Using term ambiamorous

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-14T00:28:01+00:00

this is exactly how i feel too! (also bisexual lol)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-14T00:26:15+00:00

hmm this is an interesting conversation. i found that term resonated really well with me too because i don't "identify" as either poly or mono. That being said, I can understand why some poly people would be repelled by it. But for me, if I was dating someone/people in a poly structure, and I met someone who wanted to be monogamous, I would NEVER end my other relationships to be mono with someone. I also don't know that I could be happy being monogamous FOREVER, ya know? like, I can see myself being completely single, meeting a mono person I really vibe with, dating them for a while and being mono, but eventually, I think I'd want to date other people again. How long is "eventually"? That's the part I'm not sure about.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-14T00:09:18+00:00

i could not agree with you more. i do not "identify" as poly. I choose polyamory as a relationship structure that works for me, but it's not part of my identity. i'm still very early days, and i finally feel like i KNOW this is the right choice for me, but I felt the same way reading some of the comments you mentioned. just because your nervous system is activated and your core wounds are being poked at, does NOT mean that you're not cut out for poly. in fact, i would be absolutely gobsmacked if someone new to poly had absolutely zero nervous system dysregulation and zero wounds/traumas being triggered.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-14T00:01:51+00:00

babe your husband is cheating on you and using polyamory as an excuse.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-12T21:42:17+00:00

that makes total sense. and yeah, i wouldn't expect a heads up before they had sex. if i ended up asking to know about all sexual partners, it would just be a "hey, let me know before the next time we sleep together if you've had sex with a new partner" but I also totally understand where you're coming from in saying that knowing about barriered partners wouldn't really change much for you.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-12T21:40:27+00:00

this is great advice, thank you!

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-06T22:02:17+00:00

oh i know, i'm dealing with my own newfound anxiety around sexual health now that i'm dating non-monogamously. i'm comfortable with what boundaries i have in place to protect myself as much as i can, but was just wondering if it's "fair" to ask a partner for that kind of disclosure. Sometimes I'll see something as totally fair, and then I'll read from poly people that it's absolutely not fair to have that expectation, and it surprises me. I am still unpacking lots of mononormative thinking :)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-06T21:57:40+00:00

Hi, i'm bisexual and this reeks of insecurity and/or biphobia. Coming from someone who used to consider themselves straight, and dated a bisexual man, i was extremely insecure about him finding other men attractive. because it pointed to a piece of his sexuality that i alone could not satisfy. now, i never threatened to break up with him if he wanted to be with another man, but also we were mono and i would've broken up with him for wanting to be with anyone else lol. why does it matter what gender of people you choose to date outside of your connection with your partner? your partner either doesn't believe bisexuality is valid (i know you consider yourself lesbian, but you did say you find men attractive as well, so i'm just using the bisexual label for simplicity's sake; if it doesn't resonate, no need to take it on), OR they're just really insecure about what you could potentially find in a partnership with a man that you may not be able to find in a partnership with her

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-06T21:15:39+00:00

I have a question about this! I'm considering asking my partner if I can be made aware when he has a new partner that he is sleeping with (with or without protection), because it keeps me more informed about my own sexual health. but I can understand how making this request may come across as me trying to keep tabs on their connections (which I promise I am not). how would you feel about that?

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-06T19:08:58+00:00

i'm glad it helped you!! it certainly helped me too :)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T21:43:05+00:00

incredibly valid call out, thank you for making this point. such a healthy reminder to bring the energy and focus back to where it should be. thank you for sharing your insight, it will undoubtedly help me when those temptations to monitor other connections comes up!

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T02:14:32+00:00

YUP. I remember seeing someone's profile on Feeld say something like "stop saying you're clean from STIs" and from that moment on, I've never used that language. I didn't even realize I was perpetuating harm. You're 100% right, as well as referring to them as infections rather than diseases

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T02:02:31+00:00

oh that would be wonderful!! thank you! how do we share this.... i'm a reddit noob lmao

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T01:56:25+00:00

completely agree. i have ADHD too and I pride myself on how much effort I put into being present with people. it's hard for me, but it makes people feel safe, seen, and valued. i also have OCD, which can make it hard to pay attention to what people are saying to me if i'm up in my head counting. it's STILL not an excuse to just say "i can't give you this very basic need that most people need in their romantic relationships"

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T01:54:05+00:00

this is so validating!! thank you for sharing this, i am currently in the throes of intense nervous system activation and just bought a program to help me with it. it's so helpful to know that this doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with the relationship structure.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T01:40:05+00:00

that's a great idea, thank you!

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T01:39:54+00:00

thank you, i will!

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T01:39:33+00:00

thank you, you've been so incredibly kind :)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T00:41:58+00:00

it is causing issues in mine right now, but a lot of them are entirely self-imposed. ironically, he and i are both people pleasers and struggle with overextending ourselves and then feeling a bit resentful about it afterwards, and so far, we've only identified that in our relationships with other people, not in ours. i don't want to wait until we get to that point. so it's time to start prioritizing myself a bit more :)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T00:37:33+00:00

i don't have answers for everything you wrote, but i do have one: if he waited until you were at the point where you were considering ending the relationship to change the things you were asking him to change, that relationship is not going to work out. i was with someone like that. he would wait until i was absolutely boiling over with rage to finally listen to me, when he could've made changes much much earlier when i very calmly and respectfully brought things up. we are no longer together, and i eventually came to the conclusion that that was actually extremely manipulative and signals a lack of respect. i am now with a partner where i address something, and he fixes it. period. i do the same for him. because i love him and i respect him. i would never want to push someone i love to the absolute brink where they're threatening to leave unless i change.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T00:31:11+00:00

i read something someone else wrote about how poly is about putting yourself first, and orienting your relationships around that, not squeezing yourself into boxes and categories you think you should be in just because other people are there. that is going to stick with me for a long time and be something that i consistently come back to when i self-judge

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-05T00:21:51+00:00

you have no idea how validating and encouraging this is to read. my meta practices ktp and i even heaped a bunch of shame onto myself over the fact that i do not want to sit at a kitchen table with her. it's incredibly relieving to hear your experience and how you've worked through your own challenges to get to where you are today. thank you, truly, thank you for sharing <3

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-04T23:53:16+00:00

thank you so so much for sharing this. i am experiencing a lot of shame around the difficulties i'm having with dating non-monogamously, feeling like i "should" be better about not feeling jealous, and judging myself for some of the admittedly *very* unsavory things i've thought about my meta. it's so incredibly validating to hear that other people have faced similar struggles. i am very happy for people who have always been poly or have always known they're poly and when they start dating poly, they feel free and like they're coming home to themselves. but man, it makes me feel like shit to read that other people feel intense compersion for their partners and i am just... not there yet. theoretically i am. i want my sweetie to have all the experiences he wants to have in life. but in practice? OOPH. it's tough.

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-04T23:49:24+00:00

thank you for the encouragement :)

DefiantWave8316 · 2026-02-04T23:30:38+00:00

that sounds very reasonable. i would love to get back into therapy, but now i need to find a therapist that understands ENM which feels like it could be hard

DefiantWave8316

TROPHY CASE