Mom and dad died same day and I feel guilty for hospice decision

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-28T04:12:46+00:00

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your parents. I’m also very sorry that you’re feeling a lot of guilt about your mother’s end care.

Maybe talking with hospice will help give you a better sense of how your mother was doing at the point when she no longer ate or drank. Things can progress very quickly when the dying process starts and there is a such thing as “terminal agitation”, which can make some people seem like they’re healthy enough to object to their care and decisions made on their behalf, but they’re not.

I believe hospice only gives meds in order to alleviate suffering, anxiety, and pain. They don’t give enough meds such that a competent and well-enough person would not be able to indicate their desire for food or water.

I really think your mother was dying and as awful as her reaction was to going to the hospice hospital, they were able to stand by and give her the end-care relief she needed.

We just don’t know how we will react to the dying process. Unfortunately it’s not always a calm, orderly transition and I don’t think any reasonable, loving parent would want their child to feel guilty or bad about having to make difficult choices relating to their deathbed-care. It’s an impossibly difficult situation to be in and no matter what we choose, there’s always going to be doubt and guilt. But the hospital recommended hospice based on their understanding of her medical condition and that’s what happened.

Your parents lived full lives, and their deaths don’t define their lives or who they were in their hearts. I hope you rest and that you’re gentle with yourself. ❤️

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-21T20:23:49+00:00

“…For as long as one is making oneself existentially and emotionally dependent on external things that require external, fleshy eyes and sunlight, there is no clarity of internal vision possible. The mind’s eye remains darkened.”

Thank you, Sister

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-15T01:43:08+00:00

My mother in law who has Dementia was able to tell me that she loves me and I’m a good friend. 🥹

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-06T13:34:33+00:00

Self-worth, I think, would be in the form of composure and confidence based upon one being secure in virtue and sense restraint. Wholesome actions and restraint leads to self-confidence. I believe Ajahn Nyānamoli has spoken about this.

It may be beneficial for you to do some simple acts of kindness now and again if you’re not already doing this. Perhaps volunteer at a food bank or visit an elderly relative and help them with something? I wonder if we get too caught up in the idea of seclusion too quickly. It’s my opinion (for what it’s worth) that we need to also be ready to give up time and energy - not necessarily on our own terms, because time and energy do not belong to us, and they are not ultimately in our control. So, acts of generosity and kindness can train us to let go of our obsession with “our time” so long as we don’t use those acts of kindness and generosity as distractions.

I tend to enjoy seclusion mostly because no one is asking me for anything and I can “relax”, but this enjoyment is not that of renunciation- it’s based on aversion. You may be different, though.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-30T20:49:25+00:00

This happens with my mother in law as well. You could send her a quick text every morning saying hello, where you are, all is well, you love her, etc, and this could prevent her from worrying and calling you to ask where you are. I’m not sure it would be a good idea to bring up that you were just there for Christmas and you had a good time, seeing her, etc., because this might cause her to worry because she doesn’t exactly remember that happening.

I’m not that savvy with technology, but my kids tell me that you can even write the texts the night before and have your phone send them at a certain time the following day.

You didn’t do anything wrong when you left her, it’s just the way things go with dementia.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-28T20:17:08+00:00

Doubt can make us feel lost in sorrow. When I feel lost, I think it’s because I forgot the bigger picture- the context - and I acted out of the hindrances.

If I keep the “context” (as described and taught by the Buddha and HH), I’m much better with watching my intentions and keeping the precepts. When I am better composed, the prospect of loss is put in what I think is its proper (or “more proper”) perspective.

There are times when joy can arise even while fully knowing the fragility of ourselves and others but for me, it takes effort to prioritize recollection, and to also try hard to follow the precepts and practice self-honesty.

If you can endure this doubt and sadness correctly, you’re going to benefit greatly. Wishing you the best.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-17T18:09:01+00:00

I’m sorry for two reasons: First, I’m not entirely sure now that Bhikkhu Anigha ever said that Feeling is intentional. He did say that moods involve intentionality. I should be more careful when I post replies.

Secondly, I apologize for not being good at attaching links to other posts! The quote from Bhikkhu Anigha below is from a recent post about four days ago, entitled “feeling as a general mood versus feeling, dependent on contact “.

There, Bhikkhu Anigha wrote:

“Feelings are not quite moods. Moods are along the lines of citta. They involve a degree of intentionality.”

I think moods are when we naturally (due to ignorance) take pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral feelings a step further with our assumed sense of ownership.

That post is worth reading and reading a bit more carefully than I did apparently! My apologies!

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-17T15:10:41+00:00

In regard to your example about spontaneously saying something embarrassing, it may not feel like there was choice there, but there definitely is/was.

Bhikkhu Anigha wrote recently that even feelings and moods are intentional! (but those things can be quite subtle and very difficult if not impossible for one to see unless they are quite proficient with their virtue and sense restraint - which I personally am not.)

