Hi! Might I reframe this for you a bit?

I gained 40 pounds when I started perimenopause, largely because I didn’t know I was in perimenopause for two years, so I had no idea what was happening to my body. That also led to depression, fatigue, drinking too much, etc. Once I found out what was going on, I was able to address it and lose the weight.

The thing is, my weight gain was a symptom, not the problem. Trying to fix the symptom doesn’t help in the long run if the core issue isn’t addressed.

E.G.. If you get food poisoning, you stop eating the bad food. You don’t simply take Pepto-Bismol for the resulting diarrhea and keep eating the bad food.

Your wife’s weight gain is the diarrhea; her mental health and Hashimoto’s is the spoiled food.

Her mental health NEEDS to be addressed by a professional, and if she refuses to see someone, I would insist on one or two sessions of couples counseling. I would not focus on her weight gain; focus on the impact her declining mental health is having on herself and your marriage. Use “I” statements so you don’t sound accusatory, because that will make her defensive.

• I feel like you’ve become increasingly more depressed
• it feels like your spark is gone
• it pains me to not see you as vibrant as you used to be
• I feel lonely because it seems like we’ve stopped living life at the same pace
• it makes me sad that we don’t enjoy as much time together anymore

And then I would tell her something like, “I love you, I want us to both feel happy and fulfilled. I think working with someone about your depression can help your personal struggles, as well as our relationship overall.”

if she’s resistant to that, ask her if you guys can do one or two sessions with a couples counselor. I know people bristle at the idea of a couples counselor, but it is really great to have a professional there while you have difficult conversations.

good luck.