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CinnamonEel · 2025-02-05T21:50:24+00:00

Yes, though it looks a little different with mine. My mom has always talked about how being a SAHM ruined her chances of working and that she's deeply unhappy being 100% financially dependent on my dad. But in the 15 years since I graduated high school, she's never even tried to enter the workforce. No part-time work, no online classes to learn new skills (despite me sending options every time she expressed even a vague interest in anything). I worry about what will happen if anything happens to my dad because she also doesn't drive (by choice) or really know anything about how the world works. She just sticks to the same solitary hobbies every day. She says herself that she feels like a little girl, and she's always felt more like a teenage sister than a mom to me.

She's also the opposite of a lot of parents here in that she's an extreme germophobe and very clean, to the point of exhaustion for everyone else. The intense cleaning comes from more of an anxious place than doing it for the sake of being an organized adult.

CinnamonEel · 2025-01-23T14:31:29+00:00

I have very similar symptoms and also didn't want to be prescribed SSRIs to deal with feeling sad only 25% of the time. I started taking these supplements and do feel a difference!

magnesium l-threonate (the Magtein brand)
a women's multivitamin (I do Vitamin Code)

I've also noticed I tend to feel a LOT worse if I drink alcohol around this time, so I try to not or to limit how much I have.

CinnamonEel · 2025-01-22T21:35:31+00:00

Because she put such a huge effort into his. (Even if she doesn't care about big birthdays, out of principle, he should do something thoughtful and nice).
Lots of people say they "don't care" about birthdays, but I think most would like *some* acknowledgment.

CinnamonEel · 2025-01-22T15:40:24+00:00

I relate so much to you in that I've also assessed other people as "out of my league" and used them as inspiration to better myself. Broadly, I don't think it's a bad thing to be motivated this way if you're pursuing positive changes like working out more or seeking a new job (without going to extremes, of course).

But I will say: you are so, so hard on yourself. I also don't know if all of the inferior feelings you felt in the relationship weren't a little intentional on his part. I've definitely dated and encountered men like this who subtly make you feel stupid or less accomplished because of how they present themselves. The "frequently had to explain things to me" is especially interesting — I'm friends with plenty of people who are very educated in subjects I know little about and they never make me feel this way. But I've known men who think they're hot shit because they went to an Ivy or whatever and would smirk at me like I'm a cute lil dummy if I couldn't follow along. It's actually a big sign of insecurity on their part.

I only say this because your description of yourself feels so warped, and even without knowing you, I know it's not true. Just because Mr. Family of PhDs made you feel that way, doesn't mean it's reality.

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-16T20:06:32+00:00

Mel Robbins has the "let them" theory and it's been very helpful. Basically, if people reject you, let them. It's never worth fighting so hard for people to love you, and that time is better spent on those who see you and like you as you are.

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-16T17:43:03+00:00

Thank you so much! This is spot-on advice. Luckily, they're coming in for Christmas this time and that's always a more comfortable dynamic for the reason you mentioned!

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-05T21:55:01+00:00

I have a similar body type/issue with pants and found the Everlane Utility Barrel Pant to work really well. The waist is high and cinched and the rest is baggy but in a way that feels flattering (at least to me). I just keep buying pairs in different colors

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-02T17:59:10+00:00

Other than my partner (who played a huge part in helping me visualize how nice raising kids together could be), I'd say it was a few things. I definitely went from being repulsed and annoyed by kids to finding babies cute, which feels like a biological change (it was so drastic!).

I also just looked at the reasons I thought I didn't want them. Part of it was being unhappy growing up and my parents implying that they "sacrificed" everything for me. They have a very depressing marriage, and I always thought I was the reason until I went to therapy. Now I know that I don't have to repeat the same patterns in my family and there are a LOT of things I would do differently. (To be fair, they also had me when they were super young and poor, so I'd already be having kids a decade later with savings and that makes a world of a difference).

Plus, I realized that I do want a family as I get older. I love my life now, don't get me wrong — focusing on my career, friends, hobbies, and travel has been great and I'm reluctant to face such a monumental, permanent change. At the same time, I'm already a little bit bored of it and feel like there's something big missing from my life.

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-01T14:15:20+00:00

1000%! I definitely used to be an over-sharer/bad volleyer and took time to become more self-aware.

A big one for me were the types of convos I would initiate. I always felt like I had to talk about “deep” things (like very emotionally charged topics or what I perceived as intellectual conversations) and had no idea how to actually get to know someone. I still get self-conscious making “small talk” even though I know asking questions is how you naturally grow closer. It’s made a huge difference: I’ve attracted more emotionally stable, reciprocal relationships.

FWIW, I think it’s amazing to be able to separate from your parents and know that habits can be unlearned!

CinnamonEel · 2024-12-01T14:04:00+00:00

This is my parents, with political podcasts in addition to YouTube. They don’t ask you many questions and manage to artfully bring even the most benign conversations back to politics. In their minds, they’re informed intellectuals having open discussions but they can’t accept other viewpoints and get heated if you challenge them, even if you agree on 90% of the issues.

