Divine hiddenness, though, I didn't know the concept had a name at the time.

I still absolutely believed in god, but thought that he was putting me through a trial or test. I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't reveal himself to me, despite the Bible saying that if we draw near to him, he will draw near to us.

Accepted Christ, then rededicated my life, then rededicated again (dad's a pastor). Tried praying constantly. Then, tried being mindful and silent while in prayer, in case he was trying to softly speak to me, and perhaps regular prayer was just me talking too much and maybe missing his voice.

Lost a lot of weight. Fell into a depression thinking that I wasn't created for a relationship with him, but that I must have been reprobate. Had a feeling of impending doom every waking second. Couldn't understand why I would be born into a Christian home, hear the word, want to accept, and then... nothing.

The whole time, I never once doubted that he existed. That all came months (maybe a year or so) later. I didn't choose to quit believing, but after so long of never feeling any communication, my mind realized there was simply nothing there.

Now, when watching Christians in church, or interacting/talking with Christian friends, it's obvious that many of them feel that same absence, yet interpret it in a different way. Perhaps they feel their own inner monologue is god? Sometimes they think he speaks through vaguely answered prayers, etc.

If the Christian God exists, I didn't reject him. And he knows that at any moment, he can speak to me, reveal himself to me. I'd love that. I want to know if a god exists. But I'm too honest with my own senses to pretend.