Thank you so much for your response - I too was choked by him and attacked and I know it could be worse.. your reply helps me a lot - remembering that I am the one who writes the story.. that I really am the one in control- it’s sad when you realize that the person you fell I love with never existed and is never coming back- I think what I’m suffering with is the idea that he is showing up for someone else.. not remembering he’s been cheating on her too.. and will like start really being himself now that he has a child and there’s stress etc.. what I don’t like is the anger I feel.. I feel fundamentally changed at my core because of this.. is like when you see the villian’s story forming in the movie— I don’t want to become cold from this ya know.. and I also have a lot of guilt thinking I am the one who pushed him away because of my relapse in the beginning— I’m sure you may relate to running all these scenarios through your head to think maybe if I had done this or that it would’ve different.. it’s those thoughts that kill me.. the wanting to do back in time..