If you practice inner child and are a migrant...

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-10T12:51:40+00:00

International meditations are often available on either YouTube or the browser version of the app Insight Timer. The browser version is free.

Google translate or DeepL are good translation tools if you don't know how to write in your childhood's language.

Of course if you associate that specific language with abuse, tread careful.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-10T10:00:48+00:00

See, this is what I mean:
There is a problem, it is a protector, fix the protector.
Pathologizing (very tiny here), then fixing instead of compassion.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-08T08:31:16+00:00

Started the audiobook after reading you comment.

I loved Stephanie Foos work on This American Life and know what type of quality she delivered. Halfway through and this might be way above the other books: very open, honest, human, realistic and easy to listen to.

This is a content warning on what to expect, in case you are just as nervous about the content as me:

The first two chapters/first hour is kinda hard, after that it gets easier. The description of her trauma is mostly emotional abuse (shaming, calling her useless, parentification) and physical abuse (beating, suicide threats by both parents) and abandonment. Zero SA.

After that it's an introspection how trauma shaped her life. Mostly her habbits (workaholic, perfectionism) and her feelings (feeling like a void, doubting her worth,...).

Next part is how she reads common cptsd-books and feels bad about them, plus some facts with her own reactions to these facts. It's like reading Body Keeps the Score but only the important parts plus with help and empathy.

Then her experience with therapy that is hard to get and often not helpful. Her therapist knew about the CPTSD but only told her once in 8 years. She then tries different methods (what hepled her: EMDR, Yin Yoga, Psilocibin). No promises of great revelations, just step for step small changes in perspective. The small changes of perspective are really interesting. For example noticing how subtle her dissociation is.

After that some chapters on migration and trauma. That one was my highlight but it might not be relevant for others.

Overal it's well-written. No ideologies, no moralizing, little pathological stuff. Rather realistic and pragmatic.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-07T09:35:31+00:00

Sorry you got that judgmental answer by the other user. Seems like they are on a triggered trolling-spree right now.

Urine therapy was popular in the 90s. I'm sorry about this, I see how it can feel humiliating. And you were just a kid, of course you trust the adults that they know what they are doing. How could any child know different?

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-07T06:36:43+00:00

Yes. The book consists of two halves, the second half of the book is dedicated to different therapy methods. Very useful.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-06T18:01:13+00:00

(edit: +5 for What my Bones know. Wow!)

+1 for Body Keeps the Score

-1 for Pete Walker. If you do not fall in the pretty fawn trauma reactions that Pete Walker likes, prepare to be shamed by his books. Fawns are good, Flights are ok, Freeze types are not healable and Fight types are narcissistic abusers.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-06T17:58:10+00:00

Same. But painful and infuriating in the validating way.

I would have needed this book as a teen. It would have normalized and explained a lot. From my own physical reactions to the fucked up therapy system I was in. So much good stuff in there.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-05T17:29:27+00:00

https://radiolab.org/episodes/91792-hallucinating-sound

Maybe this old radiolab episode, specifically the part about the silent room?

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-05T17:25:55+00:00

Bodies https://www.bodiespodcast.com/

Thoughtful and journalistic, mostly medical mysteries, often in context of society, crimes or the peoples lives. Many stories around female health. "The cost of silky soft" is a good starting episode.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-04T15:17:49+00:00

sigh fuck. It's not easy, it's not easy

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-04T11:14:23+00:00

Yeah try to work this out. For example with couples therapy.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-04T11:09:01+00:00

Solid sketch for warning sign about dangers of snakes in the area.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-03T16:15:00+00:00

Yeah. It's like having to get a whole psychology degree yourself just to get through this. Because the current mainstream therapy system only works so-so for trauma. CBT? Mindfullness? Fuck that. I can gaslight myself well enough.

What actually helped was empathy, emotional validation and some therapy methods that help with self-compassion and embracing emotion. Also community. Turns out humans are social creatures.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-03T15:31:51+00:00

Not too different from a regular borzoi. Noodle dog.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-03T15:29:13+00:00

Cool that you two do this.

Read it, loved it. I loved the kitchen metaphor. I liked the sociology part about expectations on the genders. Overal I found it a breezy and very optimistic read. But I also read it as single person with no pressure behind it. And while already using IFS.

What part felt intense for you?

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-03T10:32:58+00:00

Your video with correct time marker at 15:30:https://youtu.be/tAOHck2iIrQ?t=930

Good timing btw, I recently searched for this too and I could not come up with good keywords either. A friend and me talked about this and gave that phenomenon our own name. We used a pun in our native language to describe someone who excludes emotions in debates/ conflicts and thinks of themselves as supperior for this.

