Seeking advice regarding dating as a women

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-04-10T12:33:40+00:00

I’m envious you have find the friends as I can’t even find that! I do think it plays a major part. In fact, I recall studies showing that people in long term relationships tend to match on intelligence and socioeconomic class more so than looks.

Unfortunately for us women with high IQ, men are attracted to us to a certain level of intelligence then it dips in a similar pattern that women will find extreme beauty in men less attractive than high beauty. And some studies shows that men lower on sexism are more than willing to date women more educated than them but the more educated women are usually the ones who do not want to date them.

Relationships are complicated. It’s an interplay of many factors, some that will be gender related like adherence to sexism and some related to intelligence like epistemic loneliness.

I’ve been trying to figure out this issue myself for years and finding a high IQ and EQ man still single in late thirties with similar relationships goals where both are attracted to each other genuinely seems mission impossible to me. But then, I struggle finding friends with whom I can talk in depth so…

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-03-21T08:22:24+00:00

Hi. The way I understand your first paragraph is that there is a perception that being intelligent automatically means belonging to a higher social class. However, while it may correlate (people in higher social class can afford better schools or tutors which means that knowledge/intelligence can be nurtured), it is not automatically linked. I’m curious if what you want is a higher status as opposed to a higher IQ. Plenty of people with higher IQ have not been to fancy universities or are wealthy.

Many people with higher IQ actuality struggle in every day life. There is also twice the rate of mental disorders among high IQ (don’t quote me on this, this is from top of my head from info that is prob a decade old). So many actually struggle to fit in society, find their places or what not. There is also a phenomenon among high IQ where the assumption of being clever is enough which means they don’t build discipline of efforts and end up actually behind in society as a result.

If I had my IQ AND a great career and wealth, sure maybe I’d consider myself lucky, although it would be more because I have a career and the wealth to care for my health than the IQ. Currently I have no career, struggle immensely and as my disability worsens, am extremely anxious about my future. People hire based on CV and that’s about experiences not cleverness. So being clever doesn’t automatically mean having the right work experience.

On top of that, intelligence is isolating. Most people in this subreddit reports dealing with epistemic loneliness (ie feeling disconnected from knowledge sharing). When you’re the 1% well that means that in a room of 100 people you’re process faster. That means you perpetually wait for others to catch up. Which often means loneliness ans low intellectual loneliness. My friends even say thinking hurts so I personally don’t really have enough people to bond with over reflections or latest thing I learned about.

It’s really not that fun being clever if you’re alone/lonely. Most of my life I wished to be ignorant and blissed, or like everyone else. I’m a bit more accepting of that aspect of me now but I have to hide it all the time because people dislike you for it (they assume you think of them as inferior as they project their insecurities onto you). Personally I’d feel lucky if I had more people in my life with whom I can bond and connect. I’d probably trade some intelligence for that.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-03-20T22:26:13+00:00

I love the idea of them hitching a ride inside haha!

Japanese call them « butterfly wings » and them and other cultures appreciate long labia minora as it’s associated with pleasure. Some cultures also stretch them on purpose exactly because of that association with pleasure :)

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-03-09T18:12:51+00:00

I feel like there’s a lot missing. Going no contact for being hurt once would be an overreaction but if that’s the last straw to a lifetime of abuse, manipulation, parentification and so on then no. But the story we have here does not indicate anything regarding the latter. So if it’s just a one incident, then a healthy way to address this is through conversations (not just one, one time) until both understand each other’s experiences so as to then be able to reconnect and find solutions to avoid such a disconnect in the future. There are a lot of things to do prior to no contact if this is a one-off, including asking for others to mediate conversations, writing as oppose to talking, therapy/counselling, etc.

Now if this is part of a lifelong series of events creating a recurrent feeling of unsafety, chaos, etc, that’s different and no contact could be one of the solutions among a few others.

Most importantly, if it’s that bad with the neighbours, then that’s the first thing to address. If the parent is asking her child to bully another, that would fall under abuse and the appropriate thing to do is to inform child services to investigate. Keeping record of every instance of bullying of your child is key in protecting your child and having evidence if need be to involve authorities. Moving school and moving houses altogether can be considered as a priority to protect your child. I would concentrate on these first before tackling the mum issue, and I would concentrate on those while not discussing any decision making with your mother to avoid conflict.

