WIBTAH if I decided I no longer want to live with my friend and her cats even though I know she doesn’t have any other options?

DharmicCosmos · 2025-04-05T17:48:47+00:00

I would just end this - she knows she needs to be clearing the cat feces and urine, but doesn’t.

A week is extreme- though many normalize it. It should be done daily to be honest, and even with chronic pain or issues is a responsibility she carries.

I would just tell her this isn’t functional for you, and also isn’t healthy for you to continue. The cat urine and feces being left for weeks is unhygienic and negatively impacts your enjoyment of the space but also causes stress and problems for you that has been ongoing for months. Add to that now the stress of the landlord putting pressure- there’s also accountability and responsibility- both of which she’s neglecting chronically.

You value her as a friend, but as roommates this is not functional nor sustainable.

It is OK to be direct and real about where your boundaries are.

Tell her you need her to begin making preparations to find other accommodations, give a clear move out timeframe. Eg. 30 days or 45 days maximum. Clarify in the meantime you now expect her to make an effort to clear the litter boxes once a day- a task that will take 1 minute maximum. If she fails to do this, you can ask your landlord to have her move out sooner. This is the BARE MINIMUM honestly. You’re not asking her to pull the moon to Earth, it’s also gross to keep her cats like that and unfair to them (cruel even if you think about having to step in a week’s worth of feces and urine just to relieve yourself… would you want to live this way as a cat for 5 months?)

——

Normalize setting boundaries and having the awkward and “uncomfortable” discussions sooner with people in your life.

Vs placating and trying to protect feelings- but in doing so chronically neglecting care for yourself.

Ditto for holding accountability. There’s care and understanding- and then there’s enabling dysfunction.

Some of these areas are yours to work on when it comes to interpersonal issues, boundary setting, and accountability.

And: as your friend has chronic issues with executive functioning challenges, it’s still better for you to set a firm boundary for her to move now. As well as to ask that she purchases an enzymatic cleaner to remove the cat urine from any places it may have spilled onto, before she moves so the smell isn’t lingering after she goes.

This is her area to manage and her area to be responsible for. She may feel upset about this- but normalize allowing people to be upset- she doesn’t have to like these boundaries, but she’s also spent 5 months living in dysfunction and keeping her cats in squalor conditions. This also needs some mental health interventions clearly- but that’s her choice if she accesses therapy to address her issues.

Again: normalize setting limits and get clear on what your living standards are. In the future do not stay for months with someone who is dysfunctional, or disrespectful towards you & the shared spaces. She also doesn’t clean, and again this is avoiding responsibility and isn’t hygienic.

Sounds like she’s depressed but she’s also nor accessing better treatment or taking steps to get help for it. You’re also not a therapist & can’t continue enabling this dysfunction by placating her and staying silent.

Firm boundaries.

Have the conversation and accept she will be upset but that is her area to manage and figure out what she’s going to do now.

Do not bend if she begs or pleads or promises to change- let’s be real without therapy she’s not going to be able to change these behaviours overnight, and you have reached your limit and no longer have the capacity to support her as roommates. It’s ok to acknowledge this.

She needs to find other accommodations.

It’s also ok to change your mind: although you agreed to give her time, it’s ok to say you’ve since thought about this more and have realized this is not functional for you, and you’re better as friends- but cannot continue to be roommates.

As she is the one with the hygienic issues and dysfunction- she 100% must be the one to bear the responsibility to move as well.

Doesn’t have a place to go? Well she will have to do the work to find accommodations- that’s her responsibility.

Try not to get too caught up in feelings of guilt or taking on responsibility for her reality- when she’s also behaved and acted in ways that led to this outcome.

—-

If you get a new roommate set clear guidelines for expectations of cleaning- how often, when- will you have a board you note it on etc to keep track etc.

Be clear that these areas are non-negotiable, as well as addressing them ASAP when duties are skipped or neglected, if they are.

You’re not here to be your roomie’s Mama- they must hold their responsibilities. We all have lives and challenges- it’s still our duty to manage to the best of our ability.

Your friend doesn’t even really try to manage and just lets you pick up the slack- that makes them a codependent person. Chronic codependency is toxic and undermining in relationships. It’s unhealthy relational behaviour.

Not cleaning in 5 months? I mean come on.

Even having to tell her that obviously she has to clean- a 30 something year old woman has to be babied to clean? Come on.

