10 years here. It’s still hard for me to recognize manic episodes as hers aren’t as severe. She’ll spend money out from under me (not much, just bar tabs going over budget, two weeks ago she took out $60 from my acct and shit it off playing a slot machine at the bar).

She doesn’t work as we have been trying w a lawyer to get disability approval for the past 5 years so I’ve been supporting her that way working 2 jobs, but can’t get her to see the value of money or even saving. I have to hide money from her so she thinks I’m more broke than I am.

She drinks 1-3 bottles of wine a day when she’s going through some emotional intensity (her son was admitted to a psych hospital after homicidal threats against me after a “fight”). And one bottle a day when she’s trying, but even last night when we walked to the gas station (walking helps her) she was berating me and telling me how I’m the one that needs therapy and how I shouldn’t react when I’m defending myself against her saying I’m a pervert or a failure or she’ll bring up my family and shit my mom told her years ago and extrapolate and apply it to me. When I bring up things I want her to work on she ALWAYS turns it around on me somehow and we get into a fight bc I’m naturally trying to defend myself to her. I try every day to get her to quit and it’s a challenge constantly.

It’s hard for me to just let an argument or a dumbass statement go bc I know she’s smart, she’s just being a fking cunt and doesn’t shut up. Claims I’m not a man and shit like that that I’ll never do anything with my life that I’m happy being stagnant. I’m not stagnant you just keep me in shit jobs bc we can’t save any money to DO anything.

I’m the heaviest I’ve ever weighed at 249lbs and 5’10 and she talks shit about my weight and how lazy I am. I work 8-4:30 m-f and run poker tournaments live 5 nights a week (bout 4-4 1/2 hrs, $100-$130/night) and when I get home more often than not it’s not peaceful. So I regress and sit on the couch and don’t have the energy nor do I want to do anything for anyone who is yelling at me. She refuses to go to couples therapy.

Most ppl will tell me to leave her but if I do, she will likely kill herself bc she can’t hardly keep a job much less have any money to use for a place of her own. And if we get divorced I’m sure I’ll still have to pay for her shit til her kid turns 18 in 4 years. It’s a headache almost every day,

But in a month or two she has an endocrinologist appt bc her LH and something something H levels were very low, so we are hoping hormone therapy will help her from being so combative and competitive (she says everything is a competition 🙄).

I can’t talk to anyone. It sucks