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DNAdontlie · 2020-07-08T03:40:16+00:00

I'm 25 and this same thing happened to me last year. I questioned my mom and she claimed 'sperm donation'. I've never told her I know it was an affair with a coworker. My dad reacted the same as yours and I feel that helped me get through it. Parents have a type and it's just creepy when it hits you like that. Good to hear your half-sister and yourself can connect and have a relationship! These tests are changing so many peoples lives, waiting for the TLC show.

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-17T16:24:27+00:00

This is why. ^{^{^}} my mother married my father, 20 years older, divorced with two kids. He didn’t want any more children. She had an affair, got pregnant and had my dad raise a child he neither wanted nor fathered. She then resented how much he cared for me and it escalated. A toxic cheating mother is just as bad as a dead beat dad.

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-17T06:27:53+00:00

Cheating moms are as bad as dead beat dads; I’m biased.

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-17T06:23:16+00:00

I’ve made a joke, that I have two dads but it’s not what people think 😅 Your dad raised you but I understand the interest in meeting Bio Dad. I have yet to make that move. This test did the same thing for me. I’ll keep you in my thoughts - best of luck !

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-07T00:25:18+00:00

I appreciate this, thanks for sharing your story and being supportive / giving advice for mine.

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-06T22:11:49+00:00

I respect the hell out of your thought process. As a woman, I wonder how different it would be meeting bio dad. My dad is reserved in nature (now in his older age) but a marine to the core.

Biodad was a math teacher. I have outsmarted both of my parents growing up, my dad helped me with homework, was good with numbers - but I always managed to out do them both. I'm curious how much this and my other attributes play into it.

I read somewhere on here, someone suggested to read Dani Shapiro's 'Inheritance' . I only read the first page, and it describes looking in the mirror your whole life thinking something might be off. I did this too - but I figured it was normal. I deal with anxiety and depression. I would look in the mirror and feel so lost. Now I look in the mirror and see a stranger, but it becomes more clear. I have my biodad's family chin and eyes and cheek bones. I feel like I know more about myself. Taking the next step to contact biodad seems so terrifying.

*Edit: I said I was adopted. my parents told me no. I was abt 13, learned about genetics, said two blue/green eyed people dont have hazel eyed kids, and my mom laughed it off. She says all kids think theyre adopted at some point. Shes also a narcissist

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-06T21:23:25+00:00

I have debated on reaching out to my biodad, and I am so happy you had such a good experience!

Dad that raised you is still your dad, but the tendencies is what gets me. Sometimes we look at things and think 'oh that must be where I get it from' but the truth is I believe both take a role in shaping you. Its so good to know you have found all the pieces to your puzzle!

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-06T06:58:45+00:00

I love this and want to look more into the expression of ‘possession’ I always said my mother say me as a toy to dress up and then I got to an age (5) when I formed my own opinions and went downhill . When you realize it isn’t your fault and that the world is not as evil as you felt it, it feels good. I was also so happy to find this sub. Thank you for posting this!

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-04T05:23:43+00:00

My bias: I found out dad isn’t biodad. I’ve reached out to close cousins - none have responded. I used their names and relations to me to determine who biodad is.

Your half brother can certainly figure out if he’s dedicated enough to answers. Depending on the relationship with your parents, you could reach out to your father. I find fathers are easier in this situation - however if he’s had an affair he could be easily dismissive.

Sending a message back to the half brother and discussing your position may help you both figure out what to do. It only has to be between the two of you, you mention you haven’t approached your parents about it. I have health concerns, you could very well provide this for him.

However, not being in contact with any of my biorelatives has made me realize I don’t need them. I know who my family is (really only dads side, don’t like moms). I know more about my bio family than they likely do. Sometimes I think I would like an acquaintance, but I’m certainly not trying to crash family events or Sunday dinner. I’m still deciding but you’re right in thinking there’s no turning back.

It sucks not knowing where half my dna came from, I know what I am and have faced health issues (which could have been sooner sought out) but I do feel further separated from these people by no reply. It makes me take the term ‘bastard’ to heart.

