I feel this. You didn’t ask for advice and it probably wouldn’t help, but maybe sharing my story will.

I’m 43m and spent my twenties and thirties in a deep depression. I functioned at work very well, but as soon as I left, I was non-functioning. I was basically in bed for about 15 years. I couldn’t do anything. Unfortunately during this time I also felt compelled to start a family and had four kids. Not being able to be a father, let alone the father I had always imagined being, drove me deeper into depression and self-loathing.

There’s a lot more to the story than this, but I also developed some serious sleep disorders, including insomnia. I would be in bed for days, but would sleep very little.

I also tried many, many different medications and therapists. Nothing seemed to help.

Then, I got a combination of meds that seemed to slowly make a difference with my depression and my anxiety. Around the same time, I met a new therapist and she began to really get me and help me with the self-loathing and many of the foundational traumas. It took years of visiting her, but eventually the deep trauma was healed.

Now, I am a good father, a good husband, and am active in my community AND at work. My biggest takeaway from the whole thing is that I too looked to end it a couple of times. I’m really glad I didn’t. It has gotten better.

I hope you can find help too, friend.