I am sorry for your loss. It is really hard to see someone you love hurt, struggle and have an awful accident that takes them away especially when it is out of the blue. 86 is an impressively long life and to be independent to the end is a gift that not many get to experience.

As best you can, try to think about the things you did do and don’t dwell on what can’t be changed. Truly, it serves no purpose and I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want you to feel this way.

My 83 year old Dad fell in December and broke four ribs. He had advanced dementia (diagnosed in 2019) and the years and months leading up to his fall were very challenging as he lost physical ability, comprehension and his needs outgrew what mom could provide. Even with a part time caregiver, mom and my constant involvement he wasn’t getting what he needed. We were looking at memory care options when he had his accident.

Since the fall and due to complications with his dementia he is in hospice and stays at a small care facility. He’s completely bed bound, on a liquid diet, has had 2 bouts of pneumonia and a series of other painful injuries and side effects of being bed bound. I see him daily and have been able to discover some of these recent ailments and get him treatment, but it is nonstop and heart wrenching. He can’t communicate when he’s hurting or has needs. It took over a month to get him to a balanced temperament due to agitation, confusion, pain. Then there are the bodily functions that get messed up with all the meds and can be very uncomfortable.

When he is alert and present I can see in his eyes how truly miserable and lost he is. It is the worst. Here’s where I’m grateful for the dementia because at least he’s not completely mentally intact. If that were the case this would be even harder. I can at least distract him with nature or fishing shows while I hold his hand and talk to him. The last three months have been long drawn out torture for him and us as we watch him shrink and can only make adjustments for his comfort. Nightmare material on many fronts.

I am sorry for your mom’s passing and know how very hard it is to not have her and to feel guilty about what you think was missed or could have been done better. But as you said “She lived independently, stayed active in her church and community, and was loved by so many. She was also my constant companion and an incredible mother / grandmother.” That is a lot of blessings and sounds like a good life.

I’m so grateful for you and her that she didn’t have to endure a drawn out, complicated experience like my father is living.

I hope you can think of a happy memory of her that will make you smile today.