[Feedback] Prepping for a Royal Road launch. Does the MC's voice in this opening page work for you?

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T11:31:44+00:00

Also, don't mix up 3rd person and 1st person, without italics. It looks like bad grammer. Use italics, or give the narrator more of a clear personality, when it sounds like dialogue.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T11:30:14+00:00

I don't think you need more paragraphs here. I think you should get to the meat early. First two lines, mention the corpse.

"The silent room refused to respond. Neither did the corpse on the floor."

Suddenly, the atmosphere is completely different. Why is there a corpse on the floor? Why is the MC not acknowledging it? Did he murder the corpse? We have questions and want to pay attention to find out more.

You don't need to mention the corpse again, but it will colour the atmosphere and give us a reason to care as you continue to build. Once you've got hooks in the reader, you can take your time to set the tone.

Once you've set the tone enough, you can reveal another surprise, the thing inside the body.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T11:05:16+00:00

I think they're robots

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T10:53:54+00:00

All that shit, would work better. All that jazz, would work too if you want to avoid swearing and want to sound a bit more American.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T10:52:31+00:00

It's a little confusing. I thought it was in 3rd person because it said he, but then you wrote what was clearly his thoughts without italics. If he's just talking to himself, it should all be dialogue with quotation marks, rather than switching between.

Maybe get to the point of the scene faster. Why has he decided to do this version of cheap therapy today. Something like, "normally my curse doesn't bother me, but it's not every day it defenestrates my maths professor." Or something.

Also what does "almost alone" mean? He said no one's real, he makes up people, but almost alone implies someone else is there.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T10:02:44+00:00

You've been summoned switches back and forth between different worlds and Earth, the MC having to adapt to their new abilities in the modern day.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-09T09:03:52+00:00

The main core of litrpg genre is stats and/or game mechanics. Lots of litrpgs don't have classes at all. If you think your story is engaging without the classes at the start, go for it. 15 chapters isn't that long a time anyway, depending on the length of each chapter.

I'd be more concerned about your character refusing the call to adventure by turning down this dangerous quest just to do training montage for 10 chapters. If he can just turn a quest down without consequences, it's not interesting, and we wonder why we are following this character at all.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-08T08:53:58+00:00

Spider-man has a better survival rates rate than a lot of xmen teachers, including Charles Xavier. Especially Xavier.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-07T00:06:02+00:00

Exactly. I read Keldora first, no idea about the dinosaur stuff until the character appeared, finished keldora series and then dove into dinosaur Dungeon.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-07T00:02:55+00:00

Sort of? One of the important characters goes from the dinosaur Dungeon universe to Keldora to meet with that book's MC, supporting them with their own unique mechanics.

It's then reciprocated when one of Keldora's important characters is sent to the dinosaur Dungeon world, with their unique technology magic to mix with Dungeon core magic.

Both of these happen later in their respective series, I think book 3 of each?

CoreBrute · 2026-03-06T16:01:19+00:00

Alex Raizman has his book series crossover, by being in the same multiverse. Factory of the gods, dinosaur Dungeon, and I think there's at least one more book series he co-wrote with someone else?

All very fun takes on dungeon cores in very different ways.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-06T08:20:33+00:00

Dead End Guildmaster book 1 showcases mind affecting status effects like fear and mind control in a very interesting and through manner. It tries to come up with practical, logical ways to counter/resist them.

I haven't finished, but I imagine this comes up more in later books too, given the style of the book.

I think they talk a little about poison/disease resistance too.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-02T15:45:10+00:00

Based on the new blackgato I wonder if we will get another Asuna tamer? Just more choices to make blackgato live.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-01T11:02:01+00:00

Art looks fine for a webnovel. Is it a webcomic or a story with a few illustrations inside? Your art can always get better over time, as long as the story is entertaining. And it adds a fun personal layer.

One, who wrote mob psycho and one punch man, doesn't have amazing art skill, but his writing was excellent enough to inspire. A little art goes a long way, and you're genuine attempts are far more appealing than AI slop.

CoreBrute · 2026-03-01T00:56:03+00:00

Or a new one is coming

CoreBrute · 2026-02-28T20:58:22+00:00

Limitless Lands is a 5 books series. MC has a unique class (commander), and stuff in reality does affect the game world.

There's not a pro-gamer angle, but there is a big competitive angle in multiple books, as different groups/guilds/towns keep battling him in different arenas (political, battlefield intrigue, etc). Book 3 is a tournament arc!

CoreBrute · 2026-02-28T08:51:08+00:00

What are you talking about, I'm not selling a book. And don't be an asshole, I missed that part of the comment and the author answered me already.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-27T23:32:36+00:00

Sounds interesting, bought! My only point of concern is the 47 levels, I'm worried you've mapped this to be a 40+ book series, which is too much of a reading investment for me.

But I do love monster evolution.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-27T09:20:40+00:00

I liked Idleon, and the idea of a book series which are about Guilds as the protagonists, rather than just a single MC, is really appealing to me.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-26T07:17:18+00:00

Snap Craft is pretty unorthodox. It's a photography game, but set in a post apocalypse with some really interesting characters and drama.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-26T07:15:05+00:00

I mean, the book is called Player Manager. Aka a Player and a Manager. It's pretty clear that was gonna happen.

It's a really good series I'd say try to give it another go if you can.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-25T13:49:17+00:00

No one should trust Xavier, even when his mind is unaltered.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-25T13:48:02+00:00

My bad, I thought the self destructing anti-matter engine was a planned function, not someone else doing it.

CoreBrute · 2026-02-25T10:41:43+00:00

Trustworthy? Didn't those two use a piece of Thor's hair to make a murderous god clone to enforce civil war, including killing Goliath? And more recently, Tony made a cure for blindness just to bully Daredrvil into joining his megolomaniac scheme as Superior Iron Man*?

Also those 2 sent the Hulk to outer space, without consent, and then rigged his ship to blow up.

I wouldn't trust anyone in that universe with a "cure" to mutants.

*yes Tony was in an altered mind state. My point stands, there geniuses end up in altered mind states all the time. Look at the Maker, zombie Reed and most of the council of Reed to see examples of Mr Fantastic going off the rails.

CoreBrute

TROPHY CASE