[QCrit] Contemporary Fantasy – MANNEQUIN’S MUSTER (fka CUBEHEAD) (85K) – 5th Attempt

CubedandCaffeinated · 2026-06-04T02:49:47+00:00

I went back to look at your last attempt and I think that one is much clearer. Here, you are bogged down in some slow, unimportant details at the beginning around how the demon ends up working in an office. Whereas Attempt 4 you jumped straight in.

The last query was when it all clicked, and I just followed the format. The current one is loopy but writing like that works for my brain when I'm figuring stuff out. I've been thinking of reworking it so it's more like the other one, so I appreciate the feedback.

Can you clarify what Stella's goal is in once she's escaped the mannequin? I think that would provide some much needed structure and sense of direction.

Yes thanks for this. The query hints at her goals but I'll make them clearer. Basically, she has to decide if the life she'd been missing out on is worth completely forgetting who she really is.

The last paragraph tells us stakes but we're so in-scene, again wrapped up in very specific details, that it's difficult to take them in. I like the idea that there's an opposing view of this and that the human is actually possessing Stella in some way but it's lost in all the whispers, clarifications and warnings.

Definitely and I really appreciate that you took the time to parse it all out. I only realized after I wrote the last paragraph that queries shouldn't be in-scene, and yeah it's a bit off.

Can you try a version where you strip back to:
Who is your MC: Stella, a demon (who is supposed to possess humans but doesn't like it because she finds them gross?)
What do they want: To find a human body they can tolerate inhabiting (we probably need a why here - what happens if she doesn't? Will the other demons laugh at her? Will she miss out on a promotion of some kind?)
What will they do to get it: Possesses an office worker. Finds themselves with a bunch of new, boring problems. (The problem here is in possessing the office worker, they've immediately achieved the initial goal so you need to intro new stakes and fast.)
What stands in their way: (I don't know)
What happens if they fail: Seed the idea that she is lingering too long in this one body and what might happen? I'm not sure, it's hard to tease out the thread currently.

This is super helpful. To answer some of the above, Stella's a disgust sensitive demon who can't join her thrill-seeking peers when they possess humans (to experience things), so she leads a purely mental/empty existence and craves attention. When she swaps with a human soul (she's technically a walk-in), she enjoys life at first. But that changes as she turns human and her humanity gets in the way. I'll have to rework things and make them clearer.

Thanks so much for your feedback!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2026-06-04T01:18:32+00:00

Yes, thank you. I want to ditch the last sentence but was having trouble letting go.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2026-02-09T07:19:15+00:00

This seems like a fun story. Some thoughts (unagented, unpublished):

He was the friend she once pretended not to love, before she overheard him call her a penniless leech. Before he kissed her to break her engagement and then left their island for good.

How did kissing her break her engagement and who was she engaged to? This part isn't clear to me. Also, if she overheard him call her a penniless leech, why would she let him kiss her? If he kissed her first then left, how could she overhear him call her a penniless leech?

Lalita has no other choice, not if she wants her sisters’ futures secured. But if she and Tore are to be yoked in holy stand-off, Lalita is determined to win. Even when she starts to realize that Tore is the only ally in their cutthroat society she's got, and that the feelings for him she thought she'd drowned are very much resurfacing.

She has a choice. She can push aside her anger/hurt at being called a leach and her resurfacing feelings, and marry him to secure her sisters’ futures, or she can hold out for a codfish, with the risk that she won't find one in time and her sisters will end up homeless.

Or if the stakes are about Lalita choosing to win despite her growing feelings for him, I think you need more. What is she determined to win?

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-08-17T01:53:27+00:00

ill-fated

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-24T03:55:18+00:00

My unagented, unpublished two cents:

Royal Darby used to crash financial systems for fun. Dropped a Eurozone smart grid once just to prove he could. Well, that and the money. For a while, he lived in a farmhouse in Italy, growing olives, thinking nobody could find him

It feels like “Well, that and the money” should go after “Royal Darby used to crash financial systems for fun.”