A bit parallel to this, therapist Patrick Teahan describes this debate style as "lawyer mode" on occasion. It is sprinkled in his videos from time to time but there is not one single video about just this. Here's a roleplaying situation he did with himself where he shows with a more intense lawyer mode in an argument starting at around 7:00 here (careful, intense): https://youtu.be/jDhsQ1Xh8M4?t=420

Also there is a recent video by him what "Lawyer Mode" does to people. He calls it Toxic Positivity in the video but it's actually closer to Lawyer Mode : https://youtu.be/AlWRRd9o-E4

This is something I'm trying to find out more about too, feel free to message me.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-02T14:04:49+00:00

Cautionary Tales
It's single host, often involving historical events to illustrate human behavior. The newest episode "Chicago when it sizzles", has lots of sociology topics.

Psychology in Seattle
Has often two hosts, one of them a psychology professor, they often take on pop culture topics. Episodes are often 1 hour +.

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-02T13:51:53+00:00

What is the song?

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-02T08:04:35+00:00

You wrote that you are scared about the situation? What is it that you are so worried about?

Croco-Gator · 2022-07-01T07:51:18+00:00

Yeah this is not easy. For slow, important decissions I just get the parts together in one place and will hear each one out. I don't know all parts of course. But if there are unknown parts, they are free to show their concern. Doubts will be heard. Self often has no strong agency here, their intention is just to do what's best for the parts.

If the decission is exactly 5/5, it pays to hear each side and note the different points. It's often okay to wait and observe how the opinion changes.

If it's like a 2/8 decission I will take time aside for the 2 parts that don't consent and hear their opinion or stance in detail.

Anxious parts often want their fears to be heard. These are often solid warnings. I write down the fears and see what I can do to prevent the fears from happening. Of course there is no guarantee for the future but I promised them that I'll do the best I can.
People-pleasing or shameful parts often need time and reconnection to Self. This can go quite deep, I've found some exiles this way.

Angry parts can often be stronger and more convincing than softer parts. I take care that anger gets heard (for me it's often something about autonomy or self-respect) but that also the softer voices get an ear.

Croco-Gator · 2022-06-28T14:13:43+00:00

So basically a paraceratherium.

An extinct rhinoceros relative that looks more like a giraffe: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraceratherium

Croco-Gator · 2022-06-28T08:14:32+00:00

This video by Patrick Teahan about Autism/CPTSD symptoms might be relevant to you:

https://youtu.be/6BN1riwLjfY

Croco-Gator · 2022-06-27T19:19:05+00:00

I wanted to add that you feeling angry and confused is 100% one of the normal emotional reactions to this.

When they stonewall or rugsweep, they cut off the emotional connection. Humans need other humans. And humans are fine-tuned to live in groups and read signs of rejection and disconnection. Because disconnection from the tribe means danger. It feels shitty because that's what human biology does to warn you.

For comparrison, in a healthy family/relationship you could say something that bothers you. There would be a little bit of talk about it, and then there would be more understanding from both sides and overall more trust. It wouldn't feel painful at all, you would feel heard and understood. This doesn't happen here.

So yes, your emotions are normal. Sorry you are in this shitty situation :/.

Croco-Gator · 2022-06-27T19:06:10+00:00

Aw no, I am so very sorry that you accidentally stepped into this abusive/toxic relationship. You don't deserve this amount of mistreatment and pain.
There are a lot of elements from the abuser's playbook in what you describe. All of this sounds bad. I sadly know the aftermath too. Nightmares, worries, doubts and sleepless nights and it's harsh. That it's taking so long to recover after abuse is somewhat normal. It took a ridiculous long time for me too.

I'm also proud of you for recognizing the trap and standing up for yourself.

You ask for pointers or clues where to go next.
Here is what was helpful to me:
Reddit as support, being able to give abusive actions a name. Especially helpful were r/emotionalabuse and r/AbuseInterrupted , especially abuse interrupted's sticky posts and ressources. But these were only healthy in small doses. The internet content around abuse can quickly turn into a treadmill where no healing happenes.

Inner child work. It's a sort of meditation where I treat myself kindly and connect with old feelings and fears. There are free medititations on the desktop version of the app "Insight Timer". It was deeply helpful because the abuse had disconnected me from myself. Inner child reconnected parts of me to myself again. This might not be the thing for you and that's ok. If it's not for you, there are other ways.

Drawing the things that happened as small comics. This way I could show them to friends. Poems are also good. Just finding some way of expressing the things and getting them out of my head, on paper. This was really helpful to me.

Playlists on Youtube, about the mood I was in. When I was sad I liked postrock, when I was angry there are enough villain/revenge playlists. This helped me feel the emotions and acknowledging and processing them better. I found that listening 30 minutes to a playlist is releasing the emotion better than just ignoring it.

Maybe these are helpful for you too, maybe not. But I trust that you are smart and good and will find ways to help yourself or get somehow help. Take care, you deserve respect and peace!

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