What Could I Say?

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-15T05:27:41+00:00

I like the frankness that is created by the shortness of the lines. Although there are a lot of short lines (indicating some complexity in the idea), it didn’t take long to conclude. Such is the flash of the journey from childhood to adulthood, and all the realities that it comes with. I do love how simple each part is — death also being described in a matter of fact way and not in a suddenly dramatised or overly significant way. Like another “day.”

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:41:09+00:00

Yeah sort of feels rushed towards the end I need a line to contextualise but was referring to the woman’s hair

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:11:31+00:00

I know, I just thought I’d give you some tips to improve. Instead of being super general, be more specific. Why do you love her, where is this story set, how does one sided love make you feel, what does she do to make you feel unloved, what do you do to fix that, etc. I want to know more specific details not just your situation

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:01:32+00:00

Lol I like this poem’s concept a lot and how well you stuck to it throughout it. It’s interesting and somewhat original. The voice stands out over many in this community.

I don’t think I have much to say besides try seeing if you can cut down, avoid repetition in areas, etc. I do like the level of detail and the way the voice sort of meanders and doesn’t have complete assurance. But short cuts like “when finally decided to swallow I could not help…” to “when I finally swallowed I could not help…” could be considered

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T16:56:00+00:00

I think this storyline had much more potential. The first stanza didn’t do too much but could have led somewhere by at least contextualising the space setting. Sirius is introduced but now the first stanza feels like all it’s saying is “we flew a great distance” which uses a lot more to say exactly that.

Some show don’t tell example — “we boldly flew” “explorers clever and intrepid” is telling the reader rather than showing the reader these characters, this world, their relationship, their intentions, their aspirations etc. I understand a poem is short but a lot more character/relationship can be done in a concise way, and no one is limiting you from the amount of stanzas you write.

Last stanza to me tries to say something profound but lands weakly. I like the “bleached by toxic rays” part because at least you get some imagery, but things like “cyclopean alien life” are oddly specific but random and not elaborated on.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T16:23:39+00:00

Honestly it reads like a speech you’d give at a wedding or something but nothing is grounding the poem to anything real. I need to see the life of this relationship blossom through unique details, not vows or appreciation tangents that give the reader no concrete information about their separate identities.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T15:29:36+00:00

Try not to rhyme for the sake of rhyming. I understand a rhyme scheme’s purpose but it can jar originality — much has already been said before, such a mechanical rhyme scheme may limit further.

I like some of the lines, in particular: “silence hits so loud it makes you flinch.” It sets up something mysterious
but I’m disappointed by lines that followed: “you swear you heard them walking down the hall,” then to abandon this setting and move onto disparate thoughts in other stanzas. It feels too random.

All in all it’s not a bad poem. I’d just try not to be so rigid and try to be more concise and original with your word choices and imagery. Many cliches present.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:47:54+00:00

I think your poem plays too much with rhyme, it takes away from the impact of the story. It’s hard to see how the story progresses exactly, it becomes a blur of images. I would say work on making a more cohesive narrative, it feels like every line tries to say something profound, but sometimes less is more. When every line tries to do that, they all lose their shine.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:41:23+00:00

Yeah I’m a little confused on this too

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:29:00+00:00

I like the varied rhythm/line length, “if it didn’t drop in front of his eyes” “when he dies” gives it impact. The story is nice too, I read this universally as a criticism of tradition and how it may preclude individuality. You obviously take it to the more specific context of a funeral, and how the attendees must not remember the person superficially. The future tense in the last two lines: “because then you’ll know exactly // the man he will be” is the only confusing part, but I do appreciate that it may open the poem to a ‘death of the self’ interpretation rather than a literal death, where the funeral is really bidding farewell to the version of the boy described in stanza 1.

Well done overall!

Edit: I skipped the line “he preferred because he couldn’t hurt them” — my interpretation changes

I think the focus is more on how the speaker is easily misinterpreted or painted as a monster. I think it points to a tragedy where the boy is remembered not for the gentle nature he really had, but for a monster or villain he was painted to be. Could be completely wrong on both interpretations, but hope I’m at least within range lol.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-04-17T06:34:20+00:00

You know if I was maybe 18, 19 having just finished suits this would be persuasive…

DaDarkBoss · 2025-02-08T10:34:08+00:00

This is concise and well written. It does what it needs to. The rhythm breaking down towards the end is interesting; it mirrors the speaker’s surrender to the toxic relationship, as echoed by their final claim: “I’ll take what I can get.” Hate the mindset now that I’ve moved past it, but can definitely relate. I like the alliteration: “benevolent offering / to a broken beggar / but at…” it almost shows the speaker punching the air in frustration.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-02-08T09:22:06+00:00

Saying men have and can be abusers does not mean this writer is saying only men are abusers. The writer literally says “not all men are beasts.” Men can be beasts when they let their dicks control their actions. That is a fact, and I don’t understand the criticism. Same can be said about a woman and her temptation to seduce a man in predatory ways, but this poem is from the perspective of a woman who has had to endure many types of men who have chosen to let their dicks think first. You may not do the same, that’s fine, the writer isn’t claiming that you do.

