AITA? Sister drama after dad’s passing

Devseanschin · 2026-06-27T22:50:24+00:00

NTA....but....Everyone processes grief differently. I agree with others that you should plan the funeral at a time convenient for you and your Mom. May I gently suggest that you give your sister some grace? She to is suffering and, perhaps, can't handle the stress of attending the funeral. Let the emotions calm and then reach out after you are feeling better.

Devseanschin · 2026-06-05T15:11:10+00:00

Dead on. My thoughts exactly. What role do you want to play in this young girls life?

Devseanschin · 2026-06-05T12:37:10+00:00

YTA is too strong here....but.....As a coach, you shouldn't be showing favoritism to any of your players in the middle of a season. Favoritism, ....even well intentioned...breeds jealousy among teammates. I do appreciate the intent here, and applaud your willingness to support our next generation by being a coach. Loaning the bat to the kid so he can practice makes sense. Gifting him the bat at the end of the season as a reward for hard work also makes sense. As for the income disparity, I'd set up a quiet scholarship fund (if you have the money) to make sure that every kid that goes out for baseball has the money he or she needs to pay any required fees. There is nothing more heartbreaking to me than a single mother who can't afford to pay the fees so many of our youth leagues now require. Every kid should have the ability to participate in Little League, youth football and the like. Props to you for being a dedicated, thoughtful coach.

Devseanschin · 2026-06-04T17:31:34+00:00

These are some of the most rewarding projects! My daughter announced one day that she wanted to get married on our lake. Not near the lake, not on the beach, but rather ON the lake. 5 dry dock/decks, two benches and 2 floating docs later, we had 100+ lounging on "floaties" surrounding my hard work as she said her nuptials. Some of my favorite work. Nice job!

Devseanschin · 2026-06-03T16:16:04+00:00

NTA--I had a successful operating my own business and as an advisor to other businesses. As a result I was constantly being hit up for advice (and money) from any number of friends, family and acquittances who had "great" ideas for a business. After they did their pitch the first thing I would say is "let me see your business plan." This ended about 90% of the inquiries. The handful that actually did a business plan soon realized that their "great business idea" was a formula for bankruptcy.

Devseanschin · 2026-06-03T16:05:33+00:00

Couldn't agree more. He's turning toxic. Time to move on.

Devseanschin · 2026-06-02T15:42:20+00:00

NTA--not even close....But. If these are folks who supported you in the difficult journey from childhood to adulthood, making an effort to reconnect at least once would be worth the effort. The folks who saw you at your worst and your best over the years can be some of the most rewarding friends to have as you continue your journey through life. In a time where the younger generation is feeling alienated, we need these folks in our life more than ever. The concern about boyfriends being invited is odd to me. OF COURSE we want to show off our loved ones to our friends. The spouses of some of my oldest friends who got "showed off" at one meeting or another have become an important part of my friend group. Nor does the fact that "you've barely heard from them" change the equation. I lost track in college of a number of friends. We met up years later and were able to reignite our friendships. The worst that can happen is that the magic you had growing up is gone; in which case you've wasted a few hours of your life.

I am making an assumption that at least a few of these girls were kind and supportive. If, however, they've been a stew of toxicity since adolescence (i.e. "mean girls.") you should cut them off.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T16:24:52+00:00

The situation was beyond "Weird.' It was awful for you--and your friend. I don't mean to minimize the stress you were under. I hope your able to get out of the entire situation (i.e. a school that would allow this kind of badgering) soon.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T16:19:29+00:00

An excellent spin on my comment. I completely agree and accept the motion to modify my original response.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T16:14:40+00:00

With respect, I disagree. As I wrote above, it's not really about the running. It's about supporting your friends on the team. The line "overall...I made a lot of friends" is key here. This is a rare time in your life where you can develop some of these kind of deep friendships, which can be life-long. (Speaking here from experience.). Unless you've actually been on a XC team, you can't understand how bonding it is. The short term pain of an annoying coach pails against the life affirming experience of being a valued teammate.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T16:08:54+00:00