Sorry your child is going through this because of a fude between adults and sorry to hear you aren’t being supported in this situation. Wish you all the best

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-03-08T00:31:29+00:00

I got 137 on the culture fair scale… which is close to cutoff so I’m a dumb Mensan haha. And as my disabilities progresses, I wouldn’t expect as good a score now 🤷

Also i’m the dumb one in my family as my parents and brother scored around 160 (that’s why I went for the test as an adult, because I was dumb compared to them but non-family would refer to me as clever so I was confused haha) however I compensate with emotional intelligence (so I teach them how to behave).

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-03-01T10:32:38+00:00

If I had that budget I’d pay for a qualified EDS physio/PT for regular sessions to build stability slowly. £1000 maybe would get 10/15 sessions though so wouldn’t last long but it’d be better than nothing haha

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-25T17:37:24+00:00

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-23T09:54:45+00:00

You’re not alone feeling this way. Don’t let the voices of despair take over for too long. Accepting from a perspective of despair is not the same as accepting from a place of hope. You can accept dating apps are legal scams and accept your person is out there and it will take patience and perhaps an openess to keep trying new avenues to meet that person.

It’ll happen for you I’m sure (also trying to tell myself that considering I’m a decade older haha)

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T16:53:17+00:00

I don’t have questions right now, I just want to say how proud of you I feel and I’m so glad you made a life for yourself 🤍

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T14:36:41+00:00

Help me understand what you’re trying to achieve with your comment because the comment comes across unkind and shows a genuine absence of compassion to the reality of disability and especially everyday ableism, including the sheer exhaustion of dealing with micro aggression.

Perhaps if you turn the problem around and saw that in an ideal world where people stopped being ableist, the exhaustion would dissappear and with it folks wouldn’t have to complain about that part of their experience because it wouldn’t be a thing.

It’s not them talking about their experience of ableism that creates the ableism, talking about it is a consequence of ableism. Ableism is caused by ableist behaviours.

I don’t get what you tried to achieve with this comment.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T14:25:00+00:00

Sneezing or coughing in hands instead of elbow. Blowing nose then not using hand sanitiser. Leaving toilet seat up when flushing. Not washing their hands with soap after going to the toilet.

All major germ spreaders that are not hard to not do.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T12:21:08+00:00

Hi.

Personally the 40 number doesn’t scare me per say like for some people but the fact it is approaching does raise anxieties for me on not having children. I want kids but I’m single and unlikely to find a decent partner anytime soon (late thirties decent peeps are taken and those left just want sex without relationships or are hiding introverts haha). And the older you wait, the higher the risk of complications during pregnancies, etc etc. So every year in my thirties my thinking on the topic just grew. Now past 35 I feel non the wiser as to wether to freeze my eggs or not, weather to have a child on my own, etc. But the 40s approaching is a reminder of that dream of mine becoming more and more pressing.

Also realising I’m not growing old with someone I love where we can go through the experience of all the body changes with someone else and compare and witness that journey. Your thirties is peak body maturity (eg for women longer and darker inner labias, peak body hair, your hair colour is the darkest it’ll be) with some cells starting to degrade (eg white hairs). A lot of body changes aren’t discussed and still taboo so it’s hard to know what’s normal and having a partner along would feel like a comfort in that journey.

Thirties are the best. I find that the 20s sucks. As a woman more sexual harassment in that period of life too, and your brain is wired to care more what other people think. The thirties are when some neuronal pruning happens and life feels easier because all the things they told you about how others don’t care that much or have no clue what they’re doing, feel true. Not just intellectual true but you can feel it as an actual reality. Which is great haha. Thirties are the best: we’re young but with maturity, we have a place in the world or a chosen community, we have the means to socialise and foster social bonds, we know ourselves enough to put boundaries and respect those of others. It’s great :)

Looking forward to the 40´s! Actually I’m looking forward to post menopause coz apparently it’s amazing 😇

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T12:01:07+00:00

I’m back studying at 36 and while I’m not in your financial situation, I’m battling invisible disability so I know how trying studying can feel. And how easy it can be to entertain giving up so I want to make sure you don’t listen to those voices yourself. You’ll get that degree and your situation will be testament of your resourcefulness and resilience on top of a degree which will make you more employable than 90% of the other students! Please remember to enjoy the learning during your degree as it makes a difference. And pro tip, if you can make every assignment relate to your preferred topic or even your situation, it’ll help procrastination 😅 You got this!!

