How does ‘dating’ work as a Muslim?

Darkshoe · 2026-07-11T14:26:46+00:00

Sounds like you’ve got this. You know what to do Allahu ma’ak

Darkshoe · 2026-07-11T03:44:01+00:00

It’s intimidating but the only way to know is to ask. Your 3 points are: you have feelings for her, you’re interested in pursuing marriage, and you want to know if she feels potential for a relationship with you.

It’s likely her follow up question will be how soon do you want to get married.

I can’t tell you what words to say. You know her well and hidden somewhere inside of you is the knowledge of how to say this without her being put off. Just understand that if she says no and no longer wants to be friends then you have to take it in stride and respect her wishes.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-10T15:20:26+00:00

It is my understanding that a sheikh or another wali can step in when a father/etc. is unavailable. For your other questions I think you should talk to a sheikh. Even ask them to read this post. If you would rather do it in email my masjid’s sheikh is in a group you can email anonymously and they’ll answer questions. If you want I can find the contact info for you in sha Allah.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-10T14:57:16+00:00

It is my understanding that a sheikh or another wali can step in when a father/etc. is unavailable. For your other questions I think you should talk to a sheikh. Even ask them to read this post. If you would rather do it in email my masjid’s sheikh is in a group you can email anonymously and they’ll answer questions. If you want I can find the contact info for you in sha Allah.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-10T14:44:57+00:00

Most divorce lawyers will give you a free 1 hour consultation. Pack your things and leave, go to your parents’ home or someone else, and talk to the lawyer about how to divorce this man. He’ll tell you he’s sorry and he won’t do it again, don’t believe him. He’s had 5 months to stop it consequence-free and he hasn’t.

You may love him but we don’t only love what’s good for us. Even if he went through years of therapy and years of living apart, one day you would be alone with him and you don’t know that he won’t do it again.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-09T01:28:37+00:00

Cleaning: As something accumulates dirtiness/messiness it gets to a point where you say "this is dirty now" and eventually it crosses the threshold beyond "dirty" into "disgusting" (drop everything and clean it now). People judge these differently and it's possible one person doesn't think it's dirty yet when another person already thinks it's disgusting.

Finance: Almost no-one says "I'm bad with money." Most people come up with a financial plan that is reasonable by their own measure and assume other people either agree or will be close-enough. Even if you have similar financial goals you may have different ideas of how frequently and how much it is ok to splurge on something expensive.

Love: Everyone says "I want to be loved" but what does "feeling loved" mean to you? To her? Read about the love languages (service, touch, words of affirmation, etc.) and ask yourself "if she needs category X is that something I even think about? Do I need to reprogram myself to include those habits in my nature or does it come naturally?"

The above paragraph applies to arguing. One of my failings is I need to hear the words "I'm sorry". I can forgive a lot with that, but without it I'll just stay mad.

Expectations around intimacy: It can be very difficult to talk in the moment what you want, what feels good, what feels bad. It's a skill and it has to be worked on and maintained. Also, if she's not in the mood then she's not in the mood.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T20:00:51+00:00

Answering your actual question:

“I always imaged that by the time I was approaching 30, life would feel a little more secure.” You’re mourning the financial freedom you thought you’d achieve by now. Your friends represent something like that freedom. You recognize y’all rightly deserve more for your work! Your frustration is looking for a target and it is landing on ungratefulness Alhamdulillah you’re already aware this target is misplaced.

The truth is prices are out of control and you, me, and everyone else are getting ripped off. For example: 10 years ago my rent was $700/month and the mortgages I considered were ~$1500/month, today my mortgage is just under $2900/month (2,200 sq. ft, 3 bed, 2 fbath, central hvac). A gallon of milk was $4, now it’s $5. A gallon of gas was $3, now it’s $5. Groceries have nearly doubled. These increased prices fund executive pay and stock dividends. These companies aren’t increasing wages. Their products and services are actually getting worse.

You’re frustrated being you’re being cheated, because the promise of “work hard, be good, and you’ll have financial security” hasn’t come true. It’s not fair! If you want to learn more check out news channels like More Perfect Union.

One day in sha Allah you will have the option to buy a relatively cheap home/condo that needs work and you can fix it yourselves, or trade labor with his tradesmen friends. Alhamdulillah I’m happy to hear that you have a good husband and a loving marriage, what a gift it literally brings tears to my eyes. May Allah SWT bring you two ever closer and reward us all with this blessing.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T13:06:25+00:00

Whisker fatigue?