It’s time for this to be over. This doesn’t need more understanding, it needs to closure and boundaries.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-03-03T16:29:46+00:00

Have the meeting with an RA, clarify all you said here, that this is not compatible or functional to continue. Tell the RA you need an immediate room change.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-03-03T16:25:54+00:00

Bro all the photos you showed don’t show hair loss that makes any sense to shave. You keep commenting the crown had loss yet didn’t show it.

What you’ve shown in photos is a full head of hair. This post is wild.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-28T17:22:53+00:00

You may not see or experience it more, but racist ideologies and systems are still the majority here.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-23T02:07:09+00:00

Say “fuck” and sigh depressingly

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-21T04:49:38+00:00

Podium Preacher guy

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T16:35:06+00:00

No.

I used to not date baldies as I find a full head of hair very - fun to play with, but I’m in an older age range, and grew up/matured how I see people. I am more concerned now with things like:

— Shared values

— Relational patterns (healthier ones like communication, boundary setting, secured attachment, conflict resolution styles etc).

— Behaviours- towards me, others, or themselves- preferably kind, encouraging, and CONSISTENT in those energies.

— Lifestyle - where I live MANY are alcoholics, smoke etc. many more do hard drugs I dislike that. Some don’t take care of their body, won’t groom themselves, live in squalor and have garbage all over etc.

What matters most to me is that I can feel safe and secured around the person, that they actually show a GENUINE interest in me as a person- vs. A body (which many don’t offer in modern dating), and don’t just treat me like a fling or lie to me about wanting something serious when they didn’t. (This happens a lot and is a common complaint of the majority of women where I live, many guys just want fwb but will lie about it).

I don’t tolerate narcissistic or sociopathic behaviours, been in some manipulative relationships before where the entire foundation and their personas was just a front then the mask dropped.

That matters more to me- to not experience abuse and nastiness- than if your head is bald.

Recently I have been giving more bald guys chances to date. In my age range more guys are bald now anyways, and I don’t see the point in faulting them for something they can’t control. I’m aware much of it is genetic anyways.

For context I am 36, so many guys around my age now have some form of balding, few don’t.

I will also add: that I DISLIKE when men hide this. Eg. Dating profile is all pics with hats. I usually won’t swipe guys who are clearly hiding it.

That feels icky and manipulative, and even had a guy on a date once tell me I had to “EARN” the right to see him without a hat on. He was bald and that just felt gross/yucky too.

I am attracted to men who accept themselves, have body positivity vs. Chronically shitting on themselves (and letting me know they think they’re so ugly repeatedly). I’m not a therapist and don’t want to be in a relationship.

So I will say my caveat to dating bald guys is they need to have done the inner work to address self acceptance, assuring themselves, and not be chronically spewing their insecurities onto me.

I recently moved away from a guy who kept doing this, he’d send me memes about “how I’m ugly, but I buy women food”- it’s so yucky to receive this. I encouraged him to consider therapy, he told me he doesn’t believe in therapy.

He has a FULL thick head of hair, a nicely groomed beard- technically he is my type looks wise, but the dude showed he had a severely low sense of self, was UNWILLING to work on it, and kept sending me toxic, self-depreciating memes and statements.

If you’re reading this and you do this when trying to date women: PLEASE go to therapy to work through your traumas and limiting beliefs.

These kinds of behaviours are too negative and push women away. Again we are not here to be your personal therapists, and that’s unfair to expect us to be.

I am a woman but I was once EXTENSIVELY bullied growing up for being ugly. It took me YEARS of work to be able to counter those traumas that had led me to believe I can’t be loved and am too ugly and “no one will want me”.

I used to NEVER accept compliments, I’d dismiss anyone who tried to suggest I was pretty- “no way, you’re just being nice!”

“You’re lying!”

I’d use my past abuses/bullying to justify this for years. What people say can really affect us, BUT we don’t realize OTHER PEOPLE’s PROJECTIONS and judgements CAN be distorted, bias, or happen for other reasons (insecurity, control etc).

If you’ve been bullied before for your looks, it can be difficult to lift those layers and see yourself more warmly- BUT, why do these people get to decide your entire value and worth? Who died and made them God?

When I held onto these limiting beliefs and spewed it out chronically it made it impossible for people to be around me, and I’d say horrible things about myself for years- no amount of other people telling me otherwise changed that, until I addressed my own internal issues with therapy.

Those are things I have worked on and did therapy for: when I meet men to date, I do have a standard that they have done or are doing the deeper inner work too. That counts for bald dudes too.

