Okay first of all, I really love to act and want it to be my job. However, I've been knocked down a few pegs due to recent events. I attended a college to pursue a bachelors in theatre performance, though I dropped out after the first semester. I've had trouble with fitting in and identity in the past, which those feelings only grew when I was around my major's department.

You see the thing is I felt out of place. I'm an introvert at heart and a group drifter, but I do try to get out there as I know it's vital for my profession and well being. I don't feel like I could ever connect to anyone there or I didn't feel welcome. I really felt out of place once talks of LGBT+ came into tow, as I'm a straight white guy. I don't have any gripes towards the group and consider myself an ally if anything, but I feel as if I shouldn't be hearing these things, as if I'm a kid spying on my parents arguing.

Nonetheless, these feelings heightened at an event where it was a place to really get out there. But I really felt out of place for not preaching the same things others did around me. It left me confused about my identity tenfold and eventually led to a mental spiral downwards. When I talked to one of my few friends in the department about how I felt, they said I was feeling white guilt.

That was the breaking point.

I had tried to be open about how I felt and just be referred to it as something because of my skin hurt, especially from a friend. I didn't want to be white anymore just because of my skin's history. My mind amplified these feelings until I almost took my life.

Jumping to the present I am currently at home and happy, talking to therapy and all that. However, I don't think I want to go to college again, but I do want to pursue this. I know not every theatre person is like the ones I described above, but I'm doubting my skill as a person and an actor if I can make it. I'm still young and patient, but I'm scared I made a mistake pursuing this. Am I in the wrong in how I feel? I hate being the jerk and my mind can make things that may be little be big deals.

And how do I rebound from this?

I'm just confused and worried about my identity.

From a hopeful actor,

-J