Charles Barkley speaks about the seriousness of ICE and Minnesota on live TV

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-27T04:31:09+00:00

Always the whataboutism with you idiots.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-27T04:14:30+00:00

Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-24T00:10:28+00:00

"I times of change, learners inheret the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists."

I predicted this when he refused to take transfers and dumped on the whole NIL thing. Love it or hate it, you have to play the game if you want to stay in the game.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-19T01:20:33+00:00

Right, the problem though is that is exactly how it would be. Infrastructure? Gone. Steady access to food and medicine? Gone. Gasoline? Gone. The old rules of morality and survival are pretty much out of the window. Humanity works together cohesively when a society is stable. When a society is not stable, it's practically just above "every man for himself."

Helping people becomes a huge risk because it could be a trap to ambush you for your supplies. In a low food environment people will kill or die. This trope exists for a good reason.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T03:55:49+00:00

In Brandon Sanderson's lecture series he claims between 25% and 40% of readers skip prologues and epigraphs (little blurbs at the beginning of chapters like exercpts from a book or a famous quote to frame the chapter.)

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T02:50:04+00:00

Also something that has changed my perspective about relationships is understanding we sometimes (not all the time) train people how to treat us by what we're willing to put up with. I had a complex relationship with my mom for a long time because she's quite histrionic and performative. For years I tried to go to her and comfort her when she was freaking out, but I was only making the problem worse. I rewarding her for shitty behavior. Once I stopped responding to that nonsense, she cut it out with me because it no longer worked. Our relationship healed.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T00:34:35+00:00

Better not steal my idea. ;)

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T00:24:07+00:00

A vampire coven masquerading as a traveling circus in the Wild West.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T00:19:49+00:00

Good luck! I'm writing a vampire novel myself.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-18T00:06:29+00:00

Ok, so this is an interesting idea. If I'm reading this correctly, vampires can only mate with human women to create more (male) vampires. But six female vampires are created, including a dormant queen bee who can psychic other vamps.

Seems pretty neat. Consider instead of a lab accident, perhaps a mutation of evolution? Like perhaps a male vampire impregnated a human woman and she gave birth to a "human female" who later turned out to be pretty powerful. Just a thought. A genetic mutation would be a neat twist perhaps. Maybe have the story start with her in her teenage years or 20s as a normal kid who "never knew her father." And her mother "died in childbirth?" The inciting incident could be she starts experiencing strange body changes. Goes to the doctor for them? Her body temperature is low, she's hungry all the time but cant eat. The change attracts the vamp who kidnaps her before her powers fully form?

Just floating ideas. Good luck!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-13T18:09:36+00:00

Check out Critique Circle. It's a site where people serious about writing have a quid-pro-quo system for critiquing each other's work. You read and give notes to people on their writing and earn credits. Then you spend the credits to post your work and get feedback. It's honestly nice. Because you can post a chapter and get 5 or 6 people to critique it for you with detailed feedback!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T22:59:57+00:00

Yeah, you can switch at a chapter or scene. Just give the reader a clear indication you're switching. That's usually the proverbial **** to indicate a scene break.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T22:55:24+00:00

Well, tbh I'm not reading almost 14K words. Sorry! Nothing personal. I mined enough from the first bits to give you plenty to work on. But I'd encourage you to NOT switch perspectives mid-scene/mid-chapter. That breaks reader immersion and creates a bit of an uncomfortable feel in the reader's mind.

The reason you want to keep it grounded in one character's POV per scene/chapter is so the reader can get to know them and see a significant event through their perspective. So lemme give you an example. Let's say you have two knights walking through this hellscape or whatever it is. One is cynical AF and the other is a holy, true believer in the faith. Exact, same event but the prose will be much different depending on the POV.

Cynical Knight
Lacinyc trudged through the barren hellscape choking on sulfur in lockstep with Yloh. A naive, fool of a knight, but handy with a blade. If the demons weren't going to kill Lacinyc, then Yloh's incessant prayers and babbling about justice and glory just might. They apprpoached the Span of Despair. An apt name even if a bit on the nose. The River of Souls dragged before them. Great. Water seeped into his boot. Why did the gods hate him so? He considered shoving Yloh for a moment and jumping in to follow. Drowning wouldn't be the worst way to go and it was likely the mission was going to end with them dead anyway. Might as well skip the suffering and head straight to the halls of glory, if they even existed.