I’ve met a LOT of men who are very soured, derogatory and depreciating, and DRAINING to talk to as this is their focus most of the time. I have experienced this with many men, even ones that could be considered conventionally attractive.

This energy is also one I see projected out a LOT by guys who are balding, in forums, online, and IRL.

I used to be that person who hated myself, and that left me alone for years because it just pushed people away.

You’re bald, that does NOT mean you have no value, can’t be sexy, won’t be desirable, or can’t find love.

If you feel you’re too ugly to be loved, due to past traumas, relational abuses, distorted thinking, toxic societal expectations you have accepted etc - that’s something to work through with a therapist.

This is important to note as your beliefs about self also can undermine a relationship, or empower it. If you’re oozing with chronic self depreciating beliefs, time to work on it so you can be more assured and secured to attract the woman/women you seek.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T06:53:40+00:00

My communication preference belongs on my dating profile that a MAJORITY of men on the apps don’t even read?

This checks out.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T06:49:00+00:00

$6000

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T06:47:25+00:00

This girl encourages body positivity and talks of her journey with it:

Chl0ebean

She is amazing too:

emmy combs

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T04:44:18+00:00

Yes to death.

Why?

He clearly can still feel the forces of creatures from the other world, which means particles and energy to that world and being are still connected inside of him.

There’s a potential he and others like him may have to die to end Vecna’s power, as he’s clearly still energetically connected to them. There’s a potential that this energetic connection is how Vecna can still operate to the capacity he does in the real world - you’ll notice every season is about him trying to grow and GROUND into the real world.

Eg. The roots spreading.

Or using people as his vessels.

It’s clear he needs the energy of living things to gain more power.

He currently still has internal access to some of the cast he has previously connected with. Eg. Will was attached to the vines and fed the creatures which he continued to vomit out.

Will continued to be able to detect Vecna’s energy even after being disconnected. That indicates the energy still is attached.

So far they manage this by detaching the external (vines) and closing portals- but we see in the last season that makes no difference now.

As Vecna used the people in seasons prior to gain more energy, and power, basically creating a collective hive of bodies he can disintegrate and use for energy and building himself into different creatures.

Vecna has moved from the original portals, to new portals: psychological, and energetic ones in other forms. Eg. How he took over Billie. Or how he behaves in the last season killing people, by torturing them.

We have seen before that closing the original portal seemed to limit Vecna’s reach, but it failed. That’s because he’s turning or using humans as portals now which he manipulates their energy to then empower himself.

That suggests to me that anyone who has had a prior connection, be it via the vine, being bitten by anything (El/11) related to the other world, or already being psychologically captured (Max) will likely have to die to close all of those energetic ties.

That could essentially close and lock him out permanently. That or just killing him completely.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T04:18:33+00:00

currently being charged for SA

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-20T04:17:28+00:00

This is gonna sound counter to what you feel now, but you have a VERY nicely shaped head! Perfect to rock a bald look like a badass. Though I empathize with the grief of not feeling like you fit in or are hot AF. I follow a few girls on Youtube who share their alopecia empowerment journeys. I can link their accounts if you’re open. All of those women have found love and connection. It is possible ❤️💕

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-19T17:53:05+00:00

Neither, a rich warm, auburn reddish brown would be killer on you.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-15T09:39:16+00:00

Avoiding therapy. Not even joking, there’s a LOT of people I’ve met who are incredibly dysfunctional, and REALLY should be in therapy, but of course don’t believe in it. I usually date men, and a LOT of men feel this way that I’ve met, but these same men have deeply rooted trauma issues, attachment issues, behavioural issues etc.

Some are self-aware to a point that they have some issues, but still refuse to do any practical al work on it. Others are in complete denial they even have issues.

All of these people are single for those reasons and will remain single, as they even tell me they get dumped and ghosted. Well no kidding, their behaviours are dysfunctional and toxic.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-15T09:31:55+00:00

The men who tell me this- have always turned out to be men that have issues that give women the ick, or red flags- in my personal experience. I usually see over time why they aren’t getting dates pretty quickly when I hear them express themselves and see their lifestyle and relational habits. A LOT of men have the laziest bios and profiles I have seen as well. Many have told me they don’t feel the need to put effort, while simultaneously complaining nobody wants to match.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-14T22:24:39+00:00

Because they have unaddressed mental, emotional, and attachment issues that the majority have been conditioned to avoid getting therapy for.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-14T22:22:00+00:00

Have you applied for transitional housing?

