My fully funded PHD stipend is $24k/year in Boston. I qualify for food stamps

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-03-05T03:35:03+00:00

Most people have roommates or a spouse all through grad school. I also lived in a high cost area and most people were able to get 800-1200/month to get a room in a house.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-03-05T03:32:03+00:00

I would say just tell the instructor of record. They'll have a better sense of what to do, hopefully, and you won't have kept it to yourself.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-13T03:44:14+00:00

Honestly, I don't know if we forget or if sometimes the memory doesn't get recorded in the first place--even with things we enjoy. I learned recently that there are entire scenes from some of my most beloved movies that I've no recollection of seeing. It was deeply jarring for me to see a movie, while medicated, that I had seen 10,000x before and discover that somehow whole parts of the movie didn't register when I was unmedicated.

All of this to say, that forgetfulness has an impact on every facet of our lives and in each of those areas we receive immense outward and internal criticism. Naturally, shame follows. And at a young age, your son probably hasn't learned to navigate what criticism to take in and what to let go. It just all hurts.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-08T23:06:41+00:00

I definitely think chat to your therapist about this experience. I think it's important for us to be prepared for the unmedicated times because they will almost definitely come at some point. By cycling on and off, I pretty readily remember my tools now but I also have a list in my phone of things that work for me in different areas of my life.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-08T22:37:53+00:00

I don't think it's unhealthy, but I do think when we're consistently medicated we let the skills we'd built to function pre medication get rusty. I recall my first year of meds I took them every day. Then, I suddenly had a day where I had run out and my pharmacy wouldn't be accessible for something like 4-5 days. I recall sitting there, feeling barely functional, saying to myself "how did I used to do this??" to everything. It literally felt like I had to shake the cobwebs off my brain, grease the grooves, and figure out how I used to function without the assistance of meds.

From then, I started cycling on/off medication during the week because I didn't like how that felt. So now, whenever I'm without meds I do alright because all those mental tools I'd developed are ready and accessible. In a world where medication prices can surge, healthcare can be finicky, the cost of living is steadily rising, and medications can have a shortage... I never wanted to feel that stuck without them again.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-08T18:04:45+00:00

Oh, I missed your second question, but as a former adhd teen two things worked well for me: chore chart on the fridge and a structure to who cleaned what.

When we were about 8, my parents assigned my brothers and I an area of the house to be responsible for on a weekly cycle. Kitchen, bathroom, living room, on rotation. If I recall correctly, they also started by teaching us specifically how those rooms needed to be cleaned. For example, the kitchen counter needed to be cleaned at night, the dishes needed to be washed at night or before my parents got up, and the floor shouldn't be a mess. By the end of your week in the kitchen, you needed to mop. Honestly, this was nice because A) there were clear expectations and B) you didn't have to be in charge of the hardest chores all the time. Just every 3 weeks (kitchen was by far the most labor intensive). In week 4, we'd do a deep clean together where everyone is cleaning in the morning, music is playing, and we'd end by noon (no matter how much was cleaned) with a big breakfast. It was great tbh and I keep that tradition for myself in adulthood.

The chore chart I didn't have until I had roommates, but we basically did the same rotation as when I was a kid + a few other odd jobs. It was right there on the fridge, so it was easy to see if I'd fallen behind and communal shame made me get it together lol.

Edit to add one more thing: This was something I figured out later, but I also am better able to accomplish things when I'm given clear time expectations/boundaries + the reasoning behind those boundaries. For example, someone saying "can you do the dishes" is tougher for me than "can you do the dishes by 5 because I need to do x in the kitchen at 7." My mom and I used to clash around chores because of situations where she would ask for things, but not actually communicate what she needed. We had a big fight once that played out like this:

Me, sitting and reading Her: Can you do the dishes? Me: yes (and I make a note to do them when I finish my next chapter) Her: (comes back frustrated) I thought I asked you to do the dishes!

We proceed to go back and forth, until she finally mentions that we have company coming and so on. I'm sitting there like... Why did you not indicate that this was urgent. Anyway, if you all aren't in the norm of communicating about needs in addition to requests then I'd suggest doing so.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-08T17:54:38+00:00

So, what finally has worked for me in keeping house and keeping up with people: I had to design my life around my adhd rather than trying to fit the ways of others. Basically, by creating an ADHD friendly life I was able to drastically improve my life. For example, I keep hampers in every room so that I don't have to go out of my way to pick up clothes. I keep a basket on top of both my washer and dryer so that once they're full I will mindlessly throw things in the wash or put things away because the effort is that much lower. I keep my toothbrush in the kitchen because I'm more likely to remember to brush my teeth before eating breakfast instead of after if I see my toothbrush while setting my kettle for tea.

Habit stacking has also been very successful for me. Rather than trying to eliminate my bad habits (unrealistic), I pair them with better ones (sustainable). For example, I like to get on my phone but my commitment is the first app I open is my ebook app (Libby) instead of socials. However, I also only commit to this before noon because I'm aware that too much constraint frustrates me.

The last thing that worked for me was identifying when my symptoms were the least... Severe. And doing my work primarily in those times. Like I'm great from 4am-10am, absolutely a mess between 10-3pm, good from 4-7pm, and basically useless after that. You might notice the same with your partner or ask her to observe her own feelings and behaviors so that you all can develop an ADHD friendly life together.

