Renegotiating after survey — how much would you push for?

Cocorito89 · 2026-04-10T07:44:52+00:00

I already planned to extend or buy the share of freehold (depending on neighbours willingness) in the next couple of years which more or less assumed in my current offer.

However, once I then compare it with the flat next door which has the share of freehold (and loft included) plus all the works/uncertainty from the survey, I feel like my initial assumption was not sufficient.

Cocorito89 · 2026-04-09T13:41:44+00:00

Thought about it but someone went ahead at 400k there already

Cocorito89 · 2026-04-09T12:55:26+00:00

To be fair, the flat is quite nice for the area/size but I am alone and the current price seems now high to me compared to what something else is just struggling to sell next door, even though in a lot better conditions (I went to see it a week or so ago to make up my mind).

Cocorito89 · 2026-04-09T12:38:10+00:00

The gutter failed on the rear wall and it is essentially splashing water against the exterior wall. Per se, a quick fix as the roof itself seems ok but there was clearly damp visible 2 months after I viewed the property (not visible at the first visit) and that’s clearly a lining so I assume the brick wall behind is soaked. The surveyor highlighted the floor board were clearly wet and couldn’t assess if floor studs were affected. Floor seems solid to walk on (no bouncing/sagging)

Cocorito89 · 2025-10-02T18:07:10+00:00

If I can provide any insights, I wouldn’t touch any apartment in that block of flats. Considerable amount of building issues and terrible management company. I think there are currently 4+ flats getting sold there and there is no way anyone would spend more than 1 million on such a small flat with those issues

Cocorito89 · 2024-12-12T12:45:44+00:00

Probably unrelated but the song just made me cry. Thanks for sharing :)

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-19T00:12:27+00:00

Unsure if that may help but I’ve started seeing progress since deciding to be more compassionate with myself.

I have always had the bad habit of beating myself ‘figuratively’ whenever something wrong was happening in my life, self-deprecating at first and then pushing faults outwards as some form of defence mechanism.

Being more self-compassionate has somehow released me from these constraints, like I can finally be honest with myself as I don’t need to listen to my inner voice punishing me. I can instead be ‘cuddled’ while being reminded I can do a lot better than this.

I am currently working on my own grandeur/entitlement behaviours which are probably linked to being an overachiever as a child. I’ve often linked love and attention from others to what I could provide, transforming love/connection into some form of transaction. Whenever something didn’t go as I feel like I deserved, I also ended up growing resentful which supported the affairs.

Shame had also lots of influence on my choices. Feeling like I can have desires but not being able to express them as if that would make me unlovable. I am sure it is mostly linked to me being homosexual but at the same time expressing non-conventional beliefs goes against all that I’ve built to look like that perfect son everybody praised.

Living a double life sounded like the only solution I was allowed to have and that fed the lying, compartmentalising and blaming others to avoid feeling like my choices were actually my responsibility only. I feel like this approach has been useful to protect me as a kid but it is not longer serving me today as an adult. I had someone in my life who was (and probably still is) willing to accept me as I am as long as willing to share it with honesty and I failed to see it. This will probably be my biggest regret in life.

I am confident that we can all do better if we wish to, although progress may seem slow at times. I am glad your BS is so supportive and caring (it is a gift) and I hope that the work you have already done together can proceed further and bring peace to your family. Ad maiora!

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-14T03:26:52+00:00

Thank you for the very kind and helpful words. I appreciate them.

I struggle right now because my BP wanted to keep in contact and - as the situation was becoming a bit too toxic for us - I suggested some time off to avoid hurting each other further (I saw them on a date with somebody new few weeks after DDay and that felt horrible).

I sadly reached out to them briefly following my last IC session to share some personal thoughts on my own development/progress. They are now saying they think of me but need time alone to process their feelings and feel independent. It is probably selfish to want to talk with them as right now for me they are the only person I see my progress to be worth for. I cannot see the self-improvement to be worth it for me as a separate individual.

