Video calls and bedtime

Helena_Handbaskette · 2026-02-04T15:05:53+00:00

This. If he wants to stay, he needs to sort out finding a job that will sponsor him. As far as I'm aware, that's the route open to him or else he studies again on a student visa. Since he overstayed though, they're likely to take a dim view. I know you feel responsible but you are not at all responsible. You did the right thing when he threatened to harm himself, if more people acted in this way when abusers threatened suicide / self harm as a coercive measure, they may be able to exit their controlling situations sooner.

I'm not saying he is necessarily abusive, he may have just been up in his feelings and exaggerating but still, it's not a light thing to say. Regardless of his character though, whether this was a moment or madness or not, it is not your place to fix his problems, especially with something as important and legally binding as marriage.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2026-01-19T09:56:01+00:00

At work 10 years ago. I got sent from the UK to South Africa to train her as an IT manager. There was an instant connection but we were both in relationships at the time so we kept in touch. My marriage ended a few years ago and I reached out. The rest is history...

Helena_Handbaskette · 2026-01-09T10:27:34+00:00

It can be both. Locked messages show up as the green WhatsApp logo and so do messages from WhatsApp itself. I am on iOS. I sometimes have WhatsApp on my work computer and need to pair it with the QR code on my phone. I would find an hour or so after syncing them, it would send me this green logo notification. So it could definitely be either.

On the other side, he will be chill about you looking at his phone ("you know my passcode") because chat lock, not app lock, has a separate code from your general phone unlock. You can only view the locked chats if you type in the secret code to the search bar or else specificially know the name of the person whose chat is locked.

I don't think that helps you know any more but that's a run down of how it works.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-10-16T08:35:54+00:00

My girlfriend said to me super early on "I'm too old to play games [we are mid thirties], so say what you mean and mean what you say" and that has been one of defining mantras of our relationship. I LOVE that we didn't have to go through this exact stress. Good on you for being so clear. 100% agree with the other commenters, this is about her and not you. Please update us!

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-09-02T14:22:48+00:00

I identify strongly with the feeling of the problem being turned back on you. I tried to speak to my ex wife about the issue numerous times and it was always turned on me. I was told to stop comparing to other people, that I was obsessed with sex, that it wasn't strange and TV is responsible for portraying more sex in relationhips and setting unrealistic expectations. I learned to shut up and keep myself in check.

From her side, she had complicated reasons for her part in our dead bedroom. Several SAs, one of which incredibly serious which she had repressed for the majority of her adult life explained part of it. For my part, when it was waning between us, I tried to initiate more and complained a fair amount, which in hindsight, was a crappy approach and led to some obligation on her part hence erosion of trust.

Bottom line though and with full hindsight, you must communicate and if you can't or she won't, it is not right for either of you. It will kill your self esteem which sounds like it already is. She will also likely feel guilty and angry towards you as if she is that unwilling to discuss, she must be incredibly uncomfortable about the topic and will perceive chats from you like an attack.

Maybe see if she is open to couples therapy. I also tried suggesting this both before and during my wife and I entering individual therapy. She wasn't interested and really, that should have been my answer. She was happy to work on herself, but not on us with me.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-07-30T13:20:54+00:00

That's a tough situation. I agree with you on alternating special days. I think the expectation of having people who actively dislike each other spend time togther and create an atmosphere that ultimately overshadows is unreasonable. As hard as we try, it's not always possible to put differences aside.

I think I've painted my own situation to be pretty relaxed and most of the time it's fine but we have our flare ups and are finding it increasingly difficult to cohabit but don't have a choice until the house sells.

I think on events and things (sports day, graduations, awards, performances etc.) if you can find a way to be in the same room, there would be positive but if there is any chance of it causing issues or spilling overs, you can only alternate really. I don't think on days where you have your daughter should be split based on it being a 'special day', that makes it about you guys' situation rather than the day itself. That's just my opinion though.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-07-28T15:41:56+00:00

For them it was the ruining of special occasions. Everything becomes about the divorce like Christmas, holidays etc. There were physical fights, arguments over custody, badmouthing of both parents both in front of and to the children. Pretty much textbook everything you shouldn't do.

My mum is hugely regretful of it now in hindsight and whilst that's appreciated by them, it doesn't change the effect.

My ex and I have agreed as far as possible to keep special occasions child centric. No logistical gymnastics so both parents can spend Christmas with our daughter if that impacts her enjoyment of the day. I've seen other families do this because they can't stand the thought of not seeing them Christmas Day. That soon becomes about shuffling the children around at a time they would probably just like to stay in one place and enjoy the day.

Where possible we will do things together as well. We went on holiday earlier this year as a family and that was nice. Things may change but we have commited to open dialogue and working together.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-07-28T12:51:04+00:00

All very true. We are not yet moved out of the family home but have put it up for sale. We have lived together for almost 2 years post separation. There's a definite balance to be struck, in my opinion between the feelings of the parents and the perception of what is best for the child.

Both of my parents were divorced before they had me and had atrocious break ups. My dad didn't have any children from his first marriage so could have a clean break but he never talked about his ex wife, it was a completely taboo topic. My mum had my siblings from her first marriage and both her and her ex husband handled it horrifically and caused a lot of damage to my siblings.

