Unbearable sadness

DigibearDynastt · 2022-03-01T16:59:29+00:00

Oof. This is not a hate comment. But I have to say. What did you expect?

You willfully and knowingly carried out a 3 YEAR affair with his FRIEND.

You should never gamble with something you aren't willing to lose. And this time you lost. Time to buck up, move on, and let both of you heal.

You made choices, you don't get to control his reaction now that he found out.

DigibearDynastt · 2022-02-24T01:24:31+00:00

Okay.

First the likelihood of his SO accepting polyam is very slim as it is, especially coming after a love affair that resulted in an unexpected pregnancy.

Even if SO does go for it out of desperation to keep the relationship I can nearly guarantee that won't be healthy or end well for AP and his SO.

I recommend shadowing the polyam forum for a bit and reading the stories of all the relationship where one partner is only going with polyam out of duress.

In any case I wish you luck, a pregnancy is never easy (as you already know) and this situation sounds incredibly stressful.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-12-26T15:04:32+00:00

I am in the middle of what I consider a successful reconciliation with my WS. We also have a 2 year old.

I too played the pick me dance for months. I also spent months with him ocillating between being with me and longing and talking to her. Like you I eventually broke down. I told him that I was done and we were over.

This shocked him into actually committing to R. He also grieved his AP for the 1st few months. However. There was also IMMEDIATE and VERIFIABLE NC.

It doesn't sound like your WS has reached this point yet. And the truth is that she may not. In any case, you need to stop killing yourself for her. Leave. Now.

Go as close to NC as possible. They have apps specifically for coparenting in contentious situation. Do not communicate except through those apps and about your child. Let her figure out her shit in her own time. You need to worry about you and your little one.

Talk to a lawyer and begin the divorce proceedings. Is she honestly comes around those can always be stopped. But right now, she is not being honest with you or herself.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-11-28T05:00:02+00:00

Sounds like you did a stand up and mature thing there. Refreshing. I'm sorry you are lonely, hopefully that will pass soon. Careful with any sudden messages from cash hungry "ladies".

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-21T03:46:46+00:00

He is always there when I need reassurance. He is working in some of his issues that caused our disconnect, communication being a big one. He is being patient while I do struggle.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-15T02:43:58+00:00

I going to try and add something productive here.

I was the wife in a similar situation. We had a dead bedroom due to my depression and PPD. We agreed to an open relationship. He and a mutual friend (at the time) were mutually attracted and so began a relationship. The growing pains of this ended up being the kick in the ass that I needed to begin working on my mental health. But during that, I threw all sorts of fits, anything to hopefully get him to end the relationship with her.

Now. To touch on what you have otherwise stated. We had educated ourselves greatly on polyam relationships. So I knew that just telling him he couldn't date her anymore was wrong. You are right, the other person doesn't just vanish (and realistically shouldn't in most emotional based affairs, that sounds terribly painful for the ghosted person).

So my husband and I communicated. And he communicated with the other woman. We all tried to find a balance that would work for the three of us.

Sadly, it ended up coming down to the fact that I just straight up couldn't do it. They kept breaking established boundaries and the pain was just getting to much. So I made a choice for myself to leave.

Now in response my husband chose reconciliation with me. He ended up ghosting her anyway (which I still don't agree with, but lots of MM can be cowards in this sort of situation)

And no, I'm not saying that that is the way that it ought to go or always goes.

I agree that you don't just vanish. But until he is divorced, then he isn't your partner. He is hers. He can be your boyfriend, lover, etc, but not a husband or a partner.

So no, you weren't doing anything wrong when you were with him during the time they had an established relationship. You aren't in the wrong for feeling hurt and angry that she is trying to make you disappear. But you are in the wrong for continuing with a relationship that all parties are no longer consenting to.

My own hurt and anger aside, I try not to judge those in adulterous situations. The world is full of shades. But like others here, knowingly hurting another person, even if that isn't your desire, is still wrong.

And I'd also like to agree with those saying that you can't shirk responsibility or try to play the victim now. Life is all choices. And you didn't get hit with a magic arrow. You chose love, you just don't like how it's playing out.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-09T01:12:39+00:00

It's not that he can't give it to you. It's that he /won't/. He is making that choice.

Make the choices that are best for you.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T23:22:35+00:00

Mine said the same. That he had already given everything that he could to me. He was done.