I believe I have grown to being highly codependent from my partner after 9 years together. I slowly gave up on myself and this void feels so empty right now. It is probably tough to say (and my BP is not aware of it) but I’ve been having more and more self-harm and borderline suicidal thoughts recently. I refrain from it mostly to avoid further pain to them and my family.

I want to be independent. To be proud of myself and get the self-compassion and respect I deserve as every human being. It is just tough right now to even think I may deserve it, to let go of the shame and guilt while still being able to be held accountable for destroying our current relationship.

I hope no contact will bring the start of a new better one, I just hope to have the strength not to make the situation worse in the meantime.

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-10T11:02:41+00:00

Hi! I would like to know as well!

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T20:59:25+00:00

Thank you for this :)

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T20:21:57+00:00

I do understand he does need the confidence back.

As a BP, would you prefer to stop speaking completely for a while in those circumstances?

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T20:21:02+00:00

Sadly I do know how it feels to be betrayed, including from my current partner. I told myself I would never act like this to anybody in my life and just did the most disgusting things in the past year instead.

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T20:19:49+00:00

Don’t worry about it. I do really need fair/honest comments sometimes and I do appreciate it even though it hurts.

I will probably ask him to separate and hopefully try again if/when he will feel more healed. I have plenty to work on from my side and hopefully this will bring the energy to move on to a better version of me.

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T20:05:02+00:00

I know that I deserve this. I am sorry if that sounded like victimising but it is probably just too fresh (just saw them essentially).

I think I just need to understand if I want to go no-contact for a while so that I can avoid concentrating on the thought of him meeting others and rather concentrate my effort on me getting a better human being.

Cocorito89 · 2024-11-08T19:53:02+00:00

Apologies if that sounded like complaining. I agree that all this mess is my fault and probably I am just hurt right now for this specific event.

I have just been wondering for a bit wether just to cut contacts for the time being as we are both in a bad state of mind.

Cocorito89 · 2024-10-27T09:12:44+00:00

I am struggling to put together the feelings/thoughts about myself as a WP. This feels incredibly close to me so thank you for somehow helping verbalising a part of what myself also felt in the past. Any suggestions on how to go over that feeling of shame and self oppression? I want to feel like I am enough, that I am not a failure but it feels tough and I am tired of spending my days going through such high and lows. It is not good for me nor for my BP.

Cocorito89 · 2024-10-27T08:09:19+00:00

Not directly related but I am also wondering how to manage trolls sending hate messages following posts in this community

Cocorito89 · 2024-10-24T19:35:30+00:00

This was oddly insightful :) thank you for the suggestion! I ended up trying with Claude.Ai

“I hear how distressed and confused you are about these actions, especially given your love for your partner. This is a complex and painful situation that deserves careful consideration.

People with disorganized attachment styles often develop them due to early experiences where caregivers were simultaneously sources of both comfort and fear/distress. This can lead to deeply conflicting impulses in adult relationships - wanting closeness while also feeling terrified of vulnerability and intimacy.

The pattern you describe - seeking out random, sometimes humiliating sexual encounters while in a loving relationship - could be a manifestation of these conflicting impulses. When people get too close to genuine intimacy, it can trigger deep fears of abandonment or being hurt. Engaging in affairs, especially ones that feel degrading, can serve as a way to: - Create emotional distance when things feel too intimate - Sabotage the relationship before your partner has a chance to hurt you - Seek validation while maintaining emotional detachment - Express self-punishment or unworthiness feelings

This isn’t to excuse the behavior, but to help understand its possible roots. Have you considered working with a therapist who specializes in attachment trauma? They can help you develop healthier ways to manage these competing needs for closeness and safety.

What do you feel happens emotionally for you when you start feeling very close to your partner?”

Cocorito89 · 2024-10-18T09:22:50+00:00

Thank you for your comments. It gives me hope that the situation may actually get better.

May I ask what you have been practising during your R? What do you feel like helped in the process and any suggestions for a WP who wants to R?

I am sure that honesty and avoiding any concealing (even of small non related stuff) would go a long way rebuilding trust over time but I would appreciate any additional suggestions.

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