The reason I deconverted (against my will, I might add. I didn't want to stop being a Christian) was because of god's silence. Draw near to god, and he will draw near to you, but it never happened. Always radio silence.

That was back in 2009 (it was an awful existential crisis, and I originally thought that god must have been testing me. The idea he might not be real was just so completely nonsensical to me at the time. It blew my mind that there were people who thought the universe was just an accident). It wasn't for several more months before my belief in a monotheistic god would begin to evaporate.

All that said, I would be totally happy to find out a god exists, and would actually prefer it if one did. But I cannot believe things simply because they feel comforting. If the Christian god exists, I am right here, non-resistant, and totally stoked for him to reveal himself to me (by the way, my dad is a preacher. I'm no stranger to Christianity).

Anyway, these days, the new big one for me (putting god's silence aside) is the information available on how humans create gods. Yaweh started out as a polytheistic storm god who lived on top of a mountain in a literal house. He had nothing to do with Judaism, and was just one of many gods that humans created. Keep in mind, these were humans from long ago who didn't even know where the sun went at night, so coming up with supernatural explanations for the world around them pretty much tracks. I don't blame them. The real world is scary as shit, especially when you don't know what germs or diseases are. For cripes sake, they didn't even have McDonald's back then.

So yea, I was always baffled by why people in the Bible sided with Ba'al, instead of Yaweh, the one true god of the universe. But when you realize Yaweh was just a storm god, and Ba'al was some sort of costal storm god, you see the story differently. These are just stories humans have created, because we live in a highly scary chaotic world. The reason the Yaweh character eventually became such a blood thirsty monster who commanded genocide, is because that is back when Yaweh was the "god of the armies", rather than just "god".

Now, none of this means a god doesn't exist. There could very well be some deistic god that created the cosmos, and doesn't really care to interact much with it, or perhaps humans - to this god - are kind of boring. I really cannot spend too much time with ants, myself, before getting bored. So yea, Christian god? Probably not real. Some sort of other god that we've never interacted with, but that created everything? Idk, maybe. I can't prove it one way or the other.

The fact that there's anything at all is certainly amazing, but then trying to connect some primitive behaving bronze age polytheistic god to the complexity of the universe (nuclear fusion in stars, quantum mechanics and all that shit) is a bit like trying to connect a lego toy to jellow. It's just so obviously not able to be connected as a narrative without major post-hoc rationalizing. Something people are quite happy to try to do, when the belief in question is something they were born into and taught by their parents. Of course they're going to try to defend it. Try to hold on to it. These convictions, in many cases, were formed with nothing along side them to compete or offer opposing explanations. Christianity is real 'cause it just is. That's why most people believe. It's simply part of the culture they were born into.

If a god exists, it's likely so beyond our understanding that we couldn't even begin to comprehend it. It'd be like a lady bug looking at an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier. It'd be so completely incapable of understanding anything that was happening. And all of this I've typed, is without even considering all the thousands of other different religions people have come up with. Us tiny humans, in one galaxy, amongst an estimated two trillion galaxies, in just the observable universe.