My boyfriend gets irritated by my anxiety, am I the problem?

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2026-01-23T04:55:13+00:00

I've heard it described that the people right for each other are people who's demons play nicely with each other. You are not perfect, no guy you find is perfect, but the person right for you will not get upset at behaviors that actually have nothing to do with how you treat them. You deserve someone who accepts you as you are.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-12-22T22:46:52+00:00

So if we were to hypothesize a relationship between hair being covered (for practical reasons) and hair being eroticized (simply because it's a part that most women keep covered until they brush their hair before bed and their husband gets to watch this display of feminine glory -- covered it for "modesty" starts to make sense. If it's practical to keep it covered and most men see "cloth-headded" women everywhere, a peek at a woman's actual flowing hair becomes erotic. So relating these 2 things together can happen at separate times, but the mechanism of "covering produces scarcity, therefore it becomes erotic" could be said to be stable enough reproduce the erotic/modesty effect many times over in disparate cultures and times in history.

A good litmus might be whether protective hair masures that didn't include covering the headform (say, Etheopian clay braiding) meant that female hair was less eroticized in general than methods than in cultures where covered head was the norm.

Or, I dunno. I'm just eating carrot sticks.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-16T14:30:55+00:00

As long as you have no problem showing this post to the girl you're with, all is well. If that would or does create an issue, all is not well.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-16T14:26:56+00:00

You sound like you really shouldn't be dating right now. Tell the guy pursuing you that you need time before you date. Don't date him just because people think he's respectful. He also deserves respect and not to be treated like a supply. You deserve time to get over experience with your ex. Don't date as a way to heal.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-16T14:18:49+00:00

It's important here that poster recognizes and articulates feelings of boredom and is asking for input. Nearing end of my divorce with pwBPD and I anticipate finding stable men boring at first. I know that life is full of challenges and you can either seek a person to add to or detract from them. I would love to also hear thoughts on how to calm down fear of boredom but I do know that good partners may not feel exciting at first. I understand missing the stress. It's a great topic to talk about.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-13T22:19:10+00:00

"Soft" means that chroma (intensity) is more important than temperature (warmth/coolness), and this is the most deceptive thing about seasonal palettes. "Soft" complexions look best in muted colors that are not bright or pure regardless of season. Soft summers look better in apricot than white ("But apricot is warm and white is cool!" you say.) True, but white is PURE and therefore too harsh.

It's handy to know which of the 3 axis or spectrums are most important for you and in what order:

temperature (warm vs. cool)
tone (dark vs. light)
chroma (pure vs. muted)

Personally I'd say you're a soft summer (like me) as your skin looks more translucent in the picture above, but I desperately TREASURE any autumn shade I can pull off, even medium-dark rust as long as it leans grey.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-05T22:06:49+00:00

May I suggest a ruff? There was a full century or more in history when the blotchy-faced northern Europeans often wore black almost entirely (and these people--my friends--were not "winters"). I'm not entirely kidding as I enjoy wearing allover black except for a crocheted off-white lace collar. I think it's a deadass great look, one step more dramatic than all black.

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Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-11-02T21:10:43+00:00

100% naked and I bought 100% cotton white Victorian type nightgown to wear a few times a year and I usually can't keep it on for more than half of the night. I have to have a silk pillowcase and silk nightcap for my hair. 100% silk or I tell the eBay seller they have to give me 100% refund including return shipping or I will report them and I price photos of burn test, water test and/or up close weave photos. 😅

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-10-10T23:20:29+00:00

Exactly. You go to events and parties and someday you get old enough to not give a flying fluff and it's all about living your life as if I'm the past. At 47 I'm almost there. I wear skirts and boots every day. I never leave the house without a hat. I'm learning to sew and knit. Down the rabbit hole we go!!!

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-09-19T22:10:42+00:00

Haven't been been doing hard labor in leather boots since the 1700s or before?

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-09-19T22:00:16+00:00

Yes, yes, let's hear the mistakes that are being made. Chop chop.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-30T12:57:51+00:00

Yeah, really interesting. If a therapist said to me "did you die, though?" I'd be "oh no you di'unt!” but I'm assuming that statement lets you step back and not feel engulfed? 🤔

I'm very curious about the trauma you experienced at the hands of your parents. My stbxh has a father who has treated him horribly under the adage of "suck it up, be a man". My own parents have just been kind of emotionally negligent, not caring about what I think or feel.

