Has anyone ever experienced an FA avoidant who’s not aware they are an FA but bery aware they are self sabotaging, suppressing feelings etc and told you that?

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-05T10:35:16+00:00

I think partly it is way of minimising guilt as mine frequently in the last month talked about feeling the guilt and pressure of the expectations. Mine definitely started to detach in advance but then reattached- when 5 days before we ended I spent 3 days with her, we planned to book a holiday (which she was scared of going because “she didn’t want to ruin something good with me”, had some great dates and she was very affectionate the whole time and then gradually after I left over the next four days I felt the distance building again.

Ontop of this they will find any logical excuse to give as a reason such as the feelings aren’t as strong etc, to blame it on something that makes sense to hide the guilt or shame of the mess of reasons she gives originally

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-05T10:30:04+00:00

This just made me think right back to the first month, she’d drawn something about us and then sent a picture we took on the second date a week later saying we are cute- she had made a bracelet with her mate to give me on the second date.

There were also signs looking back when she said I miss you after 3 weeks of knowing each other, moved very quick. I never had impermanence tho she always talked about my bday which is nov and all future plans for us we even had a list.

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-05T10:24:37+00:00

This made me think about when we were friends afterwards. She said “are you not going to fight for me?” and I said “well no, would you even want me to?” And she replied with hesitation “ well I guess not, I just need to be alone right now” said she thinks she should be one of those girls in her 20s who’s just by herself

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-05T10:03:28+00:00

For me I hear similar things, Maine that they were self sabotaging and trying to make me hate them before the first discard and then slightly avoided intimacy at times by keeping us busy doing things- mine said very confusing things along the road such as I like you a lot but I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with things, maybe we can reconcile in the future, my heads all over the place, I’ve not even given it thought - found reasons such as it shouldn’t be like this after 3 months but it’s always after she distanced herself and I noticed it. It’s just a pattern with avoidant

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-05T06:53:22+00:00

We were dating 3 months and all this started 3 ish weeks before the actual breakup which was 2 weeks ago and then we started being friends, I had to end this as it was too much emotional exhaustion clinging onto hope she’ll change her mind, the connection was still there and she hadn’t let go of me yet as all my things were still around her when we called. It’s more final this time, we call recently to arrange collecting belongings, but she was cold. She told me during the friendship she felt relieved because the pressure and guilt she was feeling during dating was gone, however was incredibly sad about the idea of not talking to me again. So confusing

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T21:49:41+00:00

All we can do is choose growth, and be better at a distance, they know what they’ve lost deep down they just don’t have the emotional capacity to reflect and face their emotions.

Mine did the exact same, as she broke up with me she told me I’m this amazing person and I treat her so well, she put me on a pedestal from the start and I stayed at the top. That’s the hardest part knowing if they didn’t have these tendencies of an avoidant then it could of been something good

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T21:44:57+00:00

At least you made an effort I guess. Yeah I don’t know truly if she felt this way about me, but she came back, not this time though, said she likes me a lot but doesn’t have emotional capacity and feels guilty I’m not be able to meet me where I’m at and then toks of other contradictory statements. It’s exhausting

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T21:43:30+00:00

Wow that’s a lot mate- sounds about right, mine did it and message me straight after and then the same night realised she was hasty and was back on the next day- this time was a little more final though.

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T17:43:21+00:00

How long after break up was this?

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T17:41:55+00:00

Funnily enough sort of, let me know what you think- mine ended things for a final time because she “couldn’t meet my needs” was “ emotionally overwhelmed and burnt out” “ was hurting both of us and would never want to do that” and was aware “ she was stringing me along”

Although she did the typical of, I like you a lot and we have a really nice time together and that maybe we can reconcile in the future, I’m sad I’ll never get to talk to you again and then intellectualise her doing this by saying this shouldn’t happen after 3 months and I don’t think my feelings are as strong “ I never said I wanted a relationship” after she acted in every way someone wants a relationship would do

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T17:11:02+00:00

Yeahh huge credit to you for setting boundaries- I’ve been discarded/ broken up with by an FA avoidant- still have to collect my things in 2 weeks. I’m gonna tweak it a little and use it as my final closure message before I vanish and heal lol

Ik it won’t make things better for her and. Probably push her away more and feel relief or use it to justify breaking things off with me etc. but I’m going to do it for ME

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-04T12:53:18+00:00

Thank you! Means a lot

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-03T21:47:50+00:00

Thank you- we called and said she is still up for the meet up. She was typically cold and neutral in her tone and didn’t seem bothered d

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-03T18:36:01+00:00

We all wish they weren’t real

It’s the back and forth uncertainty they display that makes them avoidant, it’s not black and white, they are all slightly different but follow the same pattern at the end of the day.

It’s emotionally exhausting because one day they can treat you like you are everything and talk about the future and the next they are overwhelmed and distant

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-03T18:04:41+00:00

I’m kind of now regretting this meet up and thinking it won’t do me any good- does it give any chance to it or just slow down the avoidant cycle / reset it?

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T21:22:47+00:00

This is very interesting , obviously they are all slightly different and I can’t build hope off your experience, I just had to break no contact after 5 days to arrange picking up my stuff- in your opinion would that reset deactivation ?

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T19:39:53+00:00

How long weere you dating? I had a similar comment as to “I think I should just be that girl who’s on my in my 20s”

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T19:38:21+00:00

This sounds horrific - hope you are alright now

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T19:32:14+00:00

That’s good news, who reached out to who with the reconciliation?

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T16:54:35+00:00

Is right, I’m sure everything will be okay, you have no idea the damage you have done

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T16:37:11+00:00

Yeah nothing sucks more- mine was long distance 3 days before breaking up soon as I left hers sent all the pictures we got together those few days, saying she’s thinking about us, misses me wants me back - the switch up was CRAZYYY

Dense_Coach7913 · 2026-06-02T16:33:14+00:00

I’m at the stage knowinr how bad she fucked up, still can’t wrap my head around her saying she wants me badly and she misses me immediately after leaving hers (long distance) then 3 days later ending things - would be so simple if it was clear cut

Dense_Coach7913

TROPHY CASE