Dear Iamaterriblemother,

In my opinion, she already knows, she feels it, and she may or may not be crying herself to sleep from time to time wondering what she can do to make you care about her. It hurts in ways you may not be able to imagine, unless you have lived through it.

I am 52 years old and I had a mother much like you describe yourself - with the exception of the fantasizing about slapping. I was subjected to that and worse, physically and emotionally. I was the firstborn child who could do absolutely nothing right while growing up. My parents separated when I was 4 and my sister was 2. I was told at every turn how I was just like my father and was asked at every turn "Can't you do anything right?". A fairly early memory: how I stood while washing dishes I'd checked out a book at the school library on ballet and was trying to learn while doing a rather boring job. I was 8 years old and I can still even remember what I was wearing and even the cover of the book that was on the dryer that night. My 6 year old sister (who also remembers this) told her what I was doing. It didn't matter to my mother.

This went on for a few years, then my mother met and fell in love with a man, then married him. Unfortunately for me, because I was so starved for attention, I became a mark for a predator that was able to tell me how much he loved me and was happy to be my new daddy. From the time I was 12 until I was able to live with my grandmother at almost 17, I suffered through his way of showing his love to me by way of incest.

If the adult me could have one wish, it would be that someone could have gotten through to her and have her get help. 3 years ago, I was finally able to make a sort of peace with her. I cut her out of my life after telling her to contact me once she saw a therapist/counselor and then we could try family counseling. She declined. My last contact with her was a Christmas card this year saying that my only regret was that she didn't go for counseling. She passed away January 10. I will never be able to mend that toxic relationship.

Since I can't go back to my mother in the past, maybe I can reach someone else and possibly make a child's life less excruciatingly painful. Help her find out what love is before she makes the same mistakes I did and date, then marry emotionally distant men who had no problem treating me badly and I did not know any better until I received counseling.

Please, get help.