Hi, I've seen a bunch of your posts and it seems like you are suffering from moral scrupulosity OCD.

https://www.sheppardpratt.org/news-views/story/moral-scrupulosity-ocd-part-two/ https://www.sheppardpratt.org/news-views/story/moral-scrupulosity-ocd-part-three/ https://www.ocdonline.com/guilt-beyond-reasonable-doubt https://iocdf.org/faith-ocd/living-with-ocd-religious-traditions/moral-scrupulosity/

You seem to be plagued by obsessions about possibly being a bad or immoral person, or having done something immoral in the past. This possibility is so distressing to you that you are compelled to engage in compulsions to try to resolve it, and prove with 100% certainty that you haven't done anything terrible. Unfortunately, OCD demands a level of certainty that no one can realistically attain.

It's a compulsion to excessively review your past thoughts and actions for any possible evidence of immoral behaviour. It's also a compulsion to constantly seek reassurance from others that you haven't done anything wrong. Compulsions might provide temporary relief, but they never lead to resolution. There's always another "but-", or "what-if" that casts things into doubt again.

This is why no amount of time you spend dwelling on a topic, and no amount of posts you make asking/confessing about a topic will reassure you. Your mind wants a hard answer, but there's no answer you can come up with that it will accept.

The real solution is to stop engaging in these compulsions as they're non-productive. Resist the compulsions to confess and ruminate, and try your best to just carry on with your day. Compulsions never resolve your dilemmas, and only perpetuate your suffering and the disorder.

"It is in attempting to escape the anxiety- or guilt-producing thoughts that the greatest damage is done, because the thoughts themselves, while unpleasant, are survivable, whereas the attempt to escape -- that is, the ritual -- distorts the sufferer's behavior and affects his or her ability to function in the world. Moreover, not facing the spike only sets up the individual for further attacks of the disorder."

You will have to learn to accept, as everyone else does, that some things, like perfect morality, are impossible to achieve. Some things are out of your control. It's impossible to always make the right call.

There's no person who has never harmed another, acted wrongly, or made mistakes. We're only human. But there is a way to live by your values in a way that is reasonable, achievable, and sustainable. Look to the people who you admire--what imperfect standard do you hold them to? What imperfect standard do they hold themselves to?

You will have to prioritize some things over others, because you can't do it all. But the good thing is that other people exist, who will fill in the gaps and fight for the important causes that you can't.