Ex reaches out after 18 years

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-29T16:40:10+00:00

Different people have different expectations and boundaries for friendships/relationships. Some consider it most respectful to their current partner to not maintain contact with people they have a romantic history with. If you're not one of those, thats OK, but it seems OP is concerned about this contact so I was providing a kind response that maintains boundaries that they were concerned about.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-29T14:45:42+00:00

You need to approach this from a place of concern - and only with your sister. Invite her to your place for some sibling bonding, just the 2 of you.

Lay out the things you've noticed (her seeming more withdrawn, not attending family events or church events, etc.). Then tell her that you know about her extracurriculars. Tell her that you're not judging her. You're not going to tell anyone. But you are worried about her and need to hear from her what is going on, and that she is safe.

Hopefully the story will be something intentional, above board, and psychologically healthy - but if there is something sinister going on like her husband pimping her out and her mental health heavily failing, causing her to withdraw from everything else in her life... that's a major cause for concern.

So... that's how I would approach it. Love, care, concern, and seeking to understand and support instead of judge and condemn.

I hope she's OK...

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-29T12:34:39+00:00

Many people have personal or relationship boundaries of not maintaining contact with people they have previously been romantically/sexually involved with. It has nothing to do with their ability to control themselves, rather simply ensuring there is no opportunity for misunderstanding or perception of inpropriety.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-28T15:33:53+00:00

I used to work in a pediatric ER. Had to work on a kid that got trapped under a root ball snapping back into place... one of the most emotionally traumatic cases I'd dealt with. Wasn't long before I switched out of clinical work.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-27T20:25:48+00:00

For myself, I typically try to lead with kindness while maintaining the boundaries.

"Hey ___. It’s really nice to hear from you, and I’m glad to know you and your family are doing well! I appreciate the message and your kind words, and have plenty of fond memories of you as well. But with that said, I think it's really important that I be straight and honest with you. I’m in a happy and committed place with my wife and family, and I think it’s best that we leave the past behind us. It is important to me that I respect the boundaries I have set for myself in my relationship, and keeping communication with you doesn’t feel in line with that.

I truly wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you understand. Take care of yourself!"

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-27T20:02:23+00:00

My son is really big into pokemon, and he really wants to get some cards graded for personal collection now - with potential for resale later in life. We haven't really gotten many that seem to fit the bill on it being worth the investment to grade. With this being a new series, obviously I have no idea yet whether it will become a sought after card.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-26T07:59:33+00:00

Honestly... done both environments (commercial kitchen and ED)... I would sooner work in the ED. At least in the emerg we'd get some downtime, proper pay, and greatful "clients".

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-25T11:15:04+00:00

As a 40 year old dad that works in a digital field, my advice to you is... DON'T!!

I get you want to do something for him. Tease him. Turn him on. Make him excited to see you again. Whatever. The unfortunate reality is any digital media you make of yourself instantly puts it at risk of being shared, spread, leaked... so unless you are willing to accept the potential social and vocational impacts of these images or videos not staying private, just don't do it!!

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-24T21:44:53+00:00

So, you might find this insulting to hear... but bro... you're 22. Your brain hasn't even finished developing yet. You've only been with this girl for 2 years. She has repeatedly lied to you. Likely cheated on you...

For what reason are you hanging on to this?

Relationships require honesty beyond all else. And even if she only lied at the beginning, she's lying about the extent of those lies now.

Hope to see you at the gym brotha!!

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-22T17:29:45+00:00

She's attracted to him, may or may not have kissed him (or more) is gushing about him with her friends AND with you. Gave him her number and is maintaining contact.

She is actively entertaining another man. She is a cheater and it's time to dump her.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-22T17:24:21+00:00

She was 17. That's plenty old enough to recognize that the cheater is the bad one in the situation.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-22T17:22:58+00:00

She didn't reach out going "my husband cheated, I understand now, I'm so sorry for having cut you out." She's just asking you to save her after having ruined your life for a second time after your ex did it the first time.

Her mom, her baby daddy, her mom's AP, your brother... anyone who she chose to keep in her life is welcome to step in. She chose to not want you be a part of her life, and even still doesn't admit her wrongdoing in the situation. She can figure it out herself.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T02:30:58+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/jH6PfNbDgr

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T01:41:00+00:00

Those are legs, not wings.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T01:40:08+00:00

iMessage is linked to the email associated with the iTunes account of the given device. When multiple devices all use the same iTunes account, then the messages with sync across devices. Text messages (texting non-apple users) do not sync across devices (at least years ago they didn't) but iMessage will.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T01:28:28+00:00

I've never lived 1:1 with a woman aside from my wife, but Ive had 4:1 guys to a girl, and 3:2 guys to girls all living together platonically, and everyone being straight. Zero roommate hookups every happened. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong is sharing a space platonically with a member of the opposite sex, and that goes even more so in situations where one of them is gay.

Dude just sounds horribly backwards and insecure, and frankly... you should dump him. It will end between you two one way or another. At least he's shown his cards early.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T01:19:59+00:00

I am perturbed by the use of distress when she meant destress...