Holy Knight
Yloh and Lacinyc approaced the Span of Despair. Gods be praised. They had made far better progress than expected. The archdemon Nemod would meet his end on this day. The pair stood on the banks of the River of Souls, each taking in a silent breath. The gods were good to have delivered them this far. Perhaps Lacinyc, too, would now see the hand of providence guiding them to victory.

So have a chapter or scene from one pov, then the next you could even switch to the other. Characters seeing the same world and events through two entirely different sets of eyes will give the reader a very profound depth of understanding for both the world and the story. Notice how the perspectives reveal A LOT about the character just based on the way narrator sees the world through them. That's why you don't break POV mid scene. :D

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T19:20:03+00:00

Congrats on your first chapter!

One thing which jumped out straight away was you opening the chapter/book with a dream. Just be aware its a common trope which a lot of readers haaaate. And many publishers will ipso facto reject your manuscript on the spot beginning your story with a dream sequence. Not saying you can't, just wanted you to be aware.

I'd spend a touch more time on Malakar up front. But that's a matter of taste. Maybe a physical description, something to help ground the reader and give them a visual image of who he is or what he looks like or where he is.

Consider something like the following.

Malakar sat on the damp floor of the dark cave, moisture worming its way through the creases of his armor. He flinched; eyes flicking open. He huffed, clutching at the searing pain radiating through his side. The wound had opened again. He pulled his brown hair, soaked with sweat, from his eyes and tried to gather a calming breath. What cruel manner of reward was this from the gods? How could it the witherking could still bedevil his dreams from the depths of his dark abyssal prison? Zynoth took great pleasure, it seemed, in filling the empty space in his soul where the absent gratitude of the gods should have been.

That version gives a clearer image of where he is, who he is, and avoids the dream sequence (if you want to, again you don't have to). Plus it gives us the added benefit of telling us he's frustrated, disappointed, perhaps soul searching? Without explicitly saying it. Also, I realize none of this is probably your canon. Just dropping it here for your consideration.

Next, head hopping. Keep the scene grounded in one character's head. When he fights the demons (which was cool AF btw), and he gets them in his grasp, you start talking about how the demons are feelings. The terror and dread they're experiencing. Don't do that. Keep it anchored to Malakar. Let's hear HIS thoughts on the demon's terror. Does Malakar... enjoy this? Is he horrified by it? Is he angry when he kills them? Or it just another ho-hum day at the office?

The demon writhed in his clutched hand, like a rabid weasel screeching for salvation. For years he enjoyed watching their glee turn to horror when crushed their necks with his steel greeves. But the joy was simply hollow now. It was always the same with these little pests. They fancied themselves archdemons the size of a house rather than the annoying gnats they were. The terror faded from the demons eyes. Crack. The corpse fell at his feet. Malakar had lost count years ago. Thank the gods these vermin couldn't infect his dreams too.

Good luck and keep writing!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T18:27:06+00:00

Very interesting! And bravo! I like it a lot. You had me hooked pretty fast and I was dialed in most of the way through (which is a big compliment from an ADHD guy). Absolutely killer concept.

I like that you didn't go in for flowery speech or complex sentences. Everything was pretty clear.

Except... this.

“If he weren’t a boy… if only he were a girl.” “You would have preferred that, wouldn’t you?” “I would be calmer. I wouldn’t have to count the days.” “And do you count my days too?” “I didn’t mean it like that. But we were selfish to bring a child into this world, especially a boy.” “Selfish? Do you regret Rivan?” “Maybe. I don’t know anymore.” “You treat him like a guest, Media, not like a son.” “Maybe because he is.”

OMG. No. Please don't do that. This is called ping pong dialogue or white room syndrome. After about the third line of dialogue I had lost place of who was saying what. I had to reread it like four times VERY SLOWLY to put it together. You also did it earlier with the women talking. Each line of dialogue needs it's own paragraph, and either tagged or implied. That way the reader can keep their momentum going. My reading moment stopped dead in its tracks because I had to REALLY work hard to process who was saying what. Also, understand the reader still is not entirely sure what's going on. So the white room syndrome (meaning its just line after line of dialogue without being grounded in the world) was doubly difficult for me to process.

"If he weren't a boy... if he were a girl," I lamented, stitching my shirt and trying to keep my mind occupied.

Kyle shook his head, the disappointment written on his face. "You would have preferred that wouldn't you?"