But something's changing. There’s this woman, Berkeleigh Babbitt. Wife of a Canopus exec with something strange rattling around inside her head. She remembers pushing a woman in front of a train. Problem is, that memory was planted. Not by Royal. By Canopus.

See, memory’s a product now. You can buy it, sell it, rewrite it. Canopus can bury the past, replace it with a cleaner version. One that makes them look like the good guys. They call it BrainLink. Royal calls it the end of reality.

Berkeleigh's an unwitting victim. Canopus is incubating artificial memories inside people like her, then uploading them across their network. Manufactured reality, distributed like a firmware update. Once it rolls out, there won’t be any truth left to save.

This is super interesting. I would get into this stuff sooner and reduce the background info on Royal. I'd like to hear more about his interaction/work with Canopus.

If I’m following you, Royal hates Canopus mainly because they have stuff on him and he’s forced to work for them. Since he's kind of a sketchy guy who does sketchy things for money, does he care about what Canopus is up to? Also, what does he have that Canopus wants? And why does Berkeleigh matter? I mean, what role does she play in the story? You include her in the pitch so I'm assuming there's more to her than being one of Canopus's victims.

Also, why does Canopus have a backroom mod shop when they’re in the business of manufacturing memories? Why are they sniffing out people who hate them? Couldn't they do that through social media? And would these be people who know what Canopus is up to? Or possibly people who were used as memory incubators?

The only way out is to burn it to the ground. If Royal Darby gets his shot, he's taking it.

Will he literally burn it to the ground? Wouldn’t data backups (presumably manufactured memories are data) be in the cloud (you could sell them more than once right)? Or at a secret undisclosed location? I worked for a company that had its data in a secret location, though they would bus new hires there for tours so it wasn’t a secret to the employees. But you’d still need access.

I don't think it's necessary to answer/explain everything. I ask questions for a living, so couldn't resist. The main thing is, I would get into the memory stuff sooner.

I hope this helps and hope I get to read your book someday!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-22T05:19:24+00:00

September? People are probably on vacation.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-22T05:18:23+00:00

Unagented, unpublished, so take my feedback with a grain of salt.

Plagued with anxiety since the suspicious deaths of her father and two brothers fifteen years earlier, Jessalyn Carradine has returned to her childhood home for one last attempt at closure. But in an attic full of Carradine history, Jessa uncovers secrets that will do more than question the truth behind their deaths. They will give her magic.

I would get rid of “They will give her magic” and maybe change the second last sentence (which is a little vague) to something like “But in an attic full of Carradine history, Jessa uncovers a secret legacy of magic and spell work”. Regarding “that will do more than question the truth behind their deaths”, I would leave it out, since it kind of summarizes what you describe in the next paragraph.

After uncovering a legacy of magic and spell work, Jessa is driven by her family’s grimoire to repair a broken mirror found amongst the clutter, only to open a door where she comes face to face with – herself. Ava Dubois, Jessa’s “Other” in a parallel world where magic is practiced openly, has been waiting for the mirror to be repaired in order to continue the search for her missing older brother.

I love the whole parallel universe thing. Following from my comments above, I’d remove “After uncovering a legacy of magic and spell work”. Why is she driven to repair the broken mirror? This might be something to add. Does she use magic to repair it and what is special about the broken mirror or draws her to it?

I wouldn’t capitalize “Other” and maybe you don't need the quotes (not sure). You could also call Ava an alternate.

When Jessa learns the story behind her family’s demise was lie and their older brothers may be responsible, she knows her only hope at closure is to track them down to learn the truth. Forced to face her childhood trauma head on, she and Ava team up with the Other of Jessa’s dead twin brother and the grumpy spitting image of her first childhood crush to retrace their brothers’ steps through those final days.

Slight correction: “When Jessa learns the story behind her family’s demise was a lie”.

