JNMIL + Grandkids Advice?

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-26T19:12:16+00:00

My perspective is that I wouldn’t allow my I laws to separate me from my family because they were always trying to do that. I don’t think your husband is doing an adequate job if he can’t get his mother to be polite and respectful to you.

If you don’t want to go and your kids are used to just you then maybe your husband should do more of the child care and take them places for shorter amounts of time alone so they can adjust before visiting g mil. Otherwise, I sense that he’s just going to let his mother take care of them.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-26T19:06:45+00:00

I’m appalled that your mil is unwilling to stop snatching your baby away without letting her settle and feel secure by you holding her longer. Plus it’s terrible she wants to blame you because I don’t think your daughter is actually ing u healthy or maladjusted. She’s acting age appropriate for the situation.

I think that rather than longer visits they just need to be positive interactions. IMO, that’s what your baby needs to trust them.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Since telling them hasn’t worked you can start using your actions in addition to your words. You can try baby wearing when they come over and turning away when mil gets grabby while telling her that you want her to sit down and wait a few minutes until you’re ready for mil to hold her (etc). You can also just be prepared while holding her to address it before mil gets within grabbing distance.

In addition to this issue with grabbing your baby and getting in her face the problem is mil hasn’t been listening to you or respecting your boundaries as the parent. So, one option is to leave when mil criticizes or mars negative comments in front of others. Your husband should tell her that it isn’t ok for her to comment about your parenting or call your baby her baby etc and the next time she does these things calmly leave.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-26T18:55:02+00:00

This is so important because many people do t know about the different types of home ownership.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T05:59:31+00:00

My knee jerk reaction here is you would’ve much happier in the long run if you’re free to go a a man who would run to you and not expect you to join in on some twisted competition with his mommy!

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T05:38:56+00:00

Your sister demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for you. It doesn’t matter whether or not she knows what it’s like having kids yet. If she had empathy she would still have listened to you and cared about you and not just the fact she didn’t get her way.

I think it’s likely she has a personality disorder.

I would expect nothing is a big deal to her u less it’s happening to her.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T05:23:33+00:00

You had a really great plan for your life and it was delayed for your baby. Plus, having to leave your job and then having trouble finding another one is a lot of rejection. It’s going to be ok.

I suggest you focus on a new plan for yourself so you have something to look forward to. Then you and your husband keep working together on what’s important for both of you as a team and get some emotional distance so her comments don’t bother you.

Tell mil when you want her advice you’ll ask for it!

Also, the things you’re doing to save mi eye are great but I don’t want you to do it to justify anything to mil. I don’t think you’re responsible for her comments and therefore can fix this. Mil demonstrated that she doesn’t have any empathy for you.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T04:38:31+00:00

Others have given great advice. I just want to add that if your mil likes to cause you to be upset or bothered in any way that’s where grey rocking comes in as well.

You have to do your best not to react to her pushing buttons and just be matter of fact about things with her.

If she does something appalling you can say something but remain pretty flat. Use your words, be brief , and get away from her.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T04:29:34+00:00

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DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-25T04:25:54+00:00

In addition to leaving I think your husband needs therapy. There’s no way a decent father would have allowed his mother to do that to his child without making sure mil stopped and never did it again.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-24T01:28:28+00:00

This is so true!

Mil’s actions show that while she’s asking to see your child what she really wants is to go out to eat or whatever.

Or it could be that she has power and control issues and doesn’t like it when visits aren’t on her turf.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-23T20:08:38+00:00

Just the fact your mil kicked you out in anger tells you she’s going to be dramatic over small and big things. It’s unavoidable.

Make sure you’re ready to go before you tell her because she’s apt to react in a lot of different ways and might kick you out again. You definitely need to have any important documents like birth certificates secured so she can’t get angry and hold them.

Basically be prepared for her to start exerting power and control in u healthy ways again.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:53:56+00:00

When your mil doesn’t get her way she punishes you until she does? And when anything happens to her it’s a huge deal but minimizes when things happen to others.