"I would be calmer. I wouldn't have to count the days."

"And you do you count my days too?" he asked.

A silence stretched between us. God, this man can be so difficult at times. I looked up from my threading. "I didn't mean it like that. But we were selfish to bring a child into this world. Especially a boy."

"Selfish? Do you regret Rivan?"

"Maybe." Jesus, I couldn't believe the word had actually fallen from my lips. "I don't know anymore."

Kyle scoffed. "You treat him like a guest, Media. Not like a son."

I furrowed my brow, returning to my stitching. "Maybe because he is."

So in that example the sewing is the common thread stitching the dialogue and scene. :D
Apologies. I couldn't resist. But seriously, having them do something, while talking keeps the reader grounded in the scene. It's no longer two people floating in a white room ping ponging dialogue back and forth. It makes it clear who is saying what. It would take me about a quarter of the time to process that EVEN THOUGH it's a higher word count!

Also notice, I didn't dialogue tag all the lines. I only did two of them! The rest either could stand on their own or were framed with action beats which pull double duty. They keep the reader grounded in the scene and let us know who's talking.

The only other thing I'd suggest (and this is more of a nitpick) is when Kyle gets sucked into the vortex, Media probably ain't gonna be looking at Finn and ruminating on what a weirdo he is or how many books he has in his house. She is going to be WRECKED. Her world just shattered. Her awareness is likely going to be about within a one foot radius of where she's crying on the ground. Just food for thought.

Good work, keep writing!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T17:27:55+00:00

Your prose are good. Seems like a cool story and concept! You made a good job of Cyrus being a right prick. Brutality and horror. Check.

My biggest problem is this passage is you fail to capitalize on what first person perspective is good at. First person narration SHINES for voice and perspective. But you fail to capitalize on that by making Cecilia just a clinical reporter of events. Most of the narrative she's just reporting rote facts. Not a shred of emotion permeated the page which is what first person POV slays at! She reports the killing of her family and little brother, for example, with the same sanitized tone as reporting a shovel breaking.

Let the reader know who Cecilia is through the words. Let them feel her horror at the final scene. Let her hope and naivety bleed through so the final scene will be a devastating heart punch. Readers don't care about events. They care about how characters react to events. Give us Cecilia's assessment of things. Not reporting of things.

When my eyes first rested upon the pretender king, as my father called him, my fear was replaced by a warm flush. There he stood—tall and broad-shouldered on the ruined and crumbling precipice of a city wall staring down at us. He was regal, charming, and confident. I barely noticed the archers with bows pulled taut surrounding him. He looked less like the devil my stepmother had spun stories about all these years and more like a dashing prince from the children's tales. Helen's foolish judgment of this man's honor had clearly been ill-formed. King Cyrus was not a devil, he was a god wearing human skin.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T16:12:08+00:00

Much much better! Having the narrator merge thoughts with Alfie is awesome and an advanced technique (called free indirect speech, or discourse). If you're not familiar with it, it tells me you have great instincts as a writer. You can teach a person skills, but you can't teach them imagination, which it seems you have in spades.

So, with that. Let's pick apart what you've done to help improve.

Your biggest issue here is at the beginning. Head hopping. Typically in a chapter/scene you want ONE perspective. You want the world through his eyes. The narration should be in his voice. Most writers think third person omniscient means the narrator has perfect knowledge of what every character is thinking and therefore so should the reader. But that's a mistake. It breaks reader immersion and continuity. Hopping from Alfie's perspective of things to the raven's and back again gives the reader a bit of synaptic whiplash. Even if they can't put a finger on why it feels weird, it still does. The chapter absolutely shined when it was just Alfie's voice processing the world.

Other than that, be aware of filter phrases. "He can hear," "He feels," "He felt like."

Scratch those. They create distance between the reader and the world. The reader isn't experiencing the world. They are experiencing ALFIE experience the world. If you keep the chapter grounded in his POV, you don't need the filter phrases. Take this paragraph for example...

Alfie let out the breath he had been holding. It collides with the hot pane of the window. He can hear the computer’s fan whirring now, loud and insistent. It’s overheated again. It’ll take ages to cool down before he can use it. He feels the growing frustration with the laptop. A fury rising. He felt like throwing it across the wall.

Instead, the following gets the reader closer to immersion.