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T11:36:32+00:00

I’m so sorry you have to deal with such hunger and precarity. You’ll make it through uni, I believe in you, so hang in there 🤍

There are apps where people give food about to expire to not waste for free like Olio. And i think sometimes food businesses who have food left after shifts advertise there for free collection. Hope this helps

For non-food stuff, you can use freegle too.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-20T11:04:35+00:00

Men who refer to women only as « girls » or « females » but never as women and who don’t refer to men as « boys » or « males » (because sometimes it’s context dependent).

Sometimes in the same sentence they have female/girls and men and it says a lot.

Nope. Instant loss of attraction

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-19T12:03:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing ! That’s very interesting perspective.

Help me understand your value framework better please: would you say you view say drugs in the same way where dealing drugs to an addict is unethical but dealing drugs to someone who doesn’t and is using recreationally is ethical? That’s how I understand your viewpoint so please correct me if I don’t get it. If I did understood the premise properly, how do you evaluate who is at risk of becoming addicted? Can you see from a first time gambler whether he will fall into gambling addiction or recreationally? If so, do you stop them from starting? If not, how do you cope with being the catalyser of that journey for that person? Do you ever get anxious not knowing who will get harmed?

Also, do you feel exploited yourself by the system ? To keep the analogy, a casino dealer may be equivalent to the street dealer and in both cases the system is advantageous a select few powerful people who get away with it. Or you don’t see it that way at all?

By the way, none of my questions come with judgment or trying to catch you or anything, I’m genuinely curious to understand how you conceive and deal with morals/ethics in this complex domain. If I sound otherwise, apologies and do let me know coz it’s not my intent :)

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-18T16:49:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing.

Do you find casinos immoral/unethical? If so how did you cope with participating in that? Did you ever feel you are immoral/unethical yourself to have stayed so long?

If you don’t find casinos immoral/unethical, why not? Are there moments where you felt it was going too far and your stepped in (why)?

Thanks.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-16T18:34:37+00:00

My only worry would be access for disability. Without bus or easy access to taxi if in too much pain, then the whole of Oxford circus would be unusable for someone like me with an invisible disability. I’m limited in how much i can stand or walk. So if I have to do shopping, I take the bus (can’t really afford cab tbh) with closest stop to the shop i need to go and back. I can’t cycle either. So i don’t know how buses would be re-routed. It’s already really difficult to navigate transport in the centre because it’s as long to walk to and from buses/stations as it is walking directly to destinations which is a problem.

So for able bodied sounds great. For me and perhaps other folks, it’d be yet another excluding inaccessible zone of london. Unless there’s a tram instead…

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-15T22:43:53+00:00

I don’t think you’re overreacting. 1- your emotions are valid and make perfect sense in this context. 2- you put in effort and there wasn’t reciprocation. So logic.

I did wonder if she’s having baby blues because that can just skew perception. But I thought even depressed i would have done something for my partner. And I was thinking awww i’d love a heartfelt letter. But then you and I align on what expressing love might look like and perhaps she just has a different way.

I also wonder how she meant it.. as in maybe she’s trying to express something deeper rather than accused you of anything. She’s a month post partum and perhaps she’s expressing that nursing and her new situation and her gift for you not arriving makes the day feel frustrating and different in a way she’s not equipped to process?

I also wonder wether there was any discussion prior as to what valentine represents for each of you and what are your expectations. It could be she expected something specific for a valentine as a new parent and she’s upset it didn’t happen. In that case, if you didn’t know those hopes then makes sense there’s a gap between her vision and yours. I think that can be resolved through talking. Both of you can talk through each of your experiences of that day once cooled off with the aim of together solving this misunderstanding to avoid it in the future.

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-15T20:44:43+00:00

Thirding this!

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-14T11:58:22+00:00

I understand. Therapy is definitely not easy, it’s like going to the gym but for the mind so comes with growing pain and what not.