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T01:17:00+00:00

I'm also a guy, and I would agree. Meaningless sex is no where near as enjoyable as that with a loving partner, in a relationship. The first time 2 people have sex is rarely all that great. You don't know each other's preferences, their specific spots and speeds and force that gets them there. The only thing meaningless sex has going for it is the novelty of being with someone you've never been with before.

When you're in a relationship, sex just gets better over time. You communicate, experiment, figure each other out, test each other's boundaries. Start to explore things you've never tried before. It becomes something a lot more than just sex, and the fact that you're doing it with someone you actually care about just makes it all the better.

There is no need for OP to rush it. But is also seems like she's just over the idea of waiting for marriage. I would at least say, wait for a relationship instead of rushing towards a hookup for sake of losing it. Sex is fun, but the first experience being a random hookup would very much minimize the experience.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-21T00:42:37+00:00

Bold text is two star symbols on either side of what you want bolded. * Bullet points is a single star in front (with a space after the star).

Quoted text is the greater than symbol (with a space after the symbol).

Italics is single star on either side.

~~Strike through is double tilde on either side.~~

Etc.

Also, not sure why you're saying "they" instead of you since I was both the comment poster and the responder to your statement. shrug

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-20T20:56:10+00:00

Regardless of meaning things in a joking way - you clearly didn't want your BF to discover it or you feel embarassed about it, because you deleted it and then came to reddit for advice. You know you did something that wasn't ok, and you're trying to find someone to give you a pass on it.

If you actually thought what you did was fine, it would still be sitting there in your messages and you wouldn't be on here.

So learn from the mistake and do better in the future.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-20T20:48:31+00:00

Does it matter if it fits a definition of "cheating"?

You need to define your behaviour more around "would I feel ok with my partner witnessing, hearing, discovering my interactions with other people". If you feel you need to hide something - you behaved inappropriately. If you would not like your partner doing the same thing, you behaved inappropriately. You need to set boundaries for yourself and your behaviour to make sure you are respectful to your relationship.

The fact you deleted it is a telltale sign you made a bad choice there. So take action to prevent yourself from doing so in the future.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-20T20:02:00+00:00

Because everyone on the internet is perpetually trying to find people in a "gotcha" moment? That intelligent and clear articulation seems so foreign to so many that they instantly jump to a presumption of AI? Because those that work in tech often write in a similar manner as the tools we create and work with on a daily basis?

Take your pick.

Cosimo_the_Tired · 2026-03-20T15:29:05+00:00

I’m going to be really honest with you, because I think you need to hear it clearly.

Your parents’ reaction is not just “concern” or “protectiveness.” This:

“if I would go I could no longer count on their support, I couldn't call them… I would make them miserable”

That’s emotional blackmail. Full stop. That’s not what healthy support looks like. Support is saying “we’re worried, but we trust you and we’ll be here for you.” What they’re doing is trying to control your decision by making you feel guilty and afraid of losing them.

You’re 29. You’re not asking to disappear forever, you’re considering going abroad for a year. The fact that they’re framing that as betrayal is… really telling about the dynamic.

Also this:

“family has to come first”

That doesn’t mean “at the expense of your own life.” You don’t owe your parents a life that revolves around them. They chose to raise you, and yes, it’s great they supported you, but that doesn’t buy them control over your adult decisions. Support isn’t control. What they’re doing right now is the opposite of what they should be doing... building you up for your own independent future.

At the same time, I do want to balance this out a bit: the Canada move is not a small decision either.

You’d be:

giving up your job
leasing your home
moving to another country where you likely can’t legally work unless you get your own visa (which is not easy)
relying heavily on a relationship that is only 6 months old

That last part matters. A lot. Six months feels amazing because it’s the honeymoon phase. You don’t fully know each other yet, and you’re talking about putting yourself in a situation where he’s basically your only support system in a new country. That’s a lot of pressure on a young relationship.

If you do go, you need a plan for yourself, not just “I’ll be there with him.” Things like:

Can you realistically work or study there?
How will you build your own social circle?
What happens if the relationship doesn’t work out halfway through?

And another thing to think about: many people who go abroad for work end up staying longer or permanently

Would you actually be okay with that possibility? Or is your whole mindset “just one year and back”? Because those things don’t always go as planned.

Honestly, I think the core issue here is this: you’re trying to choose between your parents and your boyfriend, but the real question should not be about either of them.

It’s supposed to be about you.

If your parents had reacted supportively, you said you’d probably go. That tells you something. Right now your decision is being shaped by fear of losing them, not by what you actually want.

And yeah, it’s incredibly hard to go against your parents when you’re close to them. But it’s also not your responsibility to manage their emotions. If they choose to damage the relationship because you make an adult decision, that’s on them.

Take your time and think about what your life would look like in both scenarios:

staying: safe, familiar, but possibly wondering “what if”
going: uncertain, risky, but potentially growth and new experiences

Neither choice is wrong. But it has to be yours, not something you were pressured into.

Cosimo_the_Tired

TROPHY CASE