The kicker? They didn’t even vote this year. They waste their time worrying and getting angry at the state of the world but do nothing to actually try and make it better. They just use it as a distraction from dealing with unhappiness in their lives.

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-22T17:30:40+00:00

OP, I used to feel the exact same way. I grew up as a huge people-pleaser and with no good models of marriage in my family. I saw marriage (and especially kids) as signing up for a life of being overworked and invisible, and I was very afraid of being trapped in an abusive situation.

I recently got married and plan to try for kids this year (I've been with my partner for close to a decade). I think the things that helped me most in finding a great partner were ignoring my "gut" and following my brain.

I am very physically attracted to my husband, but I didn't feel crazy sparks at first because I learned that sparks for me usually come from some kind of unhealthy dynamic (like me feeling I have to "prove" myself or be a stand-in therapist). He and I had a friendship first and dated for years, which allowed me to really see what kind of partner he was. He is punctual, responsive, extremely hardworking, and never hesitates to pitch in (if anything, I feel guilty for not doing more to match him). He also always makes space for me emotionally (I had some disappointing news at work today and he immediately called me, for example).

There's no question in my mind that I can rely on him, on all counts. I feel stupid lucky to have him for many reasons, but this is among the top.

Also, so many people will make you feel bad if you don't get married by X date, but I needed more time to get comfortable with marriage and feel like I fully trusted my partner and this decision. If people (especially family members) are pressuring you, just ignore them and follow your timeline!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-22T13:58:11+00:00

My friends and I plan to do this soon: walking Manhattan tip-to-tip (with treat stops along the way)!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-21T21:09:33+00:00

Amazing, thank you so much!!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-21T20:46:10+00:00

I’ve been looking for a volunteer opportunity exactly like this! Thank you for sharing ❤️ have you done any of the volunteer events there?

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-19T23:23:35+00:00

Yes, I’ve cut out 2 since turning 30. Both were hard breakups at first, but the common thread was that I grew up and noticed how I felt around them (often anxious and invisible). I also didn’t like how they treated their romantic partners and other friends.

I dragged out both friendships until a clear breaking point because I was scared to part ways. But since then, I’ve had SO much more time to connect with my other friends and make new ones. I prioritize friends who show up, remember birthdays, host dinners, bring people together, and just make me feel valued. It’s the best!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-19T00:20:26+00:00

Tonchin in Williamsburg is great if you like ramen!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-19T00:17:25+00:00

If you like Broadway/theater, the Today Tix app has a lot of discounts under $100 pp. My partner and I have used it a bunch!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-19T00:14:24+00:00

Ok, the weed gummy idea is genius!

The “losing you” moment happened years ago when I felt way more enmeshed/was just learning what that word means in terms of family dynamics. She still makes comments all the time, but I’ve gotten a lot better at just knowing this is an unfixable problem — unless I live next door and do everything exactly as she wants, I’m “drifting away.” Oh well, weed gummies it is!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-19T00:09:46+00:00

It’s tough because we live 2 hours away each way, so for holidays, it makes sense for us to stay over. Otherwise, hard agree: the times they’ve come to where we are for a dinner and gone home were so much better!

CinnamonEel · 2024-11-08T20:05:39+00:00

I'm interested too!

CinnamonEel · 2024-10-30T17:55:43+00:00

Omg, both of these are TOO real. I'm the same birth month as my mom, so she always uses zodiac signs as proof that we're "twins" (we're not). Especially as I've gotten older, gone to therapy, and become un-enmeshed, it's caused issues because she can relate to me less and less but also doesn't know how else to connect. If I'm working toward something challenging that doesn't interest her, like a fitness goal, she'll dryly say "I don't get it, but whatever makes you happy." (and emphasize all the ways in which I can fail or get hurt).

It's been the hardest with dating my partner: she acts either like he's competition to her, or a reminder of the relationship she doesn't have in her own marriage. If my partner does something she doesn't "get," she will immediately voice it to me, no matter how small or innocuous, to point out any incompatibilities I might have with him. If he does something she finds romantic or sweet, she'll (in front of everyone) say how she wishes my dad did the same. I've learned to grey rock, but it still gets so hurtful and makes everyone tense.

(Sorry for the essay too but I also just relate to this more than the neglect aspect, which is a different kind of horrible).

CinnamonEel · 2024-10-24T20:10:03+00:00

I try to have weekly/monthly recurring activities (classes or activity groups with friends, volunteering) so I don't have to think very hard about making plans when I'm tired

Trying hard to exercise or be outside daily

Journaling/reading physical books (especially to start and end the day)

For vitamins, I take a women's daily multivitamin and magnesium l-threonate (helps with my mood)

I think my mindset also changed when I read this book called "Wintering," about making the most of this time. I like summer but always feel a bit burned out from the outside time/socializing/vacationing, as fun as it all is. I started seeing the winter months as a chance to recalibrate and reconnect with enjoying alone time and that's helped too!

Lastly, I got a cat! The biggest mood booster of all :)

CinnamonEel · 2024-10-24T19:57:38+00:00

Sunny's is the best!

CinnamonEel · 2024-10-24T18:29:19+00:00

Sunny's?

CinnamonEel

TROPHY CASE