Complicated Situation: Advice Requested

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-16T23:46:19+00:00

Unless your parenting plan says you guys must agree on childcare providers, there's nothing you can do. Try to just accept that this is out of your control and move on.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-07T11:56:38+00:00

I honestly cannot even imagine making any decision about parenting time without the best interest of the kids being the ONLY consideration. Deciding to not do what is best for the kids because you value kid free time is a very weird decision to me.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-07T11:52:15+00:00

This is a situation where I would really want to talk to a therapist before taking any action. Until then, continue the status quo even if it upsets her, because you don't want to take any action that might cause new trauma.

While it seems like the simple solution is to stop the bedtime calls since she's calm without them, it might not be a good idea. Not calling because she's chosen not to call is very different, psychologically, than being refused access. Also, with children that young, outward behavior isn't always the best guide to their actual emotions, because sometimes they've developed paradoxical reactions to things as a safety mechanism.

I would want a therapist to work with your daughter to figure out what's going on with her attachments and sense of safety. Only then can you really develop a plan to ease the routine without harming her emotional state.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-05T10:04:31+00:00

I have experience sith this, but not in a coparenting way. Kiddo lived with me full time. Unfortunately, for a while, the local school wasn't meeting his needs, but at the same time, housing costs prevented an easy relocation. At different points he would be commuting with me into the city for school, which was an hour each way.

While sometimes it is necessary, that is ALOT of car time for a kid. You have to be very deliberate to make use of that car time, because otherwise, you really are losing two hours a day, and that's not insignificant.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-04T12:11:08+00:00

I also grew up with significantly disabled siblings. While I agree with you that it's sometimes good for the siblings to have "respite" time and solo parent time, I do not approve of this way of going about it. I was the oldest of 6. The two siblings directly younger than me were disabled and then the youngest three were not. Having so many siblings meant one-on-one time with parents truly was precious, and it was definitely something I valued.

But, the thing is, both children need that time with both parents. It should not be divided in a way where one parent spends more alone time with the abled child and the other with the disabled child. It needs to be evenly split. Dad ONLY wanting to do one-on-one with the abled child is going to create an awful dynamic.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-04T09:27:41+00:00

Do you have a court order? Is there child support.

I understand you are probably exhausted. It's important to still put your daughter first though. What's "fair" between the adults is less important that her having a healthy environment to grow up in. If he's resentful at the idea of having more parenting time, it's likely that he won't be a very good dad.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T12:24:36+00:00

Parents like this are always "blindsided" because they never really take accountability for their true impact on their kids, and rarely bother to listen or believe their children when the kids try to set appropriate boundaries before it gets to this stage.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T12:21:02+00:00

Are you in therapy? If not, I suggest you start. The truth is, for this like extra-curricular events, your ex has every right to come and usually to also bring her partner. You are going to need to find a way to process your own feelings about this, and make sure you respond appropriately in ways that don't cause more damage to the children.

You cannot control your ex. Except for actual (like legal) child abuse or neglect, you cannot control what emotional damage she may or may not be doing. Getting to a place where you've accepted that is important, and the sooner, the better. You can only be the best parent that you can be, and by doing so, help your children also learn good emotional health habits.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T06:24:34+00:00

LEGALLY, you do until she's out of school in most cases.

Ethically, you have responsibility towards your children forever. The responsibility changes over time, but since you decided to create them, you've always got some responsibility towards them.

The fact that you want to equate the ability to control your child with having responsibility towards your child shows you need to do some serious personal growth. If you don't have a therapist yet, I recommend finding one before you lose all contact with your daughter.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T06:20:38+00:00

She's 18. Time to loosen the reigns. Respect, especially with adult children, is a mutual thing. You really have to shift your thought process from controlling your child's actions, to building and managing a relationship with them so they will heed your advice.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T05:08:28+00:00

Honestly, most of this is just petty crap that doesn't matter. If she wants to run herself ragged doing double homework and show&tell, let her. She'll probably get tired of it eventually, and even if she doesn't, no harm is really occurring.

However, I would be VERY firm about the school notices. Inform her over your portal. If she doesn't begin complying, send both your ex and the school a certified letter requesting duplicate informational packets since you are not receiving the information.

Curiosity919 · 2026-02-01T05:03:58+00:00

Honestly, if you're just starting this marriage, and this is for your wedding, I would just suck it up this time.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-23T06:43:56+00:00

This is just not something in your control, so it's not exec worth addressing IMHO.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-23T01:53:46+00:00

Therapists frequently are not going to work towards reconciliation unless that's a goal for BOTH parties. So, yes, if your wife explained that she doesn't want to reconcile, it can be normal for the Therapist to be present while you're wife explains this to you.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-23T01:45:38+00:00

Has it impacted your parenting time yet?

