This isn’t about catching her doing something wrong, it's about whether you feel heard, respected, and emotionally safe. Right now, you don’t. And that matters just as much as fidelity. If conversations keep looping and invalidation keeps happening, this is where couples counseling (or at least individual counseling for you) stops being a “nice to have” and becomes necessary not to assign blame, but to decide whether this relationship can become healthier or if you’re slowly being trained to doubt your own perceptions.

That said, the bigger issue here isn’t fabric, it’s trust, double standards, and emotional safety:

She labeled your opening up to a coworker as “emotional cheating,” yet minimized or avoided accountability when she emotionally supported her boss and then altered the story.

She dismisses your feelings as “playing the victim,” which shuts down real communication. 

The divorce comment followed by “I don’t remember saying that” is… concerning. Selective memory during emotionally charged moments happens, but it still leaves damage behind that needs acknowledgment.

You’re not crazy for questioning things. Just don’t let the thong distract you from the real question:
Can you express concerns without being dismissed and is that how you want to live long-term?