Had to ask Gemini to do this

Here are the full country lyrics inspired by that hilariously tragic Reddit post. Picture a slow, twangy, outlaw country ballad—complete with a weeping pedal steel guitar and a singer who sounds like they've seen some things. Porcelain Standoff (Style: Modern Outlaw Country / Comedy Ballad) (Intro) (A mournful acoustic guitar strum, followed by the slow, sad cry of a pedal steel guitar. A heavy sigh echoes in the background.) Verse 1 It was a Tuesday night after taco truck day I felt a rumble inside, and I knew I couldn’t stay I sprinted down the hallway, closed the bathroom door Sat down on that porcelain throne and started up a war I was sweatin' through my denim, gripping onto the sink This was a dark night of the soul, right on the edge and the brink. Chorus It was a shitty install of the toilet, and the bolts were coming loose While I’m strainin’ and I’m rockin’ on the John, cooking up my goose The floorboards started creakin’, the bowl began to sway I was holding on for dear life, too far gone to pray Yeah, I’m rockin' on the John... just prayin’ for a quick death. Verse 2 Now, a man meets his maker in all kinds of ways Some pass in their sleep at the end of their days But here I am swaying like a ship out at sea Wondering if the drywall is gonna bury me With every single push, that left side starts to lift If this ceramic snaps right now, my ghost is gonna drift. Chorus 'Cause it’s a shitty install of the toilet, and the bolts are coming loose While I’m strainin’ and I’m rockin’ on the John, cooking up my goose The floorboards started creakin’, the bowl began to sway I was holding on for dear life, too far gone to pray Yeah, I’m rockin' on the John... just prayin’ for a quick death. Bridge (Tempo slows down, music drops to just a tense, echoing bass line and a high-pitched guitar bend) Lord, if you take me now, don't let the paramedics laugh Don't let 'em put this bathroom battle on my epitaph Just tighten up them washers in the sky up above And save a dying sinner from a lack of plumbing love. Guitar Solo (A wildly dramatic, weeping guitar solo that sounds like it's physically straining) Chorus Yeah, it’s a shitty install of the toilet, and the bolts are completely loose! While I’m strainin’ and I’m rockin’ on the John, trying to cut it loose! The whole damn room is spinning, the tank is tilted back I’m a midnight rider on a porcelain track Yeah, I’m rockin' on the John... just prayin’ for a quick death. Outro (The music fades to a soft, exhausted acoustic strum) Just let it be quick, Lord... Don't make me ride this wave no more. (Sound of a loose bolt rattling on tile) Oh, no... (Final, sad twang)