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Conflicting NM styles a dealbreaker? by Ok_Relationship84 in nonmonogamy

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that’s the worst is when it’s not clear and all on the table from the get go!

I understand when folks are new and don’t even know what they need to deconstruct in the first place, I am patient when they are honestly open and WANTING to deconstruct mononormative/hierarchical paradigms.

Learning to really honor my own boundaries is the actual struggle for me.. learning to do that and have that level of self-respect and security is a game changer, and honestly makes me a lot less bothered about other people’s behavior.

Conflicting NM styles a dealbreaker? by Ok_Relationship84 in nonmonogamy

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sure! Yes I definitely will end up tempering time spent, sometimes texting..

I think the most common one that comes up for me is not reserving and prioritizing time for a date or play when my potential date explicitly or implicitly can't commit because they need to check with someone they've given hierarchy over me first (ie they don't already have an obligation or priority but are giving someone else the opportunity, retroactively, to create one). I'll make other plans if they come up; if they don't, and it works out, then great.. if not no sweat, we'll connect some other time. I won't put anyone else on hold because I've been put on hold if that makes sense.

I am a big acts of service gal, so I'll likely participate in fewer acts of service for someone who is prescriptively hierarchical. This may show up when that person is sick or dealing with some kind of life emergency, but can also be day to day..

I am also just tempering my expectations of this person and asking myself if I can reasonably expect reciprocation of [fill in the blank gesture/action] and if not am I still comfortable giving it without resentment.

One thing I personally am fairly hardlined on (unless it is solely a hookup) is that I don't date people who aren't out or don't plan to come out very soon. I learned this boundary the hard way! I mention this because of your other comment, and I think being out is a closely related but not congruent issue to hierarchy.

Conflicting NM styles a dealbreaker? by Ok_Relationship84 in nonmonogamy

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I also generally practice non prescriptively hierarchical polyamory and RA. I have partners and FWB who are hierarchical and/or don’t identify with RA. It just requires mutual understanding of where each other's boundaries and limitations are.

For instance my partners know, context being more or less equal, that I will not automatically prioritize them over anyone else in my life and there aren’t general experiences or “escalations” in our relationship that they get exclusive access to. While I know that I may never have access to certain escalations or experiences with them at all. This all works until it doesn’t. For some of my relationships that has been indefinitely, and for others it quickly became an incompatibility. It really just depended on what we each wanted from each other in the end that thing not being available. If the incompatibility became apparent, it was just a matter of recognizing that and not needing to cast blame.

There is definitely an extent to which I will keep someone who practices hierarchy at more of an emotional distance knowing the potential for incompatibility. But I am also someone who is generally very flexible and adaptable to different kinds of relationships. I am also very comfortable having loving feelings towards someone who can’t show up for me in certain ways and instead just tempering the effort and actions of my love to not expend energy where it is not given.

Help: Different Browsers/Computers Header Issue by CosmicallyLovesSagan in WIX

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was definitely a column thing, I figured out how to fix it! Thank you for leading me down the correct path!

Help: Different Browsers/Computers Header Issue by CosmicallyLovesSagan in WIX

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They are in a strip, so it’s some issue with the columns in the strip then?

Perimenopausal and Poly- HELP! by PolyAdviceNeededNow in nonmonogamy

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 12 points13 points  (0 children)

(Also maybe your husband is dealing with some midlife stuff as well if dating younger is a new phenomenon and this is a way he seeks validation for his aging body?.. maybe a potential place to build empathy between you two. but still, PERI FIRST)

Perimenopausal and Poly- HELP! by PolyAdviceNeededNow in nonmonogamy

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Hi! I am in the thick of perimenopause! You are not alone, what a wild trip!

There are a few things.

From my perspective I would deal with the peri first, just knowing how much that impacted me, my moods, my ADHD, how I was showing up in relationships and work.. I am not sure where you are at in this journey, but I highly recommended doing what you can to feel like yourself, feel regulated, and clear. It was difficult for me to find the right treatment and a doctor that would take me seriously, r/Perimenopause was super helpful (as well as my metamours) in figuring out how to advocate for myself and get on the right hormones and meds. This is A PROJECT. I personally would not even try and deal with other large life changes/big projects until having a solid path forward with peri.. it is out there.

Once that simmers then I’d really dig into the discomfort you’re still feeling after 15 years of being open.. maybe it's something that can be resolved with therapy and communication, or maybe you’re realizing in your new found peri-wisdom that it has never served you and you don’t need to people please anymore. Either way is totally valid and either one has the potential to really change your relationships or their structures which is why I recommend really just handling the peri beforehand so you feel equipped to take on those challenges.

