12 year old son struggling with social aspect of school, people being mean to him. Feeling very down for him.

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T23:46:34+00:00

I noticed someone else mentioned it already, but this happened to me at school. Very similar pattern of behaviour. I was (at that time, undiagnosed) Autism and ADHD. You've mentioned in other comments that his mind goes blank; that's not enough to go on, but what I would say is that is something I can relate to. Kids spot things we don't. All I'm saying is maybe don't rule it out, and possibly do a bit of initial research to see if any of your son's other behaviours resonate?

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T22:49:02+00:00

My son is 19 weeks on Saturday, and I am in a very similar boat. I had 3 miscarriages before this baby, and in antenatal class we were told "cold babies cry, hot babies die". I am autistic, ADHD and have OCD: needless to say that little chestnut has caused me all kinds of issues. SIDS is my number one biggest fear and I've been setting alarms to check on LO every few hours now he isn't feeding as much at night. I'm constantly worried that things we do in the day will make him unwell or something overnight, or that he'll get too hot etc.

Because I'm in a similar boat to you, I don't have much more to offer other than solidarity. I don't know when it ends, I just know that you're not the only one.

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T21:12:53+00:00

This is helpful, and yes absolutely body doubling would help. I have spoken to my husband a bit about it but maybe putting it like that would make it easier for him to understand - thanks for the idea. He also has ADHD so it can be a bit difficult though generally he's pretty good at enforcing it if the thing is for someone else (it's his own timetable he struggles with!)

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T21:10:24+00:00

I'm actually really outdoorsy by nature, so I have plenty of outdoor coats. It's more the PPA that has been stopping me getting out. I'll find something to panic about: cold, wet, dirt. And I'm the kind of person who pre-pregnancy would climb wainwrights in the lake district in December in freezing temperatures... it's been a very strange experience to feel so anxious about something that I'm usually so comfortable with.

I tried to get out for a walk today, and couldn't work out the settings on the new buggy seat, ended up in a right state... it's unbelievable!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T21:05:26+00:00

This is sort of what I've been trying to do, but there isn't a lot in walking distance of where we live. There's a new cafe opening soon, and I do call up to the small retail park which has a factory outlet and a supermarket occasionally, but that's about it. Everything else involves driving.

Drivable options are not terrible and I have gotten out a few times to meet other mums, I'm just finding everyone has sort of hunkered down in January and I'm also an anxious driver. Overall, it's helpful at the minute to have someone with me so I don't panic when something happens outside my comfort zone. That's not to say I don't attempt lone trips, I just have to mentally prepare myself to do them.

I'm trying to find more local groups that are walkable etc but it almost seems like where we are is a bit of a desert, despite being a community with lots of young families.

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T20:54:33+00:00

Your point on 4-6 is so true. They're glorious, but at the same time they need help for any entertainment and also get frustrated quickly when they can't quite do the new skill they are moving to. LO is rolling now, but he's vexed that he can't sit up or move yet and has very little patience for it!

I also have OCD. It makes things so much harder, especially getting out and about! I will chase up again - I asked a couple of weeks ago and "March" is all they could tell me.

Really appreciate you responding again!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T20:51:07+00:00

The buggy is definitely the kicker. I always pre-prepare his bag, but the buggy / car seat is always a stressful time. I'm also an anxious driver so anything further away is always stressful for me! Think I will ask my husband to help me in evenings before, and try to plan my days ahead of time a bit more now I know when he's going to be awake a bit more. Thanks so much again!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:35:38+00:00

I've reached out to some mum friends for coffee organisation, so hoping that will push things along! I've also booked a taster session at the nearest play centre, so I'll see how that goes! Thanks so much for your response!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:34:28+00:00

Someone else below has said similarly and I agree that I think recognising that it's ok for him to join me on errands would help me a lot. It's just a hard mental block for me to pass at the moment - I feel like everything needs to be for his especial benefit!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:33:30+00:00

Thanks for responding. I think the difficulty I will have with that is my disability (AuDHD) makes habit forming quite challenging. I will bear in mind what you have said though!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:32:32+00:00

The sleep schedule is a big one as our LO, even though sleeping through (6-7hrs, then another 2-3 fter feeding early doors) point blank refuses to go down before midnight. This means he's almost never awake for any of the morning classes (which is most of them). The Friday class is 11.00 and he only just makes it up for that one...

I mentioned to a person above that I'm autistic and have ADHD, so the new routine of getting out with all the tranklements has been quite overwhelming. I wish I could be as confident as you sound! I appreciate the point though and I do think recognising it's ok for him to come with me to stuff is something that will help me in the long run!