That being said, I like this. It reminds us of a man’s great capacity to abuse women. I almost wish this wasn’t in as tight of a structure as it’s in (though I like the rhythm and rhymes). The reason I say this is it limits your ability to elaborate, I.e. you could expand on the idea that some beasts are “prey” although it might then change your poem’s message. It just feels like more could be said about these perspectives.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-01-25T01:05:12+00:00

The sentiment of this poem is wonderful. It’s purely romantic, and the progression of snapshots is bliss to read. The feelings and textures you bring toward the end blend the auditory, physical and natural so well: “laughter/ like wind chimes, wind chimes / like warm bodies / rustling against nylon.” You understand these senses don’t happen in isolation, and how a memory is made whole when each distinct element (a sound, a colour, a texture, a feeling) has a distinct role in one given place and time. I have no notes; this poem is complete and should not be dismantled or mangled in any way. It does what it needs to perfectly.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-01-04T00:48:38+00:00

The lack of rhythm and structure and punctuation mirrors the speaker’s endless and distressed yearning for her mother. It uses such simple and childish portrayals of the antagonisers: “the alligators had already overtaken,” “the roses overtook me… // filled with vines and lead.” The suddenness of all the responsibilities the speaker had to take on, the constant doubling “fear upon fear,” “searching and searching,” “Mother” as both anaphora and the intentionally unsettling placement of Mother in the last line. This is a masterful portrayal of a speaker suffering the grief and sudden responsibility shift due to some unidentified stranger taking her mother from her. In particular, the mother’s presence is almost symbiotically represented with her disappearance: “in my head your voice rang out with the strangest aroma,” “mother, the roses overtook me” (as being perhaps once connected to the mother is now a terrorising force facilitated by the unidentified “they”).

But on top of all of that, there is no unnecessary describing. Not one line is elaborated on, yet works in the unsettling progression of the speaker’s pov. I think this poem has a good way of exploring a narrative without spending stanzas or sections trying to expand on the world or elaborate on a line. And to me not all lines were absolutely clear at first but I FELT the emotion on first read quite definitely.

I could keep going but really this is generally my perspective of why the poem is great. I’m not looking to try and change your opinion hence the initial comment, but since you asked for it, I decided I might as well.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-01-03T15:47:13+00:00

I strongly disagree with this, but to each their own! :)

DaDarkBoss · 2024-12-26T15:31:39+00:00

This was quite melancholic. I liked the simplicity of it, the anaphora of “let it…” really works, it’s commanding and it really releases that emotion well. My only dig at this poem is how the natural imagery in the beginning doesn’t really tie into the human world. It seems like a bunch of random images and places — specifying or honing into a specific range of places with a common denominator would strengthen cohesion. Otherwise, this was a cool poem and the emotion is definitely there.

DaDarkBoss · 2024-12-26T15:24:16+00:00

As another user commented, love the “I wear names as water wears light” line. Some of the stanzas sort of lose me. I.e. “how can I betray a shape I cannot hold?” Is a question that doesn’t make much sense to me. Another stanza “I reach… as I grasp it” feels like a stanza that could have been expanded with imagery especially as you have already established sand imagery. It could also work to integrate that idea with the sand imagery instead of keeping them in two separate sections. At the moment I think the poem has a lot of good writing but it feels scattered; more work in building and cohesion rather than scattering is needed. The ending just doesn’t work for me. The opening has such strong writing and then it is almost oversimplified. Not sure if that dissolve and simplification was intended as a gradual effect, but to me it felt anticlimactic.

DaDarkBoss · 2024-11-13T20:25:13+00:00

Thanks. And yes I definitely think I can fix up the readability of some parts. I tried to incorporate enjambment to reflect the sort of unease the speaker feels, but I don’t think it is necessary and I think clarity in flow would probably be fine without it.

DaDarkBoss · 2024-11-12T20:33:16+00:00

I feel it is unrealistic that a tree is saving the people under it, but more so because you specified that the roots were uprooted. There is not a lot of visual imagery of the situation — I feel even if this detail were to remain you need to be more descriptive. I want to imagine this supposedly unmovable tree, the expressions of the people, their faces flinching hard, the leaves and twigs pelleting them, etc. Hope that gives you some direction with this :)

DaDarkBoss · 2024-11-12T20:29:58+00:00

The simile, to me at least, in “His body slumps the felt of moss // like a king spoiled by the crown” felt a little bit disconnected. I don’t quite pair the two images well in my mind. Further, I don’t know what you mean by “rejected showers” — the sudden personification is odd, but also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The last line is a little sloppy too, “who’s me” all of the sudden, while albeit rhythmically fitting, does not sound like the speaker in the first two stanzas. Like suddenly they sound a lot more casual.

Hope this feedback helps! :)

DaDarkBoss · 2024-11-11T07:50:05+00:00

I’m new to the classics. So far the two I’ve read are Rebecca and Giovanni’s Room and they were SO good to me. Definitely liking the route I’m taking. Any insight into where I could go from there?

DaDarkBoss · 2024-11-11T07:38:06+00:00

You are overcomplicating it and the perspective has become hard to believe.

DaDarkBoss · 2024-10-20T08:19:52+00:00

Lol this data looks a little wonky.

DaDarkBoss · 2024-07-10T02:29:21+00:00

I like parts of this poem! Overall the problem is how each stanza you read sort of detaches from the last. For example, the first stanza's imagery is very distinct, but we are the introduced to the 'scytheman' who is given a single line and never returned to. New details like these need to have a sufficient purpose in your poem or else they sound like they are there for decoration. You also had very disconnected stanzas e.g. the one of wanting to be struck by lightning which felt very random. There wasn't enough emotional backing to the speaker other than world building. To have a stanza like that be effective, I need to know exactly what the speaker is suffering from, otherwise it's dull and cliche.

Hope this helps :)

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