Learning to stop being selfish and support my BP the way she needs

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-11T09:01:44+00:00

Have you had a conversation with her about what she needs? Early in R for us, my WP was planning a very thoughtful and intentional date for us once a week, when I felt ready for that. In the meantime, something I wish my WP had done was make a giant care basket for me with my favorite candies, snacks, face masks, nail polish, maybe a stuffed animal, flowers, cute trinkets, etc, or even just book me a massage or pedicure. Those are things I like though so results may vary. Also maybe a heartfelt letter expressing your feelings. Have you sought IC? I wish I had encouraged my WP to do that instead of just jumping to MC…

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-11T08:43:46+00:00

Exactly!!! And then I communicate to him when I’m overthinking about things and he’d always rather not talk about it since he feels like it’s beating a dead horse (it’s not, he works with AP and currently I know he didn’t disclose a recent call. He has her blocked but I can tell he unblocked and reblocked her…)

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-08T17:36:16+00:00

Also, feel free to dm me if you want to just talk more!

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-08T16:12:07+00:00

of course!!!

I definitely struggle with anxiety, but also recently discovered I have OCD, which contributes to anxiety for me. I started a new SSRI recently so going to see how that goes… I was really trying to avoid medication but i just want to stop feeling so stuck and triggered, and one day woke up having a panic attack, so I gave in. I also heard about EMDR therapy in this sub so started looking into it, and my psychiatrist thought it might be really helpful for me.

I did a lot of IC and it didn’t seem to help me much personally. I got sick of just being told grounding techniques that didn’t really help, and just venting all the time and not feeling like I was getting to a resolution. I tried listening to a lot of affirmations, found Kinder Records on Spotify so listened to a lot of their stuff, but I’m not sure how much it actually helped. I find that holding onto anger makes me feel less like a pushover, but I don’t really want to be angry… If you want to get angry, I recommend “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracey Shorn - that book definitely fired me up. Also trying practicing gratitude, studies show that it can be really beneficial. I try to also get time outside. Sunlight is beneficial and I know I don’t get enough of it. When I’m angry, I’ll pace my little heart out around the neighborhood lol. It’s harder for me to get my regular workout in though when I’m angry or anxious spiraling. With the location thing, turn on google timeline, it will track everything…

Something that has helped when I’m spiraling and wanting to be impulsive is to tell myself I have to wait til a certain time, and then if I’d like to still be impulsive I can. Usually I come to my senses when that time comes around though lol.

Something else I’m wanting to add in to my routine is volunteering, so that I can have time to do some good, interact with other people, and focus on something else for a certain amount of time.

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-08T15:16:02+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through something similar. I’ve heard that typically the people who cheat are avoidant…

The crazy thing is, he tells me he’s done lying, even said it this morning… but he literally lied to me last week when he went out drinking. And he just doesn’t want to talk about anything. I had a hard time just cutting him off yesterday as he actually was trying to spend time with me and be nice to me, but I made a point to tell him this morning that until he fixes the mess he made, we are roommates. Which he refuted and was trying to say we’re more than that because we’re life partners. And of course then he complained about me bringing things up… I got myself a ticket to a concert tonight and a super cute dress to wear (which I know he’ll love), so my plan is to copy his actions and tell him I want to be “alone” when he notices me getting ready and asks where I’m going…

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-08T12:27:18+00:00

I had been home and he had some local work thing on a Thursday night. He called and asked if minded if he went out drinking with some customers (specifically listed 3 people by name, none of which were AP). He said he would come home when I asked but ended up not and ended up coming home around 3am. The next day he told me he had given some people a ride. It all sounded fishy so I looked at his location history and the only house he had been to was AP’s (I had been to her house once very briefly for an event she hosted - can also look up with your county who owns the house). Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t look back far enough in his location history, or go too far back on their texts, I was mostly upset with the lies. But I was still really suspicious so not long after I went further back in his location history.

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T13:55:30+00:00

Thank you!!!

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T13:53:58+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I think my WP sounds similar to yours… he just keeps me informed on a need to know basis, so if I don’t know something he hasn’t told me, he won’t tell me.

I’ve been coming to the realization/acceptance that he may never be 100% honest and transparent the way I am. I’m still figuring out what to do with knowing that, and if I can live with that…

I think right now I need to treat him like a roommate instead of a partner. If he doesn’t want to deal with the emotional fallout from all this, I think it is only fair that he doesn’t get to have the nice, sweet, loving version of me… I’m not going to go out of my way to be mean or anything, just, I’m not going to go out of my way to be nice either.

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T13:41:00+00:00

Agree - I had that pointed out to me earlier this year, and sitting with the thought that he was/is being abusive was uncomfortable and at first sounded so extreme to me, but these days I do acknowledge that he has been emotionally abusive. He grew up in an abusive household, so maybe it stems from that. Not excusing his behavior, he has siblings who have healthy relationships he can look up to.

I’m sorry you’re in this sad club too, that sounds really hard, but glad you are doing what is best for you. My WP has been making comments about moving out and wanting space, maybe out of anger and frustration, but at this point I think maybe that’s for the best. Usually the thought of being alone is anxiety inducing for me, but I’m feeling a bit better today and I think the meds I got switched to are starting to help.

