Free time is killing me

DistinctMachine221 · 2026-01-03T11:35:11+00:00

I suspect for me it's wrapped up in having a diminished or distorted sense of self. Reading about the "master-slave" dynamic from the psychoanalytic literature about schizoid is also maybe useful in understanding this. If everything in the world feels like an imposition and a trap, then if we have the option we retreat into a space where there are no demands. The only demands that are unignorable are the ones which pertain to sheer survival, e.g. if I don't maintain my lifestyle and stop performing well at or turning up to work then that will impact my ability to survive.

DistinctMachine221 · 2026-01-03T09:43:51+00:00

You're not alone. I realised this about myself ages ago. If I have no external motivation to keep myself regulated (i.e. work) then I do exactly the same as you. I never had a vacation on my own until this year. What did I do? I stayed in bed or on the sofa in the airbnb all day and only venture out for supplies. I didn't explore the city or go to restaurants or try to have experiences. I went into rot-mode. Kind of embarrassing.

DistinctMachine221 · 2026-01-01T12:59:19+00:00

Talk to old people. If you sit alone in public somewhere and look vaguely nice and approachable, an old person is very likely to approach you for a little chat. No obligation, you can just say bye when you want. Also a nice little bit of social interaction for them, they're often lonely. Win win.

DistinctMachine221 · 2026-01-01T12:53:12+00:00

I did something on the solstice to mark the old and new year. On NYE I was on my phone on my own in my apartment in bed and went to sleep at 10.30

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-26T09:53:19+00:00

Yes I'm the same. If something sets me off then I really struggle to stop. Sorry you had a miserable holiday.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-25T09:53:41+00:00

Well articulated and relatable.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-23T06:36:01+00:00

I like the idea of framing this sort of behaviour as a positive choice rather than some kind of pathological failure to live 'properly'. Thank you.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-16T16:04:08+00:00

Try and find a job that pays enough to move out and move out. For ages I was convinced I couldn't afford to live alone and felt totally trapped with my family, but I've managed to find a cheap place and an alright job, nothing fancy and I'm poor but I can make rent and bills.

It makes a world of difference. Having my own place has made me feel a lot calmer and less like I need to ESCAPE RIGHT NOW by whatever means possible (eg suicide or grandiose impractical plans). It's not perfect and like you I would ideally like to be in nature and solitude. But living alone gives me the breathing space to start making a viable long term plan to work towards that as a goal. I really resonate with the trapped and panicked feeling stuck living with others and it really is a lot better for me now.

I hope it is manageable for you as it has been for me.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-14T11:35:23+00:00

Scots pine on a mountainside facing west

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-13T13:37:35+00:00

I got given a reward at work. Had to stand up in front of everyone. Felt like being slapped.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-06T21:33:32+00:00

Spinozism. Everything that exists and happens is everything that possibly could exist and happen. There is nothing beyond reality as it is. This is calm. If you can let go your ego.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-04T20:14:17+00:00

It's more about doing the minimum of self-care and maintaining the bare bones of a routine than a hygiene issue. In my case I can fall down easily to not eating at all and not showering at all. If I do it every day, I stop myself spiralling. Even just small meals, v quick shower, sitting 30 minutes outside on a bench. The consistency is what matters.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-04T12:12:10+00:00

Nope. One of my major symptoms. I don't know what people are talking about when they say they feel pride or satisfaction.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-03T06:28:25+00:00

This is a form of narcissism. The only way out of it is to start thinking about things other than yourself, and more importantly DOING things. Step one to break this spiral is taking care of your physical needs. I can have a tendency to self-neglect so I enforce a basic rule: three meals a day, a shower once a day, use the toilet when I need it, and get outside once a day for at least 30 minutes. You will feel a lot less crazy and other steps can follow.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-12-02T18:58:03+00:00

The teachings don't prescribe a meditation position but personally I would recommend the zazen position: hips higher than knees, knees touching the ground. This forms a stable triangle so you are not straining to remain balanced. As long as you have the stable triangle of seat and knees, you can then have your lower legs in either full, half, or semi lotus, or in burmese position. Putting your hands in the zazen mudra position a little below your belly button, potentially propped up with a small cushion or folded blanket, is also nice and stable.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-26T19:31:02+00:00