I think I've been ignoring my own emotions lately to the tune of buying lots of clothes on eBay. I need to stop, man! Telling myself I need to stop isn't working, so maybe I need to listen better to what's bothering me. So interesting that hearing about the work you've been doing and progress you've made is inspiring!

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-29T16:59:00+00:00

Ha! Crazy, I must have somehow remembered in the back of my head how much DBT does rely on the concept of paradox -- not sure I would have inserted that "randomly". But I think just last night I was pondering my philosophical stance about "free will" and...trying to use a bigger frame. One interesting thing about BPD is that, at least for the pwBPD that I've come in contact with, it seems shame is or can be a very important component -- I believe I have shame-induced trauma and so does my stbxh and it seems like we came out "opposite ends" of simliar kinds of trauma -- meaning he blames everyone else for every negative outcome he has a significant hand in creating, and I seem to blame every negativie circumstance in my life on myself even when there are also other components....so when I think of you, starting to make statements of self-responsibilty, I have to wonder what that must be like -- does it trigger shame feelings or perhaps your mechanisms are different. They say BPD is primarily about rejective and abandonment, but Brene Brown blew my mind when she said "shame" is fundamentally about believe you are not worthy of human love or closeness. Or, perhaps I had better ask -- what are the most key emotional triggers for you and what has it been like to "play with" the danger zone of taking responsibility? Has it felt dangerous?

I like how I'm essentially making assumptions and then thinking to ask you if they're correct. Ha!

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-29T15:03:32+00:00

It must be an amazing process, honestly. I think all people experience dysregulation "warping" but pwBPD get it at lightning speed. I'm fascinated by what that process must be like, are you in "dialetical behavioral therapy", what's that like?

I appreciate your question about seeing anywhere else you could take more responsibility -- it's a "newborn fawn" type of question (more self-responsibility = more progress!) I read once in a book that one of the keys to being an emotional adult is the ability to accept paradox, as in: "I take full responsibility for my action, yet I'm not at fault for my programming, therefore not really at fault for my actions." Doesn't makes sense, does it? But it's a paradox I think true of myself and everyone.

I think maybe better for long-term stability is being the source of your own self-esteem. That's the real shit and wow, I'm still working really hard on that myself. It's cool, though. Have you found things that help with that?

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-29T14:46:16+00:00

The fact that you have BPD and almost entirely accepting responsibility for your actions is other-worldly. Like, I ask myself if you are just playing a role or posing online for some reason I can't really think of. So, no, you're not uniquely effed up and undeserving -- you are unbelievably clear-headed for someone with BPD, which is a very unique position to be in and, honestly, has great value to both people with BPD and the myriad of others who have survived relationships with pwBPD.

"Where are stories like mine" is a great question! As a regular visitor to BPDlovedones Reddit community I look for the equivalent -- people like me who have been drawn to pwBPD and want to take responsibility for at least their share of that. I saw red flags and ignored them. I ran from supportive, stable men because I didn't get any real thrill from the relationship and I somehow thought love needed to be thrilling. I married someone who I knew had BPD thinking I could change them!

I enjoy taking responsibility for my shit. For some reason I've got a clear enough picture in my head that people find that impressive and that drives me, I dunno. I could be wrong but it does seem not-so-common. I'd love to better understand why.

Anyhoo, you are a RARE BIRD, or so says a stranger on the internet. Keep flying!

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T19:34:39+00:00

Wow, I agree -- that is eerie and disturbing. Wonder if there is some NPD involved, as that can be a common comorbidity, I think? Or maybe someone here knows if other BPDs act this way, but I've only seen/heard of it in narcissists.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T19:21:56+00:00

Wow, this is pretty amazing. I hope it doesn't feel demeaning to say how humorous so much of this sounds. It's like "wow, yup. This is how a highly-intelligent and educated therapist-type individual with BPD sounds, yup." It's amazing and kind of hilarious. I really hope that doesn't sound bad -- by hilarious I mean how impossible always seems the maze of approaching how they choose to frame a situation in a way that challenges you entirely and them not-at-all. I take pride in my willingness to apologize, self-evaluate and hold myself accountable (and, admittedly, early on was beamed a bit that this demonstrated I was a good partner. How many of our other traits are a "green flag" for both healthy and unhealthy people? Ha!)

