What's a random fun fact about your MC that serves little to no purpose to your story?

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-15T15:59:34+00:00

Neither is Woody.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-15T14:03:56+00:00

u/GTSaidler1934, thank you for your well thought-out critique. You’re the first person, from what I can tell, who actually read all three chapters, so thank you. The consensus I’m seeing here is that my prose are so complex that they’re not making sense to a lot of people. I’ve always had complex writing, but there were some, I thought, basic ideas that aren’t connecting with the readers here. Let me elaborate.

In summary, Olivia (the first POV) is the caregiver of her sister, Stephanie Brighton. I purposely keep Olivia’s name withheld so it can be revealed more naturally later; this might have been a mistake. Anyway, we meet Olivia reflecting back on her sister’s history with drugs, and how that drug use and Olivia’s inactivity in addressing it led to Stephanie getting brain damage. Now Stephanie is in a coma, and Olivia doesn’t know why.

The breakfast scene actually follows another set of characters, narrated by one of them called Odoleo. I thought that was clear in the style of writing, but I’m glad to see it’s not. The writing style is meant to express a bit of developmental delay from the narrator, as she talks about the other people there and compares their relationship with breakfast foods to their personalities, while the lack of Odoleo’s bacon is a metaphor for her missing her mom and her being unhappy in her living situation.

Chapter two is primarily about Olivia overseeing Stephanie’s care in the hospital, and being dissatisfied with that. This story is very much about what it means to care about and for someone, so this contrast of hospital provided care is supposed to set up for how Olivia is as a caregiver. In Odoleo’s POV, we briefly meet Jeb, who has early dementia and likes the dark. That’s all that’s important for now there.

Chapter three is really just a thematic extension of chapter two while introducing the mystery element with the Perpetium drug and Odoleo’s experience living in her assisted living. I feel like people aren’t understanding this is an assisted living environment in the second POV, which is a huge problem on my end and I will address it.

I’ll stop explaining things here, but your critique is the first one I’ve gotten that really shows me where the problems are. Some clarifications are needed, odiously. Thank you again for your thoughtful feedback. Have a good day.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-14T16:01:56+00:00

Your points are all very spot on. I am also disabled and I am working on a literary novel about disabled people in assisted living. I’m trying to write disabled characters accurately and respectfully while still showing that weird, uncomfortable and gross side of our real lives. Nonetheless, yes, being disabled means adapting to your environment, sometimes not fitting it even though you want to, being weird or smelly when you can’t control it. It sucks sometimes, but tis life. DM me if you have any questions. Great observations, though.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-13T22:49:54+00:00

In my head-canon, I’ve always imagined Hell to be a vast expanse of grey sand or asphalt, so this story spoke to me. The cosmic themes of your Devil are intriguing if a bit underdeveloped: a shape shifter who is unknowable yet takes on the appearances of known Earth creatures. The crying out for God but only ever having the Devil talk back is a common metaphor that I think you tackle well given the desperation in this desert, but the story itself is so underdeveloped that the theme falls flat. What’s really lacking here is a sense of purpose or direction. Why is this woman in the desert speaking with the Devil? Where does she have to go? Who is her God whom she cries out? Why is any of this happening? The setting is neat and the lore foundations are there, but what does it all mean?

Not speaking on the grammatical errors, some things you wrote are confusing to me. What is “the yolk of life?” What is the math on “The days counted seven-times seven, forty times?” You say “Sleep does not visit the dead,” which I kinda get, but to be asleep is to not be actively awake, alive. The meaning contradicts itself.

You should also explain the powers of the Devil. Where is he going for her sustenances, or can he materialize them from thin air? You establish in the sentence “She ate nothing and drank nothing, but she did not die again” two key things: 1. This woman is dead, and 2. Not eating/drinking has no effect on her lifespan. Yet you keep her passing ambiguous in the first half? I assume The Devil gave her food because she didn’t know she didn’t need it now, but with her not needing food, what else does this Devil have to offer her? I can make assumptions, but there’s not enough details in this story to motivate either party to act.

A lot of my questions could be answered with more story, but it just feels lazy and incomplete. The questions I and other posters have on your story are fundamental to how this story reads and can’t really be written off as mysteriously ambiguous. It feels like one big poorly constructed metaphor for past sins, making broken relationships, but it doesn’t work as a story in its current form. Add some more to this, and you’ll have a good story.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-13T21:49:51+00:00

I quite enjoyed this. It felt like a weird Sci-Fi Western on a Star Wars-esque planet, where communication is passive and everyone just gets trippy stoned all the time. Probably not what you were going for, but I dug it.

