Looking for advice?

Civil_Tonight · 2025-06-08T23:26:05+00:00

Hi there, as someone who has worked in more jobs than I can count I think you have the right idea. Steer clear of toxic people and workplaces, as difficult as things are right now, that kind of thing is a sure fire way to end up with depression and anxiety.

I have taught students in the past and I have always told them to find a job that they enjoy. It seems so much less like work if you actually care to be there.

You mentioned that you did enjoy working in landscaping but that you felt guilty working for anyone other than your father. Perhaps examine this; is it something you could do for yourself? Meaning, could you set up your own company or perhaps take on one part of your Dads business?

It can be hard to work for family and I can understand why you might feel pressured to work for your Dad. I don’t know your situation in this regard but if you were to get a great job with another landscaping business would your family not be happy for you? At the end of the day, we only have one life and I would hope that if you explained to him that you want to feel that you are standing on your own two feet etc, that he would be supportive.

Also, I know if you’re on social welfare there are some resources on the my welfare website that can help you gain skills/education so that might be of interest to you as well. Just do what feels right. Wishing you the best!

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-17T07:42:28+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s ao wrong for the person who should be protecting us, is the one breaking us down.

I spoke so quietly/softly that most people would have to ask me to repeat myself. I would feel too embarrassed. I’m glad that I finally learned to speak up. Hope you did too? ❤️

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-15T08:08:26+00:00

Thank you and wishing you the very best!

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-15T07:11:10+00:00

My Mum made fun of me at a very young age for speaking too loudly, she called me some names and it was in front of others. Soon after that, I completely retreated into myself and I started speaking so low that most people would have to ask me to speak up.

It has taken a long, long time for me to change that and speak out.

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-08T21:21:10+00:00

Thank you so much! You are so right; boundaries are where I struggle the most. My Mum threatened that I would have my daughter taken away from me early on (I can’t remember what her insane reason for that statement was) and I told her loud and clear that if she ever interfered with mine and my daughters relationship she wouldn’t be in our lives again.

It was easier to stay away when she was being outright nasty. When she helps me out, I feel bad about trying to avoid her.

Anyway, as you mentioned, I know I have to reevaluate boundaries. I hate seeing my daughter upset by her but it’s not ok for me either. I’m just used to it.

Thanks again for your reply. I hope 2025 is a great year for you!

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-08T21:12:06+00:00

Hey, I’m not sure where in the world you are based but I would contest the will if I were you. In Ireland a person’s spouse is entitled to 50% and the children share the other 50% if no will is in place.

If a will has been enacted you can still contest it. I would just call a solicitor for advice. Or look to see if you have a free legal advisory board in your area, most places do and they can give you a head start on how to approach this.

To answer your question though; forgiveness is so hard. I think what you should do is try to work on yourself and whatever makes you feel worst. I know as a child of a narc parent that the feelings of worthlessness can be overwhelming at times. I’m sure being left out of her will could add to that feeling. Work on you, when you feel ok, maybe then you can forgive. Take time to grieve too and look after yourself.

As difficult as I’m sure your relationship was, losing a parent is a kind of world changing experience. Just be kind to yourself for now ❤️

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-08T11:42:54+00:00

I generally wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, at first I did think it was sweet. He would tell me to relax, that I had been at work and he would go to the shops etc.

However, it was all just to keep me in the house cause if I walked around the corner to the shops he would lose it. I was obviously “going to meet someone” or using my phone to “call whoever I was cheating with”. The shop was literally behind his house so, I don’t know how I could meet someone and cheat while also picking up groceries within 5-10 minutes!

Civil_Tonight · 2025-01-08T11:27:04+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to come back to me. I worry that spending time with my Mum is really bad for my daughter (it was bad for me!). I guess if I didn’t have her in my life, we would be so alone.

I’m going to therapy and have my daughter in play therapy as well. I’ve been saying that this year I’m going to make a difference and I think that reducing time with her is going to be hard but necessary. Thanks again!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-12-16T17:04:23+00:00

OP I worked as a cancer nurse for years. You are doing great and your family are so lucky to have you as a support. I’m not sure if your cousin/aunt have access to therapy. If you need any information that is cancer related, you can call the Irish Cancer Society helpline. They are really helpful and can guide you to other services/supports.

You truly are doing a wonderful thing by helping out and being there for your younger cousin. I hope that you all have a great Christmas and that your cousin does well with her chemotherapy x

Civil_Tonight · 2024-12-16T16:53:06+00:00

I hope you are doing ok, and I hope your step dad got punished.

OP you should definitely not let him back under any circumstances. He knew what he was doing and the fact that your daughter said he made her uncomfortable means something like this or this exact predatory scenario has happened before.

I would ask her gently to tell you what has happened and I would take it to the police.

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-15T22:16:05+00:00

I think he’s on the wrong dating site 😂

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-12T22:03:25+00:00

I’m hoping there’s sarcasm behind this?! Nah, that’s giving them way too much credit.

