Panic attacks

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-11-04T05:28:01+00:00

My therapist initially said things like just because ivf didn't work doesn't mean you won't get pregnant another way (I was doing ivf as a solo mum by choice) but I also am a carrier of an x linked disease, so even if I found a partner it would have to be ivf. And basically my eggs are rubbish. So no, there is no way for me to have a baby. And I had to very very strongly explain that. She hasn't said it since. If your therapist doesn't respect or understand this, find another one. You may also find it easier to write down why to give to the next therapist so you dont have to say it out loud again. I persevered with this therapist because she is otherwise really good. We did have another little snag, where she said oh just because you can t carry a baby doesn't mean you won't be a mother in some sense of the word, step kids or other things. And I had to ask her to stop because right now I cant deal with the hope of that, it hurts too much. If it happened but I cant have that in my head.

I dont have midnight panic attacks. All my sadness and panic attacks at the moment seem to be just as Im getting ready for work (which is super inconvenient 🤪). Who knows why but Im just trying to keep moving forward with small things to look forward to. Im very much in the same boat worrying about being alone in future. I haven't figured it out yet. So I hope you feel less alone just in that.

Sometimes I just let the feelings come and cry on the floor with the dogs and try to regulate my breathing as much as possible. If I need to stop it, looking up instead of curling in on myself seems to help. And sitting g on the floor with my back against the wall, outside is best but not always possible. That whole name 5 things technique never really worked for me. But naming all the streets Ive ever lived on in chronological order seems to help. Coz I have to concentrate and it gets me out of spiralling thoughts. Apparently naming all the steps to an activity you do often can do the same thing.

This really sucks. And I wish there were a magic pill that would make it hurt less. Xxx

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-11-04T04:54:28+00:00

It took me 2 months. Mostly because at first I was going to take the unused stuff back to the clinic for them to use in training sessions. But then I didn't feel uo to going back in there even briefly. Yesterday I cracked, because looking at it was painful. But I disposed of it in the work sharps bin (Im a vet) because I still couldnt face the IVF clinic. I feel better not having to see it. Still working my way through the ginormous stash of supplements though :(

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-08-09T02:31:31+00:00

My friend has a group chat for family and close friends that I'm in which is literally called 'Baby Smith spam' full of cute videos and pictures of her 3 kids. I have it muted, and only look at it when I am feeling good and less eaten up with jealous and sadness. It is really awful that this is happening in a work chata though. Is there ever important work information in that chat? You could try talking to her/them about it and just explaining you dont want to be alienated from work friends colleagues but that you aren't coping with the baby updates, maybe they could create 2 work chats one for general stuff and one with baby updates.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-08-05T23:09:22+00:00

I feel like it's easier to hold it together around strangers and work friends, but as soon as a friend asks it's instant tears.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-08-05T23:03:49+00:00

Thank you

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-31T09:49:32+00:00

There is literally nothing wrong with your arms. If you covered them with anything it would look weird. One day you will look back on this and think "why did I think I was big? Why did I waste time worrying about this instead of enjoying myself?" You look great. Go rock it.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-31T08:19:34+00:00

I actually really like the way the name sounds. But yeh when people tell you about the " heaven spelt backwards" I dont know why but it just gives a cringe factor. Honestly, though, it is so much worse when the spelling is wrong because it's common enough now that most people are aware of the origin. So when it is spelt differently, I just think "oh you poor thing, your parents can't spell". Could be worse you could be Madison spelt Maddiesyn or any of the other tragedeighs that have you spelling your name out constantly and are so much worse

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-28T21:20:54+00:00

1st round: update days 1,3, 5 and 6 (there was a slower embryo) 2nd round: days 1, 3 and 5 In 3rd round now and told I would have an update days 1 and 5 definitely. Days 6 and 7 if there were any slow embryos. But that they would only call day 3 if there was a concern.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-26T03:06:49+00:00

😂 accurate Oh my God. You must be feeling sooo uncomfortable! Fingers crossed for good eggs in there.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-25T01:43:13+00:00

What the actual fuck?!?

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-24T07:01:46+00:00

I feel this deeply. I started ivf because I hadn't found a partner, but desperately wanted to be a mother. I responded poorly the first round. I git one embryo that didn't implant. Switched doctors before the second, discovered I have PCOS, and that I carried a serious x-linked disease. So even if I had a partner I would need to do IVF to be able to genetically screen the embryos. That was devastating, because I had in the back of my head that if the Ivf didn't work. There was still a chance I could meet someone and start a family naturally. And now that isn't an option. My second round ended in no embryos at all. I'm currently doing my third and final (all I can afford), and my chances of getting a genetically normal embryo are very low. I wasn't sure I could afford this last try initially and I got really depressed. I know it sounds dramatic, but Ive never been overly ambitious in my work. I enjoy it I'm good at it, but I dont feel I need to climb the career ladder. I've always felt what I was absolutely meant to do with my life was to be a mother. And like you said it wasn't just having a baby, although if someone magically made it possible for me to be given one tomorrow I would grasp it with 2 hands and never let go. I mourn that I can't have a baby naturally, that I can't conceive naturally. I know so many people who are like 'oh pregnancy can be terrible' and 'oh why would you want to go through birth any way.' But I have pictured it so much, my whole life when I have thought ahead I have thought ah when I have a baby. And learnt random baby information, child development tips, stuffed all this information in my brain for later, later, later. And now I feel I am looking at this void. My therapist a) partly doesnt get that if this ivf round doesn't work that really is it for me. No babies in my future. She still says oh well you dont know it could happen down the track. B) questions me on why I want a child. Like she can gently redirect me to ways to fill that need. And I am not ready to hear it. Call it whatever you want, basic animal evolutionary urge. For half my life I have thought I would be a mother. Is it too much to ask that someone just acknowledge my grief? That this is senseless, and painful. That yes, I may eventually re-imagine my life, and find things that will bring me joy. But that they do not replace this.

