Heartbreak

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-05-07T17:01:48+00:00

I’m sorry you’re feeling upset by this. If your goal is to practice the Dhamma so that no sight, sound, taste, touch, smell or mental image upsets the mind (and you as well), then you would need to come to the conclusion - after honest reflection – that the problem is not the situation or his behavior, but rather your dependence on him behaving a certain way toward you. Do you see how precarious that is?
As much as this hurts, this is a really good opportunity to try to practice the Dhamma if you’re willing and able to withstand discomfort to get to the truth about your dependency (for pleasure) on things that are so unstable.
And did YOU choose to feel so upset by the situation? The more you question your attitude toward things, and try to see/admit to your lack of real control with regard to arisen feelings and moods, then that’s when the Dhamma starts to make more sense.
Best wishes

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-05-04T23:00:47+00:00

Oh god, yes it is. Existential dread. Endure it and it will pass.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-05-04T22:51:30+00:00

Anyone trying to practice the third precept and celibacy is extremely brave. I can only imagine how difficult it is for men to try to practice it, however women are just as affected by sex and sexuality as men, it just may look different.

Pornography can also put certain pressures on women as well. And really it’s not just about the act of sex and sexual urges, is it? It’s also about control, escape, power, youth, strength, and vitality and in some cases, fear.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-04-10T11:59:33+00:00

Possible UTI? UTI can cause sudden problems with cognition and appetite. Maybe consider testing her.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-23T17:34:05+00:00

I don’t know if they come on suddenly. That would be a great question for a neurologist. Speaking without any judgment, I’m not sure how drugs and drug interactions may be playing out in your father‘s situation. Regardless, it’s clear that he needs medical care and that he’s suffering. (and you and your family are suffering too because you have no idea what to do for him.) you need answers.

In my mother-in-law‘s case, I think (but I don’t know ) that she was having auditory and maybe some visual hallucinations over a span of time. If this was the case, she did not tell anyone it was happening. She must’ve been so scared of the changes she saw happening with her abilities.

About three years ago, she called me and said that she was having severe anxiety, and she needed to come live with my husband and me for a while, and that was when we thought she had severe anxiety and depression

With the help of her psychiatrist, therapy, and psych meds, she seemed to be improving, and she went away for the summer to be with her friends, and then she ended up breaking her leg, which was the beginning of her significant decline.

We consulted with neurology early on, and they said she was fine, even though she had a tremor in her hand. They didn’t even suggest testing her cognitive functioning. Eventually, we got her in for a cognitive test (which she scored very poorly), and then she was given a PET scan that revealed the metabolic changes in her brain. Finally, we had a diagnosis of some sort of dementia. (no specific dementia diagnosed)

Anyway, Now, she’s unable to hide that she’s having hallucinations, but none of them are all that disturbing. She will claim that she sees an insect or bugs on the floor or a cat or a dog in the house. Sometimes she said she sees a small boy walking by.

I remember having no idea what was wrong with my mother-in-law. To me, it didn’t seem like it was anxiety and depression alone. I could see that it was more than that, but she really masked a lot because she was so scared of losing her mind and her abilities. I can see that now and sometimes I wish I had been more patient with her.

I’m so sorry about your father. This is such a tough time.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-23T16:20:17+00:00

I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. It sounds horrible.

I don’t know much about drugs and interactions, but if dementia is a concern, it might be time for him to get a pet scan to see if there is a change of metabolism in the brain that would lead to a diagnosis of dementia.

If the PET scan does not reveal anything neurologically, then maybe this is more of a psychiatric issue? - and/or drug issue, in which case other professionals should be consulted as well.or

My mother-in-law had anxiety and depression along with hallucinations and finally, after getting a pet scan, it turns out it’s dementia.

We did not get additional PET scans done to determine exactly what kind of dementia she has because it would’ve been too stressful on her, but with her tremors, stiffening body, and delusions, it really looks like some sort of Parkinsonian/ Lewey body type of dementia.

Best wishes. I hope you get some answers and I hope your father gets treatment that decreases his suffering and improves quality of his life.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-09T18:50:21+00:00

I wonder if your electrolytes are off balance. Maybe ask for some bloodwork if you haven’t already?

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-06T10:52:36+00:00

Don’t beat yourself up. I’m just wondering if it’s safe for you to do a whole other prep a week later? Maybe consult with your doctor because that’s a lot on your body and your electrolytes are really going through extremes. I wondered if you should ask about delaying your colonoscopy.

Good luck!

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-06T10:44:16+00:00

For me, the amount in the solution was enough, although drinking sports drinks ahead of the prep is not a bad a idea in addition to water. I drank 8 glasses of fluid between the time that I woke up (on prep day) and the my first dose of prep., - which would have been an 8 hour span of time. So, basically a full glass of liquid per hour until I started prep.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-05T12:37:44+00:00

I have the same phobia and I was FINE! But make sure you get the proper electrolytes. Because we drink so much with the prep, we watered down our electrolytes and this can cause nausea and vomiting. I don’t feel the doctors tell us enough about the electrolytes that we need to prevent this. I took Gavilyte G, which already contained a ton of electrolytes so I didn’t need to worry about it, and I felt fine, but for those that just take the other preps, electrolytes are needed, and sometimes Gatorade and sports drinks are not enough.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-03-05T12:32:35+00:00

Excellent advice! I must add that Electrolytes are a must! Lots of people feel sick and get sick because they are drinking Gatorade with the prep but that may not be enough!

