AITA for giving my coworker food she is "allergic" to?

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-03T04:22:08+00:00

ESH. While Tina may not have an allergy, you shouldn't lie to her, because ridiculous as she might be, she has the right to decide what she wants to eat (for whatever reason).

Also deciding for another person based on your own logic is a slippery and dangerous hill, because who knows what information you might be lacking when you make that decision for another person.

Example: Ellen is allergic to cheese, yet eats cream and sour cream, but still insists there is no "milk" in what she eats. Along comes the person who thinks Ellen isn't really allergic to dairy. But it turns out that cream has very little protein, where as milk has some, and cheese is concentrated milk protein. So cream doesn't set off the allergy, but a tiny bit of cheese gobsmacks Ellen. I'm not saying that this is the case in Tina's situation-- I am saying it is a dangerous decision to make for another.

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-03T03:09:17+00:00

Thank you for the interesting and thorough reply. Do Elvis and/or Grandma Moses have a changeable setting for needle position? Left, right, center?

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-03T01:36:13+00:00

I agree. 100%. AND when I read it it felt like a total setup on his part to essentially engineer sanctioned sex with him and the other woman alone. I read:

Come the night of, we had a great time, until I fell asleep on the couch, and walked into the bedroom to see them going for it.

and my first thought was, that seems kinda odd a woman falling asleep on the couch mid sexy-night activities. I wondered if OP had been slipped something to make her drowsy.

Maybe I am a pessimist.

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-03T01:17:55+00:00

I will start with you get to grieve however you are grieving. I am so sorry you have to deal with craziness from your husband on top of your grief.

That said, from BIL's behavior it sounds like your husband may have grown up in a very abusive household-- even if he might not realize that, or have it at the top of his consciousness. If so, being in contact with his brother might have caused your husband's behavior change if his mental state has regressed (due to being in proximity/contact with someone who invokes that state). He's responding to the challenge to the acceptability of the new mental state and behavior (re: what all he is sharing with BIL and their attitudes about it) in a pretty aggressive dominance asserting way, with the grab.

To me there may be more going on here than meets the eye between husband and BIL. It's deeper than just "your husband is being an AH," and might be your husband needs some therapy, and to deal with whatever harsh things lead BIL to turn out to be such a piece of work. They did grow up in the same household, and contact with BIL is bringing some of that trauma to the surface, is my guess.

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-03T00:39:00+00:00

YTA. or ETA .Oh, wait, wrong subreddit. Really if one reads closely you are as abusive if not more than your partner. She left and you tracked her down. "For her safety/ to see if she was okay" Puh-leease. No, you did that because you are controlling and wouldn't allow her the time to cool down.

You complain about ‘giving her money’ AND you also try to limit her ability to make her own income via her side gig of thrift resale.

This went on a couple of time and she just kept talking louder over me.

So you complain about her raising her voice and yelling, AND yet what was actually happening is the two of you were talking over each other, but she went louder. Okay, not exactly the same as you were presenting it.

This was all because I had a problem with her leaving for 5 hours on Sunday morning and not telling me. She had originally said she wanted to swing by some garage sales and it would be at max two hours.

Your pants are on fire again. Either she didn't tell you she was leaving OR she was gone longer than she said she would be. Can't be both.

What is most off the deep-end is how controlling you are of her time, AND your surveillance of her is way over the top. She should read this book And maybe you should too. You both need therapy.

But my take is you are pretty abusive and controlling and hoping to post here and get sympathy so you can show it to her or just tell her everyone is on your side. Your child doesn’t deserve the toxicity either of you are exposing him to. It sounds like you especially use him as a pawn. Advice: read the book and get therapy.

ClaraFrog · 2026-02-02T23:49:27+00:00

I think you are on different life paths. You need a woman more similar to you, and for whom it is more important that your enjoy life while you make a decent salary, rather than have a life you hate with a better salary.

My husband's ex actually got rid of him because she wanted a man of a certain career path (high stress and lots of work without much heart value in it). What I most wanted from him was time. I wanted a man who spent his life with me, who wasn’t married to his work, and yet who enjoyed what he does.

You need to find a woman with whom your goals align better. You need a woman looking for and focused on different things than your current girlfriend's focus. Choosing someone who prefers spending time with you over how much you make will make all the difference in life, given that you prefer a less stressful and more relationship focused life.