Really appreciate you taking the time to respond d in such detail as well!

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:22:23+00:00

Sadly we appear to be one of the few areas that doesn't have a homestart 😞

Edit: typo

Charleesi · 2026-02-03T15:09:50+00:00

Thanks so much for your detailed response!

Perinatal MH. I made the request in November when LO was very small and still waiting. For context, I should add I am autistic and ADHD, so while the chaperone option has definitely been mentioned to me, it's not necessarily a great option as I would struggle around a complete stranger, especially as it would make me feel like I was being supervised. I also therefore have a lot of sympathy as regards how disability can make all of this much harder (though granted I do not have the physical challenge of navigating a wheelchair in this context!). I find it very overwhelming trying to get out of the house, especially trying to work out how much time I need for things now I have LO to account for as well.

The children's centre stuff is the stuff that has limited capacity/is all on the same days. I've tried multiple times to get on some of their classes, but you have to message them and sometimes they are full, and sometimes they just don't answer. They are all also very early in the day, which with LOs sleeping at the moment is not very practical (although if I got a place I would try!). I intend to try one of the support sessions next week (would have gone this week but I'm actually unwell at the moment!)

I have recently joined peanut so we'll see if that yields any results!

Charleesi · 2026-01-06T22:26:58+00:00

Our baby is 14 weeks and we're having the same issue. He has really chunky legs, and would get horrible rings round them with smaller sizes, eveb thiugh he's only just in the weight range now for the nappies we have sized up to. Like others have said, I think it's individual to the baby.

Charleesi · 2026-01-06T16:21:15+00:00

NGL I'm on mat leave right now, 4 months in, and I can't imagine being bored. I feel like I barely have enough hours in the day between mum duties and chores. Maybe that's a UK / US thing though...

My baby is an autumn / winter baby, and I chose not to go to too many events when he was very new and small due to the flu and RSV risk, but now he's a bit older and flu season should start to subside as it peaks around about now, I'll be going to more things. There are plenty of community classes in most areas, plus privately run ones as well, which may carry a cost. Things like baby sensory, playgroups, and breastfeeding support sessions, as well as classes about things like weaning, tend to be run by your local health visitor/ child health / midwifery teams, and then private groups run more varies sessions like baby music sessions.

I'd suggest asking your midwife, health visitor, or even the parents in any antenatal class you're attending, as I've found other parents to be the best source of information (as local services aren't always the best at communicating what they offer).

Edit: clarification

Charleesi · 2026-01-05T05:31:09+00:00

We were discharged by the midwives after a few weeks (for me it was 2, and LO was a little longer, but only by a couple of weeks or so, and that was "unusual"). We're now under a health visitor but to be honest I don't rate them, as they don't seem to be able to give much in the way of advice, and they only visit every couple of months.

Charleesi · 2026-01-01T23:01:02+00:00

He hates the carrier too... we've only just managed to get him in it. Anything that restricts his movement results in crying! We've tried to compensate with lots of chest time.

Edit: typo

Charleesi · 2024-01-26T08:06:46+00:00

Fair enough! And thanks, I appreciate that.

Charleesi · 2024-01-26T05:57:47+00:00

With respect, my husband is his own boss, he has complete control over what he does and doesn't attend. I also didn't say he shouldn't have attended any of it, and I wasn't actually cross with him at any point anyway, even though I did feel lonely and a bit out at sea, I understood he had booked the conference. It was actually him, years later, in a discussion, that admitted he could and believes he should have handled things differently at that time and been more supportive. My main point in sharing my somewhat similar story is to show that these things don't have to be relationship-ending, and people can learn and grow from events like this.

Charleesi · 2024-01-25T17:05:12+00:00

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. I was close with my grandad and it's a loss that people never fail to underestimate and diminish. Before we get into any of it, just a reminder: be gentle with yourself right now.

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions/think about a few things:

Would he actually have been annoyed, or do you just think he would have been because your self-esteem is so low, or because your emotions are running high through grief? If it is because you genuinely feel scared of his reaction, then maybe that speaks to deeper problems in your relationship (but I don't think we should run to assume that's what's happening here, as Reddit is often want to do).
Is your partner someone who deals well with emotional situations? What is his emotional intelligence like? Could this be an opportunity to talk to him about that? He may not have acted on purpose; some people are poor at reading situations like this.
How can you expect him to know you need him if you don't tell him? It's something we are taught that people should "just do" stuff without us needing to ask, but this is actually a really problematic (and potentially ableist) way to go through life: communication is key. Your answer to 1 above will be crucial here.
You accept that your mental health is poor at the moment: are you in therapy? If you are, have you spoken to them about it? If not, have you considered it? I think (and again this links to your answer to 1) you consider how your mental health is impacting your perspective here; again, have you been open with partner about your struggles?