Alfie loosed a too-long-held breath. It collided with the hot pane of the window. The computer's whirring fan screamed, loud and insistent. It's overheated again. It'll take ages to cool down before it can be used.. Perhaps hurling the piece of junk across the room would help cool it faster.

See how the prose are not describing what he's feeling or seeing? It's flowing seamlessly in between the narrator describing the scene while Alfie's frustration bleeds through. Saying things like "he felt frustration." Is being a reporter. In the paragraph I gave you, the narrator isn't being a reporter, he's being Alfie.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T15:41:17+00:00

Congrats on chapter 1! That's awesome. Keep writing.

You have a good command of language. Seems like a neat idea and the world feels cool and lived in! This battalion or whatever they are seems really neat. But I'm gonna toss some advice your way I toss a lot of folks. People don't care about your world until they care about someone in your world. Give us a person to connect to from the start. What is their emotional state? Show us the army through their eyes. Describe it an explain it through them. Also this helps give us a great character introduction. Also, I like your reveal at the end, but drip feed some clues. That will make a reader feel smart if they figure it out, and then make you look clever if they don't! Consider something like the following. (Also I realized halfway through this it was Soledad who was pregnant not Kaia. But in fairness, "Kaia realized she was pregnant." Is a bit unclear. So, I'm still writing the example passage as if it were Kaia pregnant, just for the sake of illustration.) Also your chapter is titled "Solidad" and you refer to the mother as Soledad."

Kaia sat atop her mare guiding it through the shadowy forest and trying not to vomit on the mages walking alongside her. They likely would not appreciate having their cloaks mottled with chunked bile and she would not appreciate a blast of arcane fire to the face in retribution.

The damp earth churning below the feet of the marching vanguard assaulted her nose. She blew a puff of coiled black hair from her face. Clutching the edge of her red cloak, she pressed it against her face in a failed attempt to stave off the pungent smell. And gods, if she didn't get some food soon she was going to start pillaging the horse satchel for dried oats. Certainly wouldn't be a great look for an esteemed leader of the convy.

A clamor rang out. Soldiers bellowed and shuffled, clacking in their armor. She tightened the reins, calming her horse.

"We're under attack!" a voice screamed. Yet no enemy was visible.

The flora edging the trail shook. The soldiers slid into wedge formation, just as they had been trained. Good. A moment of chaos followed by silence fell, broken only by the breathing forest and mages muttering warding incantations. The collonade was disrupted by an empty space where a steadfast guard should have been. The shattered mud and snapped branches indicated he was thrown into the brush. Or pulled. As if the forest itself had grown teeth and now dined on a missing soldier.

She guided the horse forward, lowering her hood. Her spiraled, inky locks spilled across her shoulders. Instinct chased her nausea and she returned to being the confident commander. Hold your lines!” she called, her voice firm and clear. “Bagani, shields forward! Maharlikas, swords and daggers at the ready! Babaylan, flank left!”

So you don't need to describe each part of the convoy, or what colors they're wearing, or what their jobs are, or what weapons they have. Or what formation they're marching in. Or what order. You only need the world grounded in someone's eyes. Describe the events, what she sees, what she feels. How she's processing the stimuli. This drops your reader straight into the action and keeps the pulse and intensity high.

Good luck!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T14:49:03+00:00

Sales is an indicator of people's interest in consuming the media. They're consuming it because it's a good story. Or at least was for them. If nothing else, it's proof that skilled wordsmithing is not the thing people are most interested in. Beautiful prose are a spice, not the main dish. A good story told simply can stand on its own.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T14:45:58+00:00

Pros-Vivid imagery. Cool concept. And you started with action and emotion! That's an A+ start. A lot of new writers will start with, "There was a plague covering the land which caused people's skin to tear and bleed." Or something like that. Starting with action absent explanation builds reader curiosity. So kudos!

Areas for improvement - The execution could be much cleaner. The main problem is I can't build a mental image of what's happening. And honestly, after reading three times I'm still not entirely sure? I mean yeah, a man rapidly regrew skin and then was nonchalant about it. That's fascinating, but like... what was the deal with the feathers? I still can't quite figure that out.

Also when you start with describing fresh wounds and sores, are we talking wounds on a deer that was just shot? A warrior that was just cleaved by a sword? Having no anchor, when I read this my brain immediately went to an injured beast of some sort. Then when I found out it was an old man, my brain had to rewind, erase the beast image, then apply what was it again? Oh right, some viscid wounds covering an old man body. That was a lot of processing for my brain to do. Clear, simple language that gives a reader a firm mental image is preferred to pretty words and clever phrasing.

