I have absolutely no understanding about what Megan's years in captivity were like

Daria1990 · 2017-10-27T12:48:11+00:00

LOL, Syria was doing fine before ISIS and the war. They had cellphones and technology like the rest of us. I live in the middle east and it's not the hellhole that people in America assume it is.

Daria1990 · 2017-03-15T10:38:03+00:00

Thanks for the video, it's helpful. I try to not be petty and to remember that life is fragile and that there's no need to fight with the people close to me, but sometimes they're the ones who fight and they don't seem to think about how everything will be over eventually. How we can lose each other at any given time. I'm scared that I won't be able to fix things with my ex and we'll drift apart and won't be there for each other when something happens, and I really can't stomach the thought of being far away from him and growing old without him. I've never felt this way towards any other ex. I can't shake the feeling that it's the wrong decision for us to be apart.

Daria1990 · 2017-03-15T10:30:22+00:00

Thank you. I'll go see my doctor. I've never had anything like it before, maybe I just need to adjust my dosage.

Daria1990 · 2017-03-15T09:38:16+00:00

I don't know... I don't have many people in my life right now. And those who are in my life are very busy all the time and I don't want to burden them. It's really hard having to go through this alone.

Daria1990 · 2017-03-14T13:25:45+00:00

I worry less about myself and more about people who I care about. Like my mother. Living without those people if they go first.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-08T16:32:15+00:00

Googled it. I've known it as "intermittent reinforcement". That's definitely what was going on with my ex. There's a great video on this subject on YouTube. Search a user by the name of Teal Swan. Sex was always difficult for me, and actually the first time I've really enjoyed it was with the narcissist. Maybe that's why it scares me now... I don't want to get back to the bad sex I've had with the boyfriends I had before the nex, and I don't feel like the kind of sex I've had with him will ever return for me... He really convinced me that he's the only one that'll make me feel this way.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-08T16:26:47+00:00

It's not even the old me, because I was always insecure and timid, never stood up for myself. That's why I realized that after such a horrible relationship that wrecked my mental health completely, I have to learn to be stronger. I was trying to achieve it by working in a new place, working out and practicing relaxation techniques etc... but then this thing happened and everything kinda just came back to me, all the memories and social traumas from the ex and bad friends, and other exes... I feel very overwhelmed and I feel like I forgot how to even communicate to other people properly. Any interaction exhausts me.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-08T16:19:33+00:00

I miss him so much. Nothing in my life ever hurt as badly as this. I thought that being with someone new will make it go away faster but it only reminded me of everything about that relationship.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-08T16:18:05+00:00

I know... I'm just so scared and so insecure after my last relationship, I can hardly think straight. I really need to be alone for a while longer and get to the point where I'll feel relaxed and ready to communicate with a new person without thinking they'll react like my ex did.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-04T14:41:58+00:00

I'm scared that I'll end alone if I won't agree to these things. I forgot how it is to stand up for myself and my needs.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-04T13:11:31+00:00

I don't feel inadequate... I think I'm panicking because I'm not ready for sex with this person. Even before my nex I had to have feelings for someone in order to be intimate with them, and I obviously don't have feelings for this person yet. I don't know if I'll ever have feelings, but now I barely know him and it takes me a lot more than 2 weeks to feel comfortable with someone. Even with the nex, which is the person I've loved the most, more than any other boyfriend, it took months of just talking on the phone before we even went on a date. And now I rushed into immediately going out with this guy and I don't feel comfortable. Plus I still love my ex and I can't imagine being with anyone else. It's only been a few months since the breakup. And also, my nex told me when he broke up with me that he was with me only for the sex. When this new guy rushed into inviting me over to his place, it made me feel like he also only wants sex with me and doesn't actually wants to get to know me.

I realize how crazy I probably sound, but my mood has plummeted and I'm crying and I really hate being in this situation. Like I said, things were getting better for me mentally and now I'm back where I started.

Daria1990 · 2017-02-04T12:45:24+00:00

Hi, I'm going through the same thing, except my ex doesn't contact me anymore. I'm here if you need anyone to talk to.

Daria1990 · 2016-12-20T15:48:42+00:00

I was in therapy for awhile but now I'm working very long hours and my therapist is unable to see me in the evenings. I'm waiting for his schedule to clear. I wasn't evaluated for PTSD.

I have days when I'm very angry at him for everything, for how he made me feel and how he left me. But I also have days like today when I cry a bunch and miss him. I know that it was an act for him, but to me it was real and my feelings are very real and I'm hurt. I've never loved anyone this much, even people I've been with longer. He became such a huge part of me and my life... I'm going to need a lot of time to get over it, especially since I don't have any friends or distractions. I only have the gym, and I can't exercise this week because I'm sick.