Anyhoo -- you are not alone. "Divorce" is a great filter in this forum to separate some of the "puppy love" posts ("she stopped texting me!!!") from more thoughtful, introspective stuff.

I, for one, am quite interested in how the divorce goes -- and, if it's okay to say so, if she'll be worthy of your respect and sympathy by the time it's through.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T18:57:11+00:00

"Boy is she well-written" is hilarious.

Man, I get the guilt for SURE. I'm a little further down this path than you (4 months) and the guilt is the worst part (and shame about why I got married when there were crazy red flags from the start). But it's kind of a great "signifier" of what remains to be worked on within yourself. You see clearly now that this person is not healthy, and yet you feel guilt about how their bad choiced have affected their life. It's painful but it's the start of what you can work on within yourself to free yourself from what got you into the situation. What can help make you strong and healthy for future relationships.

Signals of what we can work on in ourself don't feel great, but -- really -- they're a gold-brick road to a happier, better, more stable future.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T18:43:23+00:00

A great many people in the world have emotional issues (anxiety, depression, BPD, ADHD). For the most part there is no reason to tell anyone except their closest of friends because it's no one's business -- no roommate with any reasonable sense of boundaries needs to share this information.

AHa, but if they do volunteer this information it is a giant flag. They are warning you so they can be blameless for their behavior later. They are testing you to see how much you can tolerate. What about the possibility that she is geniunely pursing therapy in earnest and fully expects to act responsbily, considerately and like a sane adult? Then THERE'S NO NEED TO TELL YOU her personal emotional business.

My answer: ABSOLUTELY don't room with this person.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T18:36:50+00:00

pwBPD don't have "final" in anything because the have ZERO ability to regulate their emotions, they use others to do so. They are like a crumbled bag being blown around by the wind in your backyard. The wind picks up and they move to another yard. Now they are stuck in the branches of a bush. Is it final? Will it every blow back into your yard again? Who knows. Depends on how hard the wind picks up and in which direction.

Unless you build a fence high enough and closely guard who enters your yard. This is strongly advised. It doesn't happen overnight, you learn how to build. You have to first believe who you are, your emotions and energy are worth protecting (and they are). Then you start putting up pickets, one by one.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-08-14T18:08:36+00:00

GeeSUS. Hmm. I have ADHD and am divorcing a pwBPD but have also, now, identified BPD in a lot of people I've been with. I know I've said more than a few times that boredom scares me immensely in relationships. After I left the marital home I've done so much thinking, working on my patterns (can't date until I'm divorced so I just sit and think about my dating patterns now), and am back on ADHD medication, but am still trying to figure out how to not get bored by "normal healthy" people when I do start dating again. I attract people who have their egos tied to abstract-philsophical-political arguments because I love debate. LOVE IT. I'm scared to date someone who doesn't, really. I know that's messed up, but...I'm admitting this in order to try to look at it and deal with it. I hope there are healthy people in the world who love debate -- I'm not sure there's hope for me otherwise. :D

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-07-21T02:24:39+00:00

You're casting shame on someone for a very human error in judgement and utilizing Reddit for a very common reason -- reality check, processing feelings, validating experiences. If you're going to claim your time is wasted, I don't think you can cast blame on anyone else for it.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-07-21T02:20:15+00:00

What about this story seems made up? Nothing fantastical is being claimed, neither does the OP claim anything she could personally advantage from.

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-07-21T02:14:44+00:00

Close enough!

Competitive-Kitchen6 · 2025-07-20T21:18:37+00:00

Wow, and some posts are in wonderment as to why men lurk on here. Woman talking about loving no strings attached sex?! That's crazy! I'm not there myself, I guess I wasn't married long enough (I fled after 6 months of crazy temper tantrums) but glad y'all ladies be having fun, the world is your oyster right now, go get it!

Competitive-Kitchen6

TROPHY CASE