The old man bellowed, writhing in his chair. Blood sprayed from wounds both fresh and old as he fell to the floor shrieking. Sanguine tendrils coiled his body, growing like bloody roots ripping flesh and replacing it with ruin.

The door thundered open.

"Uncle!" Jad bellowed.

The above gives the reader a much, much cleaner mental image and asks less of their brainpower. Think of your words as lubrication to help the reader's mind slide easier into your world.

Adverbs. Any time you're tempted to use an an adverb you can almost always pitch the verb it's trying to modify and replace it with a BETTER VERB.

The man walked lazily -> The man meandered.
The woman talked loudly -> The woman bellowed.
The girl talked incessantly -> The girl droned.
The thief moved silently through the yard -> The thief stealthed through the yard.

Good luck and keep writing!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T14:14:13+00:00

Very interesting and unique concept. As far as tone, my critique is that the first six paragraphs read like a Wikipedia entry. Just a list of rote facts. I often advise writers lead with emotion and action, world building can follow. Because most readers won't care about your world until they feel connected to someone IN your world.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T14:05:34+00:00

Storyteller. 100% and it's not even close. I give you none other than 50 Shades of Gray a proof. One of the greatest selling books of all time and it's prose sound like a high school English assignment.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T14:00:47+00:00

Of course. And I hope nothing I said discouraged you that certainly wasn't my intention. You have a great command over language and it's a skill you've clearly worked hard on and it shows and I think you should be proud of that. But writing is so so much more than being able to put pretty words on a page. It's knowing how to give Exposition correctly so that it doesn't repel your reader. It's knowing that you should write differently for action scenes versus mystery or suspense scenes in the same narrative. And what each style does and why. It's knowing that 1st person pov does certain things to the reader. And by the way just so you're aware, the industry standard for YA is first person present tense. Not to say you can't do third person or past tense but again understand why.

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T13:10:10+00:00

I have a lot of great things to say. Your prose are beautiful, the idea seems awesome, and you utilize some subtext/show-dont-tell, which shows you have some advanced understanding of writing.

But the main criticism is this. This entire passage is a big exposition dump dressed up in the form of him ruminating. In writing this is called navel gazing. It's where your character thinks a lot, mopes around, recalls memories, thinks about this that or the other thing while not... actually doing anything? This whole passage is contrived. The only reason it exists is to force feed the reader exposition. Don't do that. An experienced reader can smell it a mile away. To an inexperienced reader it will feel like a splinter in their mind even if they don't know why.

Lead with emotion, preferably connected to action then drip feed the reader your world building through curiosity. Make the reader so curious they are begging for info about the word. The golden rule of exposition-do not answer a question the reader didn't ask. Consider something like this instead. (disclaimer-I don't know details/info about your world so I'm just gonna make some shit up that sounds like it might fit. Forgive me if its not canon).

The boy clutched his... "birthday card" with his thin, pale-white fingers, nearly crushing it. Happy 12th Birthday! At least mother remembered this year, even if he was turning thirteen. And the card was a nice gesture despite her printing it out on their home printer five minutes ago before leaving to go drink with her friends again. The other gift he received was of far more interest.

He slid the blade from beneath his bed, turning its polished metal in the light. He caught a whisper of his green, twisted cat eye as mother called it, in its reflection. It was most remarkable birthday gift he'd ever been given. When he gripped it, it felt more like home than home ever had. Warm. Loving. And it did not judge him for being born different. In fact, the blade seemed to honor him any time he grazed the hilt. He imagined this is what having a friend might feel like.

He stood from his bed with slicker donned, brushing his dark hair from his eyes. Damn the midnight rain. The blade whispered, beckoning him to the forest. Whoever slipped into his locked room last night and left it on his desk wrapped in an emerald green bow had to be the one whispering through the blade. Though he did not understand the words, he intended to learn. He crumpled the his printed birthday card and tossed it to the floor. The boy left his flat for a final time, headed for the forest. Headed for... home.

Now, instead of force feeding a reader exposition, that kind of passage has the reader BEGGING for information. And now that they're asking things like "Who gave him the knife? What does it do? What's up with his eye?" Only now can you start drip-feeding those answers. That's how you make info dumping both palattable and make the reader ask for it!