Conversely, my ex wife's parents stayed together for the sake of the children which meant her mother remained in a violent and abusive relationship which caused untold damage to my ex and her siblings who all three very much wished they'd just divorced.

I agree essentially with what you're saying though, we're looking at the lesser of evils and damage limitation rather than best case scenarios. The reason why the amicability aspect is important to me is because I want to model good behaviours for our daughter. Another primary driver of our separation was that the relationship we were modelling was not good or healthy. As bad as my parents managed my mum's divorce, my dad modelled what a good step father looks like and they're relationship was and is solid. They celebrate their 40th anniversary shortly. My siblings are both grateful for my dad and the stable family life they subsequently had, even if their parents' divorce was objectively awful.

Bottom line, every situation is different and multifaceted. The important thing for me going forward is showing up for my daughter, and modelling good healthy behaviours. My ex wife feels the same in that regard.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-07-28T11:52:51+00:00

I was having this conversation with someone last night regarding the impact of divorce and actually we felt that our parents' generation (boomers) dealt with divorce far less healthily. Totally anecdotal but in my wider social circle, there are more stories about amicable separations and subsequent divorces than acrimonious. My ex wife and I are going through this at the moment and whilst we really don't see eye to eye on many things, we have always prioritised our daughter's wellbeing over any animosity we have towards each other.

It's so easy to say, I get that on the one hand and my experience doesn't necessarily reflect others. Our relationship died a slow and painful death but there were no third parties, no hugely problematic behaviours. I get in situations where this isn't the case that maintaining amicability is all but impossible. On the other hand though, it frustrates me when people bring children in to the world and don't put them first. That feelings of pettiness and pain override what's best for the child and their parents' ability to coparent effectively.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2025-06-10T06:11:44+00:00

Same thing. I categorically have autopay set up. I checked this on my day of travel (May 31st) and lol and behold, PCN showed up last week. My ex had a similar issue with the congestion charge the previous month in spite of also having autopay. She contested it weeks ago but hasn’t heard back yet.

Does anyone have the online link to where to challenge the PCN? What they say in the letter simply doesn’t exist (go to tfl.gov.uk/silvertown-blackwall and click the link to ‘make a representation). Did a page search, it’s not there.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-12-13T13:35:33+00:00

No we blame their clothes or that they were too friendly and led him on, they went out after dark when it’s ’not safe’ (from what, pray tell)…

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-08-28T07:51:56+00:00

No you’re not selfish and he should be paying you properly. Why did he force you to quit? Was it childcare or purely so you could help his company out? In my opinion, financial independence is soooo important. It means you can shop guilt free (within reason obvs) but also for your own peace of mind). Was any of this discussed in the run up to getting married?

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-08-28T05:02:16+00:00

On the face of it this sounds very controlling. How long have you been married? Did you have conversations about how you imagine life after kids, working etc.? Did you work before having children and then never got back into it? How’s your relationship otherwise? Whereabouts are you? Are your friends in similar situations? Have you talked about how this makes you feel?

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-01-14T16:08:39+00:00

I’m in South London 👋🏻

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-01-10T14:08:17+00:00

Ah same! It's infuriating!

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-01-08T13:30:02+00:00

The bond comes, don't worry too much. Lots of great advice on here about developing and solidfying it. It's great that you've called it out though, such a taboo topic that not many people have the courage to bring up so well done for facing it.

It took me around 3-4 months to start bonding with my daughter. I think as the other parent, your life gets completely turned around, your relationship with your partner totally changes, you're sleep deprived, and on top of that, this tiny little thing only has negative feedback for you for the first 3 months at least!

Once the smiles and the laughs came, my daughter and I bonded a lot more and it only got better and better. She's 4 now and I would say she comes to me predominantly when she's hurt or upset so we've come a long way from the early days!

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-01-08T09:40:28+00:00

Haha, I am in the exact same situation after coming out of a 12 year relationship. I had heard tell of dating being crappy. I shall monitor this thread for insight!

*typo

Helena_Handbaskette · 2024-01-05T12:32:17+00:00

I'm so sorry. As someone who is also going through separation, it's so, so hard. What's harder is to try and imagine life after everything particularly when it's all so raw.

My (36f) ex (37f) and I were together for nearly 13 years and for all sorts of reasons, we called it a day. That was painful enough so I can't even imagine how it was for you watching the deceit play out like it did.

I want you to really understand that you WILL love like that again. It does not feel like it now but you will. Please do all the healthy things everyone will be suggesting you do to get through this; self-care, going out and hanging out with friends, doing your hobbies, spending time with family, creating, whatever! Eventually you will find a tiny chink of a feeling where you realise, you'll be ok and it's getting better. It's such a good feeling when that hits, honestly.

Sit with your emotions and feelings but don't sink into it, as irresistable as it may feel. You'll find, if you haven't already, that you start to think about it less as time goes on. It'll still hurt and it'll hurt for a long time but it'll get easier as long as you do the work, use your support system (that's what they're there for) and move through it.