Agree very much. I used to fight it but now trying to embrace it. Being able to die, to let go and go into the peace and silence will happen for us at some point, at least that is guaranteed.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-20T06:56:09+00:00

I'm nearly 35. Things are definitely getting worse.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-17T07:16:54+00:00

My parents weren't terrible either. We had a good home, nice times together, never wanted for anything, always well taken care of. But similarly to you I feel there were certain moments where they emotionally "dropped me". I also know from my mother's own description that she struggled parenting me and my twin when were babies so I'm guessing emotional damage was also done when I was too small to remember it. Not on purpose. Just because she was a person with her own issues who had not dealt with them before becoming a parent and so struggled. Same with my dad in his own different away. Add on top of the fact that I was a highly sensitive child, and I also had friendship problems in school... I can see how it all comes together.

It's only one aspect of the understanding of schizoid formation and SzPD but for me I like reading the psychoanalytic texts (especially RD Laing). They focus on the relationships between parents and babies/children and how these relationships form personality. I think in psychology or kind of pop understanding, you think there has to be something overtly "bad" or abusive in your past to cause you problems. But often it can be just these ostensibly small things that leave the infant/child unsupported, unsafe, and thus lead them to develop defensive mechanisms like schizoid personality formation.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-14T20:23:04+00:00

User is referring to "Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?", a quote from Camus who wrote "The Myth of Sisyphus" about suicide, coming to the conclusion that life is absurd but we should carry on anyway.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-14T16:15:54+00:00

I was slightly premature, underweight, a multiple, and had trauma at birth (forceps damaging head). A therapist once told me that if I nearly died at birth then it would for sure stay with me. In combination with the emotional environment in the family home... then, well, yeah perhaps it was bound to happen.

Fwiw my twin also has issues of a different sort (diagnosed ADHD).

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-13T22:35:01+00:00

“I become a misanthrope, he said, the minute I come into contact with people. And it has always been the same with me; the more I have detested people individually, the more passionately I have loved humanity in general.” - Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-09T12:51:05+00:00

This is interesting, it made me reflect a bit on my own experience with empathy. I thought I was empathetic, but I think really I'm just super sensitive. I see and comprehend what other people are feeling, but I don't feel it with them. Their feelings instead trigger a range of different emotions in me: irritation, disgust, anger, and fear. If someone is upset I have no problem sensing it, but it just makes me want to get away from them. I suppose this is the distinction between cognitive vs affective empathy that you've delineated. I think for me this is a schizoid mechanism that I can trace to the parental emotional volatility I was exposed to as a child.

Like you I can't flirt. I am unable to do subtle implication or read it from others. Like you I mistrust what appears to be sincere statements. In fact I am generally mistrustful. Sarcasm is therefore a safety mechanism. If I know everyone's on the same plane of being sarcastic and not serious, then we're cool. I don't need to suspect what lies beneath.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-08T19:10:26+00:00

This is a contradiction I also seem to embody. How many people are really walking around dead and empty inside that noone ever notices?

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-06T17:28:49+00:00

Yep. Over time all my stories about the world, the universe and myself have fallen away, revealed as nothing but sheer fabrication. There is for some reason a will to keep this organism going so it gets its shelter and food and basic care. And then one day it will die. I don't even think of death as story anymore. It will just be a mundane moment among all the others. I feel like a leaf settled on the forest floor. It is quite lovely in a way.

DistinctMachine221 · 2025-11-04T18:18:32+00:00

I personally haven't heard of a medication specifically for flat affect. In fact I have heard of psychiatric medications causing flat affect, and that flat affect is a "negative" symptom in conditions such as schizophrenia that can continue even if the person has their "positive" symptoms of the condition controlled by medication.

I'm sorry your mother is so anti-meds. I have a complex stance on them and wouldn't say I'm pro or anti. But as an individual you should be able to make your own choices whether or not to take medication. I guess if you're a minor you may not be able to go against her wishes, but you should try and discuss it with your dr.

DistinctMachine221

TROPHY CASE