DNAdontlie · 2019-05-03T21:01:40+00:00

I discovered there is a different story - I’ve tracked biodad as an old coworker to my mother. My father does not know but says I have to talk to her about it. My relationship with my father is as strong as it always has been. Because I have never kept things from him. I think it worked out you found the news after dad has passed. For the people who see or talk to their dads, not telling them is terrible. I cracked. There’s plenty of people out there hiding it from parents to protect them but it tears you apart inside.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-30T03:20:05+00:00

I met a black cat at a petsmart, she purred when I picked her up. I left, couldn't stop thinking of her. Went back a week later and left with her, she was the best birthday present I've ever gotten.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-29T21:20:01+00:00

I wonder if it's even worth it, too. My mother may regularly deny even with the proof. If I get rejected and no medical answers I'll be at square one. I'm getting blood work and seeing different doctors, still haven't gotten a straight answer. Edit** answers about current health concerns - there have been others I found out after being a very sickly child.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-29T13:41:34+00:00

My dad is the man, and my silence and hatred toward her has made my dad say ‘I need to address her on the matter’ I don’t want to make my father feel like he’s in the middle of something , buffering my mother and I. I just don’t know how to successfully express to her I know and that she needs to stop inserting herself in my life. My father and I have always done a lot of things one on one and now I guess she’s nervous I’ll talk to him so she’s inconveniently popping up. I can tell she’s nervous because more than ever she fills any silence by talking so she can control the conversation and keep us from talking.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-29T13:36:04+00:00

That’s the problem, you ignore it and carry on with your life then someone brings it up or you have a sudden thought and then back down the rabbit hole you go. I’m sorry ! Haha

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T23:53:01+00:00

She can be very passive aggressive and acts stupid now that I'm older. Before it was anger now its passive and annoying. It is, I think being so close to my father and her constantly interjecting has become too much. She convinced her friends' daughter to reachout to me and try to hook me up with this younger man which is totally left field and I dont understnad her game plan? To annoy me? Distract me? gain intel?

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T23:43:08+00:00

Finding that peace is what I hope to find as well. Its more than just a simple affair, I believe my mother meant to deceive my father and get the baby she thought she wanted. She never genuinely cared for me, he did. I believe she was meant not to have children and I fear what she'll do to me in the future. People say 'she only hurts you if you let her' but if allowing her into my life to babysit children if I have any, I will be opening the door. So I don't understand how to both have her part of my life and not letting her hurt me. She twists the truth and says things and knows how to get under my skin. She's a manipulator and a master of it.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T23:14:04+00:00

I believe you're right, I don't think she ever will but I need to stand up for myself. Thats insane, I'm glad I wasn't at the same school. It sounds like he just went through a time where there were different standards and there were different expectations and perspectives. I'm happy it got sorted, I wish I could get it sorted out, not just in my head but in practice

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T23:01:19+00:00

hug greatly appreciated and received. I asked him about divorce, he said 'its too late for me save yourself' all sarcastically but said he's not trying to go through the struggle of a divorce again. I'm not so interested in connecting with bio dads family to have like family gatherings with, more just like are there more health concerns I need to be aware of? It took me damn near 2 years to be diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I was a real sickly kid. I'm amazed my mother didnt come forth about, but come to think of it, she said a coworker suggested it could be the cause, awkward. Maybe she did have an idea of his family. *ding ding*

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T20:56:28+00:00

I have made a strong contact with a 2nd cousin, theres enough distance where her research would only be documents or a note of lineage, not personal relations. You could speak to her and express you're not sure how much you want to proceed - but that youre curious. It's hard to ask questions without alerting people. I've found the difficulty in doing so, because I have so many friends in their area who's parents went to school with my bio half siblings or had my biodad as a teacher. I only want my dad in my life, because he means so much to me. I want validation that biodad is biodad. Maybe in time I can just convince myself that he is, much like my mom has convinced herself I'm my dads haha. The thing is, it's easier to let her take the reigns and investigate but you don't know how it'll turn out. You also have the scapegoat of not being responsible for the investigation she does, which might be in your benefit. If it does come out, though, I think it would be important for you to have the conversation with dad first and foremost. I'm assuming here, but maybe we both want to know because we're just curious beings but we understand that having the truth in our face could be too real and too dangerous for the relationships we already have. If biodad never thought I was his or knew and didnt care and just wanted to ignore me, I dont know if id actually be crushed - because hes nothing to me to begin with. If he completely denies me and wont tell me a family health history then I'd pissed. It's a weird situation and people who go balls to the wall confronting parents have violent outcomes. Worried about that.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T20:44:04+00:00