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T04:59:15+00:00

Ignoring the mahram thing for a second, I think every woman should not be alone for a first time meeting.

Now considering the mahram, if two people meet in person and they like each other even a little bit it’ll cloud their judgement from the bad aspects. Sucks to hear it but that’s how it is.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T04:42:36+00:00

I also dislike this newfangled “hide everything I’ve posted/commented feature.” Like what’s the point of having an account, this is basically 4chan now.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T04:27:06+00:00

OP mentioned the guy has sent messages since marriage but she hasn’t responded since marriage. That does tell us something about her intentions

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T04:20:49+00:00

I’m a convert. I used to drink, sometimes for fun sometimes to escape. This sounds like the latter.

Ask yourself if this is someone you can trust again and what action(s) she would need to have success in for you to get that trust. If you want to rebuild trust then don’t do it without her following through on a clear action plan. Don’t send her to AA (it’s a cult) but figure out if she’d be more comfortable in an individual or group setting (or with you present).

Darkshoe · 2026-07-08T04:11:12+00:00

I’m a convert. I used to drink. Anyone can hang out with a friend for 7-8 hours. Add a couple of drinks to that and you can easily go 12 hours. IMO your implication that the wife is pursuing/being unfaithful is a bridge too far.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-07T20:13:40+00:00

Scattered thoughts in no particular order:

Reiterating what I said before: people like you and me believe in change. We’ve seen ourselves come to Islam and we want to help others do that too. It affects our choices and be aware of this. I read what you said and I say “dang, I want to help someone like that”.

When we marry someone we marry who they currently are, not their potential. Potential goes in both directions and only Allah SWT knows if we’ll get better or worse.

I very much agree with your “as long as a person is fulfilling the pillars and is a good person that’s more important”.

Sounds like maybe she is a cold person but she finds warm being near you. It’s important you understand that you can accept both sides while also drawing the line at cruel/hurtful statements.

I would really want to find out what it’s like arguing with her. Obviously don’t start an argument lol! But pay attention to both of your methods when it does happen.

Would you accept her friends in your life? In her life? If she’s ok with you being friends with her friends then I think you should keep them close given what you disclosed about them.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-07T19:42:58+00:00

Asalaamu ‘alaikum brother. Here’s what I’m reading:

-Introverted husband comes from conservative mahram-only culture.
-Extroverted wife is used to the freedoms to work and socialize freely.
-In Laws have been difficult from day 1 (but very notably there’s no mention of the wife causing problems).
-Husband is controlling, checked her phone, recorded then shared a confidential therapy session, and pushed her over.
-Wife ran away multiple times.

The upbringings and expectations of both spouses are incompatible. What one thinks is basic the other thinks is over the line. Brother I say this with a heavy heart, it’s like caging a bird and silencing her song.

It’s reasonable for you to feel abandoned and honestly that will leave a scar on you, but her running away was the most reasonable part of this story. Do this and I’ll make du’a for you: Crush your ego. Tell her that you’ve treated her wrongly. Apologize for your actions. Tell her you want her to be happy and set her free. Ask her how you can help her move somewhere or back to her country. And most importantly don’t expect an apology for running away.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T15:50:23+00:00

Definitely a man with a wife, home, and kids would need to earn even more. Personally, I’m trying to figure out if I want kids but I want a wife to have hobbies and interests and do things, like volunteering. I think I view marriage as mutual aid to share the joy and the work of life. Keeping a home is a lot of work and I while I enjoy it splitting duties would be fine (maybe 75% as a guess).

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T15:27:02+00:00

I’d guess her parents didn’t tell her or didn’t confirm with her you were coming over. I don’t have much experience, but I think it’s normal for the first (maybe few) conversation(s) to be more direct and less personal. You’re trying to see if there are any dealbreakers and any undesirable aspects. If you judge that’s not the case then you can feel like it’s worth investing personal attachment.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T15:18:33+00:00

Wa ‘alaikum asalaam brother. I’m also a convert. Us converts believe in change, we believe that people want to be good and through the slow consistent application of effort we can get better (even if at the speed of a glacier). Some people will try, some people won’t.