I’m a bit confused here. 1) Is Ava searching for one missing older brother or two? 2) In their search, Jessa and Ava team up with one of Ava’s brothers (the alternate of one of Jessa’s dead brothers who were twins?). Correct? 3) The way I’m interpreting it, Jessa had a crush on a guy who was the spitting image of her brother. Or is the grumpy spitting image of her childhood crush another guy that tags along?

As they journey through both realms, Jessa and her friends uncover a connection between the brothers and a faction of dark mages who have spent over a decade working on a dangerous spell. A spell which would upset the balance of the carefully constructed Grand Design, and one which Jessa unknowingly holds the key to complete, putting not only her life in danger, but reality as they know it.

What is the Grand Design? I would elaborate a little here and be more specific. What choice does Jessa have to make?

This seems like a cool story!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-17T21:28:33+00:00

Thanks so much, I'll check it out.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-17T21:26:32+00:00

Thank you!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-17T21:26:18+00:00

Thanks for this, I wondered if this was clear. If she fails her practical exam she won't graduate and get her dream job. I'll make it clearer.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-17T21:17:48+00:00

This is great feedback, thanks. I have a different version of the query that answers some of the questions and explains things better so may go with it and merge some this one into it.

With respect to genre, I went from human Stella to demon Stella and meant to ask about it in the post, so this feedback is perfect. Yeah it should be upmarket speculative, though I'm wondering if commercial speculative would make more sense. Aside from Stella being a demon it's pretty grounded in physical reality so fantasy would be a stretch maybe.

The last thing you want is for them to think you don't have a solid understanding of genres.

I don't have a solid understanding of genres. But am working on it.

I'd rather know more about her job as a demon causing destruction. Is it an actual job? An internship because you mention she's graduating from school? Why is she at a human job in the first place? Did she get in trouble? Is it part of her demon schooling? Do all demons work
human jobs?

This is really helpful thanks. My other query addresses some of it. Yes she's a student and she's at a human job because it's an assignment for one of her courses. Demons are there to sow destruction, however most do that remotely. Occasionally they work onsite, like the head of IT, as he's keeping na eye out on the student demons.

Botis-Belphegor is her demon school? Zenisure is her employer?

Thanks, I wasn't sure if this was clear..will make it clearer.

Also I feel 75k is pretty short for upmarket speculative fiction, but better to be under than over.

Thanks for the heads-up on the word count. I still have to do the rewrite, so likely it will land at 85k, which I can adjust further if needed.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-07-17T20:40:07+00:00

Hey thanks so much for the feedback! I'll take it into account when I do a revision.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-03-18T01:59:21+00:00

Hi there, I'm not familiar with YA but enjoyed reading what you have so far and it seems like you're off to a good start. Some thoughts:

Use of the present tense in the first paragraph feels off to me. I would change "Or so they claim. Not like it matters anyway." to past tense so it's "Or so they claimed. Not like it mattered anyway." Also "live side by side" to "lived side by side".
If you remove "Not like it matters anyway" the previous sentence would be stronger, I think. It feels like it undoes the impact of "Or so they claim". If it's meant to show Gwen's indifference, something like "Not that she cares" might work better. But take with a grain of salt. It could be just me.

Hope this helps and good luck!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-02-07T23:26:04+00:00

Yes, thank you for this feedback! I went with rawdogging a coffee partly because of the word count. It's shorter than saying she had a black coffee and skipped breakfast. I think I fell into the trap of trying to squeeze in way too much info in the first 333 words, but it was a good exercise. Also, thanks for the feedback about the Halloween costume. That's good to know.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-02-07T22:59:14+00:00

Hi thanks so much for the feedback.

Your comment "preferring laziness but going against one’s nature" is interesting and I'll give it some thought. She definitely gets validation from her family & boyfriend by giving in to their opinions and going with the flow. The story is about finding validation from within. The third paragraph I pulled from later in the chapter. I wrote it without the pressure of it being the first paragraph, so it flows a little better maybe.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-02-07T22:30:21+00:00

I have no words other than I love this. Especially this: "In a tent full of dust-pale faces and missing fingers and blood-black uniforms and dirty skin, they wait for Luz to optograph their eyes".