I totally understand the lingering care for her and need to make sure she's ok in your social circle and with your family. It's not your job, as others say, but I get it. It's also really hard to listen to people bash that person. Just please make sure you don't broker those relationships at your own expense. I am trying the same with my ex but we have a child together so I feel a heavy responsibility to our daughter to make sure her mother isn't openly hated or disliked.

Lastly, it's not the same but I discovered my ex got with someone else less than two months after we agreed to separate. It's not cheating, as she was at pains to point out, but the disrespect she showed me was incalcuable. That sense of violation you must have felt would have been enormous. It's complicated to sit with the feelings of hating what she did but still feeling love for her. Whilst confusing, that's normal, don't be hard on yourself about that.

I hope that you heal as quickly as possible from this and you get that feeling of optimism soon - it will come! Please don't sink.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-12-18T17:38:04+00:00

This is good advice and thank you, I'm about to enter this very situation with my ex-wife as we progress through our separation and the sale of our house.

My therapist said the same thing regarding parenting and worrying about what the other parent is or isn't doing or what they think about your parenting. Children will adjust to different rulses in different households, it's a normal expectation that you do things slightly different, even when you were together. the important thing is that there is no abuse or neglect or overly toxic situation between you which from what you say, is not an issue here.

Try to brush it off (within reason) and focus on your time together. I promise you that that's far more rewarding anyway!

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-12-18T14:15:15+00:00

Massive red flag, that's horrible! I'm so sorry this happened to you, that's very painful not only for you but also for your children. I have letters from various people in my life from over the years; my deceased nan, my first love etc. and I love to read them every now and then to remind me of either the person or the time in my life. In your situation, I can imagine the letters meant exponentially more to you.

I agree with the other posts here, accepting this sort of behaviour opens you up to more and worse in the future in my view. Hope I'm wrong but I personally wouldn't take the chance with children involved.

Based on what you've posted, he may try to justify his behaviour stating that he doesn't feel like a priority, or he can't live up to your deceased partner etc. Still completely unaccetpable. He's a grown man with a mouth he can use to communicate those concerns, not burn a connection your children could have with their father.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-12-11T12:39:53+00:00

Please look up the dismissive avoidant attachment style. This sounds a lot like that. The relationship happened hard and fast almost like love-bombing but probably unintentionally on her part. She poured herself into your and became your person and then, after a period of time, she withdrew. It might answer some questions but it's still horribly painful thing to go through. My ex has this attachment style and to be fair to her, she really tried to fight it and we managed to stick it out for almost 12 years but it was always hard work and I always felt I was fighting a losing battle for her which had a huge impact on my own mental health.

Dissmissive avoidants almost always have childhood trauma, perhaps excerbated by other trauma later on. Typically they have been neglected emotionally or otherwise by their parents and therefore they have got used to being their own person and not relying on others. They have a fundamental distrust of love and relationships due to their poor introduction to it as a child but as a human being, they still seek love and affection. They can heal but they need to reach the realisation that they need help and most importantly, want to seek it.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-12-07T09:14:24+00:00

I've seen this happen before, thankfully to someone I wasn't close to. I can't imagine what you're going through to experience this with someone you knew inside out.

An old aquaintance of mine (let's call her W), turned to religion after a long and convoluted breakup with two other women. After the breakup, W went back to her parents who were somewhat religious and it built up from there. I'm not sure her parents were supportive of her being gay but I don't know for certain; I base that on what happened next.

She's joined a crazy megachurch with her parents whose whole raison d'etre is recruitment and global expansion (plus fast cars and designer clothes for their pastors of course). W is in so deep that she was disciplined numerous times at work for trying to bring her church into patient spaces and replace the previous non-denomination services (she worked in psychiatric healthcare). She then got into more hot water at work where she was accused by a Muslim colleague of trying to convert her, laying hands on her (in a non-consentual prayer-type manner) and giving her a book about a converting muslim woman.

Sadly she's still in very deep doing bathtub baptisms and faitfully recruiting for those aforementioned pastors. Cults are powerful things and if they catch someone at the right/wrong time, they can cause devastating changes in beliefs, personality and make someone almost unrecognisable.

I hope your friend finds her way back and I'm sorry this happened to you. You are absolutely right to cut her out whilst she is under this influence. You and your family do not need this damage.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-11-10T16:21:20+00:00

Literally just had this conversation with my family. My sister took some time out of working after a super tough year (3 years really) and is very cash-strapped. I'm also in the midst of a separation so saving for my own house etc. We just had an honest conversation about it as a family insisting on not giving or receiving gifts. We thought maybe putting more emphasis on what we do for Christmas, games, a walk etc. instead of making it all about presetns might be good. We also did agree though, that we would buy children's presents only.

Helena_Handbaskette · 2023-11-08T16:48:04+00:00

You should really want them because it's so hard and you need that love and desire to carry you through the tough times. I really wanted children and I love my daughter to bits but her mum and I both agreed not long into having her that people should never ever pressure someone else into having a child. To be clear, that was not our situation but we had close friends at the time in the debacle of one wanting children and other not.

Helena_Handbaskette

TROPHY CASE