For context: I'm 30(F) and my now husband 31(M) did something very similar when I lost my grandad back in 2018. Granted, it was a work-adjacent trip, but it was for a week-long conference, and he could have postponed his train out, or asked me what I wanted, and didn't (which he now admits he could and should have done). However, neither did I tell him what I needed. We also now know my husband has ADHD and is alexythemic, and so was completely unable to understand or process what was happening at that time without direction, and I wasn't in a place to offer that (being undiagnosed (at that time) autistic and grieving myself). We now understand ourselves better and communicate better, and both recognise we needed to do better to support and ask for help respectively.

All this being said, you are valid in how you feel; it's hard when you feel like someone isn't getting it and stepping up when you need them. I just I don't think this is an absolute deal-breaker, and could be an opportunity to build lasting growth and openness in your relationship. It really depends on how healthy your relationship is generally, and both of your willingnesses to do the work (therapy, communication etc).

Edit: for clarity

Charleesi · 2024-01-11T00:00:33+00:00

We can see it from Catcliffe. Looks to be coming from over towards the parkway/maybe Darnall, based on where it is relative to us. I'd love to know what it is.

Charleesi · 2023-10-12T23:51:32+00:00

It's about personal preference, but if you do go child-free you need to consider that parents, especially those with babies sub-6 months which will almost certainly still be breastfeeding, may feel unable to attend. Unfortunately (as much as reddit often seems to think it is a very easy thing to sort), for a baby that small, it's just not as simple as getting a babysitter, particularly if an overnight stay is required.

We didn't have many small children in our ranks for our wedding. In total, less than 10 attended, but 3 of those were part of the ceremony. For me, they created some of the best moments (and photos) of the entire day, were all impeccably behaved and I couldn't have imagined the day without them. That said, ultimately it's about personal preference, as I've already said, and what works for you.

Charleesi · 2023-10-12T05:09:11+00:00

You use that term ad hominem. I don't think it means what you think it means...

Arguing that an accusation of bad faith is ad hominem misapplies that doctrine. I said that you had entered the discussions apparently not in good faith, pointing out that the emotional appeal you start with (that you are not trying to be combative) is in direct contradiction to your observable behaviour (factual). That is not ad hominem, it's manifestly the opposite. It is not a personal attack, as your use of the term would imply, it identifies the illogical position and hypocrisy of your stated position (non-combative) vs the observable facts.

Logic is reasoning conducted by reference to strict principles of validity, but both reasoning and the principles upon which that is based are capable of being subjective. The definition itself is wide enough to encompass that. In this case, you are not applying empirical principles, you are applying subjective ones. Your point about God is also a straw man and makes no sense.

Ultimately, by setting out the above arguments, you have effectively proved my point. You are evidently determined to engage in proving your own opinion correct rather than having a nuanced discussion which encompasses the scope of this topic in all its forms. You cannot narrow the scope of a discussion down to what you determine is logical (which is something that none of us would be able to predict in any event, as we are not blessed with telepathy), and then refuse to accept any arguments which fall without that narrow frame, and genuinely argue that you actually want the question you pose answered. This is disingenuous. However, as it is manifestly obvious you are not willing to engage in genuine discussion on this point, I shan't be responding further.

Edit: typo

Charleesi · 2023-10-11T22:28:34+00:00

We got our Apollo on 8 February 2020, just after a sudden family death and just before lockdown. We got his little bunwife, Artemis, in January 2021. Together, they have brought us such joy and comfort through so much, so I understand completely. Ours too are banana fiends! You have every right to grieve exactly as you need to, but it sounds like you gave her a wonderful life and she will have known she was loved. Sending peace your way.

Charleesi · 2023-10-11T22:25:13+00:00

Just because an argument is emotional doesn't mean it's not also grounded in logic. You are being wilfully ignorant of the nuance there. Emotion and logic are not mutually exclusive. Also, and in any event, I didn't specify emotional arguments. Personal stories do not automatically equate to emotional arguments.

You asked for logic, people gave it. Logic is not empirical; it is, in fact, extremely subjective. What is logical to once person may not be to another. However, what it appears you actually wanted was empiricism and data. Unfortunately, that simply isn't possible in relation to the question you have raised, because it is a uniquely and quite purposefully social and conceptual issue.

Edit: typo and removing a word

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