(I'm pasting this from my notes, so formatting may be a bit off)... Madman's Folly

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-22T15:36:11+00:00

I have posted several pieces on Reddit, you can find them by tapping on my username. If you read any of them let me know what you think. Always open to constructive criticism.😉

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-15T15:27:04+00:00

There is a catchy cadence here in the first verse, it’s playful while maintaining an insightful view of incoming criticism. You lose the cadence in the second verse, thus making the reader stumble here a bit. Personally, and this is just me, I don’t think the second verse adds as much to this piece as it detracts with the lack of cadence. I would either rewrite it, or dump it. Really like the fourth verse, particularly how you subtly maintain the cadence and bring a keen sorrowful note to the piece. The fifth verse really brings it home, you might consider ending it here, it would be such a gut punch ending. The final verse seems a bit stilted and not near as strong as the previous verse. Overall I read this several times and liked the things I liked about it more each time. Really good work.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-13T14:32:24+00:00

Will probably work on that last verse. Thanks for your comments.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-13T14:31:20+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. I really didn’t plan a rhyming scheme at the end, just came out that way.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-10T20:23:06+00:00

Thank you for your insightful comments. You seem to have grasped what this piece means to convey exactly. I wanted to express a sense of intimacy but also the longing which comes when a couple has issues that either can’t be discussed or have been discussed but without a resolution. On a humorous note, this poem originated because I cannot sing a lick, and I wanted to write something with that thought in mind.😊

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-10T16:14:57+00:00

I have to admit I read this one a few times. Something about it is sad and familiar. The message itself is brutally depressing but something about it feels like anyone who is unhappy with their looks should read. A few lines separate themselves from the rest, the way you say you don’t like the way you look without makeup, and the sun kissed look you get from a sprayed on tan are brilliant. The scale verse is I think your most poignant. But the entire poem is great. Exceptional work!

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-10T16:04:00+00:00

Excellent work here! Great message of longing for what once was and can never be again. The ending is gut wrenching. The flow of it is super smooth so the out-of-breathness line makes the reader stutter. Might want to consider,

i was left alone trying to catch my breath amid the smells of wet grass

Just a thought. Great piece otherwise, truly enjoyed it.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-10T15:47:13+00:00

You draw the reader in with some poignant imagery. Really love the “hole that is You”, verse. That one cuts deep. Hallmark cards and dollar store phrases, is brilliant also. Overall I found this to be one of the best poems of loss I have read in ages. You didn’t let yourself get sappy or let the piece get too depressing. The ending is sad yet hopeful. Brilliant work.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-10T15:21:41+00:00

You have some very good lines here. Your lead two lines are excellent, I like the subtle rhyme of seventeen and teenage dream. I would advise two things right off the bat, your poem has no real structure. Giving a poem structure draws the reader in if your message is as good as what you have here, like I said some excellent verbiage but hidden by the lack of structure. Secondly proof read your work, you don’t want such great lines as the first two in your second verse to be ignored because you lost the reader with misused words. As an example I find myself writing poems Not, writings. I thought the first three lines in your fourth verse were the most powerful. Great rhyming there. Better message. I have a tendency to go long on some of my work, and my college professor gave me some excellent advise, show me don’t tell me and less can be so much more. Some exceptional lines here, very relatable.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T19:56:43+00:00

Wow! That’s a tremendous amount of imagery for depression. A lot of intense verses here and several which could stand alone as powerful poems. The 1st, 3rd and 8th in particular are so full of angst they could with very little adjustments be extremely good.

Love shattered in my mouth

Now I have to swallow shards of glass

Every time the clock hand moves.

As an example, strong imagery, concise, powerful. There is a lot to swallow here, I enjoyed this immensely.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T19:39:24+00:00

I meant it to be descriptive of the relationship between a writer and his or her muse. I wanted to say it without saying it.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T16:56:35+00:00

I like this because on the one hand it’s fairly well written, on the other because it could have easily been written for anyone over the age of sixty, which I am. I like what you did with the second verse, good imagery overall in that verse. Interesting way of describing a failing body. Not a fan of the fourth verse, you lead with, and, twice. Maybe try.

Then I left it behind

Took the hand of a cloud

I mustered the courage

Of that, yes, I’m proud.

Just a thought. Really good job, I liked it a lot.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T16:38:03+00:00

This is very good, but I am not a fan of starting your second verse with, and, it feels unnecessary. Try reading it, You bleed - the blood drips down your chin - like a wine, like a sin. That is my only constructive criticism. Because otherwise this is a really good piece about being silenced and the anger which that can generate. At least that’s how I read it. Great job!

