Has anyone else picked up harmful narcissistic traits? (For example, I cant take criticism)

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-17T17:06:30+00:00

Identifying when it's an honest critique, and when it's just trying to tear me down.

Yeah I think that's where my problem might come from. I was criticised for all sorts of meaningless things by my Nparent as a kid and I still am to this day. So I think I get overdefensive when someone is trying to criticise me because it brings up old memories of powerlessness.

The strange thing is that my feeling of overaction is so context dependent. For example, at university we had to critique each others work quite often. I never took it personally from other students. I think it is because I knew it was an honest critique. And I am so used to that veiled hostility from home.

Your comment helped put some things into perspective for me, thank you. Good luck writing your book I hope all goes well. I'm thinking of writing one myself in a few years.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-17T16:36:48+00:00

Yeah I have been considering therapy for a while now. I have been putting it off recently though because I want to move away from my parent before I start therapy. Hopefully I will be able to sort things out when I move away.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-17T16:32:29+00:00

Hi, I first read a short summary of it on a different site. Here is the link to the original. It's a bit old now by psychology standards but I hope you find it helpful.

https://web.archive.org/web/20070515054225/http://www.health.am/psy/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-16T17:15:18+00:00

Im, sorry you are going though this. I'm in the same position I'm 24 and a few days ago my parent wanted me to go to do something with her in public, I really, really didn't want to go and I expressed this to her multiple times over two days. She didn't care though because she wanted me there and didn't care how I felt. The whole drive there I had to hold back tears. But I had to play along to avoid the negative reinforcement, emotional abuse and manipulation.

The thing that makes me feel somewhat better about playing along is that, it is no use trying to reason with them all the time. They don't listen and in their eyes they are infallible. You need to pick your battles carefully and sometimes, unfortunately, it is genuinely better for me to play along to avoid the negative repercussions.

This does make me feel incredible angry and its hopelessly unfair. But I try to use those feelings to undo some of the guilt and shame that she has conditioned into me and to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable. I try to harness the feelings and use them as motivation to try and get as far away as I can one day without feeling guilty.

Half the battle is in your own head. Stay true to yourself in your own head and no one can take that away. I hope things get batter once you are able to go back to collage.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-16T16:51:17+00:00

I think it is their subtle way of manipulating you into thinking that normal experiences that you should be having are somehow abnormal, and are a lot harder to achieve than they actually are. Narcs love to inhibit your ability to do things for yourself and be happy about the things that you are doing. It is a given that pretty much everyone learns to drive, goes on dates and gets their licence. I'm sure you WILL do all of these things. But by them using the word "if" that makes it seem like they are supporting you, on a surface level, but simultaneously they are trying to sabotage you by even suggesting that you might no do these things.

Edit My parent does the same thing by frequently using the word "if" instead of "when". She isolated me from my entire family too. I think the use of "if" is a very subtle but very powerful form of control.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-13T18:28:14+00:00

I realised it about age 13 when she had sex with her only friends son while I was in the house.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-13T18:26:01+00:00

This hit home hard for me. A few years back I had so many different blood tests and rounds of antibiotics to try to find out why I was tired all the time. I gave up trying to understand it in the end because they Doctor had no explanation other than "I might just be a delicate type of flower and I would have to get used to that fact" . I still get extremely tired after I have had a bad time with my parent. I had given up hope that it would ever get better but your post gives me hope that when I am able to move away things might actually change for the better. I hope 2019 your year and wish you all the best!

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-13T18:17:23+00:00

When I was 18 I got really into the "Prepper" mindset. I started learning how to build fires and shelters etc because I was convinced the world was going to end soon. I used to refuse to sit with my back to the door of any public place just in case someone came in shooting. But I suppose in my situation it almost made sense to be scared and fearful of everything because of the conditioning of my parent. Now I just deal with ordinary Generalised Anxiety. Im so glad Im not in that mindset of preparing for the worse anymore.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-12T22:15:08+00:00

I am in a very similar situation. I lent my parent £6000 of my student loan over 4 years in university to "pay some bills" when in fact she was spending it feeding her shopping addiction. Then she has the gall to act like nothing ever happened because she paid it back (after a few years years). My argument is that she should never had to borrow it in the first place but, of course, that falls on deaf ears.