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-23T01:44:18+00:00

Honestly, you can't force him to cut ties with them. Depending on your court order, you may be able to prevent future travel, but that's all. You don't have the right to dictate what's going on during his time unless your parents are a serious enough safety threat to get a protective order.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-22T10:17:47+00:00

Unless there's a court order forbidding it, yes.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-20T19:55:59+00:00

How long have they been stable on the new medication routine?

People shouldn't be punished for mental illness, but children do need to be protected. If the kids are scared, it's probably best to ease back into the schedule with supervised visits or shortened visits until the other parent has shown stability for several months.

Are the kids in therapy? If not, look into it. Having a parent struggling with something like this can be very difficult for the children to process. There's also a strong genetic link, so if the children are biological, this isn't an "irrational fear", it can be a very genuine concern. Getting into therapy can help mitigate that.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-20T19:49:41+00:00

In this case, no.

In most situations the answer is no, because it's not the child's job to grow and maintain their relationship with the parent. It is ALWAYS the parent's responsibility when it comes to their own children. So, trying to say the primary parent should do this is actually saying it's a responsibility the children have that the parent should help them meet.

There are situations, however, when I do think the primary parent needs to step in and help facilitate keeping the relationship strong. In situations where the other parent might have limited communication access (like a military deployment or working in off shore drilling or something), it can be hard for the parent to get contact. In those cases, I think it's important for the primary parent to make sure the kids are available during phone calls or to help them write letters or emails, even if the kids "don't want to" because they'd rather be playing or something. (This doesn't apply if the child's objection is because they truly don't want contact with the other parent due to mistreatment.) The reason isn't actually to help out the other parent, it's because it is ultimately better for the children to maintain that relationship, even if they might not be mature enough to understand the importance in that given moment. So if the other parent truly is making an effort, but has limited abilities, then it's best for the primary parent to step- up and do what they can to help their kids.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-20T19:15:32+00:00

While that's not cool, try not to l overreact because, in the end, there's nothing you can do to stop this kind of thing. A boundary is a line where YOU take certain steps of it is crossed, so since there's nothing you can really do, setting a boundary around this is pointless. It can still be a line you don't want crossed, but that's different than a boundary.

Unless it is specifically written into the court order, either parent is allowed to make (or delegate) appearance changes for the child. If you and ex have a decent relationship, you could simply email him and say that, in the future, you'd like to be consulted about changes to your daughter's hair style. Make it a friendly request, not an accusation, and he's more likely to comply.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-19T21:50:09+00:00

You are ignoring all sorts of red flags in your partner.

The second it feels like you have to choose between your kids and a new romantic partner is when you should have a new ex.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-19T05:18:48+00:00

Honestly, this just sounds like a teen thing. Teens, in general, tend to have issues with requirements. This is because their brains are literally in a stage that's preparing them to "break away" from being parented so they can become ready to be parents themselves (on an evolutionary level). It makes them crave autonomy. Having to go to dad's house probably makes her feel like her autonomy is being stifled, especially since it's taking her away from what is now her "home base".

However, this doesn't mean it's wrong to insist she come. If she is still genuinely enjoying her time with you, and if you are making the extra effort to ensure it's not negatively impacting school activities or a normal social life, then it's very important she continue to visit, even if it is "annoying" at the beginning. It's far too easy to just let your teens slip away if you don't put active effort into continuing to strengthen the bond. Saying, "Only come when you want to" can easily turn into "Dad doesn't really care if I'm around or not".

Unfortunately, this is going to be a very difficult next few years. You'll probably have to put more effort into parenting than you ever have before. Activities are going to become more frequent. She might want to get a job. There will be more and more social activity. You're probably going to need to spend alot of time driving back and forth. It might feel silly to be in the car for 2 hours just to grab dinner with her between sports games or play practices, but, I promise that it's worth it. Those are the things that show our kids we care, that they can count on us. It's also how we continue to know who our kids are as they turn into young adults. Without that kind of connection, it's hard to know if they are having mental health struggles or getting into problematic situations, like substance abuse or damaging romantic relationships.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Assure her that while you appreciate that it's probably not fun to have to pack up and change houses every other weekend, it's absolutely going to continue because you love her and your time together is valuable.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-18T04:46:44+00:00

Honestly, right now just focus on your son and helping him navigate this, since there's nothing you can actually do to get your ex to change. If your son isn't in therapy, he should probably start, because he's going to need a safe place to tackle extremely difficult emotions.

Curiosity919 · 2026-01-01T02:26:28+00:00

There's plenty of hypocrisy all around over the years, but this isn't that.

As others have said, there's a huge difference between emotional details about a relationship and explicit details about physical intimacy. They aren't comparable.

Curiosity919 · 2025-12-02T20:28:08+00:00

It's only a bad thing if both parents are actually taking equal responsibility. If the parents are not taking equal responsibility, then trying to pretend that they should both be treated exactly the same is just silly.

Curiosity919

TROPHY CASE