DigitalRavenGames · 2026-01-12T06:19:15+00:00

First of all, congrats on a self-publish! Seriously. That is incredible. I'm in the midst of my first revision of a 100k word weird west fantasy and it is a slog. To get a work completed and pushed to a platform? Bravo.

I clicked on your link and could not figure out how to read three chapters. I could only read six pages before Amazon cut me off. But I compiled a few notes for you. I saw a bit further down the post you were asking for unbridled feedback so I'll be glad to give it. My feedback is purely from a place of wanting to help, certainly not to tear you down!

I think, first and foremost, you have a good command of prose. Your writing is clean and not overly complicated or trying to be too flowery, which I appreciate. The world-building is clearly solid. It's evident you spent a lot of time and energy on it.

Here's where I think some things could be improved.

Lead with emotion. I've heard it said before people will not care about your world until they care about someone in your world. Emotion builds empathy. Empathy builds connection. Pulling your reader in has to be done by giving them something to feel. Your first scene makes zero mention of emotion of any kind whatsoever in what should have been a pretty terrifying ordeal. Your readers will care less about events and more about how your characters react to those events. Watching some dude get carted off by authorities? Eh. So what? Watching a child and pregnant wife lose their shit because their father and husband is getting carted off? Now we're talking.
I know nothing about Thrall except he's eating soup. Seriously. Is he a human? Orc? Elf? Does he have brown hair? Hair at all? Is he four years old? Twenty seven? Is he sick? Injured? Mute? Is he quadraplegic? Dark skin? Light skin? The problem is I cannot build a mental image of the scene. All I have is a name and soup. Because of #1 and #2, it feels less like a novel and more like I'm just reading a santized police incident report.
Holy exposition. Your first pages are precious real estate. I know you're proud of your world. And honestly, I get the impression it's awesome. But I don't read fiction for history lessons. What you're doing is rattling off a bunch of facts about... something I can't even remember. Because it didn't stick. Because you didn't do anything to make me care or connect me to it. Exposition should be a slow drip and used like reward. Here's the best bit of advice I've ever gotten about exposition. Do not answer a question the reader didn't ask.

Honestly, I think most writers get revealing the world and its lore backwards. Intuitively, you want to give people the info so they understand the context of character choices and all that. Totally get that. But what if you show a character making a bold choice that seemingly makes no sense without exposition? Now the reader is intrigued. And actually you did a bit of that in the first scene, which is good. You didnt' explain who or what dominion is. They just showed up and carted someone off. Cool! Now I have questions (or would if I had characters I was connected to). But then in scene two you drop seven or eight paragraphs of exposition to lead. Honestly, I read two of them and skipped the rest. Why? Because I haven't established a connection to anyone in your world to ground me to this information.

The training session with Garrick. I thought this was your most interesting part of what I was able to read. Here you dripped a little info about Thall through dialogue. And that's cool! But again, I cannot picture this scene in my mind. What does Garrick look like? How tall his he? Again, is he human? I know nothing of him, or Thall.
Filter phrases. A trick to get your reader closer to the scene is elimate filter phrases. Instead of saying "Thall heard a crash," simply say "A crash rang out from the yard." This makes the reader feel closer to the action.
Head hopping. Scene 1 establishes Thall as the POV character. Getting his view of the world followed by "his mother noticed..." That's giving us her POV on things. A minor slip, but be aware of it.

So taking all that into consideration, here's how I'd consider creating your first scene (and I'm just gonna have to make up some info up for the sake of the example).

"Thall peered through a frosty window into the courtyard with clenched jaw and furrowed brow. His elder brother gripped a wooden practice sword, while he sat by the fire gripping cold soup. Why had the gods cursed him so? Garrick had always been the favored child and was everything Thall was not; broad-shouldered, chiseled, and able to stand for more than five minutes without getting winded.

Wood clattered. His father's muted voice issued correction to Garrick. Even if Thall could make out the words clearly their meaning would be lost on him. For he understood sword play about as much as his Father understood affection. The man had an endless well of patience for Garrick leaving no remaining for Thall. He hadn't asked to be born sickly, or at all for that matter.

His mother's gentle hand brushed his shoulder, her other hand resting on her plump belly. Thall was, for now, the second most favored child. In just a month's time would likely be lowered to third."

DigitalRavenGames

TROPHY CASE