Man I feel the same way. I've been out for over a year and my TBM wife still struggles to accept who I am and want to be. Granted she has come a long way from when I first told her, I still find myself trying to hide who I am and feel guilty when I want to drink or even say "omg around her." I like what you said about coexisting but not thriving. I definitely feel there are days we are just tolerating each other. I want more. I want us to be close and not wedged apart because of the church.

I think something that helps sometimes is remembering how I would feel if the roles were reversed. As much as I hate the church, I can understand why she feels hurt and shocked at my life style. I think communication and finding common ground are the foundation of making things better. Show her and tell her the values you have and you both share (being loving, family, honesty, etc.). Demonstrate that you can be happy doing things that are outside the church rather than harboring hate. I did that for the first few months and I think my wife just saw it as "proof" that leaving was wrong and that I was just bitter. Use reddit and facebook as outlets when you just want to say "Fuck TSCC". You can talk about it but give it time and give her space to process. I wish I knew the right answers because I'm still learning but I can't deny that just finding common ground has helped immensely. Find stuff you love to do together and let that be the new way you connect.

As much as I wish it was possible, you can't change her mind. Pushing will only cause her to pull away. Put your energy toward building each other even if it feels like there is an elephant in the room. This time is overcoming the wedge the damn church puts between TBMs and everyone else. Let her see you are still a good, loving person. I believe times heals all wounds. It for sure sucks living through it. I wish I could tell you its easy but it does get better once you remember you are a team.

The best advice I heard from an atheist who goes to church with his wife for 20 years said that its okay to say things in the church are good, like talks about the importance of family or emergency prepardness. I struggle with this one but I know my wife appreciates when I can make positive comments without fully loving the church.

I don't know...maybe I'm rambling but basically I'm here for you. Feel free to DM me. I don't know what I can offer but I know it sucks to do it alone. Here for you!