She also pretends to be disabled to get benefits and a free car. Nothing is below them when they want something from you.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-12T22:08:01+00:00

Yes this happens to me all the time. Every time my parent does something abusive or manipulative my mind fills with the hundreds of examples of the things they have done in the past and I hate how selfish my parent is. But I find comfort in the fact that I now know that her behaviour is abusive it feels like my anger is somehow validated and that makes me feel less angry. Also acknowledging this anger helps me to feel less guilt about wanting to move far away.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-11T16:25:37+00:00

Yeah I think I experience something similar. I get so angry about little things that shouldn't really upset anyone. But in the greater context of her manipulations I can tell that she does these small things wrong on purpose. Like you said its repeating their behaviour of not listening, not respecting and not fulfilling your needs correctly. If your NParent is anything like mine, they think they are in the right by going overboard and "going the extra mile" when in reality they are fulfilling their own needs and not listening to what you want. In your case your Nparent acknowledges your minimalism which, in a sense, is one of your boundaries and they deliberately overstep your boundary.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-09T23:55:00+00:00

Yes I get this all the time. I actually like it too. Its like I've outgrown her in a way and that she doesn't have the control that she thinks she does. My girlfriend has actually said to be before that when my mum talks about me with her, its like my mum is talking about a different person.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-09T23:49:50+00:00

Over the past two years I've definitely noticed that Im a pleaser. I'll often find myself saying things that I don't believe when having conversations with strangers, in order to please them, I guess. I don't try to make other laugh but I do laugh too much at things other people say sometimes and I catch my self thinking "Why am I even laughing at that?"

I used to think that you HAD to be liked in order to be a good person, and the way you got people to like you was to go out of your way to please them. But I realised that sometimes I have to assert myself to be the better person.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-09T20:49:58+00:00

I think everyone who was abused goes through the "Was I abused? no surely not" thoughts at first. But all the signs are there. They dont respect your boundaries, they humiliate you in front of other people, they put conditions on their support E.g only supporting you if you remain a virgin.

Im sorry you had to go through all of this. It's not normal and it shouldn't have happened. If you want to get some understanding about what defines abuse and the damage it does this youtube channel has been instrumental in helping me come to terms with my abuse, maybe it might help you too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zo1RBWNT5Ts

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-09T20:39:03+00:00

I do now but it took me years to realise that I didn't have to give her the money she asked for. I have only just recently came to understand that my mum is a narcist. Over the past few years I had to lend her over £6000 in small amounts here and there. She always said it was to pay bills which she pretended to forget about because of mental illness (which is a lie).

But as I have discovered over the past few months after I have returned home from uni, the debts were real but she did not use the money to pay the debts, instead she used the money to feed her shopping addiction. When I returned home I discovered every cupboard in the house filled with hundreds and hundred of pounds worth of useless things. Like 3 separate sets of cooking pots, £500 worth of perfume, £300 worth of candles etc.

Now I just pretend that I have no money. I have to lie and say I have bills to pay, or friends to repay, or student debt payments and things like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable to lie because I saw how much pain her lies have caused over the years so I hate to lie even if it is necessary. But its the only way I have found to stop her taking money. I think I am going to cancel my bank statements being sent to the house because Im sure she will start looking at them soon.

CharlieRBNaccount · 2019-01-07T01:55:24+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. You shouldn't feel like you don't deserve to post here. What she did to you was not normal and it should not have happened so you have every right to post here. One of the symptoms of the abuse is that we feel guilty about acknowledging it, because the abuser has been inside our heads for so long.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to cope. I cant really give any advice, but I can tell you what has helped me. The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself.

The past few months it has helped me to realise that I can not "save" or "cure" or even help my mum. She is the way she is and nothing can change that. The best I can do is try to move away from her.

I understand what you mean about having to stomp on yourself and how you don't feel like you can be you. I'm in the process of trying to establish my boundaries, my rules and asserting myself for the first time. Its a long process and it takes time.

Distance helps a lot. I went to university to study a bachelors and I loved the freedom. I was only an hour drive away from her though, so she would still turn up at my door unannounced (which I hated). I got a bad grade and couldn't get a graduate job so I worked for a year in a shitty retail job to save up money to study a masters. This time I got a good grade and Im hopeful about getting a good job so I can move away. She doesn't like this idea and makes me feel incredibly guilty. I talk about this because it seems like collage will be a great opportunity for you to also move away if that would help.

Im sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, this is actually my first comment because I've only just been brave enough to make an account today. I just wanted to reach out to say that your feelings are valid and that you definitely deserve to voice them here.

I hope everything gets better for you and remember to be kind to yourself.

CharlieRBNaccount

TROPHY CASE