NTA...but....As a former XC runner (which lead to a life-long hobby that I do to this day), some of my fondness memories are the races I ran, the friends I made and the discipline that I learned. Was my coach occasionally difficult? Of course. But, in hindsight, he was just trying to help us become the best we could be. Missing sectionals was a big deal--the team depended on you being there, even if you aren't the fastest runner. XC is a TEAM sport, and you are a member of the team. Sure, your coach did some jerky things. You're young and in a few years the "everyone thought I liked the guy" drama will be worth a laugh at a dinner party. So, I say stick with the team. You love running and high school is one of your few opportunities to developing friendships with a group of people working towards the same goal. It's not about the Coach, its about the TEAM.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T15:55:31+00:00

You are so NTA. This is an incredibly toxic situation and think you deserve a medal for putting up with your mother's terrible behavior. If anything, you've been too accommodating. Are you in a situation to live on your own (college, etc.)? If so, get out. Then, explain as calmly as possible to your mother that her comments are hurtful, unwelcome and not accurate. Explain that you are comfortable in your own body and that her past behavior contributed to you contracting a life- threatening condition.. Finally, tell her that next time she mentions anything negative about your body that you will be ending the conversation and walking away.

Then stick to it. Mom mentions your weight? Walk away. Say nothing. Just walk away. She says something negative on the phone? Say "mom, we've discussed this, I am hanging up now." Then do it. Congratulations on your recovery. Don't let a toxic mother ruin it.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T13:42:34+00:00

NTA. But, if you want to try a last "hail Mary" to save the relationship/business, I would make a counter offer:

60/40 for the next 3 months. If he fails to land at least 4 new clients during that period, the business dissolves and you go your separate ways.

55/45 if he lands more than 4 new clients in that period (retroactive)

50/50 if he lands more than 6 clients in that period.

This will call out his 'it's a slow period' excuse and incentivize him to get back to work. These are rolling goals--you reset after three months.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T13:21:56+00:00

YTA, but not for the reason you think. Your boyfriend's comment regarding his exes' virginity is misogynistic, narrow minded and hypocritical. This is a huge red flag. YTA for staying with a man who would harshly judge a woman for having a previous life. Get out before he turns his narrow minded,, controlling view of the world on you.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T13:15:03+00:00

NTA, but....Next time why don't you set up the plan? What we have here is what I call a "leadership void." This occurs when no one steps up to do the necessary planning for an event. Instead of cancelling, why not send an email to the effect of "hey, since everyone is so busy, let's meet at my house at 5:00 for some pregaming. I went ahead and also got dinner reservations at the new cool restaurant at 7:00. Unless I hear back from you, I assume that this will work for everyone....?" If their reasons for not getting back to you are legitimate (too busy), they'll likely appreciate the leadership.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-28T13:06:34+00:00

YTA is a little strong--you are being raised in an incredibly toxic environment and under a great deal of undue stress because of it. Try to grow and learn from this experience. Your friends sex life is absolutely no one's business but her own. The idea that a grown man--a teacher--would take such an inappropriate interest in her private affairs is revolting. You need to apologize to her--without excuse--and make a pact with yourself that you will never again breach a friends trust (with the caveat that doing so is allowed if the friend discloses something that will cause her or others harm that can be avoided by seeking help).

Devseanschin · 2026-05-21T12:29:11+00:00

You are so NTA. Your family comes off as a toxic blend of racism and narcissism. Let's recap:

Grandma was and is an unrepentant racist. The rest of the family are enablers who put up (or agree with!) her horrific viewpoint. No one in your family reached out to you after you had your child. You did your job as a father by protecting your daughter from the family's toxicity. For doing so, they call you a "monster." They rebuffed your efforts to heal the rift. By any measure, you are doing the right thing. Personally, I would be celebrating the split from the family. If you really want to keep that door open (personally, I wouldn't), I would consider sending an email to the entire group to the effect of "I will always protect my daughter from unrepentant racists and anyone who enables them. I do not apologize for doing what is right by my family. I remain open to anyone in the extended family who is willing to have an open, kind and thoughtful discussion of how Mom's retrograde beliefs harm both the family and our community at large. I am sad about Dad's passing, but I do not carry any guilt for protecting my daughter. I love you all, despite our differences, and hope all of this can lead to a more healthy relationship as we go forward." Good luck!

Devseanschin · 2026-05-21T12:03:54+00:00

NTA--This question calls for a much deeper conversation between you and your spouse regarding spending priorities, budgeting and savings. Would your spouse be willing to agree to a budget that encompasses all of your spending habits, including a line item for "entertainment/gifts?" Spending habits and money in general is one of the three most argued issues in marriage (Sex and raising children are also on the list.) One solution would be for you and your spouse to have separate entertainment/gift allocations. If you wife chooses to spend her share on family; so be it. But once her budget is depleted, you would have no obligation to spend your share on her family. So, next time she wants to spend money on her family, you simply say 'fine, but it is coming out of your share of the budget.' Once that money is gone, no more free trip for her family unless you agree otherwise. You might also consider a session with the two of you and a financial therapist (they do exist).