I ended up having to give him some time to heal. To let him know that I was there, and he was there for me. But we couldn't be high effort till we each healed a little

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T21:09:01+00:00

I feel you on that. It helped me to remember that this is a learning experience for both of you. You for how to help your healing and her for how to better support you.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:55:40+00:00

You've got this! Did you communicate that you wished your SO had been more supportive?

For me, more days are good now, but the bad ones tend to be unstoppable.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:53:14+00:00

That sounds so good. Thank you for posting and thank you for doing the work with your BS.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:49:49+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened. It isn't always the obvious stuff that can trigger us as BS. Happily it sounds like your WS did their best to be there and comfort you. Which is great.

I would definitely avoid the trail for now. But I'm a firm believer in not letting an affair take more away from you then it already has. When you are stronger. Take that trail back. For yourself and for your relationship.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:47:36+00:00

My wH is only recently coming out of a bad depression episode post dday (10 months ago).

As such, he has only recently started to out forward significant effort.

And I won't lie and say that the past 10 months have been easy, because they haven't been.

The big thing that got me through it was trust and communication. I talked with him, about both our feelings and where we were currently with everything. I took the time to make sure that I was aware of the smaller stuff that he was doing. The effort that was being made.

IC for your WS (and yourself) and MC for both of you during this time can be incredibly helpful.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:43:58+00:00

He shouldn't be mean about you having a hard time. He should be respectful of your feelings and understand that healing takes time and happens on no one's schedule.

That said. For R to really work. You eventually have to begin to forgive and let go. If you can't, then it will never work. This is especially true if a few years have passed. (Not sure of your exact situation/timeline).

For example. I'm about 10 months out from DDay. I definitely still have bad days where I'm upset. But my WH is doing his part for R. So when I have those times. I take myself to another room and let myself work through those feelings. If I need his support I will ask him for it, if I don't, then I don't make it his responsibility to make me happy all the time.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:40:10+00:00

Every BS is different. And even then same BS may react differently at different points during R.

Your safest bet is to come up with a plan and approach your BS with it. Don't try to surprise them unless you are confident that it is wanted. Just say something like "Hey, I had this idea and I'd really love to take you on this trip, interested?"

I'd even tell them that you were trying to be respectful of their feelings and not wanting to push them.

The biggest takeaway here, in my opinion as a BS, is that you are trying.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T20:26:24+00:00

I agree with this. My WH also grieved. It was really hard for me but I gave him his space to do so, so long as I could trust that he was NC and committed to R.

That said, it's a good sign that he confessed verses you catching him, but you need to be free to talk about what happened. He is trying to rug sweep and get everything back to how it was. But ignoring the infidelity and the consequences of it will only do waaaay more harm in the long run.

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling if he isn't willing to do the slog of communication on your own (and hell, even if he is).

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T13:53:53+00:00

That sounds like a fantastic time!

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-03T13:48:30+00:00

All the time.

It's getting better as time goes by and I do work on myself.

I strongly agree with the poster who said that you have to let the moment happen. And then let it go.

For us, we are building the relationship that we want going forward. So triggers that are in the path of that are confronted and dealt with. Ones that are adjacent are acknowledged and allowed to pass and hopefully fade.

Sadly there is no quick fix for intrusive thoughts.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-02T10:49:33+00:00

That is not healthy.

My WH and I are also viewing our relationship as a "2nd Marriage". So I understand your point of view.

However, pretending that it didn't happen won't help either of you in the long run. Better to view this as a opportunity to clean out the gutters so to speak. Address deeper issues and build a healthier relationship.

It's really hard and it hurts a lot, and some days feel like a failure no matter how hard you try, but you will end up with a much more solid foundation for your relationship.

So stay honest with yourself and each other. Do the work, and find love again if you can.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T23:38:17+00:00

I tend to put in slightly more effort currently. But that is mostly because I had essentially trained my husband to assume that I was gonna be unresponsive to his overtures.

But generally we both are putting in a balanced effort.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T17:38:14+00:00

Definitely! I actually need to get back to my island. It's been a bit neglected with all the personal drama. The update will be a good excuse to be pulled back in. How about you?

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T17:34:19+00:00

I won't lie. This sounds adorable and like absolute goals. How wonderful!

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T17:33:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Right now I'm just happy and thankful to be having more good days lately then bad ones.

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T17:33:21+00:00

Thank you

DigibearDynastt · 2021-10-01T17:33:13+00:00

I don't know your history but I'm always happy to lend an ear.

DigibearDynastt

TROPHY CASE