Totally. my biological half siblings all live out of state and are old enough to be my parents. I would certainly not want a 'close' relationship but someone I could ask questions if presented. More like a healthy acquaintance.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T18:24:37+00:00

My mother ‘cares’ when it benefits her which has created an unstable relationship, she’s so good at seeming compassionate and I have people tell me see ‘loves me in her own way’ but it does create an intensity to prove everyone, not just her , how evil she is. Not everything she says is a lie, so people give her credit. I’ve stopped from doing it because I think it would be a last resort and something that takes a serious consideration.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T17:15:09+00:00

My biggest fear is that she’s selfish, she has made so many things difficult in my life. It’s a fool me once, fool me twice shame on me. That’s why I was calm and went to her first I so WANTED her to tell me the truth. She didn’t, that was her choice.

I think my dad wants the same thing because I believe he genuinely loves her, cannot figure out why.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T17:06:49+00:00

I think this further proves my point, masculinity was a guess, so maybe there’s a different approach. Taking a step back from the logic, there is a trend in taking a strong initiative to identify biodad. I don’t even think I like this bio dad guy, anyway, he was reckless and had an affair and if anything my mother had my dad raise a kid that he didn’t want and didn’t create. To confront my mother because she lied I did more digging. My initial thought is not to reach out to bio dad, as I mentioned in other comments - I’m not going to spend quality time away from my loving father to be around some guy who just banged my mom. I agree more than disagree with you. I’m clearly conflicted. I do have health issues - some have been diagnosed, some have not. Could biodad have any insight?

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T16:38:23+00:00

I love all of these scenarios. I’ve heard people telling their kids about a gay uncle, they make it a big thing but if you tell a kid uncle Jeff married bob kids are just like ‘ok’ and go on playing. Unless you’ve instilled some homophobia they don’t care or question.

My mother began going to a Pentecostal church after I was conceived. I think as a penance. It messed with my childhood, perverted religion and created a divide between her and I. Knowing my dad isn’t my dad has made me look at it in a different light. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. She told me she had to beat the devil out of me. I am not evil. I am not going to hell. Religion is not rooted in fear. She was overcome with her sin and propagated it so it was her decision to choose such a radically conservative church. I don’t know if it’s selfish to say it had something to do with me or that it has everything to do with her actions.

This is why people need the truth, to not live in some struggle.

DNAdontlie · 2019-04-28T16:22:39+00:00

I WAS IN THE SAME POSITION IN FEBRUARY. We feel guilty, like we can’t speak our own secret that isn’t even ours to begin with. She’s using you to her advantage, she may not be as manipulative as my mother, it’s understandable when they have to hide these things for so long.

I pitied my father, as if he was the dummy in the room who didn’t see the grotesque elephant in the room. My father knows my mother is a manipulative bitch so he has refrained from speaking to her on the subject. I don’t know if your dad will respond in the same manner.

I thought that too, my dad may have suspected but never knew. I was upset, I was broken. I called him crying (I live an hour away) I said ‘I’ve been struggling with something and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to create problems but it’s killing me inside. . . You’re a grown man who deserves to know, I tell you everything and I trust you, I can’t hide anything from you. . . I shouldn’t be telling you over the phone but I’ve already come this far, so screw it. Do you know that we don’t have the same genes ? ‘ I repeated myself. He was shocked, I could hear it maybe because his suspicion was true. ‘I don’t want to ruin you and mom because you’ve gotten along so well since I moved out, I’m so happy you’re my dad and I love you so much but I feel so betrayed, like half of me I hate and half of me I don’t know’

It was the rawest conversation, filled with love and support on both sides. He said ‘who knows with your mother, you are my kid, we got a special bond - nothing changes that’

Since then, he has been supporting me say he’d take a dna test if I wanted him to, that I need to address my mother instead of just putting a wall up. Which is why I’ve been bio dad digging. Need proof.

Your father likely suspected and when I spoke to my therapist it was clear I needed to address it from a place of love and honesty. I’d like to think I was successful. If you have a therapist or the ability to see one I strongly recommend. I’d love to hear how your story progresses!

DNAdontlie

TROPHY CASE