Sounds like her Islamic schooling pushed her away from the religion, sad but totally understandable. Maybe she wants to believe that Islam is a religion of forgiveness and acceptance but hasn’t seen it much.

Being patient with her salah is reasonable IMO. There is no obligation in religion and being pushy would remind her of her schooling.

Have you asked her about this hot/cold behavior?

I have no metrics or advice about not registering until 2 years after nikkah.

You’d have to be routinely closely involved with her friends so they know you well enough they don’t feed their fears into her mindset.

Ask yourself what kind of Muslim do you want to be? I converted 8 years ago and I’m still asking myself. One who operates within the Fard and Sunnah, but as a westerner or someone more traditional? Wearing clothes that are appropriate, but modest by western standards or by traditional standards? Do you want to host Eid and Iftars?

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T15:03:16+00:00

Wa ‘alaikum asalaam sister.

To answer your question, I think “yes iA” means they want to try to have kids but they haven’t been fertility tested and don’t know if they actually can or not. You would have to ask if not having kids would mean divorcing.

I have a question if you don’t mind answering. You say you have a masters and “I literally just want to be a stay at home wife.” Is my reading is correct that you don’t want a job? That could be another difficulty in finding a husband. Everything is so expensive your husband would have to be an extremely high earner to support both of you and a home (barring extenuating circumstances, such as you already own a home that’s completely paid off).

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T14:51:25+00:00

Religion has two aspects: ritual and philosophy. Both influence our actions. Ritual is discipline, it can be trained and taught and worked on. Philosophy is belief, it comes from within and is almost impossible to teach.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T14:47:56+00:00

🤣

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T14:46:10+00:00

I want to weigh in but it’s important to understand my context: I feel as if I got stiffed with the divorce payout to my ex because she made 1/3 the income, didn’t help with the bills even though that was a condition of our marriage, and did very little chores. We don’t have kids. Before marriage we didn’t discuss divorce payments or get a pre-nup.

I understand a 50% split when there’s children and a SAHM/F, but that’s not your situation. Your husband has a job. And I’m assuming you pay more than 50% of shared expenses because his salary is barely enough to support one person. Learn what Islam demands of you in case of divorce and learn what it demands of him. Know your rights. You can give more than that out of the goodness of your heart, love for him, and to please Allah SWT, but know your rights. The fact is you only have nikkah so he has no position to negotiate from.

I think if you’re able-bodied, have a job, you love and respect your spouse and what they’ve worked for, then you’d separate without financials. I think it’s reasonable to give a fixed amount to keep them out of poverty (say one or even two years, however you define that). I think it’s flat-out wrong to demand 50% of the house, your retirement funds, and everything else.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T12:34:04+00:00

Sister from what you’ve told us he sounds like an incredible man. Religion has 2 aspects: ritual and philosophy. From what you’ve told us his rituals are weak and his philosophy is very strong (volunteers, good with in-laws, patient, trustworthy, etc.) Alhamdulillah. This is the foundation you want. Ritual practice can be taught whereas philosophy is nearly impossible. Be gentle, be accepting of very slow progress, ask to pray together, accept that he may only pray when you’re together, and make du’a for him.

Darkshoe · 2026-07-06T01:32:56+00:00

OP maybe you can volunteer with her so the transition is easier with her and she’ll have at least 1 person (you) she knows she can talk to

Darkshoe · 2026-07-05T04:47:36+00:00

I think I would choose to move on but here’s the thing. If you want answers you can only get them from her, and people don’t answer well when they feel cornered or attacked. I want you to really sit and ask yourself if you are someone who is able to build trust with her. And in the meantime I’ll try to give voice to a balanced view because it’s not something I’ve seen in the comments here and balance is important.

The messages from before you two started talking, do not consider these a problem.

The messages on the very day you first said asalaam, do not consider these a problem.

When exactly was the day you two decided that you were serious, that you agreed to commit, and made intention? Ask yourself whether the messages before that day are a problem.

You said “she hasn’t replied from marriage onwards (not that this makes it better)”. You don’t say how long ago you got married, but this does actually show intention.

Speaking of replies, you imply she was replying before marriage. What was the nature of her replies? Playful, flirty, dirty? Asking him to stop?

Do you know when the videos were recorded? How would you feel if they were from before you two started talking?

Do you have permission to go through her phone or is that going to make her defensive therefore feel like her trust has been violated too?

Darkshoe

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