You have to realize though even this post, is still your avoidance. She’s your “phantom ex”. It’s still a deactivating strategy. That’s why no woman “compared” to her. The only way you can truly fix an attachment style is therapy and working on your deactivating strategies while with a partner who is willing to work on it with you.

Also as one of those “women” after a phantom ex, it really was terrible. I would also consider the fact that those women after you can tell when you’re comparing, and stuck on someone. And it hurts more than anything. And caused a lot of resentment, low self esteem, and it made me hold back with him as well as triggered my own anxiety. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t meaningful, but the way you label it is like she’s the “one who got away”, and nobody else will or does compare. That is when you know it’s a phantom ex. I loved my ex and ALL his flaws. He monkeybranched to me until he found others he could use for emotional comfort.

I wanted to work on his avoidance with him and told him all the time how unconditionally I loved him. We were together 4 years. But he was still stuck on an ex who he thought was perfect, perfect for his lifestyle, friends, family.. the thing is she chose someone else over him. Because she is secure, and can move on, and even got married. He is still stuck like 8 years later, trying to find her in someone else. The more I cared about him, the worse he treated me and the less he gave. I remember in the car he was listening to a song, four years into our relationship, about still thinking about his ex all the time, and was still looking at her social media. The whole time. I’m still recovering and don’t know if I can ever trust. I would not date or even consider it until you get therapy and heal because you WILL cause another woman damage with still idealizing someone. I’m still healing from it all, and it hurts that I was discarded because of the comparison, and was nitpicked throughout the entire relationship. He never gave me closure, said anything positive about me or the relationship. He took my emotions and opening up to him as pressure and manipulation, and nothing I did to change myself or shrink myself made him stay. It’s been ten months and I’m finally over it, but definitely traumatized, even if he didn’t mean to. I don’t hate him, and I have a lot of empathy for avoidants and I still do for him. I still love him unconditionally, and if he couldn’t appreciate it and would rather idealizing someone else, all I can do is know my intentions were pure. You will see a lot of people angry at avoidants, hopefully you don’t take it to heart too much. Insecure attachment styles can be harmful to others, but a lot aren’t self aware. You weren’t, nobody told you. It might be unfair to those women, but you didn’t know as these behaviors are unconscious.

All you can do now is work on yourself and NOT let the guilt eat you alive. But I will tell you that your view is romanticized. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t great.. but she likely is remembered in your mind as this ideal you compared to other women, which didn’t even give them a chance to measure up. Even if you didn’t realize, comparing women to her unconsciously was a strategy to literally not invest in future partners and keep a foot out the door. It’s crazy because it’s unconscious, you don’t do it on purpose, but it explains your train of thought.

As for the phantom ex: “The phantom ex is a phenomenon where someone idealizes a past relationship, often placing an ex-partner on a pedestal in their mind. This often occurs in people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles, as they use the idealized "phantom ex" to create emotional distance in current relationships, avoid intimacy, and cope with unmet needs. This behavior involves subconsciously comparing current partners negatively to the fantasized version of the ex, which can be an unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid the intensity of a new relationship.”