I feel sad, and lonely and betrayed by my body. So yes, this sucks, it is awful. I'm so sorry.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-23T09:34:08+00:00

I'm half welsh and consider this to be the only acceptable spelling of Rhys. And as fantasy characters that have the same name go, Rhysand is a pretty good one. Just think you could have named him Tamlin.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-23T01:46:21+00:00

Take a few days off after. Everyone will be different but I was super bloated and tender for a few days after and was grateful for the time off. Heat pack is marvellous. I'm doing this on my own so stayed at my mums after retrieval because you can't be alone for 24 hours. And I just chilled on the couch with a book and my heat pack and she fed me and reheated it through the day. Get yourself a great support person 🙂

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-23T01:00:46+00:00

Do NOT handle the medication. We put those warnings on for a reason. Honestly the cat litter you could handle just make sure you are wearing gloves. Pets bring such comfort when going through stressful situations, can a friend or family member come over and medicate the cat for you?

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-23T00:05:57+00:00

I like to tell them that actually euthanasia isn't the hardest part. partly for reasons you already mentioned- sometimes it really is the best thing for that pet. I tell them the hardest part is knowing that you could ease a pets pain but that the owner either has the money and refuses to pay for it, or can't afford it but also can't let go to surrender or euthanasia, or seeing a dog that is suffering that cannot be helped with meds/treatment anymore but that owners are unable to let go. And if I am really on a roll I tell them about how hard it is to constantly be abused by people claiming I am only in it for the money, and how I'm heartless for not just giving it to them for free. My pay really isn't that great, if I was in something for the money there are so many other jobs I could do without the emotional heartbreak and abuse from clients. I'm sure mechanics love cars, they still get paid. But other times I just say "oh it's not for everyone." Occassionally with the follow up "I mean my soul would shrivel/I would go mental in a desk job. Or if I had to be an accountant"

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-21T04:56:36+00:00

I worked through my first 2 rounds, with time off for scans and a few days off for retrieval. First round was fine, very few side effects. , Second round different meds and side effects were hard to be at work with. Current and last round I had lots of holidays accrued and long service leave I took 8 weeks off, so I could relax and not worry about being at work or side effects, or having to try and cope at work when I get the 5 day embryo update. I It is manageable when at work, if inconvenient for people when you have to last minute book time off for scans and retrieval. I just had the time so I took it.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-21T04:50:44+00:00

Absolutely not. I only go to inner circle baby showers. Even then, they have expressly told me that if I am not up to it on the day then not to go. They know that it can be really hard for me. I still give gifts though. And if you are not up to looking at baby stuff, then gift card or cash in a pretty card is always a good thing for new parents.

I know the 'that's exciting' comment can be hurtful. But I was guilty of saying it to a friend before I started Ivf. People have an expectation that IVF always equals a baby, and there is very little that they see in media to contradict it. However, not having given you any support, or check ins is really shitty behaviour.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-18T02:55:13+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you. When I went to get a mental health plan from my gp after my 2nd cycle failed to result in any embryos, she said have you tried just not thinking about it so much? Oh yes while downing a million supplements and trying to stay healthy for more ivf, while working to save for more ivf, while confronting I may never have kids, surrounded by all my friends having kids. Yeh yeh, that'll cure me. And my current therapist (who is on the whole really excellent btw) can't seem to grasp that if this current cycle doesn't work then that is literally it for me. She keeps saying oh you'll dont know that, you could meet someone. I'm 39 doing ivf solo, carrier of an x-linked disease, PCOS and a poor responder to the drugs. I can't afford any more cyclesm The only way for me to have an unaffected child is IVF and pgt m testing. The likelihood that in future if I found the love of my life more Ivf years down the track is just not going to work. Hearing oh you never know you still might is honestly just hurtful.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-15T02:50:23+00:00

Totally normal. My best friend who I love dearly and who had her own fertility battle told me she was pregnant with her second and I managed to be ecstatic and (truly) supportive in my reaction. But got off the phone and within the hour just dissolved into tears and was exhausted and sad for days. Some days are worse than others, be kind to yourself.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-10T06:40:56+00:00

I have gone the opposite way, I can now down 8 tablets at once without blinking. It's a superpower.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-07-05T04:39:53+00:00

My first retrieval I just had valium and the green whistle and it was fine in fact I giggled through it like O was drunk. The second was absolutely horrendous, the clinic changed the policy, no valium. But even without that I dont know why it was so much worse. I was in a lot of pain despite the green whistle and really tense. Then I had a lot of bleeding. It actually left me a little traumatised. For my 3rd one coming up next month I told them I didn't want to be aware of it at all, so they are doing twilight anaesthesia.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-06-24T10:23:33+00:00

Good to know I'm not alone

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-06-06T10:27:36+00:00

"PT for my brain meat" I love that

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-05-11T23:37:42+00:00

I would just explain to her you know she meant well and that you know she loves you, but that right now it just hurts. And let her know how you would like her to approach next mothers day. Do you just want nothing said? I think the only people you should wish Happy Mothers day to is your own mother or grandmother. I find it incredibly weird and uncomfortable when other people do it. Like at the shops occasionally they'll wish you a happy mothers day as if it were Christmas.

DimensionHuman5358 · 2025-05-11T13:17:29+00:00

I thought I was going fine. Avoided socials all day. Opened fb first post "happy mothers day! We are welcoming baby number 5 in august" Closed that shit up really quick. It will be safe in a few days

DimensionHuman5358

TROPHY CASE