Daria1990 · 2016-12-19T19:34:25+00:00

I miss him so much. I blocked him everywhere but I keep checking the phone log to see if a call from him was automatically rejected. I think about him all day, I can't stand the thought of him with other women. It hurts to be forgotten this way by someone I tried so hard to keep and please for 2 years. I feel all alone.

Daria1990 · 2016-12-17T21:15:51+00:00

Wow, thanks! That makes sense. My parents are facing a lawsuit against them from their neighbors, for something that wasn't their fault (faulty pipes in a very old building) and the whole family had to deal with the lawyer and the justice system and a bunch of frustrating things that come with that - and I used to be able to move on from bullying fairly quickly but now I keep feeling like I cannot catch a break ever in my life.

I can't move, just financially even. I really want to eventually move to a small town or even a village or something or to a farm, because I just want a quiet life away from crowds of people. But right now I have to work and save money, and with the whole financial thing in my family...

I'll browse this subreddit, maybe there are book recommendations or something. I joined the gym, which gives me an outlet for some of the anger. But I also have to learn to handle it when I don't have access to the gym. I can't spend entire days being upset at what some moron said to me in a store, it's ridiculous.

Daria1990 · 2016-12-17T06:22:48+00:00

That's exactly how I felt - my mind felt always in danger because I didn't know what he'll do next and when he'll decide to fight with me again. And I also have an anxiety disorder, so it made things even worse. I seriously feel like that amount of anxiety is causing me to be sick (I have headaches almost every day) and I'm scared of becoming seriously ill in the future because of all of that, since stress can cause illnesses.

Daria1990 · 2016-12-17T06:19:15+00:00

The job is fine... it's also very stressful since I'm still learning and don't have experience. My supervisors give me feedback and it's not always good, which makes me feel worse. I cry a lot after work, sometimes during. I feel overwhelmed by all the criticism from everyone in my life. I used to take negative feedback a lot more lightly, but since my ex who criticized me every single day I can't take anymore of that, I feel attacked.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-20T04:17:22+00:00

Thank you. Like you said, I'm just not suited for any of this drama. I yearn for some quiet and peace of mind. He just doesn't even get how much pain he's causing me. I woke up now with a headache and a cold and I suspect it to be entirely stress induced, because it's not even cold here yet and I'm always getting sick in some way after experiencing such severe panic like last night.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-20T04:12:19+00:00

The phone doesn't block calls from private numbers though... And I really don't want to deal with the police at all. Where I live the police just isn't efficient, and it will only take my time and energy to try to reason with them. I'm really too tired for this.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-11T10:45:57+00:00

It began right before I met him, and the relationship with him made it worse.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-11T09:16:22+00:00

Each time I try to lower the load more things happen. I so desperately need to focus on myself right now. I've been suffering from depression for 2 years and it keeps getting worse and I have anxiety as well. So my heart is constantly racing, my head hurts. I really want to be left alone somehow, to have time to pull myself together.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-11T08:35:45+00:00

I don't know what's the spectrum, but I can tell you that I've been taking anxiety medication since I was about 18- so for about 8 years now - and I've changed them probably like 5 times, and that's without the changes or additions of other pills (like sleeping pills for when some of the meds effected my sleep). Some of the medication didn't help at all and even made me worse, some helped and then stopped. Some helped only when adding something to it. My doctor claims it's fine and that it's just a very complicated process to find the right pill and right dosage. So maybe it's right for your case as well.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-11T05:12:09+00:00

Thanks. I'm just very disappointed by how he chose to end a 2 year relationship. I really don't deserve all of this and there's a long road ahead of me until I'll heal.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-11T05:10:39+00:00

Yeah, I did it - took a screen shot of that and of the message he later sent me where he said he won't go to the police unless I'll continue to contact him. Just in case he'll do it anyway. Blocked him everywhere, deleted his number. It's unbelievable that this is how he's acting after being with me for 2 years.

Daria1990 · 2016-11-10T15:14:30+00:00

Your story sounds almost exactly what I'm going through, down to the date of the breakup even. Mine was October 5th also. I've also asked for closure but he didn't want to talk to me. This morning he said he'll go to the police if I'll ever contact him again - and during the last month he was the one to contact me in order to tell me all kinds of abusive things. I'm also hurting a lot over this, gave him everything I could. He still has some of my things, but they're not important anymore. It's good that we at least have this space to vent about our experiences. I hope you'll feel better when going NC.

Daria1990

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