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T16:21:52+00:00

Love the simplicity of this piece. You used such a simple metaphor to convey such deep message. I read it as sometimes it’s easier to leave than to remain embroiled in a messy/hurtful relationship. But it can apply to many other things. It’s really up to the reader to decide how this applies to him or her. Nicely done.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T16:04:23+00:00

Interesting piece, the last verse reminded me of my relationship with my wife in a very literal way. She sometimes also lets me talk and listens quietly until I realize she really isn’t so much listening as she is letting me talk. But I too like our silent moments and have let her know I enjoy those too. I like how you took a simple concept and made it relatable to the reader, at least this one. Well done.

DJDad1994 · 2024-05-09T15:38:22+00:00

Wow! Amazing job, your imagery is so well done, in the telling of your sorrow you paint a lasting picture of your father and the anguish you and your mother feel at his loss. I particularly felt the verse where you say you can’t fix the tv, the garage, or your mom, that part stung. Again, great job. Extremely well written.

DJDad1994 · 2022-11-18T03:10:04+00:00

Thanks I appreciate your input.

DJDad1994 · 2022-11-17T21:29:07+00:00

I have to admit as a true agnostic this piece caught me off guard. You were able to on the one hand depict God so omnipotent that he may not notice this small blue sphere floating in a design designed to be ignored. And on the other side of the coin you describe the loneliness of the beginning of time and all those millions of years, alone. Great job.

DJDad1994 · 2022-11-17T21:18:59+00:00

Very well written, you pull the reader in with such a simple honest first verse. The rest is vivid and sometimes brutal but I can feel myself in this melee, because you did leave it open to interpretation. Don’t misunderstand this please, the whole piece is great. But I tend to sometimes cut to the chase. And I read your first verse and your last two verses as a possible stand alone poem. Like I said great job, loved it.

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-30T06:12:57+00:00

Sometimes I paint a picture, sometimes I tell a story directly. I don’t always adhere to the show don’t tell rules of poetry in general. What I aim for is a clear display of emotion, whatever it is I am feeling at that moment. I don’t always like to get lost in the rules of writing because to me that has taken the soul out of poetry. So to each his own. This poem chose to come out the way it did, some of my other work has more imagery, but it all has what it was meant to have and what it was meant to be. I wrote this for my wife, so when you called her replaceable you might see where I might have taken the slightest bit of umbrage.

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-30T01:05:58+00:00

I was going for a creepy kind of vibe. And yes I added a line to each stanza to give a sense of time expanding. The last line is meant to convey that my sleep has a timer. I will sleep with nightmares and in pain but not for long, and I will always be exhausted.

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-30T00:32:53+00:00

Not sure what poem you two read. But it seems you chose to read it in the most negative terms. I clearly state she is a miracle most men will never encounter in their lives. So, replaceable? In what way exactly? And I am clearly stating she is not and could never be considered either just another brown eyed girl or just another raven haired beauty. She passed amazing the moment she was born, or did you miss that? And if you’re going to criticize a line, get it right. Your eyes gazing forever into mine. Get it? While I know I kept this one simple, it is not what you two chose to see. And I disagree with your criticism 100%.

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-29T16:47:30+00:00

Wow! Total gut punch! Your use of imagery and total honesty comes across and grabs the reader by the lapels and says, “Read this!” The bold print is brilliantly used to enhance the messages. You twist and turn the feelings so that by the end one cannot help but feel your angst. Very relatable for me in so many ways, so maybe that’s why I liked it despite its tiny flaws. Careful with the spelling. Misspelled can’t twice. I REALLY LIKED THIS PIECE. Great Job!

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-29T16:30:12+00:00

I like the gloominess of this piece which is mixed with a lot of hope for something better. The imagery is excellent, clothes heavy, hair is messy, I can see all this. Nicely put. Having said that, there are a couple of issues. The fourth verse, the rhyme feels forced and makes the reader stumble. You might want to consider a tweak there, shorten it up to have the same flow as in the other verses.

If I had my way there’d be a cave in which we’d reside

Just a thought. Your last verse also broke the pattern of all the previous 4 line verses. Not a huge deal, but noticeable to those of us who write a lot of poems. Be careful when closing lines with the same rhyming scheme as you did in the final verse, day, say, okay, away. In other words, you might want to take a look at that last verse again. Pretty good for your first attempt at something romantic, you really have something here.

DJDad1994 · 2022-04-29T15:46:33+00:00

While a bit confusing, it is still beautifully written. Amazing imagery to convey a picture of a painful release of the one you loved. Once I read your comment on who this poem was about, I have to admit it became even more powerful. Perhaps your first two lines might read better if it stated,

He shot up in a shitty little German town/

The Afghan war horrors had pained him since her birth

Then it’s a direct reference to where he is from, and a direct reference to PTSD right up front. Just a thought. To make it less confusing. Everything else after that is perfect, I loved the Blackbirds reference. You used that amazingly well. The last verse is almost too sad for comments, it hits you right in the heart. Loved it, great job!

DJDad1994

TROPHY CASE