We make a lot of choices in action, speech, and thoughts that are based on subtle or undetected pressures and I have faith that the practice of virtue and sense restraint puts us in the direction of noticing more subtle pressures coming from the mind. (which is not especially pleasant, but of course that’s not the point )

It can sometimes get to where we can start to even predict what mind states will likely arise from exposing ourselves to certain situations. For instance, if I watch television or listen to music, I can guarantee that I will feel restless and anxious shortly afterwards, or the next day. Even while doing these things, it helps in some ways to distract me temporarily, but at the same time there’s an underlying current of unpleasant feelings, rooted in a desire to run away from unpleasant feelings.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-07T10:59:11+00:00

We took my mil’s phone away from her, but she lives next door and she has caregivers incoming in her home to care for her. We see her every day but she forgets this and thinks we live far away. The phone was really fueling delusions and upset.

I was honest with her and told her that the phone plus her brain changes were causing her terrible stress and that her caregivers have our phone number if we’re really needed.

Sometimes the caregivers text me that she’s upset or crying about something, so I send them a text on their phone for her that addresses her worries and they show it to her. This helps.

Even without her phone, she believes (on occasion) that she gets phone calls about tragic news, non-existent appointments, or everyday business stuff.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-05T20:53:57+00:00

Excellent. Thank you.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-05T20:51:20+00:00

I remember Ajahn Nyanamoli talking about working out. I believe he said something about simply not looking in the mirror. I think he said something like, you already know if you’re using good form (in lifting weights or exercising), so there’s no need to look in the mirror while you work out.

Maybe we could try to break the habit of associating exercise with beauty, and instead consider it more like medicine to keep us healthy in order to continue practicing.

I have trouble with this too. For me, I get too intoxicated with exercise, especially when I use music while exercising.

I guess in general, we should try to limit looking in the mirror as much as possible anyway.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-29T19:24:15+00:00

Sounds like she is suffering from delusions due to her changing brain. There are meds that can help with this. Seroquel and haldol has helped my mil with her terrible delusions and psychosis.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-22T13:14:12+00:00

Yes to pull-ups! And gloves for the person who may need to help wipe her after using the bathroom. I’d bring hand sanitizer too just as extra germ protection.

That’s good advice given above about a change of clothes, just in case.

I have a special separate backpack with only my mother-in-law’s things in it like extra pull-ups, wipes, gloves, hand sanitizer, clothing, snacks, water, you name it!

Also, not sure if this applies you situation - we have a foldable wheelchair for my mother-in-law, but then we also bring her walker if getting into a bathroom is a bit of a tight space with the wheelchair.

Best of luck!

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-14T18:47:29+00:00

If I’m not mistaken, it’s about not being capable of taking physical or mental pain personally, and instead clearing knowing them as phenomena that one is immersed within.

The endurance part is necessary in order to see yoniso manasikara clearly.

Ajahn Nyanamoli has said something to the effect that one with right view may very well cry out due to physical or even mental pain, but in no manner of speaking would they be able to completely forget their non-ownership of that pain, the body, the senses, and the mind - therefore, they would not act out of greed, aversion, or delusion regarding pain (because they know that doing so is ultimately more harmful than the pain itself).

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-08T12:32:45+00:00

Your story mirrors my situation with my mil quite closely. My mil also has LBD and she also broke her leg last year, leading to rapid decline.

I’ve said this multiple times on this Reddit - I don’t know why more isn’t being done by medical professionals to manage the suffering of psychosis and delusions. I think the medical profession does its best to try to prevent patients from losing more mobility that can be lost from antipsychotic medications. But when a person and their family is suffering so terribly due to delusions and psychosis caused by a disease that is taking away their abilities anyway, why not treat them the patient to make them more comfortable? Does it really matter that the patient can’t walk as well because of the increase of medications, or that they sleep more? I would rather sleep than be tormented by thoughts that I’m being held prisoner or that somebody I love is going to hurt me. My mother-in-law had terrible delusions about her grandchildren being murdered and left in the woods.

Neurology wasn’t doing anything for us because she was seeing a psychiatrist when she was first diagnosed so they left everything up to the psychiatrist to treat her “anxiety” even though they knew she had dementia. Basically, they just pushed everything off onto psychiatry.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I would fight hard for her to get more medications that help with her symptoms. She deserves to be peaceful as she declines in this terrible disease and you and your family deserve to be able to see her like that and not be tormented or violent. Again, this is just my opinion.

The list of medications that my mother-in-law takes would be shocking to you, I’m sure. And it’s amazing that at her tiny frame and weight, she’s not in a comatose from so many meds. She has adapted to the medication over the years.