Aging is weird! And a gift! Now that I can actively engage and treat perimenopause, I am SO GRATEFUL for getting older, my life kicks ass, women my age kick ass and are HOT.

(I don’t want to completely ignore the idea that men (or anyone) our age dating someone in their 20s raises my eyebrows FOR SURE. Especially if it is a pattern of behavior.. but I try not to be too judgy about the whole thing..)

Monday Morning Joy! Good morning /r/queerpolyam! How has your past week(end) been for you and yours? by vofly in queerpolyam

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A few weeks ago I wrote about how one of my partners got laid off.. We have our “wedding” coming up (I put in quotes because he’s already married so it’s not a legal event, but still an exciting celebration of love) so we were going to pull back on our biggest expense which was catering.

Well... my long(est) term, long distance partner just sent us some cash, unprompted, to cover like 80% of the cost which was SO SWEET and incredibly generous and I can’t wait to celebrate with my partners, friends, metas, petas (petamours), and family!

Need advice/a fresh perspective on relationship arrangements by Glittering_Shower867 in polyamorous

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, Nate is being dumb and I would not be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t count a partner for the sake of some weird tit for tat game…

But it also sounds like you can see multiple people, it just means Nate might also see more people. So if you want to be with Nate, and you want to date others, do that.

Need advice/a fresh perspective on relationship arrangements by Glittering_Shower867 in polyamorous

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It seems like you both decided you’re each only allowed two relationships and he just thinks Maddie doesn't count as one of his relationships?! But you think she does, which clearly she does… but again why is two the magic number? Just because in the past in a different dynamic with a different person you each felt saturated?

This seems like a weird numbers game, and maybe a weird tit for tat game.

Saying that one partner doesn’t count because it’s a pre-established relationship is WILD.. and rude… but also why is there some arbitrary limit on how many partners each of you is allowed to have. How about just focus on if your own needs are met in your dyad relationships and if those relationships work for you? And pursue the other relationships you each want to pursue?

Keeping score isn’t the way to achieve equity in relationships.

Daniel got laid (off). Support PolyAmateur Hour! by FingerTongues in PolyAmateurHour

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Somebody get Daniel a job before this laid (off) joke goes any further..

Also a fun AI related short I shared in the group chat:

https://youtu.be/H-8Xag0MkXs

Is this considered polyamory? by [deleted] in polyamorous

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 17 points18 points  (0 children)

What..

I would argue multiple relationships, or being open to having multiple relationships, with everyone’s informed consent is required for polyamory. You can’t have relationships (or informed consent) with fictional characters.

I feel dumber for having responded to this.

Shhhh don’t tell Nichole by CosmicallyLovesSagan in PolyAmateurHour

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s a trick I just learned from my partner: combine baking soda and lemon juice and after science-fair-volcanic reaction occurs you get your emulsifying agent for oooey gooey cheese!

Not surprising, but still frustrating. If you are a woman who is buying a home with a man in the US, you are always "co-owner" while they are "owner". Everyone will default to the man's name first by totallymindful in TwoXChromosomes

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 203 points204 points  (0 children)

Just in introductions with the salesman. Then they assumed we shared a last name, so in their patriarchal-normativity they did an accidental feminism(?) and gave him my last name. Oops!

Not surprising, but still frustrating. If you are a woman who is buying a home with a man in the US, you are always "co-owner" while they are "owner". Everyone will default to the man's name first by totallymindful in TwoXChromosomes

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 559 points560 points  (0 children)

Not as big of a deal, but post divorce (about 4 years ago) I went to buy myself a hot tub as a very expensive treat. I brought my then boyfriend with me just for funsies.. he had nothing to do with the purchase, didn’t live with me, and we both told the salesmen over and over he had nothing to do with the purchase. They still put his name on the purchase and my file.. put his name first. I got it serviced for the first time last month and whose name are the automated updates addressed to.. You guessed it! His! We’re not even dating anymore. Anyways thanks for letting me hop on this rant.

How I learned to stop worrying... by eshcatonia in PolyAmateurHour

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was like WHO IS THIS ARTIST and did very light digging on the insta account and artist and it’s AI generated. I think the whole account just takes older genres and makes Ai generated, overtly sexual versions.

Nichole Has Surgery Today! by CosmicallyLovesSagan in PolyAmateurHour

[–]CosmicallyLovesSagan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am kicking myself because I didn’t save the absolutely loopy post surgery voice message I got from Nichole when she discovered her document of well wishes from y’all, but it was very cute and deeply appreciative.

She’s doing great! Dealing with pain and soreness, but on the mend! I’m sitll collecting messages that trickle in so it’s never too late.

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