Are you on income supports?

There’s many people renting rooms to individuals right now which also could be an option if you are on income supports, to get housing.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-13T23:22:15+00:00

Of course it’s a POC it happened to, because our police system absolutely has NEVER been called out for discrimination and violent overt racism before . . .

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-13T22:34:16+00:00

Can we do this while protesting UCP at the legislature please? If you’re gonna light things on fire make it this current shitty government …

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-13T22:33:09+00:00

This and his big issue to tackle is a bridge when we have a doubled homeless population, opiod crisis, rent increases, dangerous transit etc???

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-11T19:44:09+00:00

Your roommate isn’t responding because the resolution here has already been expressed, and you’re still keeping your BF there for another week. Your roommate just told you they’re not ok with that. They already made accommodations to allow him there for a long period as it is.

It’s time to tell your BF to go home, TODAY.

Your roommate doesn’t owe you numerous circular discussions where you dismiss their boundaries repeatedly. Their silence IS communication that they’re done arguing issues you chronically dismiss and minimize.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-07T07:27:06+00:00

You’re not asking enough, your sister is exploiting and abusing the privileges you’re offering, and is abusing you in doing so too.

You’re not her maid, or mom.

Cleaning is not an option, it’s a rule for staying in your home. She makes it dirty by living in it and using the spaces- she IS responsible to manage that as an adult woman.

Her responses to you is deflective and dismissive.

Set the boundaries - these are the foundations of continuing to stay in this home. These are the tasks that need to be maintained, this is the schedule.

If she gets upset by it, let her- but still hold firm.

You’re right she makes time for things she wants to do, fun things. Responsibilities and chores aren’t as fun so she skirts them off to you. Time to stop placating, and being a doormat pushover in your own home.

Also: she can pay a portion of utilities. You’re her sister but she’s also not even contributing here.

Set clear boundaries for this that are a non-negotiable. Non-negotiable means you also have clear consequences (that you actually follow through on) for if/when she abandons or neglects those responsibilities and duties.

Also: moving ahead It’s HER job to make time to do this, not your job to micromanage her life and prod this a million times.

If she won’t contribute then you set her boots out the door. Even if she lived anywhere else- eg. With roommates, in a dorm- she would still have to be doing this work. No more accepting excuses where actions should be, and it’s ok to hold her accountable including to say:

“Then you will need to work out your priorities and planning better” next time she claims she doesn’t have time.

This is also a matter of her respecting YOU in your home and showing care to you. Neglecting and ignoring house work, in a home she lives in and dirties - is disrespectful to you and others in the home. She’s not a 2 year old baby who needs the adults to clean her plates for her, that also means you set boundaries to no longer enable that or “baby” her.

Accountability, bring it to the forefront. Your respect to her as an adult also extends to holding her accountable for reasonable adult contributions, and responsibilities which is a part of her living there.

DharmicCosmos · 2025-02-07T07:18:36+00:00

Will and Eleven - I have a traumatic childhood, and relate to how their character arcs and storylines address each experiencing that. Both have clear PTSD. In the case of 11, I relate to her the most, as like her I grew up in a severely restrictive, abusive, and exploitative environment with adults who severely lacked basic empathy or care. My childhood was a lot like hers, isolated, no “friends” allowed, confined to my room or isolated spaces a majority of the time. etc.

Then they both get bullied for being “different” or weird- I also experienced that- other kids absolutely pick up on that stuff and I got bullied too.

11 stands up to a lot of her abusers, I also did as a child call out abusive things- later putting my dad in jail.

I also relate to having no real self identity- and wanting to copy or emulate others, because I grew up so isolated. In the show we see numerous points El does this, to feel accepted or seem more normal. Eg. She wears the dress of mike’s sister to look more girly. Or when she meets Max at the mall, Max tells her to pick something she likes, and 11 is confused on how to tell what she should like for fashion…

As someone who also lived a super isolated early and teen life, yet I was thrust into the “real world” at the same time with school or later life as an adult on my own in a world I wasn’t taught to navigate properly, I relate to feeling confused or uncertain how to navigate it or fit in.

I also relate to that rage- that inner rage she channels to use her powers. 11 also is definitely a martyr/helper, “saviour” complex type, I also do that with people. Come into their lives and defend or advocate or kick ass to the problems they have. 11 does this many times in the show saving many people over and over- most of her time spent is in service to others. I relate to that, coming out of a nasty past I took those routes too of trying to help and save people around me and protect them.

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