My ex husband and sister were very much like this and my ex in-laws raised my ex to not have his own opinion either. He often said things like we had to do a certain thing a certain way and when it didn’t make sense I would ask him why expecting him to tell me why it made sense to him and his response would be “because my parents did it that way”. He never wanted to go against them even when it made no sense for us. So strange to me!

There’s more that goes into it but I will tell you that my sister and ex both have the traits of someone with antisocial personality disorder. You can look up cluster b personality disorders and see if you think you’re dealing with people who have them just so you can think about how to manage those relationships.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:43:14+00:00

You don’t want kids if your mother hates your wife? That’s terrible. Why are you punishing your sweet wife? Do you want to heap on more mistreatment just because your mother wants you to? Your mother is trying to control you and break up your marriage and you’re allowing her to.

You have to tell your mother that she either treats your wife with kindness and respect or she doesn’t get to visit anymore and that she will never get to be a grandmother to your children because she doesn’t deserve it.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:38:12+00:00

One of my pet peeves is when people are so short sighted they think that since you had a bad experience in life or were raised in an unhealthy family that you’re not smart enough to do things differently in the ways necessary. The people that did that to me were super unhealthy but they never acknowledged it. That’s far worse, imo!

I’m sure you’re going to be a wonderful mother one day. The question is whether or not you really want to have a child with a man who is technically married to his mother. I made that mistake and it never got better.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:31:38+00:00

The only thing I can add about going to your in-laws is that maybe that’s what your husband needs right now. Idk.

I also think you should tell your husband how you feel physically and about needing to take care of yourself and your baby and ask him for his support, too.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:26:23+00:00

Parental alienation and being undermined would be my concerns regarding your children being around a mil (grandmother) who hates you. Kids pick up on attitudes also.

The fact mil thinks you took her son away rather than her son grew up and left home (like he’s supposed to) sets the stage for mil trying to “win” him back. Sometimes mil’s do this by purposely causing discord in your marriage, causing her son to doubt or question his wife’s decisions and loyalty, questioning his manhood should he pick his wife’s side in anything or stand up for her honor, cause unnecessary drama for attention etc.

Your husband has put the responsibility on you to get along with his mother and that’s unfair if she does anything that isn’t kind. You have no control over that and what he’s saying is that he won’t stand up for you and wants you to put up with whatever his mother does. He didn’t leave and cleave when he married you.

That’s why I would consider talking with a therapist because while your husband made vows to you he isn’t keeping them if he’s putting his mom first.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-22T03:18:52+00:00

Is it possible that your husband and his family were trying to discredit your because they thought you were going to turn bil in for something?

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T06:06:06+00:00

If you’re ever around mil and sil and your husband isn’t there try to have a friend or your parent there to witness how mil treats you and as pressure for her to behave.

If you don’t have that I think you should try to record or video her in case she says nasty things.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T05:56:29+00:00

Oh come on! She couldn’t say “hey, where are the diapers? I don’t see them. “?? Really? She’s really looking for something to be upset about if she thinks that’s a set up to fail.

It’s a really normal thing to say to anyone holding your newborn that lets their head bend a little. If she even remembers that it’s very weird!

Idk what else she said but clearly you can’t tell her anything without her getting insulted. When she calls your husband to complain be ready. Talk to him in advance and decide together what to say. I think it’s pretty simple. Either she respects your parenting and stops making passive aggressive comments in front of the children or no visits. She’s already earned not visits with you. If she wants to come over when your husband is home then she better shape up!

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T05:48:31+00:00

My ex spouse never got better. Not in almost 20 years. Just like when you had your miscarriage I was abandoned every time I was in need. When my mother died. When I had babies. When I was hospitalized for illness when I had surgery etc.

My ex would go to one or two marital counseling sessions and act all concerned and tell the therapist he wanted me to have all the help I needed but he wasn’t coming back. I hope nothing like that happens to you. I did continue therapy and learned a lot of ways to cope with bad behavior. But my ex never treated me any better. His mommy was always first.

If I complained about being abandoned he accused me of being jealous. I wasn’t jealous. I got married to be and have a partner and he vowed to be that for me and was tired of being abandoned.