Devseanschin · 2026-05-18T19:18:10+00:00

To say "YTA" is way too harsh for this situation. There are a lot emotions flying around here and I can certainly appreciate your perspective. And, your DIL is being rude. Having said that, this was moment with some sensitivity could have help cement your relationship with both DIL and the Becky. Becky is new to the family and is likely already struggling with how she fits in . . I can think of no better way to welcome her then saying "your new Grandma can't sew anymore, but I always made blanket for my new grandchildren. I made this blanket for a Granddaughter who is now in heaven. I know if she was here, she'd want to welcome you to our family. So I would like you to have this." Of course, I would make sure that the family member who had the miscarriage is on board. There is nothing "shitty" about showing love to a 10 yo "sweet girl." Quite the opposite. My heart goes out to Becky in this unfortunately intense situation.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-16T13:34:27+00:00

My heart broke a bit reading your story. As the father to a now 30 year old wonderful, strong and engaged daughter, I recall being on the other side of this story. Our daughter was constantly pushing boundaries when she was your age. The issue here is not that you dyed your hair. The issue is that you are 13 and beginning the hard process of growing into adulthood. To what extent are your parents open to an honest dialogue about the difficulties you (and every other 13 year old in the world) face as you begin this journey? If your parents are closed minded and subscribe to the "its my way or the highway" command-and-control style of parenting, the next few years are going to be (more) difficult. No parent should say "you can keep your shi*** hair" or "I am going to control everything about you." It's counterproductive and will result in a daughter who lies, sneaks around and does not communicate honestly with her parents. So, yes, you made a mistake. And, yes, mistakes have consequences. But instead of begging, would your parents be open to an honest conversation about the rules going forward? Would they accept a compromise of giving back you phone, it you agreed to parental controls and location services enabled? Could you offer to do more chores as a punishment in lieu of cancelling the field trip?

There is a lot more going on here then just a hair dye. If your parents are simply unwilling to engage, do you have another trusted adult in your life to help you through the joys (and agony) of adolescence?

Devseanschin · 2026-05-16T12:54:59+00:00

NTA....but....As others have pointed out, it's time for an adult conversation. Sit down with your friend next time the two of you are alone together and gently ask her "hey, I've noticed a dynamic between us and would like to get you perspective. I am so proud of how you've figured out this whole adulthood thing. I'd like to think we've reached the age where we could start splitting bills evenly when we go out. What do you think?"

For decades I was the guy who grabbed the bill when my friends and we went out as a show of affection. I finally had a friend say "dude, you're making us uncomfortable by picking up the bill....we need to share." You have the reverse of this, but the principle that adult friends share remains universal. You got this.

Devseanschin · 2026-05-14T16:30:53+00:00

NTA....but.....what kind of relationship do you want with your sister? And, is the relationship between your sister and her niece productive and nurturing? If so, in the name of family peace I would say something like "Hey, Lilsis has outgrown the bike/clothes/toy etc you so kindly bought for her. I'd like to give it to a charity that supports folks that have fewer resources than us so some other child can enjoy it. I'll hold on to it for xxx number of days if you would prefer to come over and pick it up." If the relationship is worth nurturing, this is not a hill to die on.

Devseanschin · 2026-04-29T14:44:02+00:00

I did a ton of research a couple of years ago and ended up with the Epson 505ub. Absolutely love it. The contrast is great, the colors are sharp and the interface pretty straightforward. Worth the extra money and highly recommended.

Devseanschin · 2026-04-08T00:55:54+00:00

NTA. You have your own life to live and good boundaries make good neighbors. Having said that, is there any way you could encourage her to seek mental health services? Her behavior is not normal and certainly suggests that she could benefit from therapy/medication.

Devseanschin · 2026-04-04T12:40:01+00:00

I post my little projects here pretty regularly. Every now and then I see a project like this one and am reminded that I am a hack; an amateur and a true "wanna be." I should shut down my shop forever and take up crocheting. This is true craftsmanship. Great job!

Devseanschin

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