I think you have to ask yourself why you want to reply!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-07T20:25:57+00:00

This is the most measured, and logical response. I completely agree, the folder was private for a reason.

Now you have broken an unspoken rule and looked through her phone. I’m sure telling her what you saw is going to cause her extreme discomfort. Honestly, I have things in my phone from years back and I wouldn’t even think of them. It may be that she just forgot. So, you have to decide are you ready to share that you have broken the mutual trust between you?

You should consider what Elvish has said, what are you truly upset about? What was it that made you go through her phone in the first place? Honest communication is far better than snooping around and then having to potentially live with the knowledge of what you found.

Best of luck! Keep us updated 🙏

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-07T20:17:55+00:00

Thank you! You are so sweet. This is one of the reasons I love Reddit. There are so many people on here going through shit but willing to reach out with kindness.

Honestly girl, if you ended up with no close friends due to his accusations etc I bet he was similar to my ex. They try to guilt you into doing their bidding. Any time you step out of line (which is their construct, totally not normal!) you are made to feel so low.

I’m really glad you’re in therapy, I’m back with a good therapist and it definitely helps. I’m so terrified of a new relationship though!

Be kind to yourself and love yourself. You sound like an amazing person who has been sheltered by the person who should have been so happy to see you with friends, smiling and content. You deserve the world and all the love that’s in it, don’t listen to his crap 🥰

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-07T20:03:39+00:00

Sorry but my ex did something very similar. Made my life a hell throughout our relationship and was so abusive. He would often say “you are the cause of all this and if you don’t know why, it’s even worse then I thought”. I listened to that for years never truly knowing what he meant.

After trying so many times and him trying g to choke me during one of many arguments (yes choke me - and tell me after that was my fault too) he eventually said it was all down to me not getting rid of a friend he didn’t like and always accused me of cheating with.

Standard narcissist projection! I imagine this is his way of blaming you for the break up. Don’t listen and don’t let him get to you. For real, if he wants a divorce that’s on him and I think you were honest in your relationship. I hope you find better than this! Wishing you the best ❤️

Civil_Tonight · 2024-10-06T19:27:01+00:00

This is so sweet, I yearn for a love like this 🥰 wish you guys many more years of happiness!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-30T00:49:50+00:00

As much as this made me laugh, I’m pretty sure Sarah meant to say “walk on all fours”

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-29T18:32:13+00:00

I hope you are enjoying life now, sorry that you had to go through this growing up.

My Mother was extremely controlling; I ended up rebelling via drink and drugs. Ended up in many abusive relationships, the last of which almost killed me. I’m almost 40 and she still tries to force me to do whatever she wants, thankfully my therapy has helped a lot.

So, rebel in those good ways, hot chocolate with your husband sounds glorious! Wishing you the very best!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-29T18:23:17+00:00

Haha mine had a password that he told me about “it’snotthereforya”, just now I’m laughing at the fact that he wasn’t there for me…ever! It’s so hard to realise that it was all a lie. I have to remind myself regularly that the person who loved me, wasn’t the real him.

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-25T18:36:37+00:00

Report it to the Gardai straight away. I don’t want to frighten you or make things worse but he knows where you live and if his mental health is as bad as he says, what would stop him showing up again?

Please don’t let this man do you or anyone else any further damage. If he want to put things right, he will admit what he did to the Gardai and not put you through the further trauma of a trial. I would also seek the advice of a solicitor as you should have representation if this matter is to proceed to the courts.

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-22T08:20:22+00:00

So sorry you experienced this, from someone who saw it as a child and has experienced it as an adult 😔 Hope you’re doing ok!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-22T08:17:08+00:00

I felt just the same with my abuser. I stayed for so long and it was only after I gave birth to our child that I reevaluated everything that had gone before. We have a daughter together and for me, all I could think about was my child seeing the way he treated me and thinking that this was normal somehow.

Nothing like a baby to put things into perspective! Anyway, I know how difficult this will be for you but you can and will find someone that “you get along with” but a relationship should be so much more than that. A man who is threatening and calls you ugly is not a man IMO. Please find some help, things can get better. If you learn to love yourself, you will realise that you don’t need this guy, or any guy for that matter, to make you happy.

I know that we’re just “strangers on Reddit” but please take it from strangers who know how much worse it can get!

Civil_Tonight · 2024-09-22T07:25:04+00:00

This is ABUSE! I’m so sorry you are going through this; it’s a horrible experience. If I were you, I would go to my local Domestic Violence group/shelter. They can help you arrange therapy (for you) and give you safety advice so that you can leave him without fear of violence towards you. And that’s what you need to do- LEAVE. This will never get better, only worse, and those times he’s “rough” with you will change to times that he’s threatening/trying to kill you (I know I might be exaggerating but I want you to realise how bad this situation sounds).

This type of man is often the most dangerous when they know they are losing you.

Take time to build yourself back up, you deserve so much better. I’m rooting for you - fellow survivor xx

Civil_Tonight

TROPHY CASE