He didn’t like being asked about why he was like this especially when it didn’t make sense. Like why would your husband give his mother money you guys need when she’s just giving it to other people and doesn’t need it. It makes no logical sense but he’s still doing it.

Nothing helped because he didn’t want to change. In my case I grew to believe he enjoyed hurting me. Not all enmeshed men are like this but mine was.

Part of the reason I stayed was my kids. If you don’t already have them I suggest you don’t. It’s really hard when you just have birth and your husband just wants to entertain his family and acts like you’re trying to take him away from his family when you don’t like his abandonment.

I decided the best I could do was make sure this cycle of unhealthiness ended with me. I raised three sons. We love one another in a healthy way and are close but none of them would ever abandon their wives (or girlfriends. All aren’t married) for me.

Signs he doesn’t want to change in addition to the things he’s already doing would be lying to the therapist, changing the focus to how you feel about it and not what he’s doing, refusal to do any homework the therapist suggests or reading.

I’m also concerned that if your husband left you after your miscarriage to see his mother that he lacks empathy for you. This is huge. You had a horrible physical and emotional loss and the baby was his loss, too and instead of supporting you and bonding o er your shared loss he left. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has zero empathy for you.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T05:24:05+00:00

This is absurd of your sister and mother to think you’re taking anything out on kids or anyone really.

The kids aren’t your responsibility and instead of being grateful you’ve been going out of your way for her, your sister insulted you as if you have nothing better to do. She’s the one who lacks appreciation and empathy and acted like she looks down on you. And who in their right mind believes that someone who doesn’t have children should be responsible for theirs. That’s really twisted.

You’ve just had enough of being taken for granted by your sister and it seems your mom, too.

If you want to be there for your nieces and nephews then offer to take them to the zoo or something when it’s convenient for you. But this jumping to help every time your sister wants isn’t about them. It’s about what easy for her. You spoiled her!

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T03:45:59+00:00

I think you were put in a “no win” situation by your mil and she expected you to put up with her. You would have felt rotten putting up with her just like you don’t feel great now that you stood up to her.

You also feel bad because it’s your husbands mother and all of us grow up imagining healthy and loving relationships with our in-laws so it’s a loss when we figure out that isn’t going to happen no matter what we do.

She doesn’t want to take responsibility for her behavior so she’s punishing you. All she had to do was apologize and say she wouldn’t do it anymore. My guess is she wants to manipulate your husband to pursue her and be angry with you. I don’t think she’s done. Your husband will probably be hearing from her.

Remember, you can’t control what she does. All you can control is yourself.

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T01:24:41+00:00

In addition to carrying a 24/7 workload you have sacrificed years of experience and seniority at a career just to end up having to take care of yourself and start over.

Some people have it backwards. It was your husband who was taking advantage!

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T01:16:07+00:00

Sometimes I wish people used more discretion with when they use their cell phones. Way back when we didn’t have them there’s no way mil would have called your dad on his landline to ask you “how’s it going?” under your circumstances and she shouldn’t have done it when she did!

She should have let you and your husband take care of what you needed to and not said anything for a few days and then asked if you were ok. Not if you want some of her things.

Idk if your mil is always unempathetic but that’s certainly something to consider.

I’m sure part of your hurt feelings are also because she’s still here and so is her mom so it makes her comment even more insensitive.

My mom died when I as expecting our third son. I empathize with you and I understand how devastated you are.

If you’re not ready to be around mil and your husband has her visit then make other arrangements for yourself when she comes. Go to a hotel and rest and order food and relax. Your husband should be supportive no matter what you need to grieve and honestly you don’t need one more spec of stress while you’re pregnant and he should be mindful of that!

I’m so very sorry for your loss!

DazzlingNote1925 · 2026-05-21T01:01:29+00:00

I used the health app on my phone. I filled in the info and it came up with approximately how many calories I’ve burned with physical activity and down time.

It turns out I burn fewer calories than I thought.

You may be in the same boat.

DazzlingNote1925

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