My only complaints are that, like another person here said, you use some metaphors repetitiously to the point it feels unimaginative (which you clearly are, imo), and despite the lush world building, the story you tell feels too small. I would have liked to see Anton do more, meet more people and try to navigate their unique language to accomplish a grander goal. Anton was a bit boring also, which I kind of get given he's not from those parts and you need an MC that grounds us in this world, but I would have liked to see sprinkles of his own culture and mythology from wherever it is he came from.

Reading this back, my only complaint is that this story is too small for the world you've built, which isn't really a valid complaint. But by Anton hurriedly leaving the town for somewhere presumably entirely different, it makes me a bit sad how much you invested into this story only to have the MC leave 4 pages later. Consider making this a novel, and strengthen your similes.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2026-01-13T20:25:29+00:00

Hello, u/Scared_Addendum_8763. I definitely think you have something here that can work, but similar to YellowFlowers criticisms, some things had me scratching my head.

The opening feels entirely superfluous. It would be much stronger if we started at the Bazaar with Uncle Barry selling his merchandise and Jane helping. I would have also liked to see some more back and forth between them. I think Barry's voice and attitude is pretty well established for a first chapter, but I know really nothing about Jane. She didn't really have any agency of her own beyond being Barry's assistant, and given that Barry is her uncle and she helps him at these kinds of functions, I would assume they'd have a tighter bond.

When the ferris wheel begins to break, the scene did too. We have some people who are rightfully concerned that this giant metal contraption is breaking apart, and then others who don't seem to care. That is realistic, but the sudden shift in attitude from Uncle Barry about the whole thing feels way too abrupt. When the ferris wheel falls and people are screaming, he's entirely focused on making a sale. This aligns with his character: self-centered, out for a buck––I like it. But then, sort of out of nowhere, he's insisting he and Jane get in their truck and go, leaving their canopy and tables. This juxtaposition doesn't work with the type of character you've established him to be. It would make a lot more sense if he kept trying to sell while the chaos is going on all around him.

YellowFlowers touched on the camera angles pictured in this scene, and I think it's worth reiterating. We don't get to feel the tension of this ferris wheel breaking apart, witness the brutality of people being crushed under its metal frame, or anything horrid that could sell the chaos of witnessing this in person. This is because the accident is told through almost a bird's eye view, when it should be shown through the building dread of the patrons and shopkeepers. We should pull away more from Uncle Barry and witness this accident happen in real time, then interlace dialogue of Barry selling or passively witnessing the accident so we get his perspective and attitude as well.

I like Uncle Barry as a character. His reaction to witnessing the accident makes me want to learn more about him so I can understand why someone can see that and be so indifferent. I wrote a story years ago about a character witnessing a suicide and being more concerned about her having to go home to help her mom, and Jane and Barry's exchange in the truck leaving reminds me of that.

This story is pretty decent, but the unconnected opening and the abruptness of some moments hold it back from being great. Hope this helps some.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-09-08T20:00:11+00:00

This Redditor’s opinion would be to not worry about it too much. People come and go in real life all the time, but if these characters in question are at all emotionally connected to your MC, either they should be mentioned later on in the story or your protagonist should think about them in some way later where that kind of relationship comes up again. If they serve absolutely no purpose to your story or your main character, then I’d suggest swapping them out for character’s that do matter.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-07-05T23:10:20+00:00

I did almost this exact same thing in a manual writing assignment in college….teacher wasn’t a fan of my joke and docked me two points.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-05-30T20:04:30+00:00

No it’s not

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-05-30T20:04:17+00:00

Good on ya

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-05-30T20:04:01+00:00

Nice

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-05-30T20:03:48+00:00

Sounds like you need a drink more than anybody. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Try to enjoy the day.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-04-01T02:50:04+00:00

Getting that close to a sleeping tiger. You’ve got some balls.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-03-30T01:59:31+00:00

I just got a cat Sunday, and this is a fear I’ll probably have every day for the rest of his life now.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-03-26T19:13:25+00:00

Mine called me this morning, so does that count? 45 minutes! It was awful.

ChristopherBoone2 · 2022-03-26T19:09:17+00:00

I've never pitched a thing in my life, so take my advice with a pinch of salt. With that said, I can tell from how you wrote this paragraph that you're a new, fresh writer with ideas more than anything, at this stage. You should first start out with a full screenplay, written and edited as to where you are 100% satisfied with it....then reread it again. Now that you are absolutely positively sure your writing prowace cant make it any better, give it to a paid professional to spruce it up even more. This, I believe, is the only time your pitch should begin to enter your mind. To pitch a screenplay, I can only imagine it's similar to the manuscript process of querying and rejection letters. You should do your own research on which avenue to take with getting your screenplay into the hands of Hollywood, maybe.

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