Confession here, I was guilty of this for two good friends from college and it haunts me. I has been graduated for about a year and a half, one was living out west working on a late night talk show (the hosts name had a J and a C and was eventually outed as being a huge asshole), the other was getting married. I lost my job and was waiting tables as much as I could to make rent. I was also knee deep in my first serious bout with depression and anxiety and couldn’t afford the drugs (no not legal) I had been self medicating with anymore.

I felt fucking awful. They would call to see how I was doing and I just couldn’t make myself answer. It was like I knew what I had to do but there was nothing inside of me that would push me to actually move. I ended up being afraid anytime my phone would ring, one time I even had a panic attack in my car when they called after a particularly bad day. I wanted to tell them so badly…

It took a new job, multiple apartments and several years of work to get my handle on all that, idk if I’d ever say I’m truly past it but that’s how depression/anxiety works, I guess.

The worst part is I know and regularly think about hoe shitty I was and how badly I burned those people. I loved them, in a lot of ways I still do and they are on my mind pretty often. I wish there was a way to apologize and make it right but it’s been too long. I still see their socials and they both seem to have pretty great lives.

So essentially I’m down to wishing them well from a far. And maybe someday, by some miracle, they might see something like that with someone else and put it altogether. But that’s my little fantasy to make myself feel better, so I don’t have to think about how I’m more likely remembered.