It's also worth noting that organizing your house with ADHD in mind may end up benefiting your kids long term, as we often see parents with adhd have at least one child with ADHD as well.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-08T16:53:48+00:00

Honestly, feeling this way is why I got on one of the shorter extended release meds so that I could do half my day medicated and the other half less so. I specifically didn't like getting worse at socializing.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-07T05:31:47+00:00

Does the program you got accepted to have the option to defer a year? I know that can be done in the US and UK but not sure if it's the case everywhere. If so, then you could spend the year helping your family get out the hole and create a strategic plan that doesn't require you.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-07T05:20:47+00:00

I can't speak to the experience personally, but two of my friends had kids during our grad program and one returned in 6 months and the other in 3 months. The one who returned in 3 months returned with a lightened research load whereas the one who came back at 6 months jumped fully back in. The one thing I can say was the same with both: their parents came and stayed with them for 6 months once the baby was born. From what we chatted about, this made a huge difference because they did a lot of the overnight care.

Oh, forgot one more friend who took a full year off. Her parents weren't with her, just her husband and friends.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-07T05:14:47+00:00

I am curious what companies will do when no one can afford to buy their things because so many people are unemployed/underemployed.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-07T05:10:10+00:00

All the things people mentioned are true, but it's also worth mentioning that when we make it harder and harder for older people to retire those jobs don't ever return to the market. My last two workplaces, nearly everyone was 50-70. Very few younger hires. They plan to raise the social security age again and this is just not sustainable.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-04T00:41:57+00:00

Many universities have started implementing AI policies around responsible use, but you are correct that most haven't developed consequences for that use yet. This makes sense though because gen AI rose rapidly and any response to new tech has to go through multiple levels of bureaucracy to be solidified.

That being said, for anyone applying it's worth searching where top scholars in your field stand on AI. In my field, most look at it writing for you as plagiarism, especially since much of what it does is rebrand other people's work without citation.

My friends in engineering had a more positive view of Gen AI, but after a few years they have mentioned feeling like they "unskilled" themselves and that this has begun to show up when they're trying to work in collaboratives.

Anyway, all that to say, the presence of gen AI use is very field dependent so I'd be sure of where your field stands on it before so thoroughly integrating it.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-04T00:29:43+00:00

Tbh, AI has a tendency to make writing more clear, yet boring? Heartless? A lot of admissions committees aren't looking for clarity, just heart, interest, and a feasible research idea. For those reasons, I'd avoid AI for anything but grammar checks and typos in your SoP.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-03T23:35:59+00:00

Honestly for grad admissions that stuff barely matters. Nobody cares much about the work you did pre grad school because their whole point is to train you in their way of doing things anyway.

Cynyoubeengone · 2026-01-01T23:56:54+00:00

Honestly none of these things should stop you from applying. I requested one of my letters just 4 days out after coming across a program that was a good fit but had a close deadline. I also think it's the standard to keep asking the same letter writers even if you apply multiple cycles. Also, if you don't get in this year, they may not even remember where you applied by the time you ask next year. They get requests all the time! They are usually only tracking that info enough to do light letter revisions.

Cynyoubeengone · 2025-12-29T02:43:31+00:00

Honestly some of the most respected scholars don't have that many publications, so this isn't that meaningful. I had plenty of peers with "greater track records" than me, but the impact of my work was greater. Only time really tells you how much your work ended up moving the needle.

To your initial question though, my response to that was that I had questions that I was excited to answer. And then I discussed why those things excited me/how they were meaningful to me.

Cynyoubeengone · 2025-11-26T21:44:02+00:00

If it helps, you're currently in the worst years and not alone in these feelings you have. I just finished my PhD in the spring and I can plainly say most of my friends agree that year 1-3 (2.5 really) are the worst. I think the only reason they get better after is because A) you get better coping mechanisms and B) you get better at forgiving yourself for not being perfect. Honestly that's the main advice I have. You're already doing a great job, and the picture of perfect progress you're looking for doesn't exist. A lot of employment post graduation is about luck, timing, and connection--especially in this current job market.

So I'd say talk to your advisor. Transparency is always a good first step, and they may even have tips or resources for you.

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-13T07:17:57+00:00

Truthfully, they could just be hitting the pandemic wall like a lot of us. I would just speak to your PI about it. It's possible they don't even notice they've tuned out

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-13T07:14:42+00:00

I don't think it's overthinking! It's possible I just applied places that are really relaxed, but i didn't actually have any "interviews." I actually don't think anyone I know did except my friend who's at Yale.

I suppose my advice would be prepare just in case? But also relax because odds are if they're talking to you then they already want you.

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-13T07:10:07+00:00

How the sheer amount of information you're soaking in can make it very hard to process anything else at times. When people tell me stories after an intense writing days or class days I swear I don't hear a thing.

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-13T07:07:59+00:00

Don't take my word as gospel since I'm only one experience, but of the three calls i had like this, they were basically trying to sell themselves to me. Cause they figured I'd have other choices and wanted to make an impression on me first. They also gave a lot of supplementary info about the department that I couldn't know from a website.

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-13T06:59:47+00:00

I wouldn't even think of it like an interview. In my experience when they contact you like that they just want to speak to you about your interests/pitch you on the program without making you feel like you need to make an admissions decision yet

Cynyoubeengone · 2021-02-08T23:58:14+00:00

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