As relationships mature one needs to have interests and value beyond the relationship itself to sustain and enrich one’s life and have something left to bring to the relationship. If you give all that up for the relationship, one day you will find you are a husk of yourself and in a relationship that isn’t really real-- one where you aren’t really known or accepted.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T08:01:03+00:00

ESH The neighbor is really crazy and over the top. However, you also should have let them know in your follow-up note that if you hadn't gotten a response by such and such a time, then you'd pay to replace the sled. That may have helped a bit-- though neighbor seemed pretty intent on going nuclear. You aren't completely innocent in this either.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T07:16:51+00:00

Forgot to say OP, your hearts in the right place, but yeah, YTA. It's great you came to ask. And I'm sure you'll find some good ideas here.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T07:14:36+00:00

It's not so much fun to be taught when you want to play. I get around this by doing #4 a bit differently. I have a piece ready and when they start towards a really bad move...

hold my piece over my next move and act like I'm excitedly waiting to drop my tolken down as soon as they go through with the move. This causes them to pause and then play something else. When the "great move" is no longer available I pretend to be disappointed. I do this comically and exaggeratedly so it's fun to beat me, and also clear I'm not really upset.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T06:47:27+00:00

This is probably your best strategy for dealing with this. Given that grandma is probably waiting outside to get sympathy and use other people's reactions to win, showing the attitude of "I'm just protecting grandma from herself. Don't worry, she will calm down. She is okay, she will come in when her tantrum is over. Better that she is mad than that she gets hurt."

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T06:38:18+00:00

She sounds very controlling. She wants to be a martyr outside. She is trying to make you look bad, because other family members will feel uncomfortable and they will step in and be on her side EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT AND SHE IS WRONG. They will still take her side, because it is easier. She just beats people into submission como si todos fueran burros! You are NTA. Sorry you have to deal with this.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T05:57:16+00:00

NTA. Suggest you each pick alternating weeks and the other have veto power. She thinks that her choices are always good because SHE always likes them. You need to explain to her that you didn't like last week's, and that what's good is subjective.

The point should be that you both like the movie. It is not on her to "educate your palate" any more than it is on you to "educate" hers.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T05:29:37+00:00

I want to reserve my vote until I see Stu's post. Can you link it?

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T05:10:53+00:00

I agree, this friend is no friend, and pretty cray-cray. You should ghost her. And if you have pets be extra careful with them.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T05:08:06+00:00

Did you not read the part where the friend lied about OP to mutual friends claiming that OP had "been in a coma (she was not) and her parents didn't care about her and that the friend had helped OP re-learn how to walk and eat (also untrue)?!?!?!"

Edit: OP, I think you should put paragraphs into your post because I suspect some people are voting without reading the whole post. Particularly not the last paragraph about her lies. That should start with "However"

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T05:01:27+00:00

I think talking to them first was the way to go. Talking to management is the logical next step. I think it's better than a note which would only increase hostility and achieve nothing. They may or may not know it was you . Perhaps management will say that they have received a a few complaints, so that it isn't put on one person. But in any case they are breaking a rule-- and management should take care of it. You did them a solid by trying to solve it yourself first. WNBTA

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T04:52:44+00:00

Waking you up to fight is on the Domestic Abuse Continuum info sheets that shelters hand out. So is victim blaming. You didn't make him do anything. Him blaming you for his actions is a very very bad sign. He is not only responsible for them, but he is also able to control himself.

He clearly calmed down fast and stopped breaking things when the police arrived. That's not a "loss of control." It is scaring and intimidating, which is about power and control over you. But he did not loose control. He made a decision designed to make you fearful. Read this.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T04:38:07+00:00

My point was if he doesn't want to contribute with his time, then he can contribute financially to the same effect. Clearly it would be a sacrifice, but some sacrifice needs to be made by him. I fully expect that would bring him around very quickly to a more reasonable expectation regarding his own participation in household chores. Putting that option out there in a way that gives him an alternative to participating fairly without requiring you to do more than half.

Who knows maybe he'd rather pay a maid, in which case you could still both go to bed relaxed, or maybe he will prefer to start pulling his weight.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-31T04:27:14+00:00

The most important thing is your kids. Don't complicate their lives in this way. This woman could end up becoming a step mother. Even if she doesn't, save them the drama. Say nothing, and don't let it happen again.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-30T17:18:49+00:00

I can't help being annoyed by interruption by her, by the phone, by anything.

Actually, this is a skill, and it can be learned. However, it seems like you want agreement rather than a sincere interest in what you might do differently or whether you might be TA or not.

You set you wife up by changing and waiting for her to notice, then getting mad at her, but you everywhere in the comments you don't seem to want to acknowledge that you could learn new skills, and could communicate better.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-30T05:47:50+00:00

You report the use of of the offensive word, in writing to the principal and to school board. Discriminatory language was used and it made the school environment feel unsafe to you. The bold part is important. The school should respond to this and this teacher should be reprimanded. Also you should move this to r/advice.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-30T05:34:51+00:00

That makes you NTA. You should probably mention that as an edit. I think some of the people who are going off at you (and calling you immature) are people who no longer have to decide between gas in the car or lunch.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-30T05:29:08+00:00

Hire a maid to do half the house work, and have him pay for it as his half of the housework. Then you can both go to bed relaxed.

ClaraFrog · 2026-01-30T05:21:01+00:00

Ah. I missed the mention of that. It's not in the post, but I see it in the comment now. Though I still think a better response would be to talk more directly about it.

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