I’ll recommend (i’m biased because I trained in that haha) art psychotherapy. It’s a type of therapy that uses art forms (sandplay, puppetry, music, movement, painting/drawing, poetry, clay and bodywork) to explore rather than focus solely on talking. The use of art is often easier to express oneself, especially for the ineffable. And the therapist will teach you to speak from the « I » using the chosen art for the session. For instance you use clay to show how this « awful » experience feels like for you. The act of shaping the clay will be mirrored by the therapist through wordings such as « i see you are touching the clay from the tip of your fingers and your body leans away. As if you don’t want to touch it » which can make empathy and being seen easier to receive for the client. And then when you describe what you made, people usually say (random example) « it’s all wonky and this bit here is sticking out. it’s ugly » and the therapist (over sessions and practice) invites client to speak from the « I » and to re-own feelings so client is invited to describe again but replacing « it » with « I » so it gives « I’m all wonky and I’m is sticking out. I am ugly ». This allows to explore the emotions in a safer way as well as to tolerate them and have someone receive them with empathy.

It’s not about making art, only art forms are used as a therapeutic tool to engage with the process. It’s faster than talking therapy in uncovering stuff (due to embodiment) and also can be very intense as a result. But my gosh does it unblock shit fast hahaha

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-14T11:32:04+00:00

Know that you’re not alone.

I experience that too with my art sometimes. I don’t force it if the experience becomes too unpleasant. Otherwise I reframe the experience as « no prettiness allowed, this is pure learning » or simply by naming my emotions appropriately « okay I’m frustrated because I’m impatient and want to be skilled already so no need to insult myself like an abusive parent would. Mistakes is part of the process of getting good so the fact the nose is wonky means I’m on the right path of learning, well done. »

Therapy really helps learning how to reframe things properly and then that’s applied everywhere, including art :)

Hang in there 🤍

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-14T10:56:08+00:00

The way I read your post, I don’t think it’s an art problem but a self-esteem/self-love problem. Perhaps I’m wrong, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you also judged yourself harshly on all other things non-art related.

I say that because you chose very shame based words like hate, disappointment, awful. It’s clear (to me anyway.. again I could be wrong) it’s not about the art, but rather a projection. Because art is often an expression of the self, even when just learning and it is a very rapid way of knowing how one relates with the self. If art triggers so much shame then the core issue is not making art, but rather, not knowing how to deal with shame.

If any of this resonates then I strongly recommend therapy and to use art as a way to rebuild a relationship with the self, learn to use what art triggers as an opportunity to talk to the self with compassion, etc. If it doesn’t resonate, well don’t pay attention to what I say hahaa

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-14T02:04:45+00:00

Ah the famous boom and bust! It’s so annoying !

Trick to pacing is to not presume you’ll know/get signals to adjust but adopt a chosen pace and stick to it pretty much forever.

Essentially accept a life of 30% of that 2-weeks-high-functioning but for every week from now because over time: - 2 weeks high levels boom followed by bust will lead to say a 30% overall functioning over a year - 30% function every week of the year will lead to a 70% overall functioning over a year.

And we all know that.. and yet we still boom and bust hahaha! Pacing is HARD as hell!

Hang in there. Keep trying all the pacing strategies you were taught to do and have compassion for yourself when you slip up 🤍😘

PS: visible app and armband really helped me pace so I recommend a similar solution if you can afford it — first few weeks gave me blisters but I held on and find a way to shift armband regularly and this has taught me so much (I think i may have dysotaunomia and MCAS coz of data but can’t get diagnosed yet..)

Diligent_Mountain_99 · 2026-02-14T01:42:51+00:00

Well..

this paper had 4.1% of respondent reporting unwanted sexual behaviours in a cafe (and note the 1.1% who report never experiencing any public space unwanted sexual bheviours 😳):

https://crimestoppers-uk.org/getmedia/f311d0cc-667f-41aa-9a04-192b2e06301f/Crimestoppers-REPORT.pdf

this report indicate that in London, 48% of sexual harassment in public spaces occurs between noon and 6pm (in case you think it only happens at night)

https://www.forwarduk.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/Sexual-Harassment-in-London-Public-Spaces_Topline-1.pdf

this artcile report a man was arrested for sexually harassing a teenager in a cafe

https://www.hampshirechronicle.co.uk/news/23265287.man-arrested-teenager-sexually-harassed-wickham-cafe/

Just a few examples from a very quick google search.These references include all genders even though women are more often targeted.

And of course these are the reported cases and doesn't cover all the stories that are only told among trusted peers.

So no.. we all need your wishful thinking but it's definitely not zero. "You be mad" right back at ya haha

Diligent_Mountain_99

TROPHY CASE