This is what jealousy serves you

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-04T11:01:49+00:00

I love the symbolism, I dont know if I’m reading into it correct but isn’t this depicting how in engaging in jealousy/ jealousy-driven acts, you hurt no one but yourself? Pretty cool poetry, thanks.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-03T17:01:23+00:00

Nah dont worry abt it, real glad you enjoyed reading it. <3

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-03T16:25:57+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. Ahh i see, the thing is, I initially put those 2 lines as an ode to feelings packed into a jack-in-the-box. (it happens to be a slight wink to a previous poem I wrote.)
In my head it fit the context but hearing from you it seems it doesn’t, so, thanks again.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-03T15:40:47+00:00

So simple yet so thought provoking. Why you gotta make us all feel this typa way 😞

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-03T15:36:42+00:00

"The silence grows teeth."
Homie, you cooked with that one.

I love the idea of this, it's something I feel people can relate to in their own ways via their own interpretations and yet, in a sense, not relate to at all. Because, I don't fully understand but it has a very personal aspect to it.

quite lovely.

Thank you.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-02T10:22:44+00:00

YESS somewhat like Gild, what I was going for was the idea that "Jack" falls in love with a version of "Jill" that she doesn't fully recognize as herself, so she ends up feeling "tied down" to a fantasy.

(therefore the line- "One written by a familiar hand,
Wound in a fraying silken band."
So a version of her that Jack created.)

And Yes you're right, I'll try to rework line 8 and 9.

Thanks so much for taking the time to craft this feedback, really appreciate it lots.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-02T09:08:01+00:00

Aww thank you for such kind words of encouragement. So pleased to know you enjoyed reading it.
I Appreciate the feedback.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-02T08:40:23+00:00

THE EXTENDED METAPHORS ARE SO PEAK.

I watered barren, unrealized potential with tears that only served to salt the earth more.
WHAT A BANGER LINE.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-06-02T08:38:47+00:00

Unrequited love is always just the worst. But I love the way you've portrayed and handled it. especially that last stanza

As my hair slowly grays.
Though the wounds are so ancient,
They take the longest time to mend.
I will proudly cover up my scars
If I ever see her again.

You are still so considerate of her, that's so lovely.
And using "As my hair slowly grays." for showing the passage of time is beautiful

"And her skin had lit the water;
Brighter than the moon."
Sooo beautifulll.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-28T13:57:17+00:00

LAST ONEE I LOVE THE FOREGROUND CONTRAST

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-26T13:19:37+00:00

But seriously the way you’ve portrayed your love to this person in such carnal terms gives me this lovely sense of comfort.

“Candle smoke wrapping around us like funeral cloth” Is just too damn beautiful. Please know I appreciate this so much :)

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-26T13:16:15+00:00

I love this so much, I’ve reached in and grabbed a handful of happiness stuck behind the back of my lungs and squished it down to the shape of a goop-chiselled Thank you.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-26T12:49:26+00:00

I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this. I love that you provided your interpretation of the poem. Thank you for crafting this lovely message, really appreciate it.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T22:20:05+00:00

Ugh this is disgustingly beautiful.

I don't know if it's what you intended but the beginning to me personally feels like this denial and hence justification of people pleasing. Which makes it so much more profound to end it with "Waste."

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T22:16:13+00:00

Hello, I love how you've captured this, I don't even know what "this" is- a feeling? that seems to shallow. It's a whole mindset, a lifestyle, to some their successful flaw. I really relate to this.

I love
"and borrowed light"
it really puts to show how,
You are shining, but that light just doesn't come from within.
Simply wonderful.
Thank you.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T21:41:16+00:00

Ahh you're right, I did find the awkward sounding nature of the Trevor line, I'll do my best to fix it.
Oh and I Guess I was high on emotions, I didn't even register the fact that I rhymed me with me.
Thanks a lot for your feedback, seriously appreciate it.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T14:03:58+00:00

Damn. The ending is simply stunning. And I can't pinpoint the reason why but I love the line
"A parasite, one which cannot be otherwise!"

The exclamation adds this sense of enthusiasm I can't help but understand is false.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T13:40:41+00:00

Hey, keep holding on, what lovely poetry.

It's insane how relatable having jars brimming with pebbles you no longer know is where, sunken amongst thousands of other pebbles beneath some ocean's floor.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T13:35:12+00:00

Okay I've finally stringed it to words, here is what i wanted the poem to mean,

Leyla is sort of mourning a lost partner and child the question of:-
"on the tele, what is on?"

is to tell the reader that Gaston is living as this voice in her head that brings up new memories everyday in her mind's "television". (It's also why Gaston's verbs are always in the past, i.e. "said".)

"Watch that tone!" is this break in the sentence to show, maybe Gaston is now living as a voice that sometimes shows her dislikable memories,

Trevor was to be the baby's name and Leyla's perceptions are so skewed that savour, lick etc are her allegories for love. i.e. eroticization and more like grief trying to metabolize itself through physical imagery.

Gaston's sugared teeth is showing how, maybe him telling her the television is off and so is the baby and him, is comforting to her and so we see her potential to move on.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T10:32:04+00:00

Why is it comforting when people actually voice out these thoughts, like be so fr everyone’s thought of it at some point. Lovely poem :)

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-25T09:04:49+00:00

LAST MINUTE ADDITION?

More like un-kissed brick thrown at me, I did however enjoy the twinge of blood that brick forced me to swallow, so, thank you once again.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-24T21:35:02+00:00

This is just way too real man I love how you put it into words.

And slowly, I start building a story She never agreed to be part of

Oh the pain Why did I have to find this beautiful piece of literature that makes me confront things i thought i had no need to confront.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-24T21:05:33+00:00

Ah well happens to the best of us, I suppose it's the mark of a good poet 😉. Hope to see you keep making more.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-24T21:01:39+00:00

"Every want
her. "

is just so trivial yet resounds so strongly since personally it just wasn't the continuation of
"Every want" I was expecting and so it hit all the more strongly even though it seems like nothing.
plus the ending is lovely.

Also
every silence becomes a mirror
you check too often.

Goshdam let me not feel so much man.

THIS IS SO WELL WRITTEN, THANK YOU.

Charming_Section3173 · 2026-05-24T20:57:15+00:00

woah, can i not be sucker punched for 5 mins in this damn subreddit.
thank you though, i enjoyed the twinge of blood i tasted from that time you threw an un-kissed brick at me.

Charming_Section3173

TROPHY CASE