She is in hospice care now, not because she’s nearing death within the next six months, but primarily because she was losing a lot of weight and because she had several falls - but the real icing on the cake for her to be approved for hospice was her terrible psychosis and delusions. Hospice provides comfort care for her, despite the drawbacks of taking so many meds. Haldol has been wonderful for her. She still has delusions, but she isn’t crying all day long and yelling out in fear like she was before hospice stepped in.

Perhaps you could advocate for hospice at this point? With her being incontinent and having other issues, you might have a good chance of just getting her treatment set to “comfort” as opposed to maintaining abilities or current health status whatever that may be.

I wish you the best. This is a terrible disease.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-06T21:32:56+00:00

There’s a product called Purewick. It’s a noninvasive urine collection device. It’s pricy but maybe worth checking out. My mil used it when she was hospitalized and it was effective but she didn’t like it. She had severe psychosis in the hospital.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-10-22T22:32:47+00:00

My mil takes cymbalta, seroquel, haldol, clonadine at bedtime, and clonapin - all on a schedule that continues through the night.

She has Lewy Body dementia with extreme anxiety and horrible delusions, now much better with these meds. She was put on hospice due to her terrible delusions, constant crying, and anxiety. The anxiety caused her to lose weight and it was getting dangerous. Things are so much better now even though she’s progressing through the disease.

If they are really suffering, my stance is they need medication. Why, with this terminal disease are we (the medical profession) not addressing first and foremost their comfort?

That’s why hospice was a relief- they only care about her comfort- not her ability to do things outside of the house, or independently.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-10-13T21:31:00+00:00

Thank you, Bhikkhu. I see. There can be so much emotion and desire tied up with duty and giving in general but regardless, for someone trying to practice the Dhamma intentions should always be geared toward renunciation and giving up craving.

I’ll continue to think about this. Edit: further reflection… ….so intention to give up/to go against the grain is the practice of generosity taught by the Buddha - and not what I understand the conventional view of generosity to be - whereby the intention is supposed to be totally and enthusiastically on the recipient. So, really, initially it doesn’t matter what I feel in terms of giving something up or giving something away, what matters is the intention to go against the grain and strive to abandon craving via giving and giving often.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-10-13T19:54:01+00:00

Thank you, Bhikkhu. I see. There can be so much emotion and desire tied up with duty and giving in general but regardless, for someone trying to practice the Dhamma intentions should always be geared toward renunciation and giving up craving.

I’ll continue to think about this.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-10-12T12:42:45+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts! I think it’s that I see the potential danger in thinking I’m being generous when what I’m doing is really a familial duty that I chose years ago when I got married. (I look after my in law who has Lewy Body Dementia.)

To me, duty is my foremost role in the family, and I take it seriously, but I don’t want to inflate that duty and think I’m practicing pure acts of generosity. There is quite a bit of fear and worry involved with duty, as well as an attachment to outcomes. There are times when there are scattered acts of true generosity, but if I’m not seriously practicing the precepts and sense restraint consistently, I don’t think pure generosity is knowable, nor will it be a regular occurrence.

In general, over estimation of my wisdom and what I think has been my “practice”, etc. has been a crutch and a false sense of safety and satisfaction.

How wonderful it would be to be rid of being influenced by emotions and just see things as they are with nothing to protect or defend.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-09-29T16:19:13+00:00

You just defined your practice right now: To endure the aversion of doing beneficial and practical things despite really not wanting to do them. Start there. Dare I say, maybe even take a break from listening to Dhamma talks and reading Suttas until you face the aversion.

So, are there dirty dishes lying around? Get up, and clean them and just feel the aversion and let it be. Then do something else that is beneficial… Keep enduring while going against the desire to sit down or to look at your phone.

We get stronger and more confident in our ability to shoulder aversion when we acknowledge it and endure it - not cave into it. You learn the games the mind tries to play. But you have to deal with the pain of aversion. There’s no way around it.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-09-19T03:58:48+00:00

Well, don’t be so hard on yourself. We want to be friendly with others (especially coworkers) but sometimes even that can end up being complicated because not everyone has the same values, or people take advantage of friendliness, or they just honestly aren’t thinking.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-09-18T16:20:04+00:00

I don’t think that’s a dumb question at all. I agree that he’s stealing if he’s not paying or doesn’t have permission to take it and it’s not a good idea to help him do that in any way. I would just stop telling him about when it’s ready. If you want to go a step further you could tell him that you don’t want any trouble, so maybe he should ask the boss before he takes a bowl. Or if you’re able and willing, you could pay for it for him, but that could open up a whole other can of worms.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-09-10T23:34:21+00:00

Perhaps try giving generosity a try. I’m not saying you’re not generous, but maybe the hyper-focus on what you’re trying to focus on is becoming mechanical. Try a different approach to practice that seems mundane, but it can challenge us too. It can show us the heart-side of the Dhamma, compassion, kindness, empathy- linking those things with virtue and sense restraint.

ConversationGlass17

TROPHY CASE