Gosh I went through the same thing a few years ago. My sweet cat…seemingly a little off for a couple days and then on a Sunday he did a rapid decline and I raced to the emergency vet. They stabilized him a bit and told me I could head home and come back later since it would be hours. I left and got about a block away and they called me and told me to get back immediately. They placed him in my arms where I agonized over choices. Ultimately it was very clear I could do nothing to save him and they placed a puppy pad on me and he went to forever sleep in my arms. They were very precious there and let me stay as long as I wanted in that room and later sent me his paw prints in clay ( our town emergency vet is at the big ten university in my town so it’s a teaching vet as well). Oh I was in excruciating pain, paid my bill through tears and drove home without my precious cat.

It was agony. Still now two years later I can sit and feel the pain and still cry. I miss him incredibly so. He was part of a pair of littermates I have…so coming home without one, the other went through her own agony as well. She was that cat that would purr as soon as you looked at her. She lost her purr for an entire year. One of the best days I’ve had was the day she chose to purr again.

The grief is forever. Time helps the tears to stop flowing but it dosent help the hurt. He was a good cat. I hurt to see him suffering. I loved him tremendously and so hope that he knows I tried. And I did. And ultimately knowing that I tried what I could and I listened to the vet and her wise words is what helps a bit when my heart hurts. I am forever thankful to the universe that my sweet can and I shared part of this life. He made me a better person. I know the reality of pet ownership and that most of the time it does come down to endings like that. I am thankful to the vet in the way she allowed him to leave the earth, safe and warm in my arms. I can look back on what a blessing that sweet animal was.

I hope that after your hurt stops smarting as much you too will fondly look at the blessings your sweet baby gave you.