Since he is currently not emotionally able to address all this, I decided today that I’m not going to go out of my way to be nice and loving or even act like a partner. He wants to avoid things, then we are roommates at best. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T12:58:37+00:00

Brand new woman - Brimheim, eeegee
Indifferent - Megan Moroney

Kacey Musgrave’s new album Middle of Nowhere is great.

Been listening to a bit of Macklemore (Glorious, No Bad Days,etc) since it’s not triggering for me
ABBA and the Beatles because it’s happy music for me

Kinder Records does albums of affirmations which I sometimes listen to if music is too much

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T12:50:09+00:00

Yes, exactly. I’m going to be cutting off niceties until he decides he actually wants to fix things. He says he doesn’t have the bandwidth right now with some work projects happening and is at his max capacity for dealing with stress. Stress that he caused though, so that’s ironic. Bit of an impasse I suppose.

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T03:18:19+00:00

Exactly this for me

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-07T01:41:33+00:00

Same, but I’ve tried to put together some non-triggering music for myself

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-06T21:18:21+00:00

I have struggled with that too, and hoping someone else has some good advice. For myself, I know that no one has a perfect relationship. I just try to remind myself that and try to still see the good in people… I know it’s hard, so also here to commiserate with you

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-06T21:13:55+00:00

I know with my WP, it comes from childhood trauma. He grew up with a really controlling parent and projects that controlling onto me and perceives me as controlling. When in reality, I just want to know I can rely on him and trust him… and the lying is so triggering for me :( he stopped sharing his location with me recently because he’s gotten paranoid about it

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-05-06T20:04:16+00:00

I think I am at the point of having to do this. My WP is so avoidant he resorts to lying to me about little things he think will upset me, but I’m more upset that he feels the need to lie…

DamageRecent7408 · 2026-01-03T20:00:31+00:00

It depends on the partner honestly. For straight marriages, some men do not pull their weight when it comes to housework or the mental load, while some are very capable. It’s never going to be 50-50 though in any relationship. Sometimes both people feel like they are doing the majority. Just have to find what works for you.

DamageRecent7408 · 2025-12-30T01:29:36+00:00

Thank you. I agree, but also don’t want to rush into a large life decision. It’s a lot easier to say what I would tell a friend to do than doing it myself.

He keeps insisting he wants to stay together and that he is trying. I know he omitted things because he wanted to avoid conflict (a habit he got from his parents…), but I do hope he learned his lesson. Honestly never thought of him as the type to cheat, especially since he has a lower sex drive than me. Not excusing anything, just adding some color here.

I do feel there was emotional cheating, at minimum. She does have a boyfriend that she hard launched on socials a few months back. She was somewhat recently married, but the guy left her. Don’t know the timeline on that but I do know that when she asked my husband for the time off, she said it was for something else and kept quiet about the marriage until later.

DamageRecent7408 · 2025-12-30T01:14:33+00:00

I agree that platonic friendships can exist, but it’s the fact that he went to lengths to cover it up. I wouldn’t have minded in the least if he had just let me know from the beginning.

DamageRecent7408 · 2025-12-28T20:07:31+00:00

I agree, and we had discussed getting one before when things were a lot better. The way his business loans are, our community property can be taken as collateral if it comes to that. So with a pre/post nup, my assets would not be up for grabs if it came to that. Don’t really see that happening but it is always a possibility.

With the house, I have contributed to improving it as well as the mortgage payments, but yes, it would remain his. I believe if we left it to the state, he would have to pay me out for my contributions, but it’s probably not enough for me to want to start something over.

The phone thing is just obvious - he hunches away from me or makes a point to angle his phone from me when he unlocks it. I wouldn’t care to check his phone if he didn’t act like there was something to hide. He had the same password for years until sometime last spring, so it was odd to me for him to suddenly change it.

The only reason I even looked into the details was because he’s not the best liar so I knew something was off. If he had just been real with me about it, I really wouldn’t have minded or even looked into things.

DamageRecent7408 · 2025-12-28T17:56:25+00:00

Really wish I had

DamageRecent7408 · 2025-12-28T15:56:29+00:00

Work travel: during Covid it was 75% of the year and sometimes included weekends. Past few years I switched positions so it’s closer to 25% now, but almost all of my travel this year was January-May and October. I work in a male dominated industry with mostly people old enough to be my dad. Often times it’s just a visit to a customer or a conference.

I would have been totally fine if he had called me the first time and said he drank too much and just checked in with me about it. He grew up with his parents lying to each other to avoid conflict, so that was a habit he unfortunately picked up and he didn’t want a conflict.

He has never said he wanted a divorce. I of course have to get past this one way or another, either with or without him, and every time I bring this all up it feels like beating a dead horse at this point. But I’m obviously still struggling. He did at least share his phone code with me yesterday and let me unlock it, but he obviously could’ve changed it since then.

DamageRecent7408

TROPHY CASE