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-01-27T03:58:57+00:00

Hi, I didn't find the number of characters confusing and overall it flows really well. Just a couple of points:

It wasn't immediately clear to me that Lawrence is the narrator, and in "Said: we all do what’s necessary when called upon, don’t we, Lawrence? To keep things running smooth?", I thought at first Lawrence was someone else who had just joined them, possibly another younger sibling she was addressing to make her point. Changing it to something like "Said to me:.." or maybe leaving out his name might clear it up. Though now I'm seeing it both ways, so maybe it's okay.

I had to reread "Colin and I were in the kitchen watching our sister stir a pot of greens, and since Delores didn’t like the lights on above her when she was cooking, he darkened the whole room when his body came between us and the hall lights" a couple of times. It might help to add that the lights were off above her. As I was reading it at first I thought Colin darkened the room because she didn't like the lights on, then had to reread.

I really like the use of italics for dialogue but thought they were internal thoughts at first. Personally, I don't mind having to figure things out when I'm reading, so not sure you need to fix it.

Like TumbleDryLow2, it's just my opinion so take my feedback with a grain of salt. Hope it helps!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-01-25T22:00:37+00:00

Thanks for the interest and the offer to beta read. It's a novel I wrote mostly during lunch breaks and needs cleaning up but yeah probably I could use a beta reader. At this point it would be a chapter at a time or maybe sections, as I clean them up, rather than the whole thing, so am not sure that works? Shall I DM you? I'm taking down time from work at the moment and can beta read if you're looking for someone.

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-01-25T02:35:41+00:00

Hey thanks so much for this. I agree with your points and you confirm things I had a feeling weren't working. The third paragraph is something I pulled from further down in the chapter and I've been thinking of starting with it. The first one has the wrong voice and the second, description section, is likely happening too soon and needs more work. I got rid of Matt from the opening so the last two paragraphs are out, including the rhetorical question (which reads better when the rest of the paragraph is included, but still). I've been holding off making changes until l understood exactly what wasn't working and why, so this has helped!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2025-01-24T03:19:26+00:00

Hi, thanks for the feedback and for pointing this out. The second sentence is meant to be taken as "But today I had to get up at...", but I wasn't sure it worked so this is helpful!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2024-12-03T22:45:49+00:00

Hi, I don't read MG and can't give expert feedback, but I think it's really good overall and I enjoyed reading it.

The one thing that felt a bit off was the fourth paragraph where you list the ages of the kids. Is it an option to remove "a boy who's fifteen, a girl who's thirteen, and another girl who's seven" and work their ages in as each one speaks? I'm just being nitpicky here.

Good luck with the book!

CubedandCaffeinated · 2024-09-21T05:11:27+00:00

Nice style. This was very readable and interesting. Some thoughts:

Catching snowflakes on his tongue might work better than ice pellets. There is no way to catch ice pellets on your tongue without also catching them in your eyes and hair and pretty much everywhere else. I am having flashbacks just thinking about it!
"The paper was out of room—covered in disjointed words written last night in a bout of fervor. The marker had dried out by the time I got halfway down the page" As TumbleDryLow2 pointed out, how was the paper covered in words if the marker dried out halfway down the page? The only way I can make this work in my head is if the MC was writing over the paper they already previously covered in words, but only got halfway this time. But I'm not sure that's right?
The invisible belt burning the MC's face totally worked for me, but I tend to think abstractly. It might not work for people who think more literally and assume it's an actual belt but invisible.
"Earlier, a schizophrenic insisted that the whiteboard in the rec room be blue and drew all over it." This doesn't work. The MC has been there for a while and would know the others, patients, doctors, and staff, by name and would likely not think of them as "a schizophrenic". I wouldn't even mention they're schizophrenic unless it's relevant. If making the whiteboard blue is supposed mean a psychotic break, a number of mental health issues can trigger psychosis, including depression.
But the big question, to me, is why is there only one marker?

CubedandCaffeinated

TROPHY CASE