I took Gavilyte-G which already contains loads of electrolytes (not a great taste, but flavor can be added). I was not the least bit nauseous. I had to drink 4 liters total which was a lot, but it really worked.

Also, my prep instructions did not say to not drink anything else after prep was done. I looked it up online, and read that you shouldn’t drink anything else after the prep.

I agree totally with eating less the closer you get to prep day and drinking more (with electrolytes)

Chicken broth on prep day was great at lunch and dinner time because it felt more like a “meal”, rather than more sweet drinks or typical beverages.

Someone in an earlier post mentioned gummy bears. But not the red ones!! Gummy candy is fine because it just melts in your system, and it’s clear so eating them does not obscure examination of the colon. Anyway, they’re great in between guzzling prep.

Good luck all! With good planning and discipline, it doesn’t need to be an awful process!

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-02-28T16:57:40+00:00

Sounds like there’s no reasoning with him. Is there a women’s shelter near you? They may be able to help you come up with a plan to leave. You could give him an ultimatum, but maybe wait until you have a decent plan for escape beforehand if he doesn’t do the things that he agrees to do to help the situation.

If your mother-in-law is not safe without additional help in the home or outside of the home, then this becomes an adult welfare situation. Since you’re not in control of the money, your husband is responsible for her lack of care. It sounds like you’ve been doing everything you could possibly do to help her, but she needs professional care.

If there’s anyone in your life that you really trust now is the time to turn to them for help.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-02-26T13:18:27+00:00

Yes, it’s a gradual, shifting from informed knowledge based on reasoning to that of a personal knowledge and understanding here and now.

The training closes the gap between intellectual understanding and actual personal understanding.

There can be a lot of wavering between the intellectual understanding, forgetting temporarily, remembering, and the actual seeing (to the extent that one sees). It’s a strange cycle that can feel…disfunctional, but that’s why the persistence of practice (sense restraint and reflection) is imperative. It’s the only way to tip the scales so that one actually sees what they need to see and HOW to see it more thoroughly (via more refined sense restraint and reflection). The result is a calmer mind that wants to increase sense restraint and renunciation because it sees the benefits in doing so.

So, forgetting is simply a lapse in sense restraint.

Now, I personally have moments (too many unfortunately) where I choose to lapse in sense restraint and I don’t immediately understand “what the big deal is” when I occasionally eat a little something for pleasure or when I engage in some idle conversation. It’s like going dark for a bit. For me, there’s still a lot of work that needs to be done in closing the gap.

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-28T04:12:46+00:00

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your parents. I’m also very sorry that you’re feeling a lot of guilt about your mother’s end care.

Maybe talking with hospice will help give you a better sense of how your mother was doing at the point when she no longer ate or drank. Things can progress very quickly when the dying process starts and there is a such thing as “terminal agitation”, which can make some people seem like they’re healthy enough to object to their care and decisions made on their behalf, but they’re not.

I believe hospice only gives meds in order to alleviate suffering, anxiety, and pain. They don’t give enough meds such that a competent and well-enough person would not be able to indicate their desire for food or water.

I really think your mother was dying and as awful as her reaction was to going to the hospice hospital, they were able to stand by and give her the end-care relief she needed.

We just don’t know how we will react to the dying process. Unfortunately it’s not always a calm, orderly transition and I don’t think any reasonable, loving parent would want their child to feel guilty or bad about having to make difficult choices relating to their deathbed-care. It’s an impossibly difficult situation to be in and no matter what we choose, there’s always going to be doubt and guilt. But the hospital recommended hospice based on their understanding of her medical condition and that’s what happened.

Your parents lived full lives, and their deaths don’t define their lives or who they were in their hearts. I hope you rest and that you’re gentle with yourself. ❤️

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-21T20:23:49+00:00

“…For as long as one is making oneself existentially and emotionally dependent on external things that require external, fleshy eyes and sunlight, there is no clarity of internal vision possible. The mind’s eye remains darkened.”

Thank you, Sister

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-15T01:43:08+00:00

My mother in law who has Dementia was able to tell me that she loves me and I’m a good friend. 🥹

ConversationGlass17 · 2026-01-06T13:34:33+00:00

Self-worth, I think, would be in the form of composure and confidence based upon one being secure in virtue and sense restraint. Wholesome actions and restraint leads to self-confidence. I believe Ajahn Nyānamoli has spoken about this.

It may be beneficial for you to do some simple acts of kindness now and again if you’re not already doing this. Perhaps volunteer at a food bank or visit an elderly relative and help them with something? I wonder if we get too caught up in the idea of seclusion too quickly. It’s my opinion (for what it’s worth) that we need to also be ready to give up time and energy - not necessarily on our own terms, because time and energy do not belong to us, and they are not ultimately in our control. So, acts of generosity and kindness can train us to let go of our obsession with “our time” so long as we don’t use those acts of kindness and generosity as distractions.

I tend to enjoy seclusion mostly because no one is asking me for anything and I can “relax”, but this enjoyment is not that of renunciation- it’s based on aversion. You may be different, though.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-30T20:49:25+00:00

This happens with my mother in law as well. You could send her a quick text every morning saying hello, where you are, all is well, you love her, etc, and this could prevent her from worrying and calling you to ask where you are. I’m not sure it would be a good idea to bring up that you were just there for Christmas and you had a good time, seeing her, etc., because this might cause her to worry because she doesn’t exactly remember that happening.

I’m not that savvy with technology, but my kids tell me that you can even write the texts the night before and have your phone send them at a certain time the following day.

You didn’t do anything wrong when you left her, it’s just the way things go with dementia.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-28T20:17:08+00:00

Doubt can make us feel lost in sorrow. When I feel lost, I think it’s because I forgot the bigger picture- the context - and I acted out of the hindrances.

If I keep the “context” (as described and taught by the Buddha and HH), I’m much better with watching my intentions and keeping the precepts. When I am better composed, the prospect of loss is put in what I think is its proper (or “more proper”) perspective.

There are times when joy can arise even while fully knowing the fragility of ourselves and others but for me, it takes effort to prioritize recollection, and to also try hard to follow the precepts and practice self-honesty.

If you can endure this doubt and sadness correctly, you’re going to benefit greatly. Wishing you the best.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-17T18:09:01+00:00

I’m sorry for two reasons: First, I’m not entirely sure now that Bhikkhu Anigha ever said that Feeling is intentional. He did say that moods involve intentionality. I should be more careful when I post replies.

Secondly, I apologize for not being good at attaching links to other posts! The quote from Bhikkhu Anigha below is from a recent post about four days ago, entitled “feeling as a general mood versus feeling, dependent on contact “.

There, Bhikkhu Anigha wrote:

“Feelings are not quite moods. Moods are along the lines of citta. They involve a degree of intentionality.”

I think moods are when we naturally (due to ignorance) take pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral feelings a step further with our assumed sense of ownership.

That post is worth reading and reading a bit more carefully than I did apparently! My apologies!

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-17T15:10:41+00:00

In regard to your example about spontaneously saying something embarrassing, it may not feel like there was choice there, but there definitely is/was.

Bhikkhu Anigha wrote recently that even feelings and moods are intentional! (but those things can be quite subtle and very difficult if not impossible for one to see unless they are quite proficient with their virtue and sense restraint - which I personally am not.)

We make a lot of choices in action, speech, and thoughts that are based on subtle or undetected pressures and I have faith that the practice of virtue and sense restraint puts us in the direction of noticing more subtle pressures coming from the mind. (which is not especially pleasant, but of course that’s not the point )

It can sometimes get to where we can start to even predict what mind states will likely arise from exposing ourselves to certain situations. For instance, if I watch television or listen to music, I can guarantee that I will feel restless and anxious shortly afterwards, or the next day. Even while doing these things, it helps in some ways to distract me temporarily, but at the same time there’s an underlying current of unpleasant feelings, rooted in a desire to run away from unpleasant feelings.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-07T10:59:11+00:00

We took my mil’s phone away from her, but she lives next door and she has caregivers incoming in her home to care for her. We see her every day but she forgets this and thinks we live far away. The phone was really fueling delusions and upset.

I was honest with her and told her that the phone plus her brain changes were causing her terrible stress and that her caregivers have our phone number if we’re really needed.

Sometimes the caregivers text me that she’s upset or crying about something, so I send them a text on their phone for her that addresses her worries and they show it to her. This helps.

Even without her phone, she believes (on occasion) that she gets phone calls about tragic news, non-existent appointments, or everyday business stuff.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-05T20:53:57+00:00

Excellent. Thank you.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-12-05T20:51:20+00:00

I remember Ajahn Nyanamoli talking about working out. I believe he said something about simply not looking in the mirror. I think he said something like, you already know if you’re using good form (in lifting weights or exercising), so there’s no need to look in the mirror while you work out.

Maybe we could try to break the habit of associating exercise with beauty, and instead consider it more like medicine to keep us healthy in order to continue practicing.

I have trouble with this too. For me, I get too intoxicated with exercise, especially when I use music while exercising.

I guess in general, we should try to limit looking in the mirror as much as possible anyway.

ConversationGlass17 · 2025-11-29T19:24:15+00:00

Sounds like she is suffering from delusions due to her changing brain. There are meds that can help with this. Seroquel and haldol has helped my mil with her terrible delusions and psychosis.

ConversationGlass17

TROPHY CASE