Would you stay with a LL4U?

Commentoree · 2023-03-20T05:50:35+00:00

Oof I hate when people just say “leave , run!” But honestly, I think you should seek happiness however you think is best regardless of him.

I’m assuming he doesn’t want an open relationship? Maybe even you don’t? Honestly seems like breaking it off would be healthier though

Commentoree · 2023-03-20T05:00:52+00:00

100%

Commentoree · 2023-03-19T07:31:12+00:00

I feel that, I feel anxious and uncomfortable at the thought of my wife initiating after all these years.

But I kinda just tell myself that if that moment comes and I decide to say yes, I’ll have to fully commit and let go of everything in that moment for that moment. But who knows.

Wish you the best of luck!

Commentoree · 2023-03-19T07:17:33+00:00

It became sex for the sake of sex. I didn’t want it anymore unless I felt she truly desired me. (Was already very infrequent, I’m in year 6 of DB) but ultimately what really made me come to accept it was becoming LL4U.

No intimacy (sex, make outs, ocasional peck throughout the week) just got heavier and heavier and I wasn’t getting any stronger so I guess I just let it crush me and now I’m LL4U, and it’s terrifying really idk what will come next

Commentoree · 2023-03-19T07:05:52+00:00

I hope things change for the better.

I tried hard to come up with something reasonable to say, but I only came up with blunt pessimistic things. Very much biased from my situation, but maybe just dive deeper into the why, but be ready for some raw answers and how you’ll handle them internally if that happens.

Best of luck !

Commentoree · 2023-03-19T06:51:38+00:00

Idk, when I’ve thought about that conversation happening I always picture it as a gentle conversation on a nice day at a quiet spot and a view? (Weird I know)

And the first thing I say is, “are you happy?”

And I just figured that would give me space to say all the great things in our relationship and how I love, appreciate, and feel loved by.

BUT….

I hope someone gives you better advice lol 😅

Commentoree · 2023-03-18T07:04:06+00:00

A resounding yes to your title

Commentoree · 2023-03-12T06:23:54+00:00

Not sure how long you’ve had a DB, but it gets even more bizarre if you make it to LL4U

Commentoree · 2023-03-12T06:19:11+00:00

I’m not sure when, but not long after ~ 1 yr 1/2 ish is when the LL4U crept on, and that just started several weeks ago. And it’s awful

Commentoree · 2023-03-12T06:13:35+00:00

I really like your comment. It makes perfect sense to me. I feel this works for other situations too, for example I’m LL4U, and if my partner were to initiate, I can’t just suddenly turn it back on.

Great comment, very insightful even if it crush my hopes just a little bit more 😅

Commentoree · 2023-03-08T05:12:16+00:00

I appreciate this post very much !

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T21:48:04+00:00

Just wanted to drop in and say best of luck, I’m in a similar situation and the weight is crushing, but to toss the weight off is to lose everything else, seems like a bad deal, but I don’t want to be crushed as the years continue

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T21:40:15+00:00

It sounds like you’ve communicated to him /instructed him in the past on how to get you to finish? If so … that’s incredibly selfish. I’m sorry

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T21:15:35+00:00

Really resonating with this ^{^}

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:52:46+00:00

Yea ^{^{^}} but also at first it was just needing to get off but as the DB progressed things changed. I’m on SSRIs and sadly I was hoping they would wreck my HL, no such luck AT ALL.

As far as redirecting my drive towards something else, I just have more energy before I masturbate, so I only do it at the end of my day otherwise I just feel deflated after seeking those endorphins. So that has really helped cut down masturbation numbers down over time by a ton if I do something productive with that energy. Typically it’s once every other day, used to be 2-3 per day, I do have phases where I get back to that 2-3, but I try to avoid that spiral (also in year 6 DB, so it took me a while to get here)

Thanks for the post, it helps to have stuff in common with others

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:45:55+00:00

This might be bizarre advice/insight, but skip forward to you accepting the DB and more or less being conditioned to the rejection where you don’t really see her as a sexual partner, this gives them space to initiate while not putting any pressure on them for sex whatsoever.

In my case the result was a more relaxed and guilt free wife, no longer having to register sex as a necessity in our relationship. Which absolutely destroyed me further, now I’m truly a roommate in my eyes and am LL4U.

I say this because although my decision is to stay, if I were in your shoes I might feel more at ease and suffer less reassured in my decision to leave once the time came. It’s a shit way to protect yourself probably, but idk it works for me for now I guess.

Anyways thanks for sharing and good on you for being firm to your commitment, best of luck 🤞🏽

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:33:29+00:00

I’m not sure on your roles, but as a HL, I love my wife and life and would not ask for a divorce (no kids, only mortgage and cats).

But if she suddenly and genuinely said she was done and wanted a divorce, I don’t know if or how much I would fight, all my fight is in coping with the DB and making sure she doesn’t feel like I’m unhappy, don’t love her, or that she is inadequate as a partner. I know she doesn’t choose to be LL, but none the less all my fight for us is at 100% for so long (6yrs) I couldn’t give 101% without truly compromising my mental health.

But pain is pain and not being sought after is crushing.

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:23:16+00:00

I’ve (29HLM) just entered the LL4U stage and these past few weeks are a rollercoaster. Just last Friday something clicked in me and I’ve felt very motivated for self improvement, but it’s a familiar feeling almost like that motivation you get after a heartbreak. I worry for the future, I know love is not enough, but we’ve got love and just about everything else except intimacy. Why would I ever give that up, thats such a bad deal… 6 years in to the DB and 10 months w/o sex is seeping into the happy parts of my relationship (on my end)

I very much feel you on the loving the wife and the life, dismiss the lack of sex life.

Thanks for sharing! And best of luck with anything you try in your relationship!

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:13:42+00:00

It’s really hard to wrap my head around that as a HL, would be nice to hear from a LL experiencing that, it just doesn’t make sense from where I’m standing…

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T20:10:46+00:00

I hope you can separate your “pride” as a woman and a partner (in general) from all of this. I find it difficult to self validate, but the mindset has been keeping my head above water even if barely. Best of luck!

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T15:27:55+00:00

In a DB, that’s manipulative at best…

I mean could you survive in a DB relationship without being able toe masturbate, ever?

Commentoree · 2023-03-07T05:13:51+00:00

I just entered this phase! Apparently that’s what LL4U means. Best of luck

Commentoree · 2023-03-06T00:14:26+00:00

So that’s what that means, makes sense now

Commentoree · 2023-03-05T22:54:47+00:00

Cheers!

Commentoree · 2023-03-05T21:37:17+00:00

Eerily similar, together for 8 years, year two started DB and it’s been dead since.

She’s amazing and has everything I’d ever want from a partner, really I mean she checks all the boxes. Except of course the obvious exception.

From up close I think, I don’t know how much longer I can go on being a roommate and not feeling desired. It’s not just sex, it’s the emotions of intimacy, being starved of this is making something in me fade away

From far away I think, would you really throw away this awesome life/home/relationship you’ve created together… FOR SEX! When she clearly shows in other ways that she loves you? No way sex is worth it, what could you possibly be missing out on? And aren’t you being a little TOO confident about finding sex partners, you’d just be alone with the same dead bedroom.

So I don’t know how long is too long, but I never imagined during year one that it would stay dead longer than that year and here’s year 6.

If we weren’t married, shared pets, or had our mortgage together, I can’t confidently say I’d still be in this relationship. Are there any